Heart of My Monster: Chapter 20

I never thought I’d say this, but the past few days were possibly the happiest of my life.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for the overwhelming emotions I’ve had since Kirill’s family came to celebrate the holidays with us.

Well, minus Yulia. And I’m thankful for that because she’s been glaring at me nonstop ever since I came back.

On Christmas day, I asked many of the guards I’ve spent years with to join us for dinner.

Kirill definitely didn’t like that turn of events and he expressed his displeasure in the form of glares, but I made it up to him in the shower that night.

He definitely enjoyed that, so I’d say the mission was a success.

Over the time we’ve been spending here, I’ve grown to like this new side of Kirill. He’s still the same infuriating man I first met in the army, but he feels closer now. More real. Touchable.

But this sense of comfort is, as I suspected, ending soon.

I know that Uncle and Babushka will always want to kill him. Aside from wanting to gain Anton’s freedom, I don’t know if I share any goals with them anymore.

But then again, how can I save Anton without risking Kirill’s life?

Whenever I think about it, my head hurts, which is why I choose to only focus on the now.

For as long as the now lasts. Be it a few days or months. I don’t care as long as I’m in this dream-like state.

It’ll hurt like a mother on the day when I finally wake up, but that day isn’t today.

Something much more stressful is happening today.

“Maybe I’ll come back another time,” I murmur, even though it’s only the two of us in the sterile white room.

Kristina clasps my hand in hers and smiles. “Today is as good as any.”

If a month ago, someone told me that I’d be holding hands with Kristina and sitting on an OB-GYN’s table, I would’ve called them fools.

But here we are.

It started when I got an upset stomach after lunch. Kirill was extra and said he’d take me to the emergency room, but Kristina said she’d take care of it.

She asked some weird questions about emotional reactions and body changes, then told me I could be pregnant.

Of course I laughed and completely denied it, but then I remembered that I’d missed the renewal of the shot during that time Kirill locked me up in the basement.

I only thought about it afterward since I was under a different type of stress at the time—which Kristina ironically participated in. Even unknowingly. After I went back to Russia, I thought it was pointless to renew it since I planned to be celibate indefinitely.

She said if I find myself more emotional or hornier than normal, then it could be the pregnancy hormones. I only came here to prove her wrong. That’s all.

So what if I’ve been abnormal lately? That doesn’t mean I’m pregnant.

Yes, I came with Kristina instead of Kirill because I don’t want him to catch a whiff of this whole situation until I make sense of it.

He narrowed his eyes at the idea of Kristina and me together, but he let it go when we were running an errand. Then we had to convince Konstantin to actually leave her side for once. A test could’ve sufficed, but I thought it’s better to see a doctor straight away. Besides, I’m really starting to believe this crazy theory. At least that way, many things will have an actual explanation.

Waiting for the results of the urine test makes my limbs fidgety.

The door opens and a young short-haired doctor comes inside with a huge grin on her face.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Is it possible to run away now—

“Congratulations,” she announces. “You’re pregnant.”

The doctor is saying something about regular checkups and a few other things that I should’ve done in the first trimester, but I’m not listening.

My heart beats so loud, I think it’ll jump out of my throat.

A part of me is inexplicably happy. Overwhelmed, yes, but the thought of being a mother has always fascinated me.

However, the other part, the one that’s logical and grounded, knows that this will complicate things big time.

Kirill will never let me go if he finds out.

He’ll use the baby to possess me even worse than he’s been doing during the past few weeks. He’ll force my hand so I’ll stay.

He’ll suffocate me to death.

That thought makes me want to vomit, which is ironic since I’ve never had morning sickness, despite being pregnant for months.

Shit.

The reality dawns on me with creepy speed and I listen to the doctor’s words. Apparently, not all women have bumps this early, which explains why my stomach is somewhat flat. I thought I was gaining some weight, but apparently that’s the result of the pregnancy.

He’s such a little fighter, this baby. Not only did he survive that bombing, but also the shit ton of physical activities I’ve put my body through. Not to mention the stress, the traveling, and the crushing heartache.

The doctor asks me if I want to do an ultrasound and possibly find out the gender of the baby. After I agree, a technician comes along. The moment I see the moving bundle of black and white on the screen, all my thoughts quiet down.

My lips part as I watch the fetus moving and hear the booming heartbeat.

“You’re fifteen weeks pregnant,” the doctor says with a smile. “He looks healthy,”

“H-he?” I look at her. “How do you know?”

She points at a dark spot in the middle. “That’s why he’s a he.”

“Aww.” Kristina smiles. “Congrats, Sasha. I can’t wait to find out the gender of my baby.”

I keep watching the screen, moisture gathering in my eyes. I think I might be getting emotional or something.

Because I really want to hold this baby in my arms. I thought I had no purpose after revenge, but maybe this is fate telling me that I most definitely do.

After looking at the ultrasound image for an eternity, I slip it in the back of my jeans and ask Kristina to hide the prenatal vitamins the doctor gave me in her bag.

Before we leave, I clutch her arm. “Don’t tell Kirill or Konstantin, or even Karina. Actually, don’t tell anyone.”

Her brow furrows. “Why?”

“It’s complicated. I need to sort a few things out before I tell Kirill.”

“Okay.”

“Really?”

“Sure. It’s your good news to share anyway.”

“Thanks, Kristina.”

“You’re welcome. I’m happy to have someone to share a pregnancy with.” Her expression falls. “I tried being close to Yulia, but I don’t think she likes me.”

“She doesn’t like anyone but Konstantin.”

“I know, which is why I tried to do my duty as the daughter-in-law, but she’s never approved of me.”

“Ignore her like I do. She’s not worth your effort.”

“Thanks. We can go to these pregnancy classes together…if you don’t hate me, of course.”

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because of the engagement?”

“Oh. That. Don’t worry about it. That whole thing is all in the past.”

“Thank you for saying that. If it’s any consolation, Kirill never even liked me. You’re the only woman he looks at as if he’s terrified of breathing without her.”

I laugh. “You’re exaggerating.”

“You weren’t there when he thought you’d died. He visited your supposed grave every day and got drunk until he passed out. He barely functioned without you and only came back to life after you returned.”

I gulp, my heart hammering fast as if it was never stomped upon and torn to shreds. This better be just the hormones.

It has to be.

“I’ll be waiting here.”

I stare back at Viktor, who accompanied me to visit my brother today.

New Year’s came and went, and Kirill was under the obligation to go back to his duties. So we all returned to New York.

Since he has an important meeting with the other leaders, he assigned Viktor to drive me here. Let’s just say the ride with him wasn’t as bad as I expected. We simply ignored each other.

When we arrived at the annexed room, he opened it with his thumbprint and told me to go inside.

He probably wants to stay outside in case I try something and help Anton escape.

I carefully take the few steps down. I stopped training and have only been doing pregnancy-approved sports. Kirill kept asking why we’re not having our morning duels anymore, but he stopped after I told him that I don’t want to hurt him either.

He said that I’m not fighting anyone but him and I agreed, which he narrowed his eyes at. I know he’s suspicious, but I’m not sure about what exactly.

However, that’s a thought for another day.

My priority right now is the little boy I’m carrying. I wasn’t able to take care of him in the first trimester, so I’ll do it properly now.

My stomach is starting to show a bump, and he’ll definitely notice it soon, considering all the fucking he treats like a religion.

Problem is, I’m not sure how the hell to approach him about this.

I can’t tell him until I figure out what to do about this entire situation, namely my family.

My feet come to a halt at the bottom of the few stairs.

What the…?

I have to blink to make sure the scene in front of me is real and not a hallucination.

In the corner of the room where Anton usually meditates on the bed, something entirely different is happening.

My brother and my friend are sleeping, arms wrapped around each other’s waists and foreheads connected.

And they’re naked.

Or at least, their upper halves and their legs are. I’m glad there’s a sheet thrown over their intimate parts.

I must make some sort of a noise, because Maks jumps up in one swift movement. Anton follows right after and I turn my head in time to not see them entirely naked.

“Fuck” and “Shit” echo behind me, followed by groans and fumbling of clothes. I slam my eyes shut, even though I’m turned away. I don’t want to risk accidentally witnessing their nudity and traumatizing myself for life.

“What are you doing here?” Maks asks with a note of frustration. “Boss didn’t tell me you were coming.”

Is that what Kirill used to do? Inform him of our visits?

“Maybe he forgot. Also, Viktor is the one who brought me here.”

A hand touches my arm and I slowly open my eyes. “You guys decent?”

“Yes,” both say at the same time, Anton sounding more frustrated than Maks.

The latter is the one who touched my arm. He rubs the back of his head, looking flustered for the first time ever. For a moment, he appears lost for words before he points at the entrance with his thumb. “I’m just going to talk to Viktor.”

He casts a fleeting glance at Anton, who looks back momentarily before my friend leaves, and I hear the door closing behind him.

My brother is sitting on the bed, his head lowered and his shoulders tense. I slowly approach him, then sit beside him. “Is there something I need to know?”

“If I say no, would you leave it alone?”

“Probably not.”

He groans and runs his fingers through his hair. His face looked so peaceful earlier, but now, a war rages in the depths of his soul and spills outside his body in droves.

“Tosha…” I touch his arm. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“That didn’t look like nothing just now.”

“I don’t know what the hell it is. I know nothing at this point. Everything is fucking complicated.”

I squeeze his shoulder. “I’ve never related to you in my life like I do right now.”

His eyes meet mine, slowly calming down. “On which part?”

“The fact that everything is complicated and that nothing makes sense anymore.”

Silence stretches between us for several moments before we sigh at the same time.

I chuckle at that and Anton offers a hesitant smile back.

“What the fuck are we even doing?” he asks in a whisper, more to himself than anyone else.

“I have no clue,” I reply anyway.

“We can’t go on like this. We have the deaths of our family members strapped to our shoulders.”

I have no clue if he’s trying to convince me or himself at this point.

“I know,” I say.

“Have you figured out a way to get me out of here, or are you now comfortable staying as Kirill’s wife?”

“Even if I were comfortable, I don’t like the fact that you’re locked up.”

“But?”

“I don’t want you to hurt Kirill.”

“Fuck, Sasha. You’re falling into the same trap all over again.”

“No, I’m not. Kirill never planned to marry another woman or kill me. Besides, I don’t believe he’s involved with our family’s death.”

“So you trust him now?”

“On that front, yes.” I just don’t trust that he might use me as a pawn in his upcoming manipulation games.

“You were always loyal to a fault.” He sighs. “Whether to the family, the men you served with and especially Kirill. Now I get why Papa wanted to preserve your sickeningly naïve nature and why Mama babied and fawned all over you. They didn’t want you exposed to the real world.”

“I’m thankful, but I don’t think it did me any good afterwards.”

“Believe me, it did. At least you didn’t turn into a monster.”

“You’re not a monster either, Tosha.”

He grumbles a reply then exhales deeply. “You’re at a crossroad now.”

“Well, aren’t you, too?”

“That’s…different.”

“Yeah, right. I’m not even sure if you’re lying to me or yourself at this point. There’s no black or white in this world. It’s just impossible to keep to the extremes.”

“What are you suggesting then?”

“Can’t…can’t we rectify this situation and also have something for ourselves? Just once?”

“I’m not sure if that’s possible.”

“But why?” My voice breaks and my lips tremble.

It’s Anton who squeezes my shoulder this time. “People like us don’t deserve happiness, Sasha. The concept was ripped from us that day, never to return.”

I shake my head.

I refuse to believe that we have no life after this.

Anton might have already chosen the path he’ll go down, but I haven’t.

I still have time to figure out what to do and how to end this ill fate once and for all.

For the sake of my child.

For my sake.