Chapter 32: Bunny Boob

I was quieter than ever as I snuck down the stairs and through the dark, quiet house. I slipped out of the patio door, my bare feet touching the grass as I jogged over to the bench way back in the backyard, right under the rosewood.

I was out of breath by the time I reached it, and there I saw her. Jo was sitting high up in the tree, so high I could hardly see her. All I could see was the reflection of the moonlight on her white blouse, her blonde hair against the dark wood of the tree trunk.

"Jo," I said as calmly as I could. Her eyes turned down to me, and even from way down there I could see how dark and red they were. I could see the glare of tears in her eyes.

"Do you think it would hurt if I jumped?" she asked simply, her voice echoing through the trees. "It didn't hurt last time."

My heart started to race again. I glanced over to the bench and saw a tiny bottle sitting on its side, white powder spilled out of it. Carefully, I looked back up at her and said, "Jo, please don't jump."

She didn't say anything. She just stared down at the ground, clutching onto the limb that she stood on.

"Jo, please," I begged, stepping closer to the tree, ignoring the word stupid still carved into it. "Please don't jump. You're way too high."

"No, I'm not."

"Jo, just climb down."

"No!" she yelled, and I winced, fearful that someone in the house would wake up and hear her.

"Jo, please."

She stared at me, her lips turning into a trembling frown. "I don't wanna. I'm gonna stay here forever."

"Don't be stupid."

She looked around again, swallowing hard as she stared at the ground. She moved a little, and fear jumped through me.

"Jo, come down right now," I said as firmly as I could, though my voice was wavering from the tears welling in my eyes. I didn't want her to jump. I didn't want Katie to be right when she said that Jo would get herself killed one day. I didn't want to be the reason for it.

She looked at me again, uncertainty in her eyes. Finally, she stepped down onto a lower branch, holding herself up on other branches as she slowly climbed down the tree. When she was down far enough, she jumped down, landing on her feet right in front of me.

We stared at each other. I don't think either of us were sure of what to say.

"Katie read my journal," I blurted, wincing at my own words.

Jo was looking at the ground, her body trembling a little bit. Redness streaked up her cheeks, a few tears spilling out as she nodded her head.

Breathing hard, I clenched my jaw and stepped closer. "I'm leaving tomorrow morning."

Her eyes flashed up at me, the whites in them illuminating under the moon. I could see even then, in the blue hue of the night, that her pupils were wide. Her eyebrows trembled as they sewed together. "What?"

I hesitated, unsure of what Katie had told her. "She threatened to tell everyone about me... about us. And she threatened to cut you off."

She shook her head, her fluffy blonde hair bouncing on her chest. "But the apartment." Her voice was meek and shaky, just like the day Willow died. "I thought—I thought we would go there."

Guilt and pain stung at my chest as my hands started to shake. "No, Jo," I whispered. "We can't do that now."

Her mouth contorted into some kind of pout. "But... but why not?" She adjusted her feet where they stood, her fists clenching and shaking at her sides. She looked like Holly when she was told she couldn't do something.

Taking a deep breath, I took a step closer to her, but she jumped away, her face contorting as more tears rushed out of her eyes. Seeing her jump away from me hurt more than Katie's words.

"Jo, we could never get away with that," I said as softly as I could, putting my hands up as if trying to calm a wild animal. "Katie said—"

"You promised!" she screeched, shaking her fists downwards. A sob escaped her mouth, shaking her entire body. "You promised you would stay!" She was crying like a child now, and it made me feel feverish with guilt.

"I know," I choked, a lump forming in my throat. I hated seeing her cry like that. I never thought I would be the reason. "I'm sorry."

"You promised!" she yelled again. I tried to step closer to her, but with a loud screech she came at me, putting her hands on my chest and shoving me hard. I fell back onto the ground, gasping as my breath knocked out of me. "You promised!" she screeched again, looking at me on the ground. I sat up on my elbows, my lips quivering as tears slipped down my cheeks.

It was awful seeing her like that. In all of her tantrums and cruel moods, she had never been like that. I don't think she really was mad at me. She knew as well as I did that we couldn't get the apartment together, that Katie would find out and ruin both of our lives. She knew that we did not yet live in a world where we could make it work. She was just grieving again, like she grieved Willow, but this time she was angry. She was high, too, and kept rubbing at her nose as she paced, staring at me who just laid on the ground and stared at her frightened.

"Just go!" she finally cried, her eyes squeezing shut as a sob escaped her again. She covered her mouth with her wrist, turning in a frantic circle. I could only lay there, crying up at her, wishing she would just stop. "Go! I said go!" She ran at me and kicked the ground at my feet, dirt and grass jumping up. It frightened me, so I scrambled to my feet and stepped away from her.

"Jo, please. We can still write each other. Maybe one day when we are older and have our own money, we can—"

"I said go, goddamnit!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, the force of her voice bending her body and drawing a deep gasp once she was done. "Just fucking go!" Her voice screeched so loudly that it woke the sleeping birds who fluttered away towards the moon. I wish I could have flown with them.

"Jo—"

"Go!" she screamed again, and I was sure that someone had woken up in the house, but I didn't care. "Go!" She ran at me again, pushing me by my chest. I caught her wrists and held them tight, her fists grabbing my shirt so hard that it wrinkled under her palm.

She was sobbing hard, lowering her head and letting it push against my chest. I tried to pull her up, but she crumbled to her knees at my feet.

"Go!" she screamed again, letting go of my shirt and snatching her wrists out of my hands so she could put them over her head as she cried at my feet.

With blurry vision and a breaking heart, I knew there was nothing else I could say to snap her out of it. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head, placing my hands on her back. I kept my lips against her hair for a moment, trying hard to remember how it felt, how she smelled. Then I stood, wiping my face, and walked away. She stayed there as I walked away, crumpled into a ball on the grass, sobbing and crying with the most heart-shattering pain I had ever heard.

I cried as I spent the rest of the night packing all my things. I wanted to be gone before anyone woke up. I'd already decided that I would call a taxi to take me to the airport as soon as the sun rose. By the first ray of sun, I was packed, and I took the Western Electric phone out of the desk and called a taxi.

The house was still quiet as I left that room for the last time, holding my two bags of belongings. I inched down the stairs, my heart beating as I bit back the tears threatening to drop. I made it to the very last stair when I heard a small, quiet voice.

"Where are you going?"

Stopping, I slowly turned around. Holly was standing at the top of the stairs in her pajamas, holding a stuffed animal and rubbing her sleepy eyes. Of course, she had heard me and went to investigate.

My sweet Holly. My heart broke as I realized that Jo wasn't the only special thing I was saying goodbye to. I couldn't stop the tear that slid down my cheek. I set my bags down and gave a tight smile, crouching down and holding out my arms. "Come here, Holly."

Carefully, with her brows sewn in confusion, she hopped down the stairs and came to stand in front of me. I placed my hand on her shoulders and smiled up at her.

"I'm leaving," I whispered.

"Where you going?" she asked innocently, but she could tell that something was wrong because I was crying.

"I'm going home, Holly."

"To Louisiana?"

I nodded.

"But... I thought you were gonna stay here all summer." Her eyes widened a little, darting down to my packed bags.

I shook my head. "No, honey, I can't. I have to go home."

She was chewing on her finger, trying to understand the sadness she felt at the thought of me leaving.

"Are you going to come back next summer?"

I already knew that I wouldn't, but it broke my heart to tell her that. So I nodded, wiping some tears that came fast down my face. "Yea, of course, honey. I'll be back next summer to teach you even more French."

She pouted at me, her eyes starting to glisten.

"You be good in school this year, okay?" I said, sniffling. "And be good to Judd. He's your big brother, even if he's mean sometimes. And be good to Jo." Saying her name made my chest ache all over again. "She needs you even more than you need her."

Holly nodded determinedly, and then she looked down to the stuffed toy under her arm. She hesitated before pushing it into my chest. "Here. You take care of Bunny Boob."

I looked down at the white bunny with floppy ears, placing my hand over the soft fabric. I remember the day she had the tea party with me, how she said this was her favorite.

"Oh, Holly," I gasped, trailing off when the lump in my throat threatened to explode. "But Bunny Boob is your favorite."

She looked a little sadly at the bunny, but then smiled a little. "It's okay. You'll take good care of him, and I'll see him again next summer when you come back."

I tried to smile, but a cry escaped my throat, and I lowered my head.

"Don't cry," she whined, throwing her arms around my neck and hugging my head. "You'll see me next summer." I raised my head, and she let go, looking at me with wide, teary eyes. "Don't cry, Miss Becca." She raised her little hands and started wiping away my tears, and it only reminded me of the way Jo had done that before.

"Okay, I won't," I whispered, giving her a shaky smile. I could hear the taxi pulling into the driveway. "I have to go now."

"Okay," she said sadly as I stood up and picked up my bags. I told her to go back to bed, so she did, hugging me around my middle before going back upstairs. I went to the front door and opened it, but I felt something that stopped me.

Turning my head, I saw Jo standing beside the end of the staircase. Her hair was wild, and her face was red and puffy. There was dark circles under her eyes, and grass stains on her shirt. She was dead-eyed, the green in them that used to be so bright having faded into a jaded darkness.

She didn't say anything to me. I think she was waiting, waiting for me to turn back and run into her arms, to promise that I would get an apartment with her, that I would never leave her.

But I knew that I couldn't do that. Not after Katie's threats, not when it would be risking our lives. I just couldn't do that to her. I had already driven a wedge in the Donnelley family. I couldn't break it apart. If it were my family, I would never want that.

We stared at each other for a moment, the dull dawn light coming from the open door glowing on her face. I didn't say anything to her. I just turned and left.

I managed to bite back my tears as I got into the backseat of the taxi and told the driver to take me to the airport. But when he started to pull away, and I turned my head to see Jo standing in the doorway of the house, my chin wobbled. I watched her, as the taxi drove me away, standing there on the front step, just staring at me. It reminded me of when I had watched Mama stand on the front porch as I drove away for college. When I couldn't see her anymore through the back window, I turned away.

Bunny Boob was in my lap, and I clutched him to my chest, my tears sinking into his pristine white fabric. Oh, how I sobbed in the backseat of that taxi.