chapter thirty-six: old news and darker hues

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us."

~Riding in Cars with Boys

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An easy smile spread across Althea Stellan's face.

She wasn't just beautiful, she was stunning.

Kelsey wished she could disappear or melt through the floor. Anything to get away.

Althea took a step forward, but Ethan intercepted Kelsey's view.

"Here you go," he said, handing her a glass of punch.

Kelsey opened her mouth to warn him, but a finger tapped him on the shoulder.

Ethan turned and froze.

Kelsey held her breath.

There was a moment unlike anything Kelsey had experienced. There was static in the air, followed by suffocating silence.

Althea lifted an eyebrow. "Hey, stranger."

Ethan's face was void of any color. Once he got over his shock, his jaw clenched. "Althea."

She shifted her eyes to look at Kelsey. A sweeter smile graced her pretty face and she extended a hand. "Hi."

Kelsey shook it, reminding herself to breathe. "Nice to meet you."

"I'm so happy you and Ethan found each other," she said. "You looked really happy out there."

Kelsey blinked and tilted her head to the side. "Um, thank you."

Ethan took Kelsey's arm. "Let's go."

"Oh—" Kelsey was about to follow him when Althea stopped them.

"Hey, I hope there aren't any hard feelings," Althea said. "I've changed since what happened."

She cast her eyes downward.

"Glad to hear it," Ethan replied curtly.

"I wanted to apologize," she added.

Ethan almost turned to leave again, but Kelsey stopped him.

"Ethan," she whispered.

He cut his eyes at her.

"I'm really serious," Althea continued. "I feel awful about everything."

"I should hope so," Ethan said. Kelsey realized she'd never heard him angry before.

Althea bit her lip. "I guess I was hoping that you'd understand, you know?"

"Understand? Understand what? Althea, there's not a fiber in your body that could possibly want to change."

"Ethan!" Kelsey gasped.

Her emotions clashed with one another inside. She was shocked and terrified to meet Ethan's ex-girlfriend. She'd be terrified even if Althea wasn't the one who went crazy and exploited him to the media. But she seemed so genuine.

"Everyone can change," she blurted.

Ethan and Althea both turned to look at her.

Kelsey sucked in a breath. "I've seen it more than once," she said, offering a shaky smile.

Althea took her hand. "Thank you. I agree." She looked up at Ethan again. "Wish you could be as forgiving as the girl you deceived into thinking you were better than the rest of us."

Ethan's jaw worked furiously and his eyes were full of fire. "I don't have time for you anymore."

He turned and left, forcing Kelsey to follow.

She was close at his heels until he stopped in a secluded corner.

Ethan faced her and sucked in a breath. "I can't believe you."

Kelsey recoiled. "Excuse me?"

"You just played right into her hands."

"How?"

"That's what she does. She manipulates you." He let out a bitter laugh. "She hasn't changed, she just wanted me to admit that I hadn't either."

"But what if she has?" Kelsey countered. "She seemed like she really meant it."

"She's an actress, Kelsey," he snapped.

"I don't understand how you couldn't at least be civil," Kelsey said. "I'm the one who had to face your ex, and I was twice as decent as you were."

"You have no idea what I've had to go through with her."

"Why are you overreacting about this? I get that it was a big deal, and I'm sorry for trying to be nice to her."

"Why couldn't you have just left it alone?" He shoved his hand through his hair. "I've been trying to avoid her since we broke up, then you have to make me look like an idiot by believing her stupid façade."

Kelsey scoffed. "I made you look like an idiot?"

"You want to know what your problem is?" Ethan asked. "You try to fix everyone."

Kelsey pressed her lips together. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"You think you can just come in and turn everybody around. But sometimes you can't. Sometimes we have to stay where we are. Sometimes we have to learn things on our own. Sometimes we can't be fixed."

Kelsey swallowed hard past the lump in her throat. "You can't be serious right now."

"I am!" Ethan said. "Whatever fantasy you always have in your head isn't true! You're so stuck on seeing the good in people, you can never appreciate what they're going through!"

"So what? You want me to go around with a chip on my shoulder? Like you?" Kelsey could feel her insides shaking. How could Ethan be this way? "And you can accuse me of whatever you want, but maybe Althea's right. Maybe you haven't changed."

Ethan gave her a sharp glare. "Don't you dare."

But Kelsey wasn't finished. "Maybe your attitude's changed, but you're still holding on to your stupid past. If you don't have time for Althea anymore, then why does her memory still follow you around? And speaking of someone's memory, your sister told me about Micah—a small detail that you never cared to share with me—among all the other things you decide to keep a secret."

"Woah, that's not fair," Ethan replied.

"And you accusing me of being stupid and naïve is?"

"I'm trying!" Ethan cried. "I promised Micah that I'd keep acting. I can't just let that go like you think I can!"

A moment of silence passed between them, almost too thick to breathe.

Kelsey inhaled to keep from crying. "I've been there for you. I've been so patient. And you can get mad at me for being nice to your ex-girlfriend all you want, but let me remind you why I'm here at this freaking premiere in the first place. Let me remind you why I got mobbed by paparazzi the other day and wrecked a brand-new oven because of it. Let me remind you that I came here to be a chef and now I've become famous." Her voice was shaking uncontrollably. "It was all for you."

Ethan cast his eyes downward.

"I was willing to go through all this movie star crap, even though I know you belong in theater. And I didn't ask for any of it. All of my problems in L.A. have stemmed from you—Becca, Roadkill, Althea, the media. Everything."

"Kelsey," he said evenly, the rage in his voice calmed to a simmering anger. "If I can't make you happy now, I never can."

Kelsey licked her lips. "What are you saying?"

"That I can't protect you from all this. I want you to be safe and happy, even if that means that I don't fit in the picture."

Kelsey lifted her chin. "What?"

"I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish you could fix me. But this is all I have."

Kelsey shook her head and stepped backwards. He couldn't be breaking up with her. Not now. Not here.

"Where are you going?"

Kelsey choked out her words. "I can't stay here anymore. I need some air."

Before Ethan could respond, she turned and retreated into the crowd, feeling like everyone's eyes were drilling holes into her back.

She kept her head high and her dignity intact. She found the exit and pushed the door open.

She waved to the limo driver and climbed into the back seat.

It was the most agonizing ten minutes of her life.

She sat rigidly upright, trying not to think about what happened.

Just a few more minutes.

Becca's house came into view and Kelsey stepped out of the limo.

She watched it disappear down the driveway before getting into her own car.

She sat in the driver's seat and held the steering wheel.

She stared at Becca's front porch for a moment before melting into sobs.

All the stress from the premier, the meeting with Althea, and her and Ethan's fight came out in a flood.

How could she even begin to process it all?

Everything was a disaster. Everything.

She'd made an idiot of herself on the carpet.

She'd made an idiot of herself in front of Althea.

And Ethan.

Kelsey took in a trembling breath before exhaling another sob. She rested her head against the steering wheel and let the tears drip down her nose and land onto the shiny fabric of her dress.

How could he be so callous?

How could he break her heart after Althea had shattered his?

Did she want to lose him?

Kelsey sat up and wiped her face, smearing makeup across her cheek.

All she wanted was to go home. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

She pulled out of Becca's driveway, feeling weak and defeated.

Ethan's words cut her deep.

Had she been too naïve? Was she trying to fix Ethan instead of helping him?

Her phone buzzed in her purse and Kelsey picked it up. Her mom's name lit up the screen.

With a bitter scoff, she threw it on the floor. She didn't need to be reminded of another person who'd let her down.

The landscape passed by quickly, and Kelsey didn't bother going the speed limit.

Her blood raced with anger and sadness and loneliness.

She felt as desolate as the desert around her.

She'd been willing to go through hell for Ethan, and she felt like she had. But without him, who did she have? Those moments together couldn't have been in vain. She loved him.

As mad as she was at Ethan, she couldn't help but notice how much he truly wanted to make her happy.

But what she didn't notice was the deer crossing the road in front of her.

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