Heart of My Monster: Chapter 27

A nightmare startles me awake.

I don’t know what it’s about. All I remember is floundering, gasping, and choking in a pool of blood.

“Sasha?”

I blink the moisture from my lids, and my breathing returns to normal as I meet Karina’s bloodshot eyes. Anna stands beside her, a compassionate look covering her usually stern features.

Alarms blaze in my head, and I start to sit up. The IV tube digs into my arm, and Anna helps me straighten.

I stare down at the hospital gown and recall the blood between my legs.

Memories attack me all at once. Being strapped to the chair helplessly as Kirill got—

“Where’s Kirill?” I blurt.

“With Kosta,” Karina replies. “He said Yulia tried to kill him, so Kosta pushed her away, and Kirill shot her. She’s in the ICU.”

Oh. A sense of relief grips hold of me and I release a long breath. I was so certain he’d definitely been shot this time.

The door opens and Kristina walks inside. She smiles upon seeing me, even though her face is pale and tired.

“Sasha, you’re awake. Thank God.”

“Is…” I study all their faces. “Is my baby okay?”

“Yes, yes.” Kristina clutches my hand. “You had a little complication, but you protected him. The doctor said you need a lot of rest, though.”

My chest deflates and tears fill my eyes as I place a palm on my stomach. When I saw the blood earlier, I thought that I’d lost him for sure.

Both of them. My husband and our son.

“Does…Kirill know?”

“About the pregnancy?” Karina asks. “Of course. He was the one who brought you here and threatened to kill everyone in the hospital if they didn’t save you.”

“How did he take the news of the pregnancy?” I feel awful that I didn’t get to tell him myself. Worse, I wasn’t even there to see how he reacted.

All my reasons for hiding it from him have vanished now. So what if he uses this to keep me by his side? That’s exactly what I want.

“It wasn’t clear,” Anna says in a motherly tone. “He seemed more concerned about your safety.”

“Oh.”

Doubt starts to niggle at my insides. Maybe I’ve miscalculated this. What makes me think Kirill wants a child? Knowing his parents, he could abhor the family institution.

We’ve never spoken about children before, and he didn’t seem interested when Karina mentioned it the day he locked up his brother.

“Are you okay?” I clutch Karina’s hand. “About Yulia.”

She lifts a shoulder. “I don’t give a fuck about that woman. I’m just glad you, Viktor, and my brothers are safe.”

Me, too.

I hope Konstantin thinks the same and doesn’t hold a grudge against Kirill.

My husband might pretend that he’s a lone wolf, but he needs the level of support only Konstantin can provide him.

My stomach churns at the idea of seeing him and talking to him about the pregnancy. What am I supposed to say? Should I say anything?

Everything is muddy right now, and I can’t seem to concentrate on one thought for too long.

At the same time, I can’t stop thinking about Kirill. Am I a bit disappointed that he’s not by my side? Yes. But I also know why he needs to be with Konstantin after he shot his mother.

At any rate, I need to find him. But before I can do that, the doctor comes to check on me and tells me that both the baby and I are safe. However, I need to rest for a few weeks to avoid putting any more strain on my condition.

No physical activities aside from walking. No rough sex—that bit got me frustrated. No journeys that extend over an hour. No flying either.

After she leaves, I stand up and put on a fuzzy robe that Karina brought for me. As Anna helps me tie the belt, I ask, “Oh, by the way, did any of you see my brother?”

Karina’s face pales.

My heart nearly drops to my feet. I think I remember Uncle Albert shooting, but Anton also had a gun. He couldn’t have hurt him, right?

“What is it?” My voice shakes. “Is he okay?”

“Yes, don’t worry.” Kristina pats my shoulder. “He’s safe.”

“Why do I sense there’s a but there?”

“Maks saved him and got shot instead. He’s also in the ICU,” Karina blurts, tears brimming her lids.

Oh, God.

No.

I don’t know how I get the energy, but I’m already wheeling the IV drip and storming out of the room.

I don’t listen to them calling my name or asking me to be careful.

My whole body feels like it’s on fire as I take the elevator to the ICU. Then all my chaotic emotions come to a halt when I arrive near the waiting area.

A bulky mass of muscles sits on one of the chairs, blood soaking his neck, hands, and shirt as he holds his head in his palms.

I slowly approach my brother, my heart thundering so loud, I’m scared it’ll bust out. Once I’m in front of him, I carefully touch his shoulder.

Anton lifts his head, and for the first time in our lives, I see tears clinging to his eyes.

“Malyshka…” he whispers in a low tone, and I just hug him to my chest.

His arms wrap around my middle, and his whole body shakes against me.

“I’m so sorry, Tosha.”

“I could’ve killed Uncle Albert in that moment, but I hesitated and only killed him when it was too late. I’m the reason Maks threw himself in front of me. He didn’t hesitate, Sasha…he just offered his life for mine without even thinking.”

“That’s because he loves you, Tosha. And I know you love him, too.”

“What if…what if I lose him, Sasha…? What am I supposed to do then?” I can feel the anguish and pain emanating from my brother in waves.

I have to stop myself from giving in to the dooming thoughts, but I can’t control it as we both shake.

“You won’t.” I pull back and stroke his hair. “Maks is a fighter and won’t die just like that.”

“He…lost a lot of blood.”

“That still won’t kill him. He’s Maks, remember?”

“He’s Maks,” he repeats in a less assured tone.

I hug him again, and we remain like that for what seems like an hour before the doctor comes along.

My brother staggers to his feet and nearly hits the wall when the doctor says that Maks is stable.

I squeeze his arm, smiling through my unshed tears. “I told you.”

He smiles in return, his expression easing before it sobers. “Remember when you said I needed to have something for myself?”

I nod.

“I will.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You were right, Sasha. Maks is more important than duty.”

I grin like an idiot. What? I’m their number one supporter.

“What do you plan to do?”

“Once he’s okay, I’m leaving this life and starting anew. Now that Babushka and Uncle Albert are gone, I’ll raise Mike and clear up the mess our family made in Russia.”

“Do you know where they left Mike?”

“Back in Saint Petersburg with a nanny. I told her to fly him here for now, so they’re on their way.”

“I can raise him, Tosha. I love Mishka to death, and you were never good with children.”

“No, I will. Mike and I need each other. Besides, you have your own son to worry about.”

“Mishka is not a burden. We can share his custody until I think you can take care of him properly.” I pause. “How did you and Maks end up there anyway?”

“Kirill let me go. He came earlier that day and said that he had evidence he wanted me to see personally.”

Right.

Everything is part of an elaborate plan for Kirill. He made Anton and me see our uncle’s true colors and did the same with Konstantin and Yulia.

Although I doubt he calculated all the shoot-outs that happened. At least, I hope he didn’t.

“Do you…know where he is?” I ask my brother.

“Probably the next ward.”

“I’ll come back, okay?”

“No need to. I’m going to go clean up and visit Maks.”

“I will come back,” I repeat, then give him a quick hug.

After I make sure he can stand straight, I wheel the IV drip to the other section of the ICU.

Sure enough, Kirill is sitting opposite the vending machine. Legs apart, his jacket thrown over the back of the seat, and his face closed off.

It looks cold under the bright lights, and I don’t know why that makes me hide around the corner.

He adjusts his glasses with his middle finger as Konstantin grabs two cups of instant coffee and then joins him.

The brothers sit shoulder to shoulder, silently sipping their coffee.

“This stuff tastes like recycled urine,” Kirill grumbles as he takes another sip.

“I have too many questions, but the most important are: one, how do you know what recycled urine tastes like? Two, is urine even recyclable?”

“A hunch for the first. Yes, for the second.” Kirill clutches the cup with both hands and steals a glance at his brother. “Are we not going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

“You drinking instant coffee?”

“Yulia being in a coma because of me.”

Konstantin exhales deeply, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I won’t apologize for putting her right where she belongs, but I know your feelings toward her are different from mine.”

His brother pauses, and I hold my breath until he releases a sigh.

“You know, I’ve thought long and hard about this, but I always come to the same conclusion. If you didn’t shoot her, she would’ve shot you.” He stares at Kirill. “I prefer this outcome much more than the alternative. I’m glad you’re the one sitting beside me right now.”

Konstantin probably didn’t notice it, but Kirill’s chest expanded with relief just now. Even if his face still looks like the same unperturbed cold entity.

In a fraction of a second, that emotionless gaze zeroes in on me. Although I’m half hiding behind the wall, he sees me immediately.

I don’t know why I feel the need to run.

My legs, however, don’t move.

Kirill stands and squeezes Konstantin’s shoulder. “I’ll be back.”

He abandons the cup of coffee in the nearest trash can and strides toward me.

Once he stops in front of me, it’s like he’s gained a few inches of height. The dark tattoos peeking out from the collar of his shirt appear monstrous when coupled with his closed-off expression.

“What are you doing here?” His voice is harsh and authoritarian, like in our army days. “You should be resting.”

“I’m…fine. The doctor said I can move around.”

“The doctor also said not to put a strain on your health.”

I swallow. “Is this because I’m pregnant? Are you concerned about your son’s life?”

“I’m concerned about your life, damn it.” His eyes blaze with flames. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were pregnant? Why did you choose to act suspicious and pull away from me instead?”

Emotions clog my throat, and I hate the feeling of being so vulnerable. So…damn inferior.

“I…didn’t want you to force me to stay because of the baby. I wanted to come to terms with us first.”

“There’s no us anymore since we’re divorcing in a few weeks.”

I jerk as if someone punched me in the gut. My body trembles, and my eyes sting. “You…will divorce me?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted when you came back? You clearly demanded a divorce after three months.”

But that was before I knew everything. Divorce is the last thing I want right now.

Also, I genuinely thought he’d never grant me that, considering how often he reminded me that he wouldn’t let me leave him.

“I…” I trail off, not knowing what to say. “We can…extend that until after I give birth. You know, so he’s not illegitimate.”

“No.”

I reel again. What the hell is with him punching metaphorically today?

“I also don’t want you to stay with me just because of the baby,” he says.

Oh.

“But…you want me to stay?”

“Only if you love me.” He takes my hands in his. “If you don’t, I will pursue you again and for as long as it takes until you fall head over heels for me.”

“Then, the divorce…”

“I was testing you. The word divorce doesn’t exist in my dictionary with you. The day I married you, I promised to be your husband till death do us part, and I intend to keep that promise. I already lost you once, I’ll be damned if I lose you again.”

My throat closes. “Does that mean you love me?”

He caresses my hair in gentle strokes. “I don’t only love you. I’m nothing without you. I don’t know when it started or when it grew into this fiery explosion, but I know for a fact that you’ve become an undivided part of me. You’re the solace I need every night and the light I look forward to every morning. I might have strived for power and prestige, but it took losing you to realize that my universe revolves around you.”

A whole-body shudder grips hold of me, and I’m barely preventing myself from bawling my eyes out.

I’ve always wanted Kirill to tell me I’m special to him. He’s shown it in action plenty of times, and I thought I was okay with that, but deep inside me, I wanted to hear it, too.

The words he just said are more than I ever imagined.

More than I ever wished for.

I place an unsteady palm on his chest. “Does that mean if I ask you to stop being Pakhan, you’ll give up the position for me?”

He catches hold of my hand and kisses my palm. “Today if you want.”

“Really?”

“Whatever my beautiful wife wants.”

“But you worked so hard for it.”

“That position means nothing without you.”

“Oh, Kirill.” I throw myself in his arms. “Of course I won’t ask you to give up your hard-earned power. I’ll stand by your side every step of the way.”

“Does that mean you still love me?”

I pull back and stroke his cheek. “I never stopped, idiot. It’s hard to live without you and impossible to forget you, but I had no choice in loving you.”

“Good. Because I don’t intend to ever let you go.”

“Even if I hate you sometimes?”

“Especially then.”

“Even if I’m difficult?”

“I’m difficult, too.”

“Even if you get tired of me?”

“I’d get tired of the world, but never you, wife.”

“You better not.” I wrap my arms around his neck. “Because I will also never let you go, husband.”

I’m his.

He’s mine.

And neither of us has a say in it.