Chapter Thirty-five

‘Is Jai really a non-issue?’

Riyaan asks Ivan during his lunch hour at his office. The thought of Ivan lying in his cheap mattress — perhaps working on his laptop — is hugely responsible for his distracting focus on the work today. He wishes he could have negotiated more work from home hours. But alas! Not after his last exam was over.

‘Yes. Do you want me to tell him to leave? I'll book a hotel suite for him or something. We can go back to the house.’

‘No,’ he replies immediately. ‘I don't want that.’

He is not satisfied with how his voice sounds — rough and unsure against Ivan's soft one. But no, he doesn't want Ivan to tell his ex that. He is not that person. All he wants is Ivan, and to be wherever he is. But he wouldn't mind Ivan giving a hint to his ex that he is no longer available to be on his ex’s dream plans.

‘Sure.’

‘Why did you make me feel like he holds so much power? Over your dating life?’

‘Have I? Wasn't it you always obsessed, asking about my ex. All I had was a plan with him, not passion. You know, I used to get so irritated whenever you kept pushing about him.’

‘Kris said you were committed to him.’

‘Kris?’

‘On the first day. I kind of liked you. And he said you were committed to someone, off limits.’

Ivan can think of him however he wants to but at the end of day, the truth is, deep down he always knew he wanted more than just the “arrangement”. Maybe Ivan has now learnt to tolerate him, like him.

‘You know what his fiancé told me though? He told me about your sexual orientation the very first time, told me you're single, and asked me to make you feel comfortable during the ride. Kris… forget it!’

‘Tell me.’ Riyaan demands, desperately.

‘I just wanted to say that Kris knows some things, but not everything.’

‘You…knew my sexual orientation the very first day? But… I remember you asked me about my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure you mentioned it.’

‘I did.’

‘Why?’

‘Oh dear!’

‘What do you mean? By the way, Kris also said that you told Preet how you wanted to get rid of me. I'll have you answer that to me too, someday.’

‘Ah, so that's what reached your ear. I never said I wanted to get rid of you. Not like that. Didn't say it like that.’

‘So you did say it?’ It should be okay because he has Ivan sitting in his place, his bed and they are talking, but Riyaan would be lying if he said it's not hurting him still.

‘Don’t,’ Ivan says softly. When Riyaan says nothing, Ivan explains. ‘I… we were getting into a dangerous zone. You were flirting, I was flirting, especially when I was in Paris, and that scared me baby, I thought I gave you promises by doing that and I thought I will not be enough for everything you want. Trust me, I wanted to be enough but I didn't think I could be enough. So I was asking him how to make you go away, because we were too involved. You and me both, too involved.. and I instantly thought I have to run the other way, and I have zero idea why I didn't think I could just pull you into my arms and keep you forever... I can be stupid sometimes, you'll know if you stick around…’

Riyaan wishes Ivan to be with him all the time but he won't deny when Ivan was away for the last Paris trip, this is where Ivan said both texted and called during the trip. It sure was a confidence boost for him.

But that's not what he is smiling about now. Ivan called him baby again.

‘You still there?’

‘Yes,’ he responds, trying to hold back the grinning for no reason at all.

‘Say something.’

‘My lunch break is almost over, I'm gonna go.’ And he has got his answer.

‘Are you serious?’

‘Bye,’ he says, disconnecting the call.

Ivan: Are you serious?

*                 *                *

Like Ivan insisted, Riyaan did take some unpaid leaves from his work. What wouldn't he do for Ivan?

‘What about your work,’ Riyaan asked, while haphazardly packing his things for the trip.

‘Preet will take care of it. I did the same alone many times.’

Riyaan felt like he was on cloud nine then. Ivan taking time off specifically for him.

But none of their plans seem to have come fruitful, Riyaan realises as he sits by the fire on the last day of their trip.

The excessive snowfalls are as inconvenient for Ivan as him, as Ivan planned for them to visit and engage in many activities in the short trip.

Ivan has embraced, and hugged him a few times before, perhaps this is why, when he sits near the fireplace, leaning against Ivan's chest, it feels as though he has known Ivan forever.

He always imagined snow would be more romantic, passionate and lovely, but now that he is experiencing it, he is not sure why he was so excited.

‘Not your ideal kind of date, is it?’ Ivan asks, but Riyaan is sure his eyes are closed.

Date?

Ivan sure does move slowly because what he wants right now is love confessions and forever promises with Ivan. Maybe a promise of heart, body and soul. But, he smiles. Patience.

He leans into Ivan's chest, his cheeks finding warmth within the crook of his neck.

‘You didn't answer?’ Ivan says again.

‘What?’

‘Are you bored here, am I boring you?’

Like Ivan could bore him ever! Truth is, he is lazy. He is relaxed. It's almost as if everything is beautiful and peaceful.

‘No. I could be here with you for days.’

‘We can come back next year,’ Ivan says, running his fingers deep through his hair.

‘I agree.’

‘And next year?’

‘Yes.’

‘Year after that?’

‘Every year.’

And when the fire burns out and Riyaan is sleepy against Ivan's body, Ivan finally tells him. ‘You know how people fall in love for the first time and it's so special.’

‘Yeah?’

‘And then comes heartbreak, the first heartbreak changes people inside. It's like hope crushing and soul-shattering. That day… you cried like that.’

Riyaan realises, even through his sleepy consciousness, which day Ivan is talking about.

‘I hated that it's me that made you cry, it was me that gave you the first heartbreak. And I know I dismissed your affections before but I guess, it was pretty evident that day that you like me more than I thought. And I didn't know the same about myself until then and every night after that.’

Never have Riyaan been so surprised with Ivan — because Ivan has never talked about them so open-hearted. But it's the fact that Ivan accepted being attached to him too — that's what makes him feel kinds of things inside himself. A mixture of chill, overwhelmed, loved, and cared for.

‘Would you rather someone else broke my heart?’

‘No,’ Ivan says. ‘I don't know. But that's not the point. It's the fact that someone like you is trying to make  a place for himself in this world, without nurture, love and care to call your own. Despite that, all you want is good things. I am just amazed that you turned out to be you, with a beautiful heart and I had no right to break it. It's what I realised only after making you cry. I felt pathetic, and small.’

‘I didn't rise above you or something by crying. I rather you break my heart and mend it, Ivan.’

‘You are still a sweet talker.’

Since Ivan is in such a sweet, and good mood, it's the best chance he has to ask -what it means? That they are here, in a secluded place, just the two of them, on — what it seems like quite an expensive holiday. It sure means more but are they on the same page.

‘I said I wanted more and you agreed…’

‘Yes?’

‘How much more?’

‘You tell me, what is more, what do you want?’

‘To kiss you everyday.’

‘Done.’

‘I want you to see me.’

‘I see you.’

‘To make love to you.’

‘Done.’

‘And want you to make love to me.’

‘Done. We can start now.’

‘No. I'm not done talking. I want to go on dates.’

Ivan laughs softly. ‘Sure.’

‘To be the only one for you.’

‘Okay.’

‘Forever?’ Riyaan's heart skips a beat as he asks this because it's probably a lot for Ivan. One thing at a time…

‘I should ask that to you. You are young, sweet, lively…never been in a relationship before. You sure you'd want me to be first and last, to keep you forever?’

‘Whatever do you mean?’ Riyaan says through mild frustration, jerking his hair from Ivan's touch. His eyes are heavy, and he was just about to get warm through and through, in Ivan's arms. How can he not, after Ivan accepting each and every demand of his during this whole trip. But now …he is almost ruining the moment.

‘I just mean…what if you want to …experiment? Just saying.’

‘I have many hobbies, romance is not one of them.’

‘I see.’

‘I don't think you do, Ivan.’ He stands. This is getting ridiculous.

‘You are sleepy?’

‘Yes.’ The sulking is back but this time, it's not intentional.

*              *              *

‘I am sorry,’ Ivan whispers, and his lips are so soft against Riyaan's cheeks, he almost doesn't know if it's a kiss. Not until Ivan does it more times.

‘Don’t you know how crazy I'm about you, Ivan?’

‘I know, and that's what scares me. You think I don't know, don't see you?’

‘Why?’ He cannot think of any reason by his own. ‘Why does it scare you?’

‘What if it's not about me? Your craziness?’

‘What else can it be about, Ivan?’

Ivan's brows tense as Riyaan's nervous fingers run through his bearded face. It's not a usual look Ivan has on — confident, cool and beautiful. And Riyaan is not sure what to do, how to make him feel better.

‘I don't know,’ Ivan says, through an unsure voice. ‘Maybe it's the thrill of first romance, or I don't know, really. First experience of it. I want to believe it's all for me. But the thing about thrill is that… it goes away pretty fast. I mean that's what I thought when you left. How do I know it's all for me?’

‘Oh, it's you. It's all about you, alright? Not just a thrill. It’s all for you.’ And to prove it in his own way, Riyaan reaches up to kiss Ivan on his forehead, patiently.

Patience…something Ivan seems to value a lot. ‘You are kind, compassionate, caring and you make me feel everything.’

‘So, if you find a man that is compassionate, kind, caring, you will go to him as well?’

‘Well, probably. But I will find a man like me for you too who’s crazy about you.’ Hell, no! It's a weird feeling that he says that to tease Ivan and see his reaction, instead it's him, himself  burning with bitter jealousy by the end.

‘Ah-Ivan,’ Riyaan cries out laughing, as Ivan punishes him with a pinch on his thigh — for the teasing, he supposes.

‘Can I ask you to never leave like that again? I started napping without you, I'll have you know.’

‘You napped while I was away?’ Riyaan starts to laugh. ‘Why didn't you tell me?’

‘Why didn't you tell me?’ Ivan mimics mockingly. ‘Couldn’t have a proper, decent conversation with you for a while if you'd care to remember. Also, I tried to push you away a little, I guess. Hide my growing attachment. Tried to at least.’

‘Oh, you hid it pretty good. Almost made me think you don't have a heart. You did alright.’

At the end of it, it slightly pains his heart. They could have had so much more time together. Even if he gets to spend the rest of his life with Ivan, it's not enough.

‘Warned you before, I'm not the perfect lover. I can be possessive.’

‘That would still mean you want me. Also about being possessive, I'll believe it when I see it.’ But that's not what makes Riyaan smile loudly inward. It's the fact that Ivan used the word lover.

‘Oh, you don't know?’ Ivan laughs. The kind of laugh that makes Riyaan laugh too, feeling stupid, as he has no idea what they are laughing about.

‘What don't I know?’