Chapter 11

Coming To The Clear Realization That I'm An Asshole Of The Highest Order

War

What the actual fuck?

I turn and walk back in to the clubhouse, sitting at the table, in the same chair Shea sat in, I need to feel close to her, and this is as close as I'm going to get. I hear Rider, Stoner and Hack come back in and stand by Dev.

Looking at the guys, I try to address the elephant in the room.

"What the fucks going on here? Why is Shea busted to hell, where are Rocky and Jax, and why is Rock driving Rockys car? What the fuck am I missing here?"

I shake my head, trying to make sense of the last 30 minutes.

The guys, my brothers, are looking at me with unveiled contempt. Just staring at me with furious eyes.

Finally Dev speaks.

"Did you listen to the phone message that Shea left for you a few months ago? Did you happen to read the text that she sent? Fuck you if you read them and didn't show up. Fuck you if you didn't read them, the reality is either way, you didn't show up. Just fuck you War. Sign the divorce papers, give them to me, take the money and Get. The. Fuck. Out. We're over your selfish shit. We'll take care of Shea and the kids now, just like we have from the moment you left asshole. Go fuck off, run away little man, run the fuck away."

With that pronouncement, he stands up, throws his chair back, and leaves the room. A few seconds later I hear his office door slam shut.

I pull out my phone, smile at the background picture I've had for the past 6 years. A picture of Shea, at her 18th birthday, her head thrown back in laughter. For me, this picture has always been the definitive example of Shea, joy, beauty, grace and love. Pulling up first the voicemail, my stomach drops as I listen to her heartbreak. Then reading the text message, I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

Oh Fuck.

In what fucking world do all those good people die? Leave behind their kids and Shea. Those four people were the best fucking parents I've ever seen. They loved their kids and each other, totally, completely and passionately.

I watched Rocky and Jax raise Shea from the time she was 14 years old, and they'd been doing it since she was 9. I honestly modeled a lot of my best behavior from those two men, they were truly some of the greatest guys I've ever known. I knew that when Shea and I started our family, I was gonna be a dad like Rocky and Jax.

Well that parenting ship fucking sailed. Sailed or I blew it up with dynamite, doesn't matter, my dream of parenthood is over. Only person I'd ever have kids with is Shea, and it's fucking clear as glass that she's over my shit.

Sheas voice on the message she left me was gut wrenching. She sounded broken, telling me how she'd lost her family. I don't think she realized it, but when she left the message, she said "My parents died, they're gone now." She didn't say my brothers and their wives, she called them her parents. My poor fuckin brokenhearted girl.

She said that she and the kids needed me, she begged me to come home to them. She said how much she loved and missed me, that she needed to be a whole person to take care of the kids and she wasn't whole without me.

I hadn't listened to the voicemail.

I didn't read her text.

I didn't show up to the funeral.

No wonder she, the kids and the brothers hate me. Join the fucking club, I've hated me for the past 2 ½ years.

I need to sign these papers, sign over the checks to her, let them all start life fresh, without me dirtying up everything. I look at the divorce papers, I look at the pen. I know I told her to move on, but fuck, I guess I didn't really think it was going to happen. I mean fuck, I sure as hell never moved on. I've lived every second since I've been gone with Shea in my heart and every thought in my loser head.

But now I'm sitting here, a stranger in my old clubhouse, a stranger in my life and mind, and I'm staring at some papers that say "Dissolution of Marriage". I try to move my hand to the pen, but my hand stays on the side of my head, gripping my hair, my elbows on the table, my head in my hands.

I don't know how long I've been sitting at the table, but I realize that Dev is now sitting across from me. He pounds his fist on the table, glares at me and quietly orders me,

"Sign the papers Warner. Do the right thing here. The girl can't take any more of your shit. She was getting better and having fun before the accident, and now she's got those four kids counting on her, she's got them to take care of, don't pull her down.  You let her go a couple of years ago, you moved on and kept living, now's your chance to do the right thing and let her restart her life. Sign it now."

He pushes the papers hard against me, throws the pen at my face, I don't try to catch it. It bounces off my cheek and rolls to the floor.

Looking him in the eye, I start to talk, kind of responding to what he just said, but also just rambling my feelings and thoughts.

"I never let her go Dev. I never moved on. I've carried her in my heart and mind since the moment I met her, she's always been everything in my world, and that didn't change when I left here. I fucked her over so badly with that bitch Mandi, fucking hurt her, made her lose our baby, broke her arm, and I even fucked that bitch. Fucked Mandi in the bed I'd shared with my wife. The last pussy my dick sank into was that bitch Mandis. Not my beautiful wife, but the cunt that helped me to destroy my life."

"I fuckin saw something was off with Shea when she got here, and what did I do? Tried to act tough like I wasn't dying inside while looking at her, and I told her she looked like shit. Fuck. She looks more beautiful than I've ever seen her. When she walked through that door, I swear, my heart beat for the first time in over 2 years.  I sat back down in this chair, because this was the chair she sat in, and it's as fucking close to her as I can fucking get right now. How the fuck can I do the right thing and sign these papers? I see her again and I can't leave her. I need her. I need to fix what I broke, to help her, to touch her and hold her. I fucking need her to breathe. I need her if I'm going to fucking live."

Dev shakes his head, mumbling and cussing.

"I don't really care what you need to live. Don't know why you did what you did. Told you not to leave her when this all went down. We all fucking told you to stay. Why didn't you listen to us? The girl was dealt a shit hand in life, first with two abusive, useless, shitty parents, then losing you, now losing her family. What the fuck you gonna do Warner? No waffling, no changing your mind. You gonna sign and go? Do it now, and be gone. Never return here. Your job as Nomad will NEVER require you to ever return to Crestline. You're as good as dead to us."

"You want to stay, fight for your woman? Then stay, but you'll be working your ass off for a long time before anyone here ever trusts you again, fuck, I doubt anyone here will ever trust you.  I can honestly say, that if you choose to stay, and then later decide to fuck off and leave? We'll fuckin hunt you down, and we'll kill you man. So there are your choices, whatever you decide. But know that it's permanent."

"Also, there's no fuckin guarantee that she'll let you back in. We all sat at that funeral, you know the one where she buried her whole fuckin family. She took care of the kids, comforted and loved them, dried their tears and kissed their faces, but her eyes were on the door. She honestly fucking thought you wouldn't let her down again, that you'd show up. Well we all know how that story ends, don't we Warner?"

Drawing my eyes up from the papers in front of me, to look Dev in the eyes I start to explain,

"I stopped listening to her voice mails almost two years ago. It hurt too much to hear the tears and pain in her voice. I stopped reading the texts about a year ago, same reason, couldn't stomach her pain. If I'd known they were gone, I swear I would've been here. I didn't know."

Dev snorts, his anger rolling off in waves.

"Fucking pussy! You fucking gut her by leaving, fucking abandon her! Then can't stomach hearing the pain she's going through? I thought you were more of a man than that Warner! I know for fucking sure the club and I raised you better than that! You came here as a fucking hungry and lost kid. The men here and I took you in, we raised you to fucking be a man. When bad things happened you took your shame and ran, like a little rat. You need to go. I don't think you'll ever be man enough for Shea and the kids. Sign the papers and go, dude.  You're a fuckin pussy, sign the papers bitch, just go, we're so over and past your shit."

Closing my eyes and shaking my head, I keep telling him no.

"No man, I can't do it. I fucking can't leave again. I know I blew it, I know I should have stayed and fixed everything. Fuck! You guys all fuckin told me to come back, and I was fuckin scared to see her sad and broken face, so I stayed hidden. Damn, the last conversation I had with Rocky and Jax they were tearing into me about how I needed to come home to my family, take care of my girl, that she was lost and drifting away from her life. God, why didn't I listen to them? Rockys last words to me were "Fuck you War, fuck you if you can't man up!"

Dev shakes his head and lets out a deep breath.

"You blew it. They believed in you, at first they kept telling Shea that you'd be back, that you'd come back to her. Jax was so pissed at you, he told me you made them liars. They told her you'd return, and after awhile they felt that they were lying to her. About a year ago, they told her it was time to stop waiting for you. They wanted her to leave you in the past. She told them she would when she felt in her heart there was no hope left. Guess that time came for her. She asked me a couple of months ago to help list the house and sell everything the two of you ever owned together, she didn't want to keep a single thing, not a bed, not a couch, not even a god damn fork, she wants all traces of you gone. She also needed help to get all the legal stuff together. I thought about giving you a heads up, but you didn't fucking deserve it. Sign the papers, let her move on. That girl deserves a man who will love and fight for her, and believe me, there have been more than a few men in the past few years ready to step up for our Shea.  She needs and wants a man who will stand by her when life sucks and she needs him. A man that will stand by her and show her what an amazing woman she is. She deserves the best love has to offer, and you're just not that man."

My head drops back, I pound my fists into my thighs, a rage flows through my blood in lightning speed.

"Fuck no. Fucking no! I'm not bailing on her again. I'm fucking staying and I'm gonna fucking fix this. If she never lets me in again, then at least I know I deserve it. But I'm gonna be here for her and the kids. I keep making shitty decisions when I know in my heart they're the wrong choices. The past couple of years I had one moment where I had happiness, one time where I KNEW I was doing the right thing. Do you know when that was Dev? Do you know what gave me a couple hours of happiness in the past 2 ½ years?"

Dev levels his gaze at me, breathing steady and calmly, his voice is like ice.

"Yeah Warner, I think I know. Rocky, Jax and I all know what you did. I'm sure that Rider, Hack and Stoner all clued in to it as well, but I never discussed it with them to be sure. But yeah, I know."

I smile at him, a fucking evil and sick smile, and begin to share, for the first time, about the last time I saw bitch cunt Mandi.