Hate You: Chapter 31

I’m expecting it, but still, waking to find the other side of the bed cold fills me with dread. I knew I’d ruined everything the moment those words slipped past my lips. It’s his fault. He told me to be honest, so that’s what I did. It’s not my fault he couldn’t handle the truth.

I roll onto my back and wonder at what point everything went so wrong. I think it might have been the night I let him into my flat while Danni was sleeping in my guest room.

I lie there for the longest time before I drag my arse from the bed to find out that the breakfast that’s been booked for all the staying guests starts in thirty minutes. That’s assuming I’m brave enough to show my face. Both Zach and Danni will be there, and I’m guessing neither will want me to join them.

After swallowing a couple of painkillers to hopefully numb my pounding head, I have the most depressing shower of my life as I remember vividly what happened in here only hours ago.

I rinse the lingering scent of him from my body before quickly blow drying my hair and applying just enough make up to cover the evidence of my serious lack of sleep last night.

Wearing a pair of jeans and a violet jumper, I head down to where the breakfast is being served. As I expected everyone is already seated and tucking into their food, which I can’t deny smells incredible.

I look around at all the happy faces as they relive yesterday’s events before I find the happy couple. They look like they’re on top of the world. Beside them, Zach’s parents look equally as thrilled. Danni, however, just stares down at her plate while poking at whatever’s sitting there uneaten. She must feel my stare because after only a few seconds, she glances up at me. Our eyes hold. Everything I want to say to her, all the apologies I need to give her are right on the end of my tongue. I manage to pull my eyes away and find the seat next to hers is empty. Is that where he should be sitting? And if so, where is he? I assumed he’d gone back to his room, wherever it is, but has he run further than that? My heart sinks.

I look back to Danni who shakes her head at me in disappointment. My feet move, but they don’t take me the way I need to go. Instead I find myself heading back up to my room with a lump in my throat the size of a fucking basketball. I pack up my few belongings and get the hell out of that hotel, thankfully without bumping into any of the wedding guests, or at least any I recognise. My Uber is waiting right outside the entrance for me. I jump in and confirm my address before sitting back and wishing I could rewind time.

“Would you be able to pull over here please?” I ask when he heads toward a corner shop by my house. “I’ll just be a couple of seconds.”

He doesn’t look happy about it but he agrees and pulls over. I hop out and race around the shop to grab what I need.

Thirty minutes later, I’m sitting on my sofa, one of my favourite old films playing on the TV, wearing a pair of leggings and an oversized shirt, and I’m digging onto a huge tub of cookie dough ice cream. I’d usually accompany it with a bottle of wine, but seeing as I consumed enough to stock a small bar last night, and it’s not even midday yet, I forgo it. For now at least.

I think back over last night. Zach looked wild when he first pushed himself into my room, and I can’t deny that even now, the memory of his dark eyes has flutters erupting in my belly.

I shove another spoonful of cold goodness into my mouth. The moment I realised just what I felt for him hit me like a fucking truck at exactly the wrong time. He was trying to hurt me for lying to him. He wanted to break me, and I guess in a way he did. One moment I realised that I’d fallen in love with him and the next my heart was shattering because I knew he’d never feel the same. He came to hurt me, for fuck’s sake.

But something happened in those next few moments. Something that had my heart racing and for the mask that he’d pulled on to slip. He went from a monster on a mission to the Zach I’ve had little glimpses at over the past few weeks. The softer side, the one who isn’t always in charge of everything, isn’t always untouchable. In just those couple of moments, I thought I had him. The way he touched me, the way he kissed me, the way our bodies moved together. It’s something, something special, something more than just two people coming together in the heat of the moment. When he looked into my eyes as he told me to be honest, there was more there. There were promises he was terrified to make, a future he was terrified to think about, I’m sure of it. And then I went and opened my big fucking mouth and ruined everything we’d built in the last few hours.

Getting up, I dig my phone out from the bottom out of my bag, hoping that I might have something from him, or Danni, but the only name that stares back at me is another that I only feel guilty about.

Christian.

I never should have invited him yesterday. Not that I could have ever imagined that he knew Zach and was going to make the situation a million times worse. I don’t think I could have chosen a worse fake date if I’d tried.

Swiping my phone, I stare down at his words.

Christian: I hope everything worked out ok after I left.

My thumb hovers over the keyboard as I try to come up with something positive to say. Seeing him leave with the woman he’d been chatting to most of the night made me felt a little less guilty about dragging him into my mess in the first place. At least he might have got something out of yesterday, even if I’m sitting here with a gaping hole in my chest.

Tabitha: Everything worked out as it should be. I hope you had a great night.

Christian: It was great, thank you 😉

I can’t help but smile at his winky face. He’s a good guy and deserves a good woman in his life, one who’s not going to use him like I did.

While I’ve got my phone in my hand, I send a message to Danni. I’ve got no idea what to say, so I keep it simple and just send, I’m sorry. I offer to explain all, but I’m not expecting for her rush over here to hear me out.

I spend the rest of the day digging to the bottom of my tub of ice cream before pulling up an app on my phone and ordering myself Chinese for dinner. If I’m going to wallow in self-pity, I may as well do it with unhealthy, fatty food.

When I eventually fall into bed, I’m numb. It’s exactly what I need, but the second I fall asleep, I’m assaulted by dreams of him and what could never be.

I don’t step foot out of my flat for the next six days. I put off the meeting I’m meant to have with my lecturer at uni. I unplug my home phone, not that it ever rings aside from nonsense calls about the accident I’ve never been in, and I keep my mobile on silent. The couple of times I’ve checked it, no one wanted me. Until Thursday night when I didn’t show up to my shift at Rebel Ink. I debated it, a lot. I could turn up, hold my head high, and like all the other times, pretend nothing had happened. Or I could accept my fate. Zach doesn’t want me there, he never has. So now’s as good a time as any to finally listen to all the times he’s not so bluntly told me to leave and I do just that. Silently.

Thursday and Friday night, my phone is almost constantly alight with messages and calls from both Titch and D, but I refuse to answer any of them, deciding, with the help of a bottle of wine each night, that they’re better off without me. Zach wants nothing to do with me and nor does Danni. I’m sure they’ll only agree with them once they discover the truth.

The only good thing about my week in solitude is that I complete the uni project I’ve been working on for forever.

I sit back on the old sofa in my studio and stare at the three canvases, finally happy with the outcome.

I sip at my wine and look over every inch of the paint before me as thoughts about my future enter my mind. Soon I’ll be finished and I’ll no longer be able to say I’m a student. Sure, I could do more, but even I’m starting to think my parents are right and that I’m just using this as an excuse to waste time. I love art, I love doing it, looking at it, learning about it, but really, what am I going to do next? Going to join my dad in a successful company where I can make a good life for myself would be the easiest option, but it’s an option I still have no desire for.

I think back to that final conversation with my gran. “Follow your heart and just breathe. Spread your wings and fly, Tabby Cat.”

I blow out a long breath as I try to figure out what that means for me now. I may have those words tattooed on my body, but I’m no closer to figuring out what I should do once I’ve taken that breath. My heart still beats with him inside it, but I’m not stupid enough to know that running after that dream would only lead me to a dead end. He’s made it clear time after time that there’s no future for the two of us. There wasn’t really a past, if I’m being honest. Just a girl who got swept away by the bad boy. Fucking hell, I’m such a cliché.

My buzzer going off drags me from my thoughts, and I push myself up from the sofa to see who’s here. I’ve ordered dinner but I’m not expecting it to be here yet. My only other thought is that it’s my parents after realising that I’ve disappeared off the face of the earth, but I find that hard to believe. We can go months without talking, a few days is a drop in the ocean.

I push the button to talk to whoever it is. “Who is it?”

“It’s me,” a soft, familiar voice says. “I think we need to talk.” My heart pounds in my chest as I let my best friend up into my flat. I’ve reached out to her a couple of times this week, but all my messages have gone unanswered.

I open the door to allow her inside before turning to get a glass of wine.

“Hey,” she says awkwardly as she joins me in the kitchen.

“Hey.” I lift my arm to pass her the glass, but she shocks me by walking straight up to me, her eyes full of unshed tears. I have no choice but to put the glass to the counter as she wraps her arms around me.