Heart of My Monster: Chapter 8

My killing spree never stopped.

However, I’ve started to put on the brakes enough to protect my position as the Pakhan. It’s not an easy or a fun place to be when everything else is…empty.

However, this is the throne I’ve worked hard to sit on. I might have lost Sasha, but she was by my side for years to help me get here.

More accurately, all she wanted was to help me. She didn’t care whether I got here or anywhere else as long as she protected and supported me.

I’m the one who vied for this position and hurt her for it with that engagement. I didn’t get the chance to celebrate our marriage properly before she was snatched away.

She’s been gone from my life for fifty-three days, and I still can’t go into my old room.

Avoiding my old room is pointless since I see her in every corner of my house, the garden, and even out in the streets.

She’s fucking everywhere.

It’s impossible to purge her out of my system or find closure.

In fact, I refuse to.

“What do you think, Pakhan?” Vladimir asks from my right, bringing my attention back to the meeting.

It’s one of those weekly ones where everyone in the organization bores me with their nonsense before we vote, and then they go on their way.

After I lost my shit and offended the leader of the Russian mafia in Boston by stepping on his toes with the Albanian issue, things were unsettled here.

Igor was highly displeased with my misconduct, but because his daughter is in my family, he reined it in. Rai asked for a re-election of the Pakhan and was a fucking bitch about it. In fact, she’s been an absolute eyesore ever since she learned about Sasha’s death.

If I die of poisoning, Rai did it.

Vladimir told me that he dislikes me, but I’m the Pakhan now, so I better act like it and keep the organization together.

Adrian threatened to withdraw his support and hang me out to dry if I put everything he’d built in jeopardy.

Mikhail and Damien are the only fans I have. Mikhail—because I gave him back some of the power he’s been losing. Damien—because I’ve been fueling his sadism.

In fact, he goes as far as voting for anything I dish out as long as I keep him ‘busy.’

After Viktor threatened me with his own life—which isn’t something he’s done before—I had to force myself into my current role.

The role I might have unknowingly chosen over Sasha.

It means nothing without her, but if I give it up, all I have left is death.

So I patched things back up with Juan’s cartel and got us a better deal. On the bright side, some organizations asked to be allies after they witnessed how I annihilated the Albanians.

Therefore, Rai can bark but will never be able to bite.

Despite all the shit I stirred up, I’m still the best option the brotherhood has in order to survive.

“I think,” I say in reply to Vladimir’s question. “We should wait it out, take no action against the Irish and see how they’ll react. If they choose violence…”

“I’ll butcher them in their sleep,” Damien finishes for me, rubbing his hands together.

“That.” I jut my chin toward him, and he grins like an evil maniac.

“Can’t we start the war first and see how it goes from there?”

“No,” I say point-blank.

“Come on! Why does no one take my suggestions seriously?”

“Because there’s little to no thought put behind them,” Igor replies, then focuses on me. “I agree with that plan, but we should also try to insert spies.”

“Already done,” I say. “Adrian has his own network within.”

The man in question nods. “We started that about a week ago. If there’s anything suspicious, I’ll report back to the Pakhan.”

“Always one step ahead, eh?” Mikhail smirks.

“I wouldn’t settle for anything else,” I say and then wrap up the meeting.

Most days, I’m too numb to feel anything, but on other days, the cloud is too close. The gloominess suffocates my breathing, my being, and everything I’ve ever strived for.

Some days, I’m hit with the fact that I won’t see her shadowing me and competing with Viktor over who can protect me better.

And then there are the days where I wonder why I’m still breathing when she isn’t.

This is one of those days.

I need all these fucking people out of my face so that I can get drunk at her grave like I do every day. The few hours I sleep against the tree opposite her tombstone is the only sleep I ever get, and even that is riddled with nightmares of her corpse.

Nightmares of her crying, cursing, and hitting me because I chose to be engaged to Kristina—who’s now actually pregnant.

Rai lingers behind, her eyes practically shooting lasers in my direction. Her husband stands beside her, mainly to stop her from getting herself shot. She has a loud mouth that needs to be reined in.

I lean my chin against my fist and conjure a nonchalance I don’t feel. “Is there a reason behind your tedious presence?”

“Just so you know, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Very bold of you to assume I have any fucks to give about your views.”

“How can you be this detached about her death, you fucking asshole!” She lunges at me, probably to punch or slap me, but Kyle holds her by the waist and flings her back.

“Let me go!” She struggles against him. “Someone needs to knock some sense into his thick head!”

“I would, but I’d rather not see you get shot, Princess.”

“At least one of you is smart.” I throw up a dismissive hand. “Get her out of my sight before I lose the little benevolence I have left.”

“It’s your fault Sasha died,” she says calmly, her struggle gone. “She had no enemies, but you do. Hell, you collect them like badges of honor, not giving a shit how that could influence the people on your side. I already said that you weren’t worthy of her and that you should have let her go, but of course, you didn’t do that, and look how that turned out.”

I stand up fast, but Kyle’s reflexes are faster. He all but drags her out of the dining room. “We’re leaving.”

My hand balls into a fist at my side. If I’d touched her, I would’ve snapped her fucking neck. No doubt about it.

Kyle was quick enough to save her from my clutches. Even if temporarily.

I stand there for a second, two…

In one movement, I grab the edges of the table and send everything on top crashing down.

Dishes, glasses, and leftover food splinter and leave stains on the floor, but it does nothing to calm the raging fire inside.

Maybe I should be the one who poisons Rai to shut off her fucking annoying voice forever.

It’s your fault Sasha died.

Those words repeat over and over again, clashing with the ticking sound of the old clock.

Tick.

I’m why she died.

Tock.

If she didn’t know me, she’d be alive.

Tick.

If I’d chosen her, she wouldn’t have been killed.

Tock…

My head seems to short-circuit. Either that, or I’m losing my fucking mind. My body can’t keep up with my spiraling thoughts, and rage shakes through me.

The red type.

The type that needs to spill blood and would still be dissatisfied with it.

I roll the ring on my finger back and forth in a mad rhythm as I storm out of the dining room. I’m glad Viktor isn’t here to nag me like my nonexistent mother. Or that Karina isn’t waiting for me with a knife—she picked up that habit again after the last time she also accused me of being emotionless.

Cold.

Apathetic.

If I were as indifferent as she and Rai claim I am, would I be able to feel choked, no matter how much air I breathe?

Would I need alcohol and her fucking grave to have some semblance of vague rest?

Would I feel her with me? Even now? Walking by my fucking side silently, sadly maybe?

Maybe her ghost is haunting me because I failed to protect her. Though there’s no particular haunting. Just a shake of the head here and a fucking hug there as if she’s putting my pieces back together again so I can survive one more day.

I wish I were as unfeeling as Karina and Rai think. While I generally am, that’s not the case when it comes to Sasha.

Living without her is similar to falling back into that weak, aimless, and absolutely pathetic version of myself.

No. I had a purpose then.

Now, I have fucking nothing.

I snatch a bottle of vodka on my way out. While I don’t like the stuff, Sasha did.

It was her favorite drink on the rare occasion she consumed alcohol. She was a stereotypical Russian who loved her vodka.

Now, it’s my poison of choice.

All the cars that crowded my driveway are now gone, letting my guards breathe a little. I don’t want to seem biased—though I am—but I have the best men.

Adrian and some of his men served time there, too, but there were only a few of them. I was the only one with enough power to take all of my men with me when I left this house. I lost many of them, but the ones who remain are the most disciplined, loyal men any leader could have.

Despite their general depression at losing Sasha, Maksim, and Yuri all at the same time, they’ve been giving one thousand percent under Viktor’s command.

They might be the only reason I’m still hanging on here and not buried six feet under with Sasha. She considered them friends, and I’ll never forgive myself if I let anything happen to them.

If she learned about Maksim, she’d hate me forever.

And Yuri…I don’t know what the fuck happened to him. It’s like the earth split open and swallowed him without leaving a trace.

I thought maybe he went after Maksim, but it’s not his style to disappear without informing me.

He could’ve defected or…I don’t know.

I don’t fucking care at this point.

“Boss!” Viktor comes running in my direction as I head to the car.

I ignore him and open the door. “Not now. I’m done for the day.”

“This is an emergency.”

“I still have no fucks to give.”

He rips my hand from the handle and slams the door shut.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“You need to see this.”

“I swear to fuck—” I halt in my tracks when a very familiar face walks toward us, wearing cargo pants and a disheveled T-shirt. “Maksim.”

He offers a strained smile. “Long time no see, Boss.”

I approach him slowly, as if I’m witnessing another ghost other than Sasha’s persistent one. Short of some healing bruises on his face, he looks exactly like the Maksim I know.

“He got out of a cab in front of the mansion,” Viktor offers. “The guards at the front called to tell me about his arrival.”

“What the fuck happened?” I ask. “Why did you disappear?”

“I was captured after I sent you that initial text, and then they got rid of my communication outlet.”

I narrow my eyes. “How did you get free?”

“One of them helped me.”

“Who are they and them, Maksim?”

“Anton Ivanov and Sasha. Though you probably know Anton as Yuri. He was fucking lying all these years, Boss. Actually, he killed Yuri five years ago, faked that accident and took his place, then—”

“Wait. Go back.” My throat grows dry with every word. “Did you just say Sasha?”

“Yeah. She said, and I quote, ‘I’m alive. Though you probably know by now that the body was a ploy. Next time I see you, I’m going to kill you.’”

“She…is alive?” The words strangle me on their way out.

“Yeah. She managed to escape the bombing, but that’s not the point right now. She helped me leave Russia because her family wants to kill everyone in this house, including your family. She said she wants to set up a meeting for just the two of you so no one else gets killed in this war. She’s doing this behind their backs, so they can’t find out…”

Maksim trails off when I drop the bottle of vodka. It crashes against the ground as I throw my head back and bark out a long, deep laugh.

Life rushes through my limbs all at once, washing away all emptiness and the hell that came with it.

I’m breathing. No.

I’m alive.

Fuck.

Fucking fuck.

She actually got me. She nearly drove me insane, but all this time, she was in Russia doing fuck knows what.

She wants to kill me the next time she sees me?

By all means.

Anything for my beautiful wife.