38. Admitting

Joel

I kissed her.

She was looking at me with those shining hazel eyes and I couldn't resist the desire to get a taste from her. She was looking at me with her lips parted and her cheeks were flushed, her beautiful face was shining under the dim light.

She looked like a goddess, and I was completely at her mercy.

I lost.

I lost the fucking bet.

But I didn't think of the bet or anything else when I kissed her. My brain was quiet and calm.

It felt like she was mine for a minute and I could touch and kiss her as much as I wanted.

It felt like my soul found peace.

But then all of it shattered to pieces when I remembered who she was.

My enemy.

She made me lose my own self control. But it was the most beautiful loss of self control.

Kissing her is the most amazing thing ever and I would never regret doing it, even if it means that I lost the bet.

I told her that I didn't lose the bet and that it's not over because she kissed me back.

I didn't tell her that because of my ego, but because if the bet is over, she won't come close to me again. And I won't go near her again or flirt with her again, because there is no bet to justify our actions.

If the bet is gone, she would be gone to.

She can't be out of my life like that, I can't take it. I can't stay away from her. I need her close to me even if she's only doing it for the bet.

I'm not used to this feeling, I never liked someone this much...or loved.

I'm very confused. And her kissing me back confuses me even more.

Cuz why would she kiss me back? She kissed me like she wanted it as much as I did.

She pulled me closer to herself and held me tightly. But why? If it's all for the bet, why would she kiss me back like that? Why did she held me like she didn't want to let me go?

I wish that she could like me...even for just a little bit.

I wish she could see me more than just her enemy.

But that won't ever happen.

The devil is born to be hated not the opposite.

''What are you thinking about?" someone whispers on my ear and I open my eyes.

I'm still at the party, I sat down at this couch after I left Olivia at that room.

I turn my head and glance at the girl sitting next to me.

She has blonde hair and brown eyes.

I don't like this girl's eyes, Olivia's are prettier.

''My name is Ophelia.'' the girl smiles, ''What's yours?''

''Joel.'' I say looking at her and she smiles showing her teeth.

I could use this girl as a distraction to forget Olivia, Olivia's eyes, Olivia's lips, Olivia's taste.

Every time Olivia takes over my mind, I need another thing to distract me from her or else I can't stop myself from wanting to go and do a stupid thing that I would probably regret later.

But it never works, Olivia never leaves my mind, not a single time, and no girl could replace her.

But I always try. Like a helpless person.

I always try to get Olivia out of my mind and return to the man I was before I met her.

''What are you doing here alone, Joel?" the I-don't-remember-her-name girl says touching my arm.

''I'm not alone, you're here with me.'' I get closer to her, and she giggles.

Her giggle gets on my nerves.

She leans in to kiss me and at the minute she is dragged away from me.

I look up and surprise hits me as I see Olivia in front of me.

She grabbed the girl from her hair and threw her at the ground.

''Ouch!'' the girl groans, ''What the fuck?"

''Tell her to leave or I'll make her, and I promise it won't be that nice.'' Olivia glares at me without sparing a glance at the girl on the ground.

I lean back at the couch and smirk looking at the goddess in front of me.

Is she jealous or I'm hallucinating?

This kinda turned me on.

Olivia's glare hardness and I chuckle.

''Leave, Octavia.'' I say not looking at the girl.

Was her name Octavia?

"It's Ophilia!'' the girl yells and I roll my eyes.

Seems like it wasn't.

''Whatever'' I brush her off and she leaves cursing.

''You forget all your side chick's names?" Olivia asks.

"You seem very jealous.'' I raise my eyebrow at her.

"You wish.'' she scoffs.

I wish.

''You can't kiss me and then kiss other girls as if I mean nothing, Cullen.'' she grabs me by my collar and my eyes widen looking at her.

"You don't mean nothing.'' I say.

You mean everything.

''Then why were you about to kiss her?" she asks.

To forget about you.

"I can kiss who the fuck I want.'' I say closer to her face.

''You can't kiss another girl after you fucking kissed me.'' she yells letting go of my collar.

"Why not?" I ask calmly.

''What the fuck do you mean why not?" she looks at me in disbelief and I laugh at the sudden anger.

My toxic brain is telling me that she likes me and she's jealous about me.

Fuck you, brain, you give my heart hopes and then break them at the end.

''If you can kiss another girl, I can kiss another guy too.'' she says and my eyes narrow.

I get up from the couch and stalk closer to her.

''Actually, I can go to Elli right now.'' she smirks at me, ''We can continue what we started.''

Over my hot dead body.

She turns around to leave and I throw her at my shoulder.

''What the- Joel!" she screams.

She starts kicking my back as I start walking with her over my shoulder.

How the hell is she this light?

''Put me down. Joel!" she shouts, and everyone stares at us as I walk through the room.

I hold her dress not to show up and reveal her underwear with my hand.

And they tell me I'm not a gentleman.

''Put. Me. Down.'' she yells between kicks.

She puts her hands at my shoulders and tries to get down on her feet. I tighten my hold at her waist.

''What the hell, Joel? You're hurting me.'' she says.

"It won't hurt if you stop moving.'' I say and she scratches my back.

Ow, I guess I deserved that.

''Put me dooooown!'' she screams, and I do.

We're at the room where I kissed her.

She takes a look around and frowns at me.

''Why the hell did you scratch me? Are you a fucking cat?" I ask her.

"Why did you bring me here?" she asks me.

''For you to rethink the decision of kissing someone else.'' I say my face becoming serious.

''The hell? You're telling me what to do when you were about to kiss another girl?" she asks, and I leave the room.

''Oh my God, I can't with you anymore.'' she groans, ''You can't avoid me and leave the room all the damn time Joel!'' she says.

"Watch me.'' I close the door and lock it.

''Joel do not.''' she tries to open the door, ''Joel!''

Sorry princess.

''You maniac!" she calls.

I turn around and fuck face is in front of me.

''What are you doing to Olivia?" Elliot asks.

"Why don't you just care about you own damn business?" I clench my teeth.

''You can't treat her like that.'' he says, and I narrow my eyes.

''And who says so? You?" I stalk closer to him.

''You're jealous because she likes me and not you.'' he smirks, and I fist my hand. ''You're boiling from anger because she was going to kiss me.''

''Shut the fuck up.'' I clench my teeth.

''Forget her Joel, she would never be yours.'' he says.

"Shut up.'' I say closer to his face.

''She's mine. She will never-'' I punch him.

''I said shut up.'' I say and punch him again.

He comes to me and tries to punch me, but I dodge it and kick him at his stomach.

He groans and punches my jaw.

Shit. That was a strong punch.

I kick at his stomach with my knee, and he falls on the ground. I go on top of him and punch him at his face. He struggles to fight as I punch him over and over again.

''My father is very powerful.'' he coughs and blood falls from his mouth.

"What a coincidence, so is mine.'' I punch him again.

I stop hitting him and watch him. He is struggling to breath and blood is on his nose and mouth.

I fucked him up.

I did it again.

I'm sorry Avril, I broke the promise again.

He coughs and I get up to get away from him.

''Joel?'' Olivia screams.

I forgot that she was here, behind that door. Did she hear all that? Did she hear what kind of monster I am?

Does she hate me more now?

''Joel are you okay?" she cries out and my heartbeat drops.

''Say something.'' she tries to open the door.

I stay in place unable to move or speak.

She's asking if...I'm okay?  She's asking Me, if I'm okay.

Why is she asking me that? Nobody has ever asked me that before.

Every time I fight, they ask me why I did it, never if I'm okay.

Does she...care about me?

''Joel?'' she calls again, ''Just say something or yell at me to shut up, just do something.'' she says her voice vulnerable.

A tear runs down my cheek.

''Joel please.'' she cries, and I leave.

Sorry princess I can't do this.

Olivia.

''Joel?" I try to open the stupid door.

No voices are coming from the other side, and I'm scared shitless for him.

I was trying to open the door when I heard Joel shout to Elli to shut up. I couldn't hear what Elli said to Joel though. Then the fight started, and I could hear the punches and the groaning very well.

But now is very silent. Like a funeral silent.

''Joel are you okay?" I ask for the millionth time.

He's okay right? He needs to be okay; I need him to be okay. I don't know why the fuck I'm so worried about him.

Is the fight over? Did they leave?

Suddenly the door opens, and I'm faced with a bloody faced Elli.

I gasp when I look at him.

''Olivia.'' he says.

I look behind him and Joel is nowhere to be seen.

''Where's Joel? Is he okay?" I ask and Elli laughs.

I frown at him, worry creeps inside of me.

''You see me at this state and the first thing that you ask me is if Joel is, okay?" he asks and my face drops.

''I'm so sorry.'' I say and he shakes his head, ''Are you okay?" I ask.

He leaves holding to the wall.

''Elli.'' I call behind him, but I don't follow him.

I need to make sure if Joel is okay.

I find him outside. He's in his car with his head leaned on the seat and his eyes closed.

I study his face carefully from afar, there is a light cut at his lip.

I let out a deep breath after seeing him unharmed.

His brows furrow and he starts hitting the seat with the back of his head repeatedly.

I want to go there and stop him from doing that, because that will hurt him.

I want to go there and kiss him and hug him. I want to tell him that everything is okay.

But I can't do that. I hate it that I can't.

⚛⚛⚛⚛

Joel was very silent at the bus when we were returning home. He didn't look at me or say anything at me. He put on his headphones and closed his eyes, and I was left with watching him the whole trip.

Our parents came to pick us up from the school when we arrived as everyone's parents did...well except the Cullens. Their driver came to pick them up. Sadness filled my stomach when I saw their faces. There was no emotion there, just blank and that's what makes me sadder.

''So, how was the trip?" mom asks from the front seat.

''It was amazing.'' I say and start telling them everything, well except Joel everything.

''Did anything change from the trip?" dad asks.

Yes.

My feeling for Joel Cullen.

And I got my second first kiss.

A real kiss.

''Nope.'' I smile.

''Did you do any stupid things pumpkin?" dad asks.

''No, not at all. I was such a good girl.'' I lie.

''I kissed him.'' I enter Lucy's room and she frowns at me looking up from her book, ''I mean he kissed me, but I kissed him back. So, basically, I kissed him.'' I explain and Lucy blinks.

She opens her mouth and I interrupt her, ''And I told him that he lost the bet, but then he told me that he didn't because I kissed him back. Can you believe it? He has the audacity to tell me that!''

''Well...'' she says confused.

"Yeah, I was left speechless too.'' I sit on her bed.

''You two kissed?" she asks me.

"Yes. And I like him, and I'm in big trouble.'' I confess.

''What?" the gasps looking at me.

''Finally!'' she says and I frown at her.

"Finally what?" I ask her.

''Finally you admitted it.'' she says.

"I-'' I narrow my eyes at her and hit her with a pillow.

She starts laughing and I groan. ''It's not funny Lucy, this is a disaster."

"Why is it a disaster?" she asks.

''I can't like my enemy.'' I lie flat at her bed.

I can't just like him when we're supposed to hate each other. Two enemies can't be together, we're destined to destroy each other, it's on our family, it's on us.

''I'm sure he likes you.'' Lucy smiles.

"Even if he liked me, we two can never be a thing, Lucy.'' I say and she hugs me.

''How are you feeling about this?" she asks, and I shrug.

I feel...sad and angry. I'm angry at my parents that they gave me an enemy. And I'm sad at our fate.

I felt so desperate watching Joel at his car last night and I will feel like that forever.

I will always be the one who watches him from afar but never the one who's close to him.

***

One week has passed and me and Joel never spoke to each other.

He always looks at me, but never speaks to me. And that just breaks my heart.

But he doesn't look good, he looks exhausted.

All the Cullen siblings look like that in fact. I wonder what happened to them and I want to find the reason of this sudden mood change.

I have to fight this bad urge to go and hug Joel.

Me and Lucy enter the cafeteria and I check our place to see if Joel is there.

He is.

The three of them are hugging each other.

I stop Lucy and point at them; her eyes widen as she looks at their direction.

We glance at each other and then shift our gaze to the Cullen moment.

Avril shows her brothers off her and then wipes her tears. The two of them laugh and rub Avril's hair.

''What happened to them?' Andy whispers out of nowhere and me and Lucy flinch.

"Oh my God where did you come from?" Lucy whispers with a hand to her chest.

''You fucking scared me.'' I whisper glaring at him.

''Desole.'' he whispers.

''What's wrong with them?" Andy whispers.

"I don't know, we just saw them hugging and crying.'' I whisper looking at Joel.

"Maybe one of their relative died.'' Andy whispers.

"What are you saying?" Lucy whisper-yells and Andy shrugs.

''Why are we whispering?" he whispers.

"You whispered first.'' I say stopping the whispering thing.

I glance back at the Cullens, and they returned to their 'I don't give a fuck' self.

Really?

''Oh, they're back.'' Andy looks at them and then walks toward our place.

I roll my eyes at him.

We get close to our table, and I look at Joel. He's looking at his phone with a blank expression. The hold on his phone is very tight. He looks up and our eyes meet, I look away as I sit down at the couch.

He's still looking at me when I shift my eyes at him again.

He puts his phone at his pocket and leans his head on the couch and continues watching me.

His gaze is not hated, or anything else, he's just looking at me like a child would look at something he's curious of. He looks at me peacefully without saying anything.

His gaze is making me feel uncomfortable. I continue talking with Andy but can't stop my eyes from shifting at his.

I look at him again and the corner of his lips turn into a light smile. My eyes widen.

Is he smiling?

My phone vibrates.

''Oh, Royal Academy News posted. Who's the victim?" Andy says looking at his phone.

RAN posted? Oh God I hope it's not about me and Joel.

My jaw hits the floor as I read the post.

''Luke Cullen is getting married?" Andy gasps.

"No way.'' I whisper and look up at the Cullens.

They look at their phones terrified.

Gasping and talking erupt around us as the others read the post.

''I need to go to the library, I forgot my book.'' Lucy rushes out.

I frown at her.

"Cherie.'' Andy calls, ''This is not the moment for books.''

Soon Luke gets up too and leaves the cafeteria.

What in the Royal Academy News is going on?