Chapter Thirty-Seven - Ivan

~ 2 years later ~

Ivan's POV~

He calls out Riyaan four times, his concerns growing with each time when he doesn't hear a response. Riyaan didn't want to go out, he insisted. It's just that Ivan has been busy for a while, and he hardly got time for him. It's best, he thought, he gets to hang around with his friends at least.

He should be home by now, and considering he has even called him back, he is definitely home.

‘Riyaan,’ he calls out the fifth time as he walks towards their bedroom. He takes a moment to sigh, he didn't want his voice to come out this loudly. It's one in the morning, Riyaan never stays out this late and never goes to sleep without kissing him goodnight.

To his left, the gaming room is lit, and Ivan feels a strange mix of relief and anger. ‘Riyaan,’ he calls softer this time, as he enters the space.

But how would Riyaan hear him through those large over-the-head headphones? Ivan slaps a hand on his desk loudly. That should bring him out of whatever world he is wired into.

Riyaan jumps in his seat, and then worriedly and gradually turns towards Ivan. He is starting to take his headphones away, and then pauses his game. ‘What the hell, man!’

‘I was looking for you!’

‘I was wearing headphones,’ Riyaan gestures towards his head.

‘At least call and tell me you're home. I have called you two times and when you didn't take my calls, I assume you reached home. But when I call out, I don't hear anything.’

‘You were working so I didn't call you.’

‘Not done, love. I get worried. And why have you started playing now in the middle of the night? You already had a fun day, I suppose?’

‘I wanted to wait till you're done.’

Ivan moves to untangle the headphones from Riyaan's neck carefully. And just like that, the moment his hand touches his soft face, he leans and brushes his cheeks against Ivan's hand.

‘Is it done or do you have to save the game.’

‘It’s not done, but I don't have to save the progress either.’

‘Let’s go to sleep then.’

Riyaan always does the sweetest things for him. Sometimes so much so that he once found an accurate nickname for him “sugar” — a nickname that often embarrasses Riyaan. Well, that would be an understatement. He hates it. Ivan does it anyway, just to see his reaction every time. But this thing though, waiting for him to finish work to sleep isn't one of his sweetest gestures. Because Ivan knows, Riyaan is tensed, stressed about the upcoming trip to Italy and they have plans to meet his parents. Ever since the news, Riyaan has asked him multiple different things about his family.

Ivan hates that — nobody should have that kind of power. The kind of power that makes Riyaan stressed, tense and wanting to please them.

‘You just have to exist. It's not like we are going to be meeting them from time to time in the future as well. That's just how my family works.’

‘Yes, you told me. Am not worried about that.’

‘Are you sure?’ Ivan says, kissing softly on his cheeks.

‘But like they are your parents. Why am I meeting them if it's just like how you said?’

Indeed. Why is Riyaan meeting them at all? Truth is, Ivan believes sooner or later, Riyaan would have to meet them, at least once, especially if Riyaan and him are going to be a family. But wouldn't that be too bold of him to answer already?

‘I would have said no to this plan on your wish if I hadn't needed the businesses. We will be travelling to Italy quite often.’

‘We?’

‘Yeah, is there any reason for you to stay here alone when I'm not here?’

‘No, but when I start working again –’

‘Take it easy, it hasn't even been a month since your resignation. Remember what you said, to be able to sleep all day for months and months?’

‘I did say that,’ Riyaan nods, casually climbing his half body over Ivan's. It's his attempt at feeling the closeness, Ivan assumes.

He lets out a soft chuckle when Riyaan draws his face back as it touches Ivan's spiky stubble face.

Riyaan speaks less nowadays. Not less in a way that their communication is hindered but  less compared to how he was always talking and lively before. Ivan is sometimes scared if it's him, that dims Riyaan’s energy, after all, he doesn't have that natural fun-loving nature that Riyaan has. It's often why Ivan always reminds him to meet his friends every now and then, and not just stick to playing games. But Riyaan seems uninterested. No wonder it is growing to be one of Ivan's worries.

By the second year of their dating, Riyaan has made it clear to his relief that he enjoys living with Ivan. He was saying it so upfront, but he kept inquiring about whether Ivan likes to live with him on a daily basis, or sharing a home, room and bed. He asked if Ivan needed any change from him. Ivan wanted to tell him then about the things he went through when Riyaan was not there in his home, his room and his bed. He no longer has the power to care how Riyaan lives in his home, his being here is all that matters. He can break all his stuff, keep his clothes in place or not in place, doesn't matter. Only the person should be where he should be — with him. But Riyaan does more than that. He is building all the good habits — meaning the ones Ivan has.

Is he trying too hard? Sometimes Ivan wonders. Ivan doesn't want him to try at all, but he doesn't want to discourage. Maybe Ivan needs to try more to make him feel accepted, loved and cared for.

There's one thing though, Ivan wishes Riyaan would do. One thing he wants — sometimes desperately — from him, and one thing he doesn't want to prompt. Riyaan still hasn't said that he loves him back. After his saying it. Not that he hasn't shown. Not that Ivan is always left wondering but he hasn't said it. Not once has he heard I love you even through his sleepy consciousness. Are they still waiting for the moment or have they skipped it? That would be a disappointment, Ivan couldn't help but chuckle to himself.

Sometimes it hurts him, in the deep corners of his heart. Sometimes, quite rarely, his insecure thoughts creep in and he wonders if this will end like all others, and that's when he just lets it be. He wants it to last, whatever it is. If all this dedication and commitment Riyaan gives him is just a result of delusion and not something true he feels or discovers, half a part of him wishes that delusion to last forever.

And would things have been different, if they started with how relationships generally start? Dating, getting to know one another, talking about preferences, and all that sort. Knowing Riyaan for this long, he can tell for sure now, he wouldn't have gone through that Tinder app for getting laid. And that discovery now makes Ivan feel stupid. He brought him into this without having a proper experience. From Riyaan's perspective, it must suck to have a weird first experience. Sometimes, Ivan teases him about it just to see if there's a slightest hint of regret Riyaan harbours about how their relationship started.

‘What is up, what is funny?’ Riyaan walks in, half naked. There's a guitar in his hand, something that he thought he wanted until he did and then he abandoned it.

‘What are you doing with that?’

‘I want to play.’

‘You didn't even complete your lessons.’ Yeah, he abandoned those lessons too.

‘Do you want me to play a song for you?’ he asks, climbing up the bed, sitting opposite Ivan. It's cold as hell, and despite their room heater, you can still feel the draft. Why is he half naked on a day like this, that is also about to rain?

‘Come here.’ Ivan shifts closer to bring him towards his own body.

‘Wait, I want to play a song for you.’ He stops Ivan on his chest, and lightly pushes him back to his part of the bed.

‘Alright.’

‘This is a thank-you performance for you.’

‘A thank you performance? Why?’

‘You ask a lot of questions.’

‘Must be your disease that caught me.’

‘Shh,’ he says, playing with the strings of his guitar.

And indeed, there's a tune to it. His voice is a little rough because it's still quite a morning, but he knows how to carry a tune. And how to sing. He knows this song. Riyaan sings this a lot, when folding clothes, when scrolling phone screens, and many times. The tune is a mix of cheerful and romantic, and the lyrics talk about wanting to remove all the distance with a loved one by talking and meeting up. It's about first love.

In the middle of the song, when Ivan cannot wait any longer, he shifts again to kiss him, but Riyaan pushes him back again. Let me finish Riyaan’s eyes delivering a low-warning. Ivan laughs his desires off when in truth, all he wants to do is bite him everywhere.

But like a good boyfriend who understands what Ivan is going through, Riyaan kisses him on his lips as soon as he completes his performance.

‘Did you like it?’

‘I did. Were the words for me too, or just the performance.’

Riyaan drops his forehead on his shoulders. ‘Words too,’ he whispers.

Ivan grins like he is winning. Maybe, Riyaan doesn't have to say it, if he means the words of this song, isn't it a confession enough?

‘You know, you still haven't said it back.’ Ivan pretends to tease, but he wants to confirm for real.

‘Said what back?’

Ah, that’s how they are going to play then.

‘I said that I love you. I am a little hurt,’ Ivan pretends to sulk. ‘That you haven't said it back.’

Riyaan's eyes and his face lights up in a smile, which then turns into something playful. ‘But you have to say it first for me to say it back. When did you say it?’

Does he really not remember?

‘What, like three weeks ago. When you have completed all the food on the plate.’.

Riyaan considers him for a moment like he has just told a joke, and then bursts out in a small laugh. ‘Yeah…no. That doesn't count.’

‘What, why not?’

‘You just said it like you were proud of me, and that kiss and what you said was a reward.’

‘I was proud of you. I am proud of you. But why should that mean it doesn't count.’

‘It just…doesn't. That was not said with feelings. Especially cannot be counted for the first time.’

‘Hey, says who? I have all the feelings in the world.’

‘I know but at that time, it was not the correct feeling to say.’

‘So, you won't count it?’

‘No, I won't.’

‘So, why don't you say it first. Show me how it is said then. Teach me.’

‘No. You said patience and that's what I did. I have waited for a long time to have you say that not so I end up having to say it myself first.’

‘Lots going on in your life it seems, eh? Forget patience, I will give up on that. So say it first. Maybe I will learn when you teach me.’

‘No…you can't fool me with your sweet words. I get to hear it from you first.’

‘So you would make me say it twice without getting to hear one back after my first?’

‘Like I said, that one cannot be counted. It has to be with the right feelings.’

‘Right feelings..? Can it be said when I want to bite you while fucking you?’ Ivan gives a tug and he tumbles against his body.

‘Yes.’ That sure made him stop arguing because he has no power of himself when Ivan is doing this to him. ‘But —’

‘But?’

‘Not for the first time.’

‘Alright.’ Ivan gets it now. If he says it during sex, it means he cannot take it seriously. People say so many things during sex, but Riyaan still hasn't figured it out that, someone talking about passion and love during the most vulnerable times is in itself another thing that should be cherished. But what wouldn't be given to Riyaan when he wishes for it. ‘I get it. But you do know, right?’

‘Know what?’

Ivan smiles. He is impossible. ‘That I love you. That you make me happy, you make me laugh. You make me want to give. You …make me feel like if everything goes to ruin tomorrow, everything that I have accomplished, I would still not feel useless, because you always need me. You make me feel like what you want or need only I can give you that. How can I not fall in love with you?’

Riyaan is looking at him, blinking slowly. For a moment, Ivan thinks he said too much. Is he going to be embarrassed?

‘Is that what love to you is?’ he asks softly, running his fingers through Ivan's rough beard.

‘I …think so. What is love to you, anyway?’

‘You.’