chapter thirty-two: sunsets

"You are who you choose to be."

~Spider-Man

~~~~~~~

Kelsey waited pensively at a quaint café an hour outside of L.A..

Her heart fluttered quickly every once in a while at the thought of seeing Sandy.

Kelsey had texted her a week ago, asking her if she wanted to have lunch and catch up.

She'd tried to sound casual in hopes of not making their meeting awkward.

She pulled out her phone after ordering a second glass of water and scrolled through their messages.

Kelsey—Hey Sandy! Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing; I know it's been a while. I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner one night. I know you're busy, but I'd love to see you sometime.

She'd wanted to add that she missed her. But did she?

Sandy—hi. nice to hear from you. maybe we can go to Le Belle, it's an hour away from me. im busy most evenings, so it would have to be lunch.

Kelsey had agreed, and now she sat, alone, at a fancy café with Sandy nowhere in sight.

She checked her watch.

Sandy was supposed to be there almost twenty minutes ago.

Kelsey swirled the black straw around in her glass, watching the women pass by dressed in expensive clothes.

She couldn't help but think how strange it was that she ended up here, in L.A.. She didn't fit into any of the spaces that California molded, yet she was finding her own piece to the puzzle. And she was slowly beginning to like it.

"Hey," a voice said.

Kelsey straightened and turned towards Sandy. Her voice didn't carry the shrill, Valley Girl tone it used to. Instead, it was cold and hollow.

Sandy wore a pair of orange jeans with a gaudy diamond belt at the waist. Her white shirt bloused at the bottom and highlighted a chunky jewel necklace that was tied around the collar. Her hair perfectly curled hair framed her flawless face of makeup, as usual. But she was thinner than she used to be.

Her cheeks were sunken in and her overall frame was boney. All former evidence of vivacity was completely gone from Sandy's appearance.

"Hey Sandy!" Kelsey said, standing up and giving her a hug.

Sandy gave a pink-lipped smile and sat down. "Long time no see."

They struggled to make conversation for the first few minutes before ordering their food.

"How's Northern California?" Kelsey twisted her napkin absentmindedly in her lap.

"It's fine," Sandy replied. "I like it. Not as picturesque as L.A. but," she shrugged a shoulder.

"Are you happy there?" Kelsey dared.

Again, Sandy shrugged. "Alex is doing well for himself, I guess. He somehow got the bank to give him another loan, so he hired some people to work the vineyard. I make most of the money, but we get along."

"But are you happy?" Kelsey pressed, not sure if she was crossing a boundary.

Sandy gave a half smile. "Ah, Kel... you haven't changed. I thought maybe L.A. would take a little of that hopeless optimism out of you, but you're still as naïve as ever."

Kelsey blinked. Perhaps Sandy had meant for it to be a compliment, but she felt far from flattered.

Their food arrived and Kelsey unashamedly dove into a baguette flambee as Sandy picked at her leafy salad with disinterest.

"Are you still seeing Ethan Glenn?" she asked.

Kelsey felt heat rising in her cheeks. Embarrassment? Why should she care what Sandy thought?

"Yeah. We've been dating for three months now."

Sandy laughed quietly. "Good for you."

Kelsey found herself releasing a breath of relief. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, why not?"

Kelsey's growing smile faltered. "What do you mean by that?"

Sandy flicked her fork through her salad. "I've just come to terms with life, Kel." She rolled her eyes upwards, showing the first sign of animation since she arrived. "You're gonna try really, really hard to make a good life for yourself. That's what we all want, right? And we think that maybe one day everything will fall into place, but it never does. So we have to settle for what we've got." She lifted her shoulders. "Me? I thought I'd move here, get away from my family, run a successful blog, live a Barbie life, maybe start a family one day. Now look at me. I'm stuck in a crap-hole house in the middle of nowhere, with a guy who cares more about his gaming friends than me, while I'm falling apart."

Kelsey bit her cheek. It wasn't Sandy's words that cut her so deeply, but the way she was so cold, so expressionless when she said them. Her heart had turned to callous stone.

"And before you start preaching at me," Sandy said. "All of that was to say that, yes, I'm glad for you and Ethan. Be happy while you can."

"Because it doesn't last," Kelsey finished.

Sandy took a sip of her water.

So many words tried to make their way to Kelsey's lips. Life would never be perfect like Sandy wanted, but there was beauty to be found through everything.

Kelsey contemplated for a moment. "I have a friend," she said quietly, "and she used to be so hopelessly awful." She gave a small laugh. "She was the meanest person I've met in L.A. to date, and she told me some of the same things that you're saying when I catered her party. She said that marriage was nothing but an alliance and that life was going to be bleak no matter what path you take."

Sandy lifted an eyebrow, but seemed to be listening.

"She was in an abusive relationship, she partied every night, and she drowned out her sorrows in either alcohol or clothes." Kelsey smiled. "But she's changed so much, Sandy. She's still her old self—pretentious, loud, crazy as a bed bug—but she's found hope again."

Kelsey's heart fluttered with warmth. In a million years, she would've never guessed she'd be using Becca Lynn's name as a good example.

Sandy nodded. "Good for her."

Kelsey leaned back in her seat. Didn't Sandy get it? Didn't she see how similar her life was to Becca's? Why couldn't she just see past the pit of despair she was in?

"Are you still cooking?" Sandy asked, completely derailing the conversation with her lack of interest.

The rest of the meal was shared in idle chitchat. Sandy was making plans to go to the Etsy convention, Kelsey told her about being promoted in her job, Sandy made her own studio where she was filming YouTube videos.

When they stood up to leave, Kelsey mustered a smile. "It was good to see you again."

Sandy nodded. "You too."

Kelsey hugged her tightly, feeling a little piece of her heart break, knowing that a girl who was once filled with energy and light was now brought down so low.

As Sandy walked away, Kelsey wondered if it would be the last time she ever saw her friend.

~~~~~~

Kelsey held Ethan's hand as they sat on the beach, wrapped in a large beach towel.

They'd planned an evening eating pizza along the shore, but the wind had suddenly picked up, casting sand all over their food and pricking their skin. They used the beach towel for protection.

"I just don't understand," Ethan was saying. "My agent calls me and says he has a part for me, but turns it down because the movie is directed by a guy who only has experience making indie films."

"What's so bad about being an indie director?" Kelsey asked, tucking her feet behind the beach towel and leaning against Ethan with a yawn. She was exhausted from her day with Sandy.

"Nothing!" Ethan cried. "So he hasn't won an Oscar. Big deal."

"What was the movie about?"

"It was based on a true story during World War II. It seemed really good." Ethan sighed. "I wish I could've been a part of it. Now my agent's probably going to get me some stupid role in a chick flick again."

Kelsey blinked sleepily and yawned again. "Then don't take whatever role he offers."

"But then I'm out of a job," Ethan said, not noticing that Kelsey was half asleep. "I just wish it was easier to make my own way. I know you think I should just stand up and tell them what I want, but there are so many other people involved in what I do, I can't just abandon it all."

He stared at the horizon absently. "If only I could do it all over again, right?"

Silence followed and Ethan glanced down. Kelsey was fast asleep, her head resting against his chest, her mouth slightly agape.

He smiled and kissed the top of her head.

He felt bad about her meeting with Sandy and couldn't help but speculate that a small part of her felt like Sandy's blindness was similar to his.

He wasn't in denial. All he wanted was to go back to the theater. Besides the fact that he had a lot riding on him, he couldn't let Micah down.

Ethan remembered the day he died. The shock and pain and fear.

He was only sixteen when he had to call the ambulance after discovering that his cousin was unresponsive.

All Micah had ever wanted was to be an actor. Ethan knew it would've made him happy to see him on the big screen. Wouldn't it?

And when his mother was diagnosed with cancer, during the days when the doctors weren't sure if she'd make it, she'd always tell Ethan how proud she was of him.

He felt like he had promises to keep. Promises he'd made to himself.

Ethan rested his cheek against Kelsey's hair. If he could tell her that, she'd understand.

But his feelings were something he was used to keeping to himself.

It was acceptable to be the fun, kind, thoughtful guy in the room. The guy who'd changed for the better and had become a new person. It was easy to walk around in that skin.

If people knew how deeply his past haunted him, he'd receive more frowns than smiles.

But Kelsey knew.

Even though he never shared some of the despicable things he'd fallen into, somehow, she knew.

And it scared him.

There was something about Kelsey that made him want to hide. Not because she would judge him, but because she would expose him to himself. He'd have to face the life he created.

And he hated the way he kept running from it.

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Hey everyone! Hope you enjoyed that chapter!

~What do you think about Kelsey and Sandy's meeting?

~What about Ethan's reasoning for not leaving acting?

~General thoughts?

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