chapter 25

25 We could hear the party when we got out of the lift on the third floor. Their main door was open.‘Hey! Sid, long time no see, man!’ Rajat said and enveloped me in a bear hug as soon as Cara and I walked in.I let myself be hugged by the oversized man.‘You’re looking good,’ I told him, and I meant it. He looked like he’d stepped right out of a mail-order fashion catalogue.‘Thanks, man! Natasha thinks I need to lose weight. And who is this?’‘Cara,’ she introduced herself. ‘Wow! Sexy,’ the idiot said.‘Who’s sexy?’ asked Nat, as she emerged from the crowd. ‘Me,’ replied Cara. ‘I like your husband already.’‘He knows a good thing when he sees it,’ Nat replied, poking him in his stomach, and everyone laughed. I wondered if it was normal to be standing with two women Ihad made love to, and the husband of one of them, laughing with us, oblivious to the truth.‘Hey you!’ Nat said, throwing her arm around me in a half-hearted hug. I felt pretty strange.‘Should we all go up?’ Rajat asked loudly, trying to be heard over the music and chatter. ‘It’s getting quite crowded in here.’He clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention. ‘We are all going up to the roof,’ he yelled.Slowly everyone proceeded to leave the living room. I retreated to a corner and watched as Cara deposited her cake on the table and then walked around to check out the books on a shelf. She was looking very sexy in her elegantly simple little black dress. Nat saw me looking at her and smiled.‘That’s a nice kid.’ ‘She is.’‘Do you want to go up too?’I nodded and then called out to Cara to join us. The three of us walked up to the terrace, which had a beautifully landscaped garden. With what interior designers call ‘hidden mood lighting’ amongst rows of pots of seasonal flowers and beautiful climbing roses, Nat’s terrace was as beautiful as her (IF that is even an analogy). I could imagine standing there with her, on a cold winter evening, a glass of wine in my hand, looking down at the city. Involuntarily, I let out a sigh.Cara rubbed the middle of my back. ‘What was that for?’‘Nothing.’We walked through the crowd of people and found a quiet corner. It was windy that evening and just when I was wondering if Cara might be cold, she walked away towards the bar to bring us both drinks. ‘Back in a jiffy, babe,’ she said as she went.I turned to admire the view and was struck by how the city – any city – always looked beautiful at night, especially from high above, the twinkling lights hiding the chaos within. Quite like us humans in a way, I thought, dressed up, smiling and talking, mingling with strangers, all the while deftly hiding envy, deceit, lust and maybe even love.‘Here you go,’ someone said, and I turned, assuming Cara was back with my drink. It was Nat, holding out a glass.‘Hey!’‘Hey! I’m glad you came.’‘You know . . . I am kind of . . . uncomfortable.’ ‘I told you. Don’t be. I love that you’re here.’Cara came back just then and for a moment I worried if she had heard the conversation.‘Oh, you have a drink already?’ she asked, surprised. ‘Nat brought me one.’‘Oh, okay,’ she said, smiling at Nat and handing her the glass of wine.‘To you, Nat!’ Cara raised a toast. ‘Thank you!’‘I love you both,’ Cara continued, ‘really. You guys havebeen so good to me. This gorilla, especially,’ and she pointed her glass at me.My heart stopped for a moment, mortified that she might continue and say something about us.Nat laughed and then added, ‘I love this gorilla too.’ ‘Thank you both,’ I said, raising my glass, ‘from Alpha.You guys make it the place it is. And Nat, to happiness!’ But even as I said it, a part of me wanted to cut and run.‘Thank you,’ Nat said, and then leaned into me. I wrapped an arm around her.And I think Cara saw something in that moment. There was something about the way she screwed up her eyes and brushed her hair aside that made me worry that she had noticed the ‘something’ between Nat and me. Or maybe my head was playing tricks on me.‘So, are you guys going on a holiday?’ Cara turned to ask Nat.‘I don’t know, even if we are it is a surprise, I think.’‘I love surprises,’ Cara said and then took a sip from her glass, her eyes glued to mine.I winked at her.‘Okay, you guys, give me a minute, I have to circulate for a bit,’ Nat said, and walked away, leaving us alone.‘She’s such a beautiful woman, on the inside too,’ said Cara.‘She is. I am very fond of her.’‘As she is of you, anyone can see that.’She was looking away as she said that, so I wasn’t sureif that was an insinuation or just plain observation. I didn’t know what the best response to that would be given everything that had happened, so I kept quiet. Roy and Aanya walked over, providing a welcome respite from the deadlock in the conversation.‘Hey, man!’‘Roy.’Aanya noticed my admiring look and smiled at me. She was looking wonderful in figure-hugging jeans that she’d paired with a sleeveless blouse. I gave her a hug. She whispered, ‘Thank you,’ in my ear. I pulled away and looked at her quizzically.‘For not judging me,’ she mumbled.‘Who am I to judge, Aanya?’ I asked and realized this time I really meant it. ‘Do whatever makes you happy,’ I said. ‘I know, right, that’s what I should do. I like him a lot.’‘I know that, Aanya. He’s a great guy but be careful, this will break your heart eventually.’‘But I am very happy now,’ she insisted, as I held her hand and dragged her away from Cara, who was having an intense conversation with Roy.‘So you are saying that you’re willing to be hurt in the future because things feel so good now?’‘Yes, I think so, and can I take the liberty of telling you that the sex is phenomenal!’ She grinned.My jaw dropped. ‘What is wrong with the two of you?’ I asked, surprised. ‘That is exactly what that man told me,’ I said, pointing to Roy.‘Shush!’ She pulled my hand down, ‘I didn’t tell you so you can start screaming at me. We are adults, aren’t we, and friends? Can’t I admit this to a friend?’‘Yes, you can, sorry,’ I apologized. It was Aanya after all, I had to.I guess I was finding it difficult to handle the fact that I was in the same place as Aanya: happy with Cara because of the sex, but falling in love with Nat, heading down heartbreak highway, with a tailwind. Suddenly it felt too contrived to stand with Aanya, Roy and Cara, knowing that somewhere nearby was Nat, with her husband. My otherwise normal shutter-happy life had become an American soap gone crazy, where everyone was linked in intricate ways. I excused myself from Aanya, walked over to Cara and asked her if she wanted a refill. She declined. I planted a small kiss on her shoulder and, leaving the three of them, went in search of the bar.Just as I was neared the drinks table, Nat appeared, caught my elbow and said quite loudly, ‘Sid, come down with me, I need some help with the snacks.’ I acted surprised but was incredibly pleased that she had found a window for us to be alone and followed her down the staircase.As soon as we walked into the apartment, she said, ‘I want you to see this,’ and thrust their wedding album into my hands.I was aghast. ‘Why would you want me to see this, Nat?I’m having a tough time being here as it is.’‘I don’t know, Sid. I . . . I just wanted you to. He is a good man, loves me too, but he is just not sure what to do with meright now when I am so unhappy that we can’t have a baby.’ I stood there staring at her.‘And because I am unhappy I keep finding all kinds of faults in him . . .’ she continued.She was fiddling with a thread on her dress while she spoke and just when I thought she was going to tell me that what had happened between us was a mistake, she looked up at me and said, ‘I love you.’Her words took me by surprise. I walked up to her and demanded, ‘Say that again.’‘You heard me.’I pulled her into my arms and held her tight, feeling her body against mine, inhaling the familiar scent of lavender in her hair.‘I can’t tell you enough how good this feels,’ she whispered. ‘Ditto,’ I added.She pulled back and began to laugh. ‘Ditto? Did you just say ditto?’I felt foolish and my smile turned to a laugh. ‘Yes.’She hugged me tighter and said, ‘This is why I love you.’ We heard footsteps outside the apartment and separated guiltily; anyone could have walked in on us. She went over to the dining table and began to make fresh canapés. For a while we stood there without speaking while she preparedthe plates and began slicing the cheese. ‘What next?’ I asked, breaking the silence. ‘Honestly? I don’t know.’What about me, I wanted to ask, but didn’t, couldn’t.There was no way I could pressurize her, selfishly, while she still didn’t know about Cara. Just when my head was forming the next sentence, her husband walked in.‘There you are. I need some more beer.’ He walked over to the freezer and pulled out two six packs. ‘Thanks for helping here, Sid,’ he said as he began cutting open the cases with a really large knife he picked up from the counter. I noticed how comfortable he was wielding it. ‘You know, you guys should be partners,’ he continued, waving the knife at the two of us.Nat looked up with a start and said, ‘What do you mean?Where did that come from?’‘No, I mean, you could.’ He turned to me then and said, ‘Couldn’t she?’‘I think you should take the beer and go back upstairs,’ Nat butt in, her voice grim.‘Okay, you are the boss!’ He walked away, yelling, ‘See you upstairs!’‘What was that about?’‘I told you. He doesn’t know how to handle my unhappiness. He thinks that if I am closer to Alpha professionally, I will be happier, but he doesn’t know that for me it means you, not Alpha,’ she said miserably.‘You know, Nat, nothing makes sense to me other than the fact that you are standing in front of me and that I have never felt as happy or complete before. I am sorry, I don’t know if this is what you want to hear right now but I can’t help it. You have a husband and a life, and I will always respect that.’She leaned over the table and touched my cheek, something she liked to do, I had noticed, when she was at a loss for words. But in her case, a touch was worth a thousand words. I wanted to walk around the table and hold her.‘Do we go back up?’ I asked instead. The trays of feta and cold cuts were full by this time.‘I wish we didn’t have to,’ she replied, ‘but yes.’We carried the trays of food back to the terrace. Cara came over immediately, almost as if she’d been waiting for me. She took the plate of cold cuts from my hand and laid it down on the bar and, linking her arm through mine, said, ‘Come dance with me.’I protested, but Nat pushed me to go with her. As Cara and I danced, our arms wrapped around each other, I wondered what Nat thought about that. The music was soothing and with the fragrance of lavender lingering in my mind, I closed my eyes and imagined I was holding Nat in my arms. Strangely, I did not feel an ounce of guilt. Then the song we were moving to stopped playing, and in the second before the next song began, without meaning to, my grip around Cara loosened.‘You are not here with me,’ she complained. ‘I am, girl,’ I protested.‘No, you’re not! I don’t know what it is but you are not here with me,’ she said and tightened her grip around me.I shut up and we danced through the next song. I saw Aanya and Roy together and wondered if everyone saw what I saw. At some point Nat and Rajat joined in the dancing.I surprised myself when, slowly, my discomfort at watching her in his arms turned into rage.‘Can we go?’ I whispered to Cara.‘Yes, whatever you want to do,’ she replied.Mid song, we excused ourselves and told Nat that we were leaving. She protested at first, then gave Cara a very warm hug and thanked her for coming and bringing the cake and me. Cara winked at me at that. Nat turned to me and we hugged briefly. I could feel it then. I had crossed over.‘See you,’ she said, as we pulled apart.‘Bye!’ Cara replied, waving, and we walked down the stairs, out of her apartment and back into a life I had methodically disrupted.