Chapter 30: Lionel Red

The days were somehow sweeter after that, though harder. The anxiety that formed between Jo and I after Katie had seen us touching hands was unspoken of, though it was there. It also made it harder to remember, as the only source I have of those days is what I wrote in my journal about them.

Jo was bristled. We hadn't snuck away for another night together since then. She was scared to touch me, even in a non-romantic way—scared to shatter the promise I'd made her. I was willing to keep it. I could see how much pain Jo felt being around Katie, but I could also see her starting to crack. She no longer picked fights with her mother. She avoided her stare, that fear swelling up inside her. I was worried where that fear might take her, but I was soon to find out.

But it was still sweet. We played with the kids and sometimes stole a kiss or two like schoolchildren. We would drive away to the beach to be together, holding hands and leaning on each other's shoulder while we talked of the apartment we dreamed of. Jo said it was in the city, just a few miles away from the house. She could be away from her mother but still be involved enough to not get cut off. I told her that it would be okay if they cut her off, that I would make money teaching and she would find a job somewhere, but she refused. She thought so little of her capabilities that she viewed her parents' financial support as the only thing that would keep her alive, like it was her lifeline. She was stubborn about it.

Marty didn't seem suspicious about anything, so we gathered that Katie must not have told him about it. He hung around a little bit more, talking to me about his business prospects. I think he was really eager to teach me things, since Jo was uninterested, and Judd was still too young to understand. I learned a lot about the oil industry, the risks and rewards, and how to choose investments. I also learned about a lot of other things, because Marty was invested in so many different things, from real estate to stocks, to business start-ups and technology. He was a very smart man, and a compassionate one, too.

There was one night just after dinner when Holly tugged at Jo's arm and said, "Let's dance! Go get Lionel Red!"

I thought maybe Lionel was a musician who would play the grand piano that always went untouched in the living room, but Jo went somewhere in the house and came back holding a big red box in her hands. Holly and Judd raced to the living room and watched as Jo set the box down on the table and opened it up, revealing a Spear-Tone Lionel record player. She went over to a bookshelf where some records were sitting and shuffled through them before picking up a Beatles record.

Holly clapped in excitement. "Beatles!" Judd rolled his eyes, but still looked excited to dance. Judd wasn't all boy and football, I learned. He loved painting and music, and singing and dancing. He was a jack of all trades, except for anything that had to do with reading or writing. I was afraid to say he would not know French by the end of summer.

Marty had made himself a drink in the kitchen and was walking past the living room right as Jo put the record on. I was sitting on the couch, and he came and sat down beside me, my body falling into the gravity with which he put on the cushion with his weight. I scrambled away a little and watched as Holly and Judd started to jump around to the pop music.

Marty chuckled, and I looked over at him. His eyes were glistening, his wide jaw set into a smile. He loved his kids dearly, that was obvious. I wondered about what Jo said that day at the beach weeks before, about how she thought Marty would feel if he knew about our relationship. Maybe he wouldn't be so mad, I thought. It was Katie who would sway him. He seemed to bend to her will, like everything else in the house. Jo used to be the only one who stayed strong, but now I saw that she bent to her will, too.

Jo took Holly's little hands and started dancing with her, grabbing her under the arms and lifting her up into the air as the little girl shrieked with delight. I chuckled as I watched Judd dance. He was actually pretty good for a lanky preteen boy.

When Jo laughed, it was like the sun entering the room. Her open mouth, sharp teeth, red tongue, the twinkle in her bright green eyes, the way her hair flung carelessly over her shoulders. It was an impeccable sight that broiled warmth in my stomach. I wanted to be privy to that church bell laugh for the rest of my life. I wanted to feel those soft hands on my skin forever. I wanted to hear her steady voice, watch her ride horses, see her exquisite delight at the simplest of things. I wanted to take that pain, buried oh-so-deep inside her, and bury it in myself if I had to. I wanted to run around the world twice over for her. I would commit myself to her side for the rest of my life if she wanted me to. I would also leave for her. If her mood changed and she wanted to never see me again, I would subject myself to the pain of being without Jo. As long as it made her feel better, eased those premature, childlike emotions in her beating heart, I would. I would do anything.

Jo suddenly turned to me, sticking out her hand. "C'mon, Becks. Dance with me."

My face blushed a little as I was pulled out of my thoughts, hoping Marty didn't see how hard I was staring at Jo with a dazed smile. "Oh, no. I don't dance." I also didn't want to do that in front of Marty who was right beside me, laughing jollily.

To my surprise, he nudged my arm with his elbow. "Go on, Becca. You never had a Donnelley Dance before."

I looked from him to Jo, who had her hands held out expectantly, panting a little from dancing with the kids who still jumped and shrieked. I hesitated before taking her hands, painfully aware of Marty's eyes on us. She tugged me to my feet and pulled me to the center of the room where the kids were dancing, dancing with me. I blushed and danced a little, not sure how to even dance, but it was enough for her. She pulled me to her and then pushed me away, lifting up our hands. Instinctively, I did a twirl under her arm, finding myself laughing to the music.

Marty whooped as I twirled, and I looked over to see him watching us with a smile. Holly went over and pulled Marty to his feet, and he stood up like a jolly giant and started dancing with the kids, shaking the floor a little as he stomped.

It was perfect, the five of us dancing together. I didn't even notice Katie standing in the doorway, her arms crossed as she watched Jo twirl me around like a doll and grab at my waist to pull me closer to her. I wish I had seen.

I think dancing with me in front of Marty made Jo more brave, because I found her slipping into my room that night right as I was getting into bed.

"Hey," she whispered, closing the door behind her. She looked a little unsure, as if she thought I didn't want her there, but I nodded to let her know it was okay. "You're an awful dancer."

She always had a way of easing tension. I laughed, pulling the covers over myself. "Well, you seemed to enjoy my dancing."

She smiled, tucking her hands into her pockets and just standing at my doorway. I stared at her, watching her blush with nervousness. Finally, having had enough of torturing her, I peeled the covers open. "C'mere."

Like a giddy child, she jumped into the bed, already barefoot and in her pajamas, nestling up close to me and pulling the covers around us. She laid on her side, her head resting on her bent elbow, and I did the same.

We just looked at each other for a while. It was comfortable. I didn't have the sweaty palms and racing heart I used to have around her. I could breathe in her space without trepidation.

"I love you," she whispered delicately, afraid the words would break me.

I smiled and reached out, taking her hand under the covers. "I love you more." I never meant anything more than I meant it when I said those words.

She shook her head and leaned closer to me, letting her nose graze mine. "I wish I could spend the rest of my days like this. Dancing with you, and Holly and Judd, and getting to go to bed with you."

My face turned red. I still wasn't accustomed to the desires.

"You will," I whispered, meaning it completely. "Soon enough. We'll spend every day like this, dancing until our feet hurt, drinking lemonade, calling each other stupid."

She chuckled. "And going to bed together?"

"And going to bed together."

She smiled, tucking her nose behind mine and pressing her lips to my mouth. Her kiss was always sweet, always sincere, always quick to fire. Her hands were twice as eager.

I loved giving myself to her. I loved seeing the pleasures of climax on her face, where she thought of nothing else but my touch. I loved losing myself between her legs, and the way she lost herself inside me. It was stumbly but passionate love, the only love I had ever given. She had told me sometime after our first time that I was the first person she ever did that with. She was so nervous when she said it, like it was something that would make me mad. She smiled when I told her she was my first, too.

As much as I loved the sex, I loved laying in her arms more. She held me so tightly. Sometimes it would get humid and hard to breathe, but I stayed in her arms, my back against her front, as she spooned me throughout the entire night, not moving once. I assumed of her as a wild sleeper, but she was so still.

Something happened that night that I didn't remember until much later. I heard something outside the door, sometime after we had fallen asleep. I was groggy and didn't move, but the door made a noise. I heard someone there. When I finally mustered opening my eyes, I saw nothing but the door, closed as it was when Jo had closed it earlier that night. I went back to sleep, blissfully unaware.