Chapter Thirty-Four

‘Shut up,’ Riyaan mutters to himself as he digs his head deeper into the pillow. His thinking process right now is a mess, it's prompting him to ask Ivan about things. Things like, what does this whole thing means — that they had sex, a very passionate one at that. But what's so big a deal about it? that's what they had been doing and their whole arrangement about. But they kissed, but then again, not for the first time. Although something that he cannot downplay is Ivan saying he has a thing for Riyaan. That's…wild. Crazy things that make him want to smile.

So, this isn't the time when he should ask Ivan for some assurance, despite badly needing it. He doesn't want to ask, why can't it just happen for him. Enjoy being in Ivan's embrace, where for a moment, he doesn't have to care where they stand, together. Because if he asks…this all might go away. They did have fights before, because of all these questions, and Ivan low-key showed disapproval of Riyaan’s asserting rights over his time. He doesn't want to be the same old insecure man.

When he registers Ivan's hot breath against his nape, all he wishes is that when he wakes up the next morning, he does feel the warmth. He wouldn't know what else he would do otherwise.

*            *              *

But it's not there anymore.

When he opens his eyes, he doesn't register a particular warmth against his body. No hot breaths. But it's only when he looks behind him and doesn't see the man of his dreams, he starts tearing up.

It hurts him way more than it should have. Maybe Ivan will send a message that he had to leave. Maybe he will call in the evening, asking how he sleeps. But none of those thoughts brings him peace, nothing will be good enough.

Somehow in the curl of his hand, he touches the copper locket in the sheet. Did Ivan leave it on the bed? As he tries to read the engraving again, sniffling, the unlocking of the door makes him stiffen.

Ivan enters and lands his eyes on Riyaan, ‘You awake?’

And maybe, just maybe, Riyaan has been too fast in letting his tears roll down.

‘Hey.’ Ivan climbs the bed slowly, and looks at him worriedly. It's too late to hide and wipe off his tears now.

‘Did you have a bad dream?’ Ivan runs a hand through his hair.

‘Yeah,’ Riyaan says, doing the same to Ivan's hair.

‘What was it?’

‘I don't know.’

‘Was it me? Was I being mean and cruel again?’

Riyaan laughs, the happiest laugh he can have with tears in his eyes. ‘No.’

‘No?’ Ivan kisses him on his forehead. ‘Was it just sad, or scary too?’

‘Sad. Scary. Disappointing. Hopeless, and everything.’

‘Hmm,’ Ivan scoots closer to him while lying down by his side. He feels the warmth again. ‘You can tell me when you want or you will probably just forget it.’

He would tell Ivan the truth but he doesn't want to put pressure. Not like this; he wouldn't want to hold Ivan to himself, not like this.

‘I know you're upset right now, but there's someone outside that kind of gave a scary stare. I thought you should know. Hopefully that's not your flatmate?’

‘He is at his girlfriend's place. No, it's not him. Are you talking about the large and tall man with a half jacket?’

‘Yes, exactly that.’

‘That’s our landlord.’

‘What did I do?’

‘He hates when people live without paying.’

‘Ouch.’

‘Yes.’

Riyaan moves from the bed to pick his clothes and throw them on. Ivan is fully dressed, except his shoes sit close to the bed. Could he not have just lied in bed with him until he woke up? It's not like they haven't done it before.

‘If he wants me to pay rent for living one night, he gotta replace this cheap mattress. My ass cheek is stiff,’ Ivan says, propping himself on his elbow.

‘I bought the mattress.’ And, it is, indeed, cheap.

‘Oh. Sorry. It’s not too bad.’

‘You know, your room in my place is open for you, if you want it. Or anywhere in the house.’

‘No,’ Riyaan says, picking at his cuticles.

‘Whenever you are ready.’

‘I will never be ready to be there, where your boyfriend lives.’ And just like that, his mood becomes sore.

‘He isn't there forever, it's just he has issues with his parents for a while. Also, he is not my boyfriend.’

‘Whatever, I don't care.’

With an angry mood he enters the bathroom, and as he brushes his teeth, all he worries about is the fact he cannot hold back now.

‘Do you want to talk?’ Ivan asks as he comes out of the bathroom.

‘No, I don't want to talk,’ he says, finding it hard to hide the rudeness in his voice. They haven't even had their morning tea.

‘I want to,’ Ivan says.

‘This — was a mistake.’

‘A mistake? You want me to leave then?’

Why, just why cannot Ivan just know how much he wants him. He doesn't want him to leave. ‘You want to go to him?’

‘Stop bringing him in between. He is a non-issue, he has been a non-issue for a long time. Probably even before Paris. Tell me what do you want, are you asking me to leave? Found someone new?’

Somehow his distasteful voice towards the end doesn't distract Riyaan.

‘If he is a non-issue, why didn't I know about it sooner?’

‘You didn't know about it because I didn't either. My life doesn't revolve around how my feelings and attachments change every month to him. Right, love? I have work to do. I don't keep thinking about him actively. And you literally left, with a piece of note on my refrigerator. I'll not even start with how I felt about that, for now.’

‘Then why does he expect you to live a settled life with you? And why does he talk about moving forward with you, forgetting things…’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘The email, Ivan! And on your birthday dinner.’

‘Okay, that email — you should never have seen it, read it. And after you did, you should have just told me. But instead you used it as leverage to be rude to me later.’

‘That's not what I was doing.’

‘Oh, yes? Why didn't you mention it to me when you first read it? You made me feel like a loser that day. I didn't want you to think of me like some loser. Also, like he says, technically it was not cheating. We weren't together.’

Riyaan hates it. Everytime Ivan mentions him, he now defends him. He hates it.

‘So, it's just me that you don't like enough to date. It has nothing to do with your ex?’ And somehow, Riyaan is conflicted about whether it hurts more.

‘It wasn't you. Not you alone anyway. It's the idea of you and me.’

‘The idea of you and me, is it so bad?’

How bad can it be? Bad enough to not even try?

‘Let’s go somewhere, for a few days, I'll tell you.’

‘No. Tell me now. I cannot go on like this. You could have even fixed it, like you promised. Even the next day.’ Riyaan is a good amount surprised by his raised voice. The downside of it is, now he feels vulnerable and pathetic. Desperate. Under confident. Not anymore the person who has been avoiding Ivan for this long, pretending to have forgotten it. The worst part is, he has angry and frustrated tears in his eyes.

‘You? You cannot go on like this? All while knowing what you were doing to me? All those late night replies, knowing very well that I am asleep by then. You weren't even planning to wait for me at that engagement party. Didn't even look at me at dinner for all those six hours. I was so scared that you hate me now, because I made you cry and you think I'm mean and cruel.

‘No, I didn't mean it.’

‘Okay, I’ll …’ Ivan takes a deep breath. He moves towards him, slowly, and then hugs him from behind. ‘What do you want?’

And at that moment, all he wants is to lay his head on Ivan's shoulder and never let him go away, or go away from him. Though through slow sniffles, he replies, ‘I don't want to be what we already were. I want more, Ivan.’

‘I hear you.’

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Every time I publish a chapter, I'm never ready. I feel like it needs to be edited more. Hopefully, I'll be able to bring better written work in future for you guys ~ thanks for reading.

How many chapters do you think are left in Heart, Body and Soul?