Chapter 59

Azrael's POV

No one understands how I really feel. Every day I struggled to wake up, to continue living without

Alex. I miss her presence, her smile, her kiss and I miss everything about her. I kept thinking about

her every second, every minute, and every hour of every day. How could I stop thinking about her

when my heart yearns for her? It's been three months, and it's just getting worse because I couldn't

concentrate on my Alpha duty.

My pack members looked at me in pity every time they saw me, and I hated it. Because of it, I

mostly spend my time in my office during the day and running in the forest at night to vent out my

anger and frustration. Matthew and Lucy are the only ones I permitted entering my office because,

without them, I am going insane. Well, sometimes Liza would come to my office, but I shooed her

away. I don't want to see her because I will just remember how Alex died.

My heart is aching every time I remember that horrible scene. The memories keep haunting me

even in my sleep. Losing Alex means losing half of me, and I don't know if I could go on like this. It

has affected my Alpha job for the past months and I don't think I deserve to be an Alpha of the

pack anymore. Matthew did all the work when I left and I think he is more deserving to be an Alpha,

not a jerk like me.

Using mind-link, I talked to my Beta, “Matthew, please come to my office.’

“Is something wrong, Alpha?’

“No. Just come here.’

“Okay, Alpha.’

While waiting for Matthew, I continued checking some documents. I have to complete everything

and get it done today. Not long after, someone knocks on the door. “Come in,” I said and looked up

when the door opened and Matthew came in with a smile.

“Matthew, have a seat.”

“You want something, Alpha?” he asked as he settled himself in the seat in front of me.

"Matthew, I have a favor to ask you,” I said, dropping the pen from my grip and stared at Matthew.

"What is it, Alpha? I will do everything you will say,” he said.

“Really?” I confirmed, and he nodded.

“Alpha, my heart is racing, and I feel like this conversation will not be good,” he said while frowning.

I chuckled a little.

“Matthew—"

"And you're not even calling me Beta. Are you okay, Alpha?” he asked with eyebrows furrowed.

"Stop with the formalities, Matthew. We are alone, so no need to address me as Alpha.” I said and

gave him a faint smile.

He sighed and slowly nodded his head, “Okay, Azrael. Now, as your best friend, I know something's

going on with that head of yours. Tell me, is everything alright?” he asked anxiously.

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Matthew, I am stepping down as the Alpha of the pack. I think I'm

not deserving to be the Alpha of the pack anymore.”

He looked stunned with his jaw dropped, “What?! Azrael, are you insane? You are our Alpha no

matter what. You are not stepping down in your position. The pack is nothing without you. We are a

lot stronger with you as our Alpha.” he said dramatically while clenching his jaw and stood up while

staring at me unbelievably.

I shook my head and said, “No, Matthew. The pack is much stronger with you as their Alpha. You

prove yourself when I left. All I did was bring the pack down. Many warriors had died because of me.

If 1 didn't let them go with me, they wouldn't die sacrificing their life for everyone.”

Matthew let out a frustrated sigh, “You're wrong, Azrael. The pack warriors had no choice because it

was an order from the King. Everyone just abides by the King's order and the pack warrior's death is

not your fault. Azrael, we believe in you as our Alpha. No matter what happens, the pack will still

choose you as our Alpha.”

How would I do without Matthew? He's like my sibling with different parents. I'm so lucky to have

him as my Beta. Well, we grew up together and I think he knows me well more than I do.

“That's what ashamed me, Matthew. You all believe in me, but I didn't acknowledge that because I

don't believe in myself either. I am the one that led them to their death. And do you think I didn't

know that some pack members who lost their loved ones in the war hated me? Matthew, they

blamed me for the death of many and I can't stay being an Alpha anymore, not without a Luna too.

Matthew, I'm handing you the position as an Alpha of Shepherd Pack.” I said, and it stunned him to

say a word.

The room went silent and only the ticks of the clock echoed. It's like nothing can break the silence.

After a little while, Matthew shook his head in disbelief and said, “No. I won't accept the position

you offer, Azrael. No matter what you say, you're still our Alpha. Why do you think I took care of the

pack when you left looking for your mate? I did it for you, Azrael, because you are my best friend. I

was there when you lost your parents and I was there when you needed a shoulder to cry on when

you lost your mate. As your best friend, I will do everything to make you happy. You are like a

brother to me, Azrael. So don't say you didn’t deserve to be our Alpha because you've done a lot of

things for the better future of the pack. Don't say you have done nothing worthy because you did a

lot. You just haven't realized it yet because you always think, you didn't do your best when in fact it's

more than you can imagine.”

I went silent again as I processed Matthew's words. However, he doesn't understand what I felt, my

heart is full of pain and regrets, missing Alex is killing me. And this behavior of mine will bring the

pack down. A pack needs a strong Alpha, not a weak and a mateless Alpha. And I am not qualified

to be their Alpha anymore.

"But Matthew, I can't continue leading the pack if I don't believe in myself anymore. I've lost my will

to do my duty as an Alpha. The pack needs a Luna, which I couldn't give anymore. Matthew, I won't

be able to find a new mate because all I need is Alex. As early as possible, I am stepping down with

my position as an Alpha.” I said, standing up from my chair, then walked towards the window and

looked outside.

“But Azrael—"

“Matthew, my decision is final. I am not qualified to be an Alpha anymore.” I said, taking a step

towards him with a smile. “And I believe in you, Matthew. Don't worry, I will visit every once a year if

I can.”

He frowned and looked at me incredulously, “I'm confused, Azrael. You are not just stepping down

in your position, but you are leaving the pack? No. I won't accept it.” he said while shaking his head.

Suddenly, the door busted open with a loud bang. Lucy came in with clenched teeth and teary eyes.

“Did I hear it right, Alpha? You're leaving?” she said with a questioning look. I sighed and walked

back towards the window.

Lucy sobbed and said, “Is it because of Andrea? I mean—Alexandria?”

I clenched my jaw while trying to stop the tears from falling on my face. Just a mention of Alex's

name makes my heart ache.

"You're a coward, Alpha. You rejected her before and then when you realize how stupid you are for

dumping your mate, you chase her and trying to win her back. And now that she’s gone, you're

dumping us too? You are a coward! A stupid jerk!"

“Lucy, stop!” Matthew tried to stop Lucy.

I clenched my fist into a ball and gritted my teeth. The truth just slapped me hard on my entire ego.

“No, Matt! He needed someone to slap him with the truth. Of how a jerk he was!" Lucy said while

glaring at me.

“Lucy, I said stop! Don't you understand he’s hurting? He doesn’t need your sermon right now, he

needs our understanding.” Matthew said and looked at me with an apology.

Lucy stared at Matthew in disbelief and then glaring daggers at both of us, “Bullshit! If you want to

leave, then go!” Lucy said full of anger and darted out the room. The door creates a loud thud when

Lucy slammed the door shut.

I slumped my shoulders and looked down on the floor. “I'm sorry about Lucy. She's pregnant, that's

why she reacts like that.” Matthew tried to explain his wife outburst.

I let out a deep breath, and silence enveloped us. I looked at him and said, “I understand her,

Matthew. We grew up together, and it shocked her to know that I'm leaving.”

"Why must you leave?”

“Because I'm tired of everything. This past month, I realized I wanted to live a normal life away from

everything. But I think I couldn't live a normal life anymore.”

“You wanted to forget us? Is that what you're going to say?”

“It's not like that, Matthew. I will leave not because I want to forget the bad things that happened

and to forget all of you, but I want to discover the truth about me.” I said.

“Do you mean about you being an angel?”

"Yes. My mother had told me before that her parents are still alive. I want to find my grandparents.”

Memories of my mom flashing in my head.

“If you want to find them, we will support you. You can leave the pack to me and Lucy, but we will

give back your title once you're back.” I shook my head no.

“No need to give it back. Matthew, it's better if you lead the pack. You will make a good Alpha, I

know that. With Lucy as your Luna, the pack will stand strong. Please, Matthew...”

"Okay," he said then sighed, “I will support you in every decision you will make. I'm always here if

you need my help.” he added.

“Thank you, Matthew.” he walked towards me and hugged me. I'm really lucky to have Matthew.

I was preparing my things when a knock on the door interrupted me. “Come in,” I said and

continued packing. The door busted open and Liza came in. Her eyes traveled to my backpack on

the bed.

"Azrael! Are you really leaving?” Liza asked while frowning.

"Yes," I said and zip my bag when I'm done. She walked towards me and stopped three meters away

from me. I looked at her quizzically.

"Azrael, please let me come with you...” she begged. A mist formed in the corner of her eyes.

I sighed, “Liza, you can't. Please stop following me around. How many times do I have to tell you I

don't want to see you?”

A hint of hurt flashed in her eyes. She looked down on the floor, then sobbed. “I'm sorry... but can't

we start all over again? I still love you, Azrael. Please let me go with you. You're my life, Azrael, and

you know you are the only one I have.” she said while sobbing. She looked up and walked closer

towards me. She gripped my hand and begged me, “Please, Azrael. Let me come with you.”

I let out a deep sigh and stared at Liza. “I don't love you, Liza. I never did. And I'm sorry, but I can't

let you go with me. You can't depend on me forever, Liza. Go, find your mate instead.” I said and

pushed her away from me slightly.

“But I don't want a mate. All I want is you!” she insisted. I close my eyes in frustration.

“Damn it, Liza! Please stop being stubborn. I will never be yours.” I said coldly.

"Alexandria is already dead! And I'm sure, I will be your second chance mate!” she said, and I

stopped. I gritted my teeth in anger.

I growled and grabbed her collar, she looked at me with fear in her eyes, “You will never be my

second chance mate! Put that in your head, Liza! Because Alexandria and I are forever a mate!” I

said.

“But she’s dead!” she insisted while crying.

“No! She will come back for me!” I said and pushed her, which almost made her stumble on the

floor. She looked at me full of pain while tears streamed down on her face. “You're a mess, Azrael. I

hate you!” She got up while wiping her tears and darted out of my room, slamming my door shut in

a loud thud. I brushed my fingers in my hair frustratedly and lay down in my bed. Tomorrow is my

departure, and I already packed the things I needed for my journey.

Earlier, I formally appointed Matthew to everyone as their new Alpha. They were all stunned at my

decision. Some pack members opposed my idea, but the others agreed because they also saw that

Matthew deserved to be their Alpha. Even though Matthew has no Alpha blood, he still can protect

the pack like I did.

The reason I wanted to leave the pack is that I want to live a normal life. I'm tired of fighting against

one another. That's why I decided to look for my grandparents. I want to start anew while waiting

for Alex to return. I will change the way I live for the past year. Also, I want to be stronger for Alex.

At three in the morning, I am ready to go. Matthew and Lucy are the only ones who walked me to

my car. But Lucy is crying while clinging to my arms. “Waahh, Azrael, I will miss you. Visit us when

you can, okay?” I nodded.

"Of course, Lucy. Take care of yourself and the baby, okay?” she hummed, and we stopped in front

of my car.

Matthew has his back turned to us while looking up. “Bro, take care of Lucy and the pack. And Liza,

too.” he finally looked at me with a sad expression.

“But that girl is a bitch.” Lucy scoffed. Matthew and I chuckled. “Give her another chance, Lucy. I

know Liza hides her true self. She just needs someone to lean on and someone to talk to. I think you

can tame her, Lucy. All her life, she's attached to me and didn't let anyone get close to her. If I'm

nowhere in her sight, she will gradually learn to communicate with you and the others. Just talk to

her.” I said, and she nodded.

“Fine. If that bitch tried to hurt me, I will send her to the neighboring pack.” I smiled at Lucy. I know

she doesn’t mean what she said.

Matthew cleared his throat and stared at me. “Alpha, be careful with your journey. I hope you will

find your grandparents,” he said, and I nodded.

“Thank you, Matthew, Lucy. I promise I'll be back.”

Before I got inside my car, they hugged me and waved me goodbye. I smiled as I turned on the

engine and it roared into life. As I maneuvered the car, I looked at the rearview mirror to see them

still waving at me and not only them but also the others. I guess they showed up late. That put a

smile on my face.

I drove slowly down into the dark road. After an hour of driving, I reached the highway. No cars

were passing by and I am the only one on the long road. I continued driving with music blasted in

low volume. The city is still far away and I guess it will take six hours to reach the city.

When I maneuvered the car on the curved road, something rang in my ears. I gasped and my eyes

widened when suddenly a blinding light appeared out of nowhere. My car screeched and when I

stepped on the brake, the car didn't stop. It's like a powerful force was pulling my car into the

blinding light. Did I hit other cars? But I didn't see any cars passing by other than mine. My breath

hitched in my throat as I closed my eyes. I couldn't hear anything and it's like I am floating in the air.

I tried to flutter my eyes open, but I couldn't because of the light. And I don’t know what is

happening because it was so sudden until I lost my consciousness.