PTSD

Bambi

The name echoed in my head as my heart started racing.

~Matthias.~

I didn’t know who he was, but if he could cause devastation such as this, he must’ve truly been a demon.

Tears spilled down my cheeks as I shut my eyes tightly, not able to bear the sight of the countless burned bodies in front of me.

I took a step back and ran into someone.

“Ekon?” I asked, opening my eyes and turning around.

“This place isn’t for the living,” a voice hissed in my ear. “Maybe you’d like to join the dead?”

I tried to scream, but his hand shot over my mouth.

He was dressed in tattered rags and covered in dirt, a large rucksack slung across his back.

This man was a rogue.

A wolf with no pack.

I struggled to break free from his grasp, but he just laughed at my feeble attempt.

“Stop squirming, bitch. It just makes it harder to gut you.”

Suddenly the rogue was ripped away and thrown into the air by a powerful force.

In his place stood Ekon, half-shifted and ready to tear somebody apart, judging by the bloodthirsty look in his eyes.

That fierce expression immediately changed to one of shock when Ekon saw the bodies behind me for the first time.

Smelling them was one thing, but seeing them with his wolf stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Wh—what happened…”

Ekon became unsteady and started to fall over, shifting back to human form.

I ran forward and caught his weight, trying to keep him upright.

“Ekon, are you okay? Answer me!” I shouted.

“So…so many soldiers. All dead. Just boys. We were just boys. I should’ve done more,” he rasped.

~Soldiers?~

~He…he thinks he’s back in the war.~

~And this place really does look like a war zone.~

“Death everywhere,” he muttered. “If death is all there is to see…I’m glad I don’t have my sight.”

“The Great War is over, Ekon,” I said, trying to comfort him. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be—”

Behind Ekon, I caught a glimpse of the rogue running straight at us, knife drawn.

“Ekon, look out!” I screamed, but he didn’t budge an inch, and his weight pinned me to the spot. “You have to snap out of it!”

We were as good as dead…

But before the rogue could reach us, Hunter suddenly appeared from nowhere and hurtled through the air, knocking him to the ground.

He grabbed a piece of splintered wood and jammed it through the rogue’s chest, causing blood to spray from his mouth.

Even though I could’ve done without the gore, I gave Hunter a thankful glance, but then I felt Ekon’s claws dig into my shoulder.

He was returning to normal.

He shoved me behind him in what was possibly an act of protection, but more probable, it was an act of embarrassment.

“Don’t ever run off like that again,” he growled, without looking back.

As Ekon walked over to the impaled rogue, Hunter shot him a smug grin.

“Getting a little slow in your old age, Ekon? I know you didn’t just give me that kill out of the kindness of your own heart.”

“My killing days are over,” he snarled, feeling around for the rucksack and ripping it off the rogue’s back.

He opened it up and turned it over, spilling out loads of jewelry, cutlery, and antiques, listening to the sound of their clatter as they hit the ground.

“Just a looter…petty fucking thief,” he growled. “He didn’t have anything to do with this massacre.”

“Then who the fuck did this?” Hunter asked, his eyes growing dark.

~Matthias.~

The name rang out through my head again.

“Holy shit, is this…” Hunter suddenly knelt down next to the very man who’d uttered that name. “Ekon, you need to see this...”

Ekon grimaced. “What is it, Blackwood?”

“It’s Alpha Rudolph…or what’s left of him, anyway.”

I gasped before I could stop myself.

~So that’s the Alpha of the Northern Pack? The one we came to see…~

Ryland came running up the street, a look of pure repulsion on his face as he surveyed the bodies.

“Alpha Ekon, scouts sent word that more rogues are on their way to this location. It’s not safe to stay here.”

Ekon nodded and walked over to me, grabbing me by the hand.

“There’s nothing for us here anyway. Nothing but desecration.”

***

The silence on the drive back to Ekon’s compound was excruciating.

He was mad at me. I could tell. I had wandered off on my own when I knew better, but I also knew that my curious nature was only a small part of it.

He was mad that I had seen him act so weak…so vulnerable.

He was absolutely crippled by his memories of the war. I couldn’t imagine the horrors he must’ve faced to make him dissociate like that.

I wanted to talk to him…

To comfort him…

And to tell him what Alpha Rudolph had revealed before he’d died.

But he was giving me the silent treatment, and I was afraid that anything I said would be the wrong thing.

“What were you thinking?” he finally asked in a gruff tone.

“What…what do you mean?” I stammered.

“What the ~fuck~ were you thinking? Running off on your own like that. You could’ve been killed.”

“I…I just let my curiosity get the—”

“Your curiosity,” he repeated with distaste. “That would be what gets you killed.”

Since my prying nature was already testing his patience, I decided to test it further.

“Have you heard of someone called Matthias?”

Ekon’s head snapped up, and his eyes turned black.

His severe reaction startled me.

“What did you just say?”

“Matth—”

“Where the fuck did you hear that name?” he growled with such seething hatred that it made me recoil.

“Alpha…Alpha Rudolph. He said the name with his dying breath,” I responded meekly. “Maybe he’s the one who massacred the pack?”

“That’s impossible. Don’t talk about things that you know nothing about.”

I started to feel annoyed. Why was he treating me like a child?

“Why is it impossible? Just because it came from me? You think that I was just sitting around, an empty-headed mate-in-waiting before you whisked me away to this frigid nightmare?” I spat back.

“No,” he growled. “It’s impossible because Matthias is dead. I killed him with my own two hands.”

I sat back, stunned.

“And, Bambi, I need you to do something for me,” Ekon said, leaning forward and hovering over me. I could tell he was still enraged, even if his tone was softer. Somehow the lower volume actually made me tremble more.

“What?” I asked, barely a whisper.

“Never speak that fucking name again.”

Ekon

As I leaned against Bambi’s door, I heard soft sobbing coming from behind it.

She had isolated herself in her room since we’d returned from the Northern Pack.

Maybe I had been too harsh with her…

Fuck, I ~knew~ I’d been too harsh with her.

She had never experienced death before…not like that.

The piles of dead bodies…

The stench of burned flesh…

It was nothing new to me, and yet I was the one who’d froze.

I tried so hard to forget what I’d seen in the Great War…

What I’d done…

But some things you never forget.

Some things were seared into your mind for eternity.

Bambi would likely never forget what she saw at the Northern Pack…

Right now she needed my comfort, not my judgment. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me before, but I could be there for her now.

I knocked on the door and entered as I heard Bambi quickly sit up. “Ekon,” she said timidly.

“I came to apologize,” I said, sitting on the edge of her bed. “I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you. I just…”

As my voice trailed off, she placed her hand on mine. It gave me the strength to continue.

“I almost lost you today. Because of my damn memories. They tether me like a fucking leash. I don’t control them. They control me,” I said, starting to feel enraged.

“Stop,” Bambi said in a soothing tone. “Don’t blame yourself for that. After what I saw at the Northern Pack, I can’t believe you lived through sights like that for an entire war.”

I flinched at the word “sight,” and she noticed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay,” I said calmly. “I just wish I could’ve protected you from having to see it too. I had a close friend in the war, Alpha Leonardo. He lost his mate to...to a man named Matthias. When you said it out loud, it triggered something dark inside me. I...I pictured losing you. I don’t want to lose you, Bambi.”

She scooted closer to me, until our legs were pressed against each other.

“This mate thing, it’s hard, isn’t it? It’s like a puzzle, but the pieces don’t always fit together,” she surmised.

I had to laugh at her analogy. Bambi’s inquisitive and curious nature was actually one of my favorite qualities, but I couldn’t tell her that…for her own well-being.

She got into enough trouble as it was.

“I suppose it is somewhat like a puzzle,” I replied. “But perhaps they’ll come together if we give it time.”

“Ekon…did you want a mate?” she asked softly.

I paused for a moment while I considered her question. It was a complicated answer.

“At one time, yes. But after I lost my eyesight, I gave up on the idea of a mate.”

“Why?” she asked in surprise.

“Because I didn’t want to let my mate down,” I said, pulling away. “I didn’t want to be a disappointment.”

I suddenly felt Bambi’s arms lightly drape around my neck.

Her soft lips touched mine, and I found myself cradling her face in my hands.

The feeling was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It was like the clouds in my mind had cleared away and an intense brightness had enveloped me.

The kiss was short but sweet, and then she pulled her lips away and whispered into my ear.

“You’re not a disappointment to me.”

Bambi’s words were a source of strength for me, but as my feelings grew stronger for her, so did my apprehension.

There was still a darkness inside me that I couldn’t always control.

For my mate’s sake, I just hoped I could keep it locked away...