Chapter 5

My Emotional Desert, Welcome To The War And Shea Show

One Month Later

Shea

For the most part I'm handling everything. Physically I feel completely recovered. I no longer get dizzy, I don't have cramps, I can even handle the lingering sadness of having lost the baby.

The doctor said the miscarriage could have been caused by many different factors, stress, illness, but was most probably because the fetus wasn't healthy. He said a large number of first term pregnancies end in miscarriage. Often the women didn't even know they were pregnant, just thought they were having a heavy or late period.

If I hadn't ended up in the hospital, I would have thought I was having a late and heavy period. I had no idea that I was pregnant. I've had alcohol and coffee the past 2 months. The doctor said that in no way contributed to the miscarriage unless I was drinking huge amounts of either alcohol or coffee, which I wasn't.

So I'm processing the loss, I'm handling it, I'm getting better. What I'm not handling very well is my husband. War is totally off right now, he's pulled away from me emotionally. I mean he's here physically, he's helping take care of me. He was with me the entire time in the hospital. But I feel like he isn't with me. Physically he's present, emotionally he's far and away.

I'm fairly certain he blames himself for the miscarriage. The moment the doctor mentioned stress as a possible cause, I saw in his eyes that he immediately took that as the reason.  He didn't hear reason, the doctor, me, or anyone else, he blamed himself for our loss.

We've all tried to talk to him, tell him that wasn't the cause, but he isn't listening to us. I think he's so angry with himself for the whole Mandi debacle that he's latching on to this as his punishment.  What he's missing though, in that punishing himself, he's also punishing me.  He's my husband, my everything, and he's left me out in the emotional cold while he suffers silently.

He's drinking more, he's spending more time at the clubhouse. I'm feeling him drift away from me more and more every day.  Kind of like when Mandi was trying to get involved with him. I don't think he's with her, I know he hates her, but it's the same feeling I had then. I've smelled pot on his clothes almost every day when he comes home from work. I never really noticed or cared when he smoked before. He didn't do it often, and it never worried me. But ever since his revelations of using drugs with some of the guys, it worries me. Is he using again? Is the pot increasing because he doesn't want to use the other drugs? I mean if he's using more pot and more alcohol, maybe he's going back to the other drugs too?  Where we used to have totally open communication, now we have polite conversation, pretty much zero emotional depth, and that is all because War is closing himself off.

Walking into the club house, I can see it's going to be a wild night, the music is pumping, people are dancing, and I can already see that Hack is getting a BJ from one of the club girls. Hearing War laugh from the bar is like music to my ears, maybe my boy is back and feeling more like himself!

Meeting him at the bar, he's smiling and happy, looks like he's had quite a few drinks, but he's so sweet right now. Kissing me all over, running his hands up and down my body, I'm so ready to get back to us. I'm choosing to overlook the glazed look in his eyes, and concentrate on the physical presence and comfort being in his arms gives me.

Sex has always been a super strong part of our life. I was a virgin when we got together, obviously War wasn't. But we experimented, he taught me things, hell, I taught him things. We just had fun, we have fun with sex. Between his experience, books, and girlfriends sharing good information, we're strong on the sex front.

So him pulling back the past few weeks hurts in a deep way, even when we're upset with each other, we still have our language of touch, and his touch lately has been, comforting, distant, not passionate and wild.  God, I miss this so much!

My brothers seem to be rather concerned with him right now though, I guess they don't want to see their sister mauled in the club, can't blame them for that! Rocky tells me to go get Kayla while he talks to War, looking around for her I see her with Suze and some of the other girls.

As I walk away, War grabs my ass and squeezes it hard, "Hurry back Shea baby, I fuckin love you girl!".  I smile, glancing back I see the dopey, not quite right smile on Wars face, and the harsh and concerned look on Rockys.

The girls are huddled together talking seriously about something, when I pull up they get quiet and grab me. Now I've lost the happy buzz that War got going and I feel a pit of dread building.

Suze starts in, holding my hands and Kay wraps her arm around me.

"Don't freak out Shea, but we saw Mandi talking with War earlier. They were huddled over at the bar, she was real close to him, and he looked like he was pushing her off and away from him. We couldn't see or hear them, but it looked like she was selling and he wasn't buying. I'm sure she'll try to spin it differently, but that's what we saw."

I bite my lip and close my eyes, breathing in deeply and holding it, before I let it out and breathe in again. When is this girl going to be out of my life?

"Thanks you guys, I appreciate it. If you hadn't told me, I'd probably have flipped out. I love you girls. I just left War, he's in a super sweet mood totally handsy and loving right now, so I guess he's over whatever she did."

Kay gets serious and begins talking.

"Yeah, about that. Suze and I think he's on whatever drug he had the night that Mandi made that video. He's acting the exact same way. The guys were trying to keep him corralled, and away from Bitch face Mandi".

I whip my head around and look at War at the bar. He's in a flying high mood, laughing and weirdly touchy with my brothers. The odd thing is that only War is laughing and happy, my brothers and the other guys look seriously unhappy.

Damnit, I think the girls are right.

"Kay, Rocky sent me over here to get you, let's go back, I want to figure out what's going on with War. When is this going to stop, and we can go back to normal?" I know I'm whining, but I'm so angry and tired of dealing with that girl.

I'm done with her and her crap, I told War and my brothers I didn't want the club to get involved, I just wanted her to give up and go away, but she isn't.  She is still here, still causing drama, so, f it.  Let the club get rid of her, I'm over trying to be the bigger person.

Looking for Rocky and Stoner, I'm crossing the room, when someone bumps into me hard, knocking me back into Kayla who tries to catch me, but I lose my balance and as I'm about to slam onto the floor, my drink goes flying out of my hand. I land hard on my left side, with my arm at a weird angle, the contact with the floor is sharp and hard and painful, radiating up and down my arm and ribs.  Damnit, oh hell, this hurts so bad I'm either going to vomit or pass out, I think I broke my arm. Looking up into the smirking face of Mandi my anger goes from high to sky high.

"What the fuck Shitty Shea, get off of me heifer, you're such a fat clumsy bitch, you can't fucking walk, you can't hold your drink you can't even keep a hold of your fucking baby can you?"

Mandi says this with such venom that I'm stunned. The cruelty in those words takes my breath away.

Kayla shoves Mandi hard, and knocks her to the ground.

"What the fuck did you say you bitch! How the fuck dare you speak to her after all you've done. Get the fuck away from us, or I swear you'll be dead. I'm not dealing with your shit another minute. Get. The fuck. Out!!" Kayla virtually screams the last four words, Suze is holding me and trying to comfort me, I'm not sure if my arm or my heart hurts more, I'm so shocked I'm speechless.

Rocky and Jax are with us, there's a crowd of people, my mind is buzzing, and I can't get it off the words she said. I know the miscarriage wasn't my fault, but damn, those words really hurt, and there's a small part of me that grasps on to her poisoned message.

I wince as Rocky pulls me towards a table.

"Ouch Rocky, I hurt my arm, I think it might be broken, where's War?" I'm trying not to cry, but honestly, it's just a waiting game now, and yep, the tears are coming.

"Fuck, Jax, call Doc, her arm is obviously broken. Someone bring me some ice, it's bleeding and already started swelling. Kayla, you and Suze get her stuff, tell Doc to meet us at the hospital, she needs x-rays, stitches, and to get it set.  Jesus, she's gonna need some pain meds."

I look down at my arm, I can see a bone sticking out of the skin, there's blood pooling around it, and I watch it drip onto the floor, forming a bloody pool.  In a huge mistake, I try to position the bone back where it should be, I try to move it and feel a blinding flash of pain, and everything goes black.