34. Drowning

Joel.

I hate myself.

I hate myself at the point that I can't see my own face at the mirror.  I feel disgust. Hate.

I feel things toward myself that no one should feel.

I'm a failure, worthless and unloved.

I'm so, so weak and I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel.

I hate the way my father makes me feel.

I'm tired of it. So tired.

I have to visit him tomorrow. My father is making me do it.

And I can't say no. I always can't say no.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to go and see that piece of shit.

Seeing him will remind me...

I tried to protect her and I still...I still am the monster.

I'll always be the monster in their eyes.

I'm just so exhausted.

I want peace, I want quiet, I want my brain to fall asleep and the self-hatred to stop.

I want to stop feeling weak.

I can't believe that I cried in front of her.

But it felt so... she wrapped me in her arms, and it made me feel safe.

No one has ever wrapped me in their arms like that before. Because I never show weakness, the Cullens never show weakness.

But I did.

I showed my weakness in front of my fucking enemy.

And she hugged me and comforted me instead of laughing.

She wiped my tears and played with my hair.

Her tight wrap around me made my worries slip away.

And it felt good. For a couple of minutes, I felt calm, and my brain was quiet.

It felt like I wasn't alone because someone was comforting me.

I'm scared to tell my thoughts to Luke.

I tell him everything, but I can't tell him my fucked up thoughts. I'm afraid that if I tell him that, he'll think I'm weak and worthless too.

I don't want him to think that. I love him so much.

He...he can't see this side of me, or I'll lose him.

I can't lose him, God not him.

''Do you want some company?" a voice snaps me from my thoughts.

I look around the party and find a brunette leaning over to me.

Her eyes are brown instead of hazel.

And her hair is darker than Olivia's.

Why the fuck am I comparing her to Olivia?

The girl raises her eyebrow and I nod at her, making her place to sit on the couch.

I take a sip from my drink, and she shifts closer to me.

''You look very lonely.''  she whispers to my ear.

True. But not that kind of lonely.

''How did you know?" I smirk at her, and she gives me a flirty smile.

I look down at her lips and it feels so wrong. They are not the lips I want to look at.

Not the lips I desire to taste.

The 'I don't know who she is' girl leans in and kisses me. I try to pull away, but she grabs my neck and deepens the kiss, putting her tongue inside my mouth.

I kiss her back.

Olivia's face comes in my mind, and I immediately push the girl away.

I can't fucking think of her when I'm kissing someone else.

''What's wrong?" the girl asks.

''Nothing.''  I say and get up to walk away from her.

I take out the phone from my pocket and look at the time.

Holy fuck it's 12:13 am!

I'm officially fucked up.

''Hey Joel, want another drink?'' Jonas called to me.

''Sorry bro, I've got to go.'' I say rushing out.

''What? It's so early man!" he comes after me.

Early for you, late for me.

"I have to go.'' I tug him by the shoulder and get out of his house.

Starting the car, I look at the messages Luke and Avri has sent me.

There are three from Luke and five from Avril.

Luke: You said you won't be late, where are you?

Luke: Father's home. You should come soon, or he'll figure it out.

Luke: Come home, now.

His last message was two hours ago.

I'm fucked up.

The witch: Where the fuck are you, idiot?

The witch: Tell me where you are so I can cover you up.

The witch: It's getting late, come home if you love your life idiot.

The witch. Joel, I can't cover you anymore!

The witch: Father is mad.

Damn it!

I came to this party just to stay for a little bit because Jonas begged me to.

But I lost fucking track of time.

The house is quiet when I arrive.

Dangerously quiet.

I try not to make any noise as I go inside.

I hope my father is asleep.

Please God be on my side just once.

I walk pats the living room and boom; father is sitting on the couch sipping coffee.

As soon as he watches me, he puts his cup down.

My heart freezes.

''Well, hello mister Joel.'' he says, and I take a deep breath.

''Father I-''

''It's an honor to have you home! Was it hard for you to find the way back here?" he says with a fake smile.

''I-''

"Come sit.'' he interrupts me patting the spot next to him.

I walk quietly and sit.

I feel like a slave who hasn't finished his work at the end of the day and now his owner is going to punish him.

''I'm going to ask you one question Joel.'' he says, ''Where the hell were you?"

"I...'' there is no point lying anyway, he already knows it. ''At a party.''

''Of course you were.'' he scoffs.

He gives me a disgusted look and the stupid pain makes its way back to my chest.

The more he looks at me like that the more I hate myself.

''It was my friend's birthday.'' lie.

''I only wanted to stay a little bit, but he kept me there.'' another lie.

''I'm not saying anything to you Joel, you know why?" he says. ''Because I'm tired of it.''

I'm tired of it too father, but who's asking?

''I'm tired of you, your irresponsibility, your parties, your rebellion, everything! I'm tired of you.'' he says, and the pain hardens.

''How can you be my child?" he says.

My heart drops.

A beep is sounding on my ears.

How can you be my child?

It rings on my ears, making them bleed.

The voice reaches every part of my body, it gets through my veins, it inks my skin.

I hate the pain that its causing.

God, it hurts too much.

It's too much.

Why? Why can't he love me?

I don't want to much I swear, I just want him to love me a little bit.

Just a piece of love, just a small amount so it can make me feel better.

So, it can make me not to hate myself.

How can you be my child?

''Can you...like not show that you don't love me? Can you.... make it less obvious?'' I whisper.

I can't fucking breathe.

I sneak a peek at him, and his face is different.

Surprise mixed with concern is written in his features.

He's not happy...almost sad.

''It just...it doesn't...'' I start scratching my hands. ''It doesn't feel good hearing it every day.''

My breathing is becoming worse. Every inhale is a struggle.

He just stares at me not saying a word.

''I ask permission to leave.'' I whisper and he nods.

''Joel.'' my mom calls when I reach the door to my room.

I rest my head at the door, dragging in slow breaths.

''Can you leave me alone mom? Please.'' I say.

"Honey-''

"Please.'' I enter my room and close the door, letting her out.

I love my mom. I'll do anything for her.

But not now.

Not now.

How can you be my child?

I enter the bathroom and splash cold water at my face.

How can you be my child?

''Joel.'' mom calls, ''He's just protecting you, honey.''

I start scratching my shaky hands with my nails, they are turning red.

How the hell is he protecting me? With not loving me?

How can you be my child?

''Enough! Enough please! Shut up!'' I hit my head with my hands.

''Stop.'' I cry.

They say boys don't cry, but I can't stop it.

I can't stop the pain, the hurt, my brain...oh God my brain!

It's painful.

I try to stop it, but tears won't stop.

''Shut up! Be quiet.'' I whisper and hot tears burn my face.

How can you be my child?

''Be silent.''

I got an itch on my throat and a very painful pain on my chest.

I sit on my bed and cover my face with my hands.

My whole body is shaking, my breathing is hard through my sobs.

And I can't stop. I'm drowning on my own tears.

My phone rings and I look at it through my tears.

It's a message from Olivia.

I read it as my tears keep falling.

Olivia: Did you know that the lizard acts friendly with its prey and then eats it?

Olivia: Unbelievable!

I smile as I read her text.

I'm crying hard because of my father's words and now I'm smiling because of this girl's dump words.

I wipe my tears with my hands and type back.

Me: Is it true or you just came up with it?

Her reply comes immediately.

Olivia: No, it's true! I'm watching a documentary about it.

She's watching the documentary at midnight, and she texted me?

I don't know which one to find weird; her watching the documentary at 12am or her texting me at midnight while watching the documentary.

Olivia never texts me first. It's always me the one who text and annoy her.

Olivia: It reminded me of you.

I read her text and wipe the tears from my eyes, thinking that I read it wrong.

Nope, it's correct. She did text that.

My body has stopped shaking and I'm breathing normally, and I know that it's because of her.

I hate it.

I hate it that she makes me calm down.

Me: You're watching the documentary, and it reminded you of me?

Olivia: No, the lizard reminded me of you.

I laugh.

I'm laughing and sniffing back my tears.

How can this girl make me laugh in a situation like this?

Talking to her makes me forget why I was crying in the first place.

What are you doing to me Olivia Meyer?

Me: I'm taking that as a compliment.

Olivia: *winking emoji*

I stare at the ceiling and blink out the tears.

Talking to her makes my fucked up brain to shut up and the pain on my chest stop.

She is like a medicine to me, a forbidden drug.

But drugs lead to addiction.

And I think that I'm already addicted to her.

I type to her without thinking.

Me: Olivia what do you think of crying?

She replies to me after she reads it.

Olivia: Crying?

Me: Yes.

The dots appear and disappear to many times before her text comes.

Olivia: I think crying is good. It frees you from that heavy ugly feeling when there are no words to say.

Another tear drops as I read her message and I wipe it brutally from my cheek.

I cry my sweet Olivia, but it doesn't free me from the ugly feeling in my chest.

Me: Don't you think its weakness when you cry?

I have no idea why I'm asking her this.

Do I really desire her to tell me that it's okay to cry? And that am not weak?

Am I that desperate to hear it from someone?

Olivia: No. Why would you think that? Crying doesn't mean that you're weak, since birth it has been a sign that you're alive. Crying means that you have feelings, only the ones with no feelings don't cry. Don't feel bad if you're crying Joel, okay?

I smile as I let the tears fall free down my cheek.

I don't reach my hand to wipe them off my face this time.

I let the fall.

Me: Okay.

Olivia: Hey Joel?

She texts after a while.

Me: Yes?

Olivia: Are you okay?

I swallow hard as I read her text.

No, I'm not.

I'm not okay.

Me: Of course I'm okay.

Olivia: Don't be mad with yourself because you cried today, okay? You're a human too and therefore have the right to cry.

I don't know how I am feeling about the fact that she saw me cry.

Olivia: It was a surprise for me seeing you cry, I really thought that you weren't a human. I believed you were a devil or something else but not human.

I laugh while reading that.

Me: To bad, I am a human.

Olivia: Good then don't feel bad about crying.

I smile.

Why the fuck does she sound like a therapist?

My therapist.

Is it weird that your enemy can make you feel better?

Me: Hey Olivia?

Olivia: Yes?

Me: Thanks.

I lie down on my bed, feeling way much better.

Olivia: I didn't do anything.

I smile and put my phone at the nightstand.

I close my eyes with a heavy sigh.

Olivia.

I think I have a hint on Joel's secret.

Yesterday at school I heard him talk to his father right after I hugged him. I wasn't supposed to be there, but I heard Adam Cullen's voice, so I just hid behind a corner to see what was going on. Adam Cullen told him that he needs to see someone, a boy, but he didn't mention the name.

Joel didn't seem so happy about it, he looked hurt.

But to my surprise he didn't say anything. He didn't say no or disagree with his father.

He just nodded.

But I swear that he didn't feel good about it, and it seemed like he didn't want to obey to his father, but he still said yes.

After his father left, I saw him get down to his knees and clutching his chest. His hands were shaking, and he was struggling to breathe.

I have never seen him like this.

He was very different yesterday.

It looked like he was having a panic attack.

I wanted so bad to go and hug him, to wrap him on my arms like I did a couple of minutes ago and tell him that everything is going to be okay. I was fighting with myself not to go close to him.

I couldn't do it because I wasn't supposed to be there.

Every second that passed seeing him like that did something to my chest.

It felt like I was on pain too.

Every breath he was struggling to take it felt like I was struggling too, when he was scratching his shaking hands, I felt the pain in my heart. Every cry, every chest clutching it felt like it was mine.

And I don't know why I felt that way. Why did I feel like I was in pain when I saw him like that when I hate him?

After a while he calms himself down, fixes his appearance and puts on the poker face like nothing had happened.

He left with his signature confident face as if he didn't just have a panic attack.

I'm starting to believe that the Joel everyone sees it's just a facade, a big lie.

The real him is the boy crying in my arms.

I want to know what's wrong with him.

It's not about the secret anymore... it's about him.

I have to find out who he is going to meet today.

I can't follow him, but I have another idea on my mind.

A brilliant idea.

''That's a shitty idea.'' Andy says and I roll my eyes.

"That's a brilliant idea, you idiot.'' I speak.

''Liv, you're telling me, listen, you're fucking telling me that you'll put a tracker in Joel Cullen's car to find who he's going to meet?"

"That's right.'' I say confidently.

''And how, my dear amie are you going to put the tracker in his super glorious car?" he says.

"That's a good question and you're helping me too.'' I wink.

''I did not sign up for this.'' Andy whispers as we sit down close to Joel on the cafeteria.

He raises his head and looks at us in confusion.

His eyes.

His eyes are the most mesmerizing thing I have ever seen.

They are blue, a deep shade of blue.

Every time I look at them it feels like I'm at the bottom of the ocean, drowning.

His eyes are beautiful, but they look sad. They hide too much. Deeper you sink in that ocean more the light disappears.

I want to swim in the ocean of those eyes and find the secret buried on the bottom of it.

''Hi'' I smile and elbow Andy.

"Hi Cullen.'' he forces a smile.

''Hi?" Joel stares.

''So, what are you doing?" I rest my chin at my hand and look at him.

''Same as you're doing, waiting the bell to ring.'' he says, and I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

''Good Cullen, I always thought you were a cool person.'' Andy nods.

"I'm cool because I'm waiting for the bell to ring?'' Joel raises an eyebrow.

''Oui.'' Andy says and I laugh.

He shots me a glare and I cover my mouth with my hand to muffle the laugh.

''Hey Joel, Andy wants to ask you the model of your car but he's shy to ask.'' I say.

"I am?" Andy asks looking at me and I narrow my eyes at him, ''Uh, oui bien sure, I am shy to ask, and I really want to know what your car model is. Oui, oui.''

Joel stares at us confused and sighs.

''It's a R8 black Audi.'' he says.

I love his fucking car for the God's sake.

It's just so beautiful and I want to see it from the inside so bad (a thing that will never happen.)

''Hm, really?" Andy says and then whisper to me ''I fucking knew that.''

I hold back a smile.

''Can I see the key?" Andy says and my eyes widen.

"Will you leave me alone after that?" Joel says.

''You want us to go that bad?" I pout.

"Not you.'' he looks at me and my stomach flutters.

''Okay she can stay, I'm leaving.'' Andy glares.

''That would be wonderful.'' Joel fake smiles and Andy gets up.

''Andy, I'll kill you man.'' I say between my teeth. ''But you wanted to see his key, come on I'm curious too.''

''Right.'' he sits back down and glares at me.

I give him an innocent smile.

Joel gets out his car keys and Andy acts like he's interested on them.

Then he puts them down to the table and asks Joel question about his car.

Surprisingly he answers them all. It looks like Joel Cullen has a soft spot for his car.

I quietly get the keys from the table without Joel noticing and get up.

''I'm going to the bathroom, try not to kill each other until I get back.'' I say walking backward.

They both roll their eyes.

I approach the beauty parked outside in the school's parking place.

Where the hell should I put this tracker?

It will fall if I put it outside, right?

I open the car and Joel's scent envelops me.

Holy God, I'm at my knees!

His car smells like him, and I inhale it with all my heart.

It's weird how much I love his scent.

Should I ask him what perfume he uses?

Hell, nah, that would be weird as fuck!

I study the car and think of a place to put the tracker.

After a goddamn ten minutes I think of a place to put it on.

Under his seat.

He'll never find it.

I close the car and run quickly to the cafeteria. I hope he didn't realize that he's car keys are missing.

⚛⚛⚛⚛

I open my computer as I sit comfortably on my bed.

It's time to see where Joel is going.

I open the tracker installed on my computer and search for Joel's location.

His car isn't moving. It's on his house.

Well, it will move after a while. He will go to that guy today.

I keep my eyes on the unmoving location for twenty minutes straight and it never moved.

Is the tracker broken? Or maybe he went down to hell and there's no signal in there.

I look at the time on my phone and it says 4:13 pm.  He should have left the house know, right? Or did he go there earlier?

I turn at the computer and see that the location is moving.

Finally!

He makes weird turns and I keep my eyes at it all the time.

Where are you going Cullen?

I recognize some of the streets as he keeps driving. And then his location comes to my street.

I frown at it.

Why is he driving to my street?

Does the guy he's meeting live here?

I bite my nail as his location comes close to my house.

He can't come here, right?

His father said that he's going to meet a boy.

Does a boy live here, and I don't know?

You're thinking ridiculous, Olivia, no boy lives here!

The location stops on my house.

MY HOUSE.

Is he here? Oh my God is Joel Cullen here?

I get up and go close to my window, I open the window's door and get out on the balcony.

No car is inside.

Then how...

I grab the computer and look at the location again. It shows that the car is here, but there is no fucking car outside.

My phone vibrates it and I grab it to check the message.

My jaw drops on the floor as I read it.

Joel Cullen: A tracker? Really?

He knows about it?

But how? How? I was so secretive about it. How the fuck did he find out?

I look at the computer and the location at my house.

He hacked it.

I close the computer and drop it on my bed angry.

Fucking Cullen.

How is he so freaking smart?