Chapter Thirty-Eight - Ivan

'What happened to that business deal with Adil. Been a while, I forgot.' His father sits adjacent to him outdoors for breakfast. It's still early in the morning. Riyaan was still sleeping when he drove here from his step-brother's house. Living at his house means Riyaan doesn't have to live in his parents house. Hotels? Ivan didn't prefer! But it's also because he wanted Riyaan to have a glimpse of areas and environments that he spent quality time during childhood - somewhere he actually enjoyed, which is at his step-brother's.

'It's going good. Met with him yesterday too,' Ivan says, stifling a yawn. Oh, what would he give now just to get under the warmth of blankets and complete his good night's sleep! When has he become so obsessed with sleeping anyway?

'And? Who is here with you?'

'I told you before.' As in two weeks ago. He mentioned that Riyaan - his boyfriend - will be coming with him.

'Riyaan, is it? So you two are together now? What happened with Jai?'

The mention of Jai makes him feel stupid, and sick to his stomach. Some two and a half years he was waiting for that person, and now, he has no idea why. He cannot remember what he was waiting for. He cannot seem to remember why he filled some parts of his things associated with him - pictures, gifts, etc. Exactly, what has he been doing with Jai even while dating him, anyway?

'He is a fairly capable, successful young man. You two could have made so many successful businesses. I don't get it.'

'You will like Riyaan, too.' In truth, Ivan doesn't care if he likes Riyaan. He is not going to make Riyaan deal with this anyway.

'No doubt. What about the businesses with Jai? What went wrong?' His father presses, while pouring the third cup of tea for himself.

Ivan realises this is going to be a never-ending morning.

'Nothing went wrong. Things have been right. Riyaan happened. That's what happened. And I have sold my part of the business to Jai. He owns them all now. How many businesses does one man need anyway? I think my family and I are well off for the rest of our lives. I would work a few more years just to make sure.'

'Your family? How serious is this one?'

Ivan takes a deep breath.

In these last two years, he has visited Paris two times. And both times, he found himself inside that jewellery boutique. He's so in love but he cannot be acting impulsively. But twice - twice he ends up in the boutique, looking at that particular ring that he knows his Riyaan would like. He knows for sure Riyaan would love the ring so much - if he wouldn't be so dumbfounded by the proposal.

And now that Riyaan has said that first I love you and many times since then, he has to have that ring. Just in case, Riyaan suddenly gives the serious hint - a hint that makes him sure he needs to have it.

He is just this close to, but his father hasn't caught up yet it seems. But that's alright because that's what this trip is all about.

'The last one.'

'And does he know yet who his parents are?'

'So you do remember about him?'

'I do.'

'No. He doesn't know about his parents.'

'Do you?'

'No?'

'Who does he turn to when things go down? Does he have anyone, at all?'

Who does Riyaan need other than him?

'Me.' Isn't that what he wants too?

'Someone other than you? You cannot be that selfish.'

'How is that selfish?'

'Relationships are fragile. Do you expect him to come back to you out of fear that no one would help him except you? Is that what you want?'

'I...tell him to meet his friends and make friends. He doesn't want to. He is fine. I'll take care of him. I won't be selfish.' Why is he even explaining his relationship to his father? Every time he talks to this man called his father, it's as if he brings up all his insecurities in one place. Relationships might be fragile. Ivan doesn't believe theirs is! He doesn't want to. At the same time, the amount of confidence his father says with it shakes his own.

'Growing up, you have always been a little...proprietorial.'

'So you should have been there to teach me otherwise then.'

'Is this a reason why you are with that man? Because he could understand your issues?' Ivan cannot help but detect a hint of distaste by the end of the sentence.

Issues? Is having to grow up without your parents with you yet always having them control your life and life's decisions is just an issue?

Change schools - because your father said so. Focus on this subject more - because your father said so. Wait to sleep till midnight - because your parents will call. Play this sport - your father is good at it. His story is not even sad. It's cliché, common and pathetic. It's so common that people already felt bad for his ilk a few times before they hear his. But that's all okay; Riyaan hears him.

Ivan doesn't want to be angry. He has worked hard for years to maintain his calm, patience and to silence the hurt. And he has been so successful at it, and anger barely makes a dent anymore. Especially Riyaan with him now.

'No. I didn't advertise that I was looking for an orphaned man to be my life partner.'

* * *

The thought of Riyaan having to rely on people, other than him, makes him sad, mad, jealous, possessive, restless and all wrong all at the same time. He won't hurt him, he would never hurt him. Never so much so that Riyaan would be conflicted and find it hard to live with him. He will fulfil all his wishes, all his demands, and everything. Hell! He even convinced Riyaan to leave his job because it was making Riyaan so stressed and sad everyday. And he has been taking up more clients and putting more effort in his existing businesses so if Riyaan just to just paint and sit by the window comfortably, without ever wanting to go back to work, he can.

But now he wonders if it's truly cruel to expect Riyaan to depend on him fully - him so isolated financially, or in the aspects of a relationship.

'Hi,' his body pressed against Ivan's from behind. The 'hi' sounds a little cheerful, but it's subtle. All the tensions leaves his body and he hasn't even consented to giving in. It's just that touch. His touch.

'Hi,' Ivan says, trailing Riyaan's arms around his body. His arms are warm, and feels like he has been outside in the sun after he was gone.

'Why don't we have a pond like this in our home?'

Our home! All the right words. 'We have a swimming pool.' He pulls Riyaan until they are pressed together, no space between them, Riyaan's chest to his back. Until Riyaan is pressing his forehead on his nape.

'Yeah but not like this pond. It's all natural.'

That is true.

'I missed you,' he says then with that voice, needy and as though complaining.

'I was gone for three hours, sweetheart.'

'I know,' Riyaan says, hands undoing buttons on his shirt.

'What did you do under the sun?'

'Slept in the grass. And listened to music.'

'And when did you have the time to miss me in between?' Ivan teases, turns around and captures his mouth in a soft kiss.

* * *

The next day, his father doesn't ask Riyaan too many questions. Or doesn't try to intimidate him for fun.

And right after that meeting, Ivan is sure he would have no regret even if his parents are not present at any important events in their lives onwards. The most he could do was this - introduce Riyaan to them as he means so much to him.

Riyaan must know, right? They talk about it all the time. Ivan has revolved his life around Riyaan, and there's no plan ever since they got together that doesn't involve Riyaan. Riyaan knows that. And he likes that. A ring wouldn't be too surprising for him - not so much so that he would have to only start thinking of marriage only after seeing the ring. Considering they even discussed moving countries quite a few times.

But every time Ivan gets close to buying that ring, he panic. Sure, Riyaan wanted a home, a husband and all those fairytale endings but ...he has also changed a lot now. He understands the intricacies and complexities of going out on a date to places they wished too. People are not always accepting and he understands that. Ivan believes Riyaan knows everything - how much Ivan needs him everyday. At the same time, as if Riyaan has no idea how much he means to Ivan.

* * *

~6 months later ~

He shouldn't have come to work today - what was he thinking? The plan was to just call Riyaan from work, pick him up from home for dinner, and then propose? Now that he is thinking this through, at the last minute, he is second guessing his plan.

Should've made this more special. Definitely should've made this more special!

It's too late now. He has no option but to go with his plan, and just because it's today, he even shakes a little as he breathes out while dialing Riyaan.

It rings for a while, which is not usual.

'Did you see my pendrive, baby? I cannot find it anywhere, I have to transfer files.' That's what he hears as soon as Riyaan picks up his call.

Ah! He was expecting a Hi baby.

'Uh, I ...don't think so. Maybe check with your adapters and cables?'

He can hear Riyaan madly going through things. Seems like quite the mood. 'Found it.'

'Were you just waiting for me to call?'

'I was about to call. How's work?'

'Boring.'

'So, come home then?'

'Okay...'

'Soon? Now? Will you come back now?'

'No, not this soon. Maybe at 4:30.'

'Can we continue that game from yesterday?'

'Er...yeah. No. Actually, I want to take you out to dinner.' Ivan can feel his heartbeat and his face getting hotter over this sentence, which he has said multiple times over these last two years. To the same person. Same way. But it's different today. 'If you say "yes".'

'A date? Okay, yes.'

'It's...uh, the place is a little far from here. Could you please stay ready for five, so we can leave right away?'

'Yeah I can do that. Is it a new place?'

Riyaan is not always fond of new places, or most places. He himself doesn't like them all. Right after they started dating officially, Riyaan explained he understood why Ivan was hesitant about going out with him. It's the stares people give in some places. This leaves very few places they can go and nobody bats an eye. Thankfully, this new one is heavily recommended by Preet and Kris, and others, albeit a little far. But today, he cannot risk anything so driving a distance sounds rational.

'Yes. It's new but I promise it's very serene, private and beautiful, at least in photos.'

'Fine. Come soon.'

* * *

On his way home, Ivan buys a flower bouquet. He has brought flowers for Riyaan before and has taken him out for dinner multiple times but never both on the same day somehow. Riyaan will probably be curious. And he has no idea what he will answer.

The plan is simple: give Riyaan the flowers, change his clothes into nicer ones, reach the place, see if Riyaan is comfortable and then...bring out the ring. It must be before they dine though, he cannot keep it for so long. And Riyaan would read in his face.

They definitely should refrain from too much touching and kissing though, just to make sure they are in the right head. To make sure Riyaan is in his right head.

He pulls his car over on the driveway. Riyaan is leaning against the front door, looking at him through his car glass. Ivan smiles, he smiles back. He definitely looks ready, and is that the white sweater Ivan wished he would wear today? That's great; maybe everything will go great today.

Ivan hands him the bouquet of white florals. The scent is nice but it's not red roses. He should've gotten him red roses but it was late in the evening and he didn't get many choices.

'Thank you. Is it something special today?' Riyaan holds the bouquet in his left hand while tugging at jacket towards him for a kiss.

Just so Ivan doesn't have to answer, he indulges. A little peck on the lips won't make them go crazy in the head and he will still be able to execute the plan.

Ivan walks inside, he has to wash his face and change his clothes. Their hands are still intertwined; Riyaan moves with him.

'I will wash my face real fast.' He tries to let go of his hand, but Riyaan holds firm and lightly presses him into the corner.

He wants to kiss - teeth and tongue involved - Ivan can tell, he can always tell what kind of kiss Riyaan wants at what time.

How can Ivan not give in? He does let Riyaan press him into the wall, with all his body and lets him kiss.

Oh goodness, focus!

'Want you, let's skip.'

No. No.

Ivan carefully removes himself from his hold. 'Reservation, sweetheart. It's beautiful, you'll like it. You'll see.'

'I already have beautiful everything here. I like it here already.'

For a second, Ivan freezes in contemplation as he washes his face. Right, maybe he should have cooked, and proposed to him here, at home itself.

'I promise,' he takes Riyaan's face in his hand, and presses a wet kiss on his forehead. 'It's more beautiful. And we don't want to be late.'

Riyaan agrees but also sulks.

Ivan wants to kiss him senseless when he makes this face. As he is buttoning up his sleeves, Riyaan is trying carefully to discipline his baby hair in the front. Ivan likes his hair disheveled more - especially right after sex when he is sweating, drawing shaky breaths, and his hair sometimes sticks to his forehead.

His hand automatically moves at the thought, to mess up Riyaan's hair just the way he likes to see it. He is fast to stop his hand mid-air. 'Stop, we are already getting late.'

Look at this feisty man! And look at me, ended up making the mood bad and mode difficult.

'Come here, I'll fix it.'

'No.'

Ivan takes his face anyway, brushing his hair back towards the back a little. His hair has become healthy over the years - definitely changed since he never used any kind of hair care before except shampooing. 'Now, give me a sweet kiss.' Ivan gestures towards his cheek. Riyaan does.

For the last time, Ivan internally rehearses the speech or proposal.

Remember a year back, when you were telling me how I don't see you? This has changed. But now I am afraid, you won't see me the way I love you. And I can do a thousand things and still cannot tell you how much I think about you, and of you everyday. With you, I see myself clearly. And I ask you ( want to ask you?) to accept my love forever, because I don't know what else to do with it. What to do without you. Will you please marry me, my love?'

'Will you change?'

'No.' A look at his clothes. Too bland? He was supposed to change. 'Yeah, I will change to a sweater like yours, I think.'

And no, he's not changing the trousers. He can't risk shifting the ring box from one place to another.

Maybe he should go with the black high-neck, Riyaan loves that on him. But he doesn't see that one immediately as he opens the wardrobe.

'The pink one,' Riyaan says, hugging him from behind.

'Alright. The pink one.' Ivan picks.

'And the trousers?' Riyaan asks him, moving his hands lower towards his hips. Thankfully, his jacket is hiding the bulge from the box.

'They remain,' Ivan says, holding Riyaan's hand so that it doesn't go down any further. If it were another day, he would have been happily enjoying this. 'Go, get your shoes fast.'

And because he is so clingy and needy today, or because he likes to act silly and annoy him sometimes - Ivan assumes - Riyaan leans against Ivan's body for support as he puts on his shoes. Ivan knows they are a match, because it's not making him angry but rather laugh.

'What ...'

They both tumble a little, knocking some things over the drawer.

'Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Oh my god, sorry.' Riyaan is speaking his apologies as Ivan gets down on his knees to collect the things. And he thought the only time he will kneel today is during the proposal.

'Sorry, I will do it.'

'No. Wait,' Ivan is taking Riyaan's boots to help him wear it. Riyaan reluctantly let's him help.

'I am down on my knees,' Ivan says out loud although he didn't plan to. He has no idea what that announcement is supposed to mean. A test? A spoiler? An attempt at making this more non-special than it already is?

'I can see that,' Riyaan comments.

Ivan holds Riyaan in one place, his hands on Riyaan's hips, before pressing and hiding his face against his belly because his mind just came up with a stupid idea that he should bring out the box, right now. He is almost shaking with frenzy ness..

'Oh, what are you doing?'

It's not what he is doing. It's what he is about to do. Something that would change his life forever, Riyaan's life too. Change everything for them eventually. It's only likely that he gets this nervous.

'Ivan, are you okay? You have been a little...different today.' His voice has a hint of concern.

'Mm. Yes. Wait, stay exactly the way you're right now.' Ivan removes his hands from his hips. 'Wait.'

'Please, you're scaring me, Ivan,' Riyaan says.

'Wait, almost found it,' he brings out the box.

'What's that?' Riyaan asks, as if he is unsure whether to ask.

'You tell me.' Ivan holds eye contact with him with a hint of smile. Riyaan looks from him to the box and back to him, and then takes a deep breath. Ivan tracks every change in his expressions, looking for any sign to figure out how Riyaan is feeling about this. Even if he is not ready for this, he will wait.

'Wait, oh!' Riyaan brings his hand to his own cheeks that seems to be getting all flushed. He closes his eyes and takes another deep breath. 'Oh!'

'I am waiting.' Somehow, Ivan's nervousness has transferred to Riyaan's now. He hasn't even asked the question yet.

'Ivan,' he calls out in a small voice, almost broken. 'Hold me, please.'

He is emotional - Ivan gets it. He is about to, too.

So Ivan gets up. 'Hold this,' he gives the box to Riyaan before holding the most important person in life. And then brings his body closer to him and embraces him.

'Is this really happening?'

'Yes.' Ivan says, trying to hold back himself from tearing up. He can tell Riyaan is excited. 'If you want.'

'Yes. I do want.' His voice is a mess of sobs and chortles. Something in his voice makes Ivan start wondering if he has been a little late to do this.

'Alright.' Ivan slowly releases him from his embrace and puts out his palm. Riyaan gives him the box back. Before kneeling down again, he checks if Riyaan has gathered himself.

Damn! What was the speech?

Forget it!

The End

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