Chapter Thirty

‘Sorry,’ Riyaan says as soon as his eyes meet Ivan. He is wearing a white shirt but that's not a regular formal shirt. It has a shine to it — he surely looks no less than an Italian model. He definitely has a fashion sense.

Riyaan cannot read his eyes, and that bothers him more than he understands.

‘You can leave, I won't stop you.’ Ivan slowly walks past him, stone cold face.

Is he mad? Good. Riyaan is mad at him too. For everything, especially for looking so good, all over again, so he walks out too. And that's when a grip on his wrist stops him. The grip on his wrist is quite rigid.

‘Yes?’

‘You never meant to wait for me, did you?’

Riyaan, obviously that now caught red-handed, feels guilty and shrugs.

‘Is that all you care about nowadays? Projects, studies, parties?’

‘What are you talking about, I don't even know enough people to be at parties.’

‘Answer the question.’

Two men walking by look at them weirdly, landing their eyes for a brief moment on Ivan's grip on his hand.

‘You’re being too loud.’

‘I am still asking,’ Ivan says, this time with a little softer and lower voice.

‘No. I care about a lot of other things.’

‘Me? Am I one of those things?’

Does he have no idea? Is he those things? Riyaan doesn't know how to feel, Ivan is not one of those things, he is everything to him. How does he answer that?

‘I do care about you, to some extent.’ Isn't that what Ivan wanted anyway? To keep distance, emotionally.

‘To some extent…’ Ivan repeats. ‘You have been avoiding me, why?’

‘Do I really need to speak it out?’

‘You do. Because I have no idea. You left and left a note. I can argue that even “to some extent” is a lie. I'd like to know the truth honestly.’

The truth? The truth is, he wanted more. But that's not what this is about anymore. Now, it's also about his wanting Ivan to want him.

Riyaan sighs. Why does he have to tell? Why can't he be the one to ask the questions?

‘I…just met your ex’s ex.’

‘I am sorry, who?’

‘Gary.’

‘Ah, I see. And?’

‘He seem to understand quite quickly how we know each other. Or what we are to each other. Way too quickly for my liking.’

‘What about it that made you dislike it?’

‘That whatever we did or had is very common for you guys, nothing special, nothing more.’ He says that as if he is asking for an answer. A clarification. As if he expects Ivan to …fix it, like he promised but forgot.

‘Okay. Can we talk about this? Meet me somewhere.’

‘No. My exams start tomorrow.’ Riyaan frees his wrist from Ivan's grasp. He already misses the touch. ‘Did you lie to me about going on the trip?’

Ivan considers him at this. For a moment, it feels like he is going to say something.

‘No. I just didn't tell you that I didn't in the end.’

‘Why didn't you call me then? Or text?’ So much for ignoring Ivan. At this point, he should just confess that despite leaving  his place, how crazy and needy he is for Ivan.

‘Why didn't you?’

‘Didn’t you say you don't like to stay connected during travel?’

‘That hasn't stopped you before?’

It's true. He did text him when Ivan was in Paris, and he doesn't regret it one bit.

‘If you want to wait for an hour, I can drop you.’

‘No, it's alright. I have to go. Enjoy the party,’ Riyaan says, disappointed. He doesn't know how long he can do this. Meeting and seeing and talking with Ivan and yet nothing coming out of it. ‘I don't think we should stay in contact anymore.’

And he hates it as he finishes his sentence. What if Ivan agrees to it fully, or says that he believes the same?

‘Why?’

‘There’s no reason for us to stay in touch.’

‘It doesn't have to be anything if that's what you're worried about?’

Riyaan is worried about otherwise.

‘Got it. Fuck buddies to buddies — I'm being demoted.’

Ivan laughs softly, it warms him up inside. Somewhere he also likes that he has that effect on him - from a stone cold face to soft laughs. ‘Why can't it be a promotion?’

*                 *               *

Just like Ivan wished, Riyaan agreed to stay as friends.

As friends… He hates it. Everytime he hears Ivan's voice he thinks of his body. And everytime Ivan texts him, he wonders if Ivan misses them together. And three weeks is a long time to go through this.

One of these days, Ivan doesn't call him. And Riyaan cannot focus on his studies at all, despite his ongoing exams. And the next day, he sees Kris' uploading photos of them together, on a bar, and of course Jai is there too, sitting next to Ivan.

He decides then and there, sitting in front of the table, biting the pencil hard in his teeth, that when he or if he ever meets this guy, he will probably treat him worse than he did with Nancy.

Or maybe he is Nancy in this scenario.

When Ivan calls him the next day, he avoids him the whole day. And the next day.

Maybe…just maybe, this is a bad idea. Maybe he shouldn't have agreed to stay friends. He cannot be disturbed with stress and anxiety during exams. He decides to keep Ivan at bay, just so he can pretend he has the power. Just so he doesn't flunk his exams.

And by the end of the year, he starts feeling distant to Ivan. Again, it was his own doing coming back to bite him back. Just the thought of Ivan getting more distant from him makes him go crazy, and he ends up responding to his text messages at two in the morning. What he doesn't expect is Ivan to text back. Let alone a call.

‘What are you doing so late at night?’ Riyaan's curiosity gets the best of him.

‘I am at work. How were your exams?’

‘You sound sleepy. I'm sorry if I broke your sleep.’

‘I’m at work. I was calling before, but you were probably busy, as usual.’ He hears a soft laugh, sounding like a relief. ‘I thought I would have to ask Kris to call you because you were not taking my calls.’

‘Anything important?’

‘I wanted to invite you.’

‘Invite me for what?’

‘For dinner at my place.’

‘Uh, I don't think it's a good idea.’

‘Kris and Preet can come too,’ Ivan says that in a way to motivate him into coming, Riyaan believes. ‘And you can meet Jai. You may like him.’

The hell he will.

‘Sure, like I'm dying to meet him. I cannot though, I have exams.’

‘Exam,’ Ivan corrects him. ‘You have one exam left. And I meant after the exam.’

So he has memorised his exam schedule.

‘I will try.’

‘How hard?’

‘As hard as I can.’

It breaks his heart even considering that he will probably end up cancelling the plan anyway. He is trying so hard to just be what Ivan wanted — just the arrangement, nothing more. But it's also Ivan, making it so hard.

‘It’s my birthday dinner.’

Oh!

Riyaan closes his eyes immediately  and almost slaps himself in realisation. How could it have been forgotten? It's definitely the stress. He had thought of planning something for Ivan's birthday. But that was only when they were still living in the same house.

‘I’m sorry. I'll come.’

‘I'll pick you up.’

‘No. It's okay. I can come by myself.’

‘I know. I still want to pick you up.’

He feels so guilty that he has no argument left in him.