39. Feelings and Confessions.

A/N

It's all fun and games... until someone falls in love.

Joel

*Last night*

''Help!'' I burst in Luke's room.

His head snaps up from the book he's reading, and he looks at me worried.

''What happened?" he asks putting a bookmark on his book before dropping it on his bed.

''You need to help me; I can't get her out of my mind I think I'm going insane.'' I say pacing around the room.

''Olivia again?" he asks.

"There is always Olivia.'' I look at him annoyed.

It's been one week since I kissed her.

One week and that kiss is still stuck on my head.

One week and my heart is giving me stupid emotions.

I can't stop thinking about her and I want her close to me so badly.

It wasn't like this before.

This is too strong. Too powerful.

The kiss made it worse.

Because one kiss from her was all it needed to make me be obsessed with her.

I lie down on Luke's bed and close my eyes.

''It's been one week since I don't go close to her, Luke.'' I say, ''Because I can't be close to her and not be able to kiss and hold her. I can't and this is killing me.''

''You want to talk to her?" he asks.

"So badly.'' I breath out.

I miss our conversations. I miss our flirty exchange of words. Hell, I think I even miss the times when she cursed me and yelled at me.

I want that thing we had at the trip again. We were away from our families, and we were free. I want that free talking with her when we were playing the video game like two normal people.

I want that normal moment with her again.

I want her.

I want to be her friend, I want to be the one she talks to and tells her deepest secrets. I want to stay with her all the time, I want to hug her, I want to play with her hair, I want to kiss her.

I want her to smile at me and only me, I want her to come sit beside me in a room full of people. I want to be the person she likes the most. I want to be her best friend, not Andy. I want her to laugh with me, because her laugh is the best sound, I have ever heard. I want to be her lover. I want to be the person she talks to every night and every day.

I want to be the person she falls in love with.

I don't want to be her enemy anymore.

I should hate her, but I can't. I tried hating her. I really did, but it's impossible now. I can't hate her, I can't stay away from her, can't stop thinking about her, I can't stop myself from wanting to kiss her. I can't and it's killing me. She's killing me.

And the worst part is that I know she would never be mine.

''Luke.'' I whisper.

"Hm?"

''I think I'm in love with Olivia Meyer.'' I say and he stares at me, silence takes over the room.

''What?" Avril bursts in the room.

I sit up and look at her wide eyed.

''You're eavesdropping our conversation?" I yell.

"You're in love with Olivia Meyer?" she yells back.

"I said I Think I'm in love, not I am!'' I say.

"Still.'' she scoffs.

''What the fuck is wrong with you? You Think you're in Love with our Enemy?" she yells.

"Fuck off Avril.''  I yell.

"Don't fuck off me you little shit.''

''Please, lower your voices, we don't want father to find out.'' Luke says and concern flashes on our faces.

''Close the door, Avril.'' he says, and she does.

''Are you sure about that Joel?" Luke turns at me.

''I don't know man, I'm confused.'' I cover my face with my hands.

"You're confused? I'm fucking confused bro.'' Avril says, and I shoot her a glare.

''When did this begin?'' Luke asks ignoring Avril.

''I don't know.'' I say staring at my hands.

I have no idea when the hate of Olivia vanished. Or was the hate really there?

Or was it just a defense mechanism my brain did to hide my true emotions?

''So what, you just woke up one day and decided to love Olivia?" Avril asks and I look at her.

"Can you shut the fuck up?" I say and she rolls her eyes. ''Also why are you still here? Get out''

''No sir.'' she sits down beside me, ''You're not letting me out of this.''

I groan and lay back on the bed.

''What do you feel?" she asks, and I raise an eyebrow on her.

"You're asking me how I feel?" I ask her and she rolls her eyes nodding.

Weird.

''I feel a strange thing on my chest whenever I see her, I feel her presence and I can sense her scent. Like she could walk in a room and my eyes would immediately snap in her direction. And the worst thing is, I can't tear my eyes from her, I can't get enough from looking at her. I would look at her all day and never get tired of it and would continue doing so every day that comes. Her presence makes me feel light and happy, but I feel nervous and sad at the same time because she's not enough close to me.'' I breath out.

It's weird...that I can talk about her so much and would never run out of words.

''Yeah, our brother is a lost cause.'' Avril says and I hit her with a pillow.

''I think you are actually in love, Joel.'' Luke says clearing his throat.

"No shit, Sherlock. '' Avril says, ''He's too much in love, he can't be saved.'' she shakes her head and I look at her terrified.

''What are you going to do?" Luke asks me.

Suffer in silence like I always do.

''Nothing.'' I swallow.

"Nothing?" Avril raises to her feet, ''The fuck you mean nothing? You're in love and you're going to do nothing?''

My brows furrow at her sudden change of attitude.

''What the hell do you want me to do, go there and ask her out?'' I say and she looks at me.

"You can't be serious.'' I say.

''Well, you can't do nothing when you're in love Joel. You have to fight for it, don't be a fucking loser.'' she says, and I stare at her.

I glance at Luke and he's looking at Avril surprised.

''Who the fuck are you and what have you done to my twin?" I ask and she rolls her eyes.

"You may not know dear brother, but I have a soft spot for love, I'm fully supportive of it.'' she says.

"Since when?'' I look at her.

"Since forever.''

I raise my eyebrows at her, not believing it.

''And as much as I hate Olivia Meyer, I'm supporting your love.'' she says, and I look at her with a strange feeling on my chest.

''I'm supporting Your Love not you.'' she says.

"It's the same thing.'' I say.

"No, it's not.'' she says, and I roll my eyes.

''Does Olivia feel the same way about you?" Luke asks and my chest stings.

"No.'' I swallow, ''She hates me.''

''I don't think she hates you, Joel.'' Luke says and I look at him, hope clinging to me.

''How do you know?" I ask.

"By the way she looks at you, there's no hate in her eyes. At least not anymore.'' he says, and I shake my head.

Bullshit.

He doesn't see what I see.

Olivia hates me, she despises me. She can't even look at me.

I don't blame her anyway.

Because why a person like her, would love someone like me?

''How did you end up falling for Olivia Meyer, man?" Avril sits next to me.

''As if I knew.'' I sigh.

A knock comes to our room and our heads snap at its direction.

''Little ones, '' Aunt Becca's head

comes into view, ''Your father wants to meet you in his office.''

We look at each other as she leaves.

''Did he hear that I love Olivia Meyer?" I whisper.

"I'll bring roses on your funeral.'' Avril taps my shoulder.

The three of us are standing in front of his desk, waiting for him to speak.

''Luke.'' he calls and all of us wait for the next words.

''You're getting married.'' he says.

His words ring on my ears.

Cold.

His words feel like cold water dropped all over your body over and over until you're left shaking to the bones.

Married he said.

What the fuck does he mean with married?

Luke hasn't graduated yet.

Father gets up from his desk and approaches Luke.

''Your fiancé's name is Samantha Miller. Daughter of Eliah and Georgia Miller. They rule a very powerful company in San Francisco, which we need to cooperate with. This marriage will help the companies build the so needed partnership.'' he says and the three of us stare at him unable to say a thing.

I'm so shocked that I can't even think anymore.

He's going to marry Luke with a girl we don't know who the fuck is?

No.

No, this is not true.

This can't be happening.

''What do you say?" father asks him and I look at Luke.

''I... Whatever you say is the best father.'' Luke says and my face drops.

How can he say that? How can he agree to it as if it is nothing?

''But-'' I start, and father's stare cuts me.

"Yes Joel?'' he says and I swallow.

''How can he be married when he hasn't graduated yet?" I manage to say.

''He's going to marry after graduation.'' father says. ''Anything else?"

I look at Luke and he shakes his head.

"No.'' I say.

My heart has fallen at my feet.

''Very well.'' father clasps his hands, ''We're going to meet the Miller family tomorrow at lunch. I want everyone to be there. You may leave now.'' he says, and we leave with a good night.

''What the fuck was that?" Avril asks as soon as we're outside. ''You're gonna get married?"

''Seems like that.'' Luke says calmly.

How can he be calm on a situation like this?

''No.'' I say, ''This is not happening, you can't get married.''

"Joel-'' he starts.

"No.'' I interrupt him, ''How can you agree to this? You can't get fucking married!"

''We can't do anything.'' he says.

''But there has to be something.'' I say desperately.

''Joel is right.'' Avril says, ''You can't get married and ruin your life. You're only eighteen, what about college for the God's sake?!''

"He's ruining your life.'' I say, ''He's ruining your life, and he only cares about his stupid company!''

Luke says nothing.

He stares at his hands absolutely silent.

''You should have said something!" I tug at my hair, ''We should have said something. We shouldn't have agreed on this.''

''I couldn't say no Joel and you know it more than I do.'' he looks at me.

I swallow.

I know that. I hate it that I know it.

''We still need to do something.'' Avril says and I nod.

"We can't do anything.'' Luke says.

''You can't get married with some girl you don't know, Luke.'' she says.

''What other choice do I have?" his voice breaks.

''I'm going to ask mom to help us.'' I say

Mom will help us. She'll tell dad to break the marriage. She'll do it, I believe on her.

''Yeah, right.'' Avril says ironically.

"She'll do it.'' I say, ''She'll help us.''

Avril and Luke look at me with a sad face.

''Don't look at me like that.'' I say, ''She'll help us, I believe on her.''

Avril shakes her head wiping her tears.

I turn to leave, but Luke stops me.

"Joel, just don't. I don't want you to get hurt and disappointed.'' his word make my chest fill with pain.

''I believe on mom Luke.'' I say, ''You'll see that she will do it.''

''Mom?" I enter her bedroom.

She's sitting in front of her mirror brushing her hair.

She's here physically, but not mentally. Her mind seems to be somewhere far away. Her eyes look so empty, there is no reflection on them.

I sit down beside her and hug her. She doesn't hug me back; she continues the hair brushing.

My heart breaks all over again.

I touch a red strain of her hair and smell it. Her hair smells like home.

''Mom, father is going to marry Luke.'' I say, ''You're not going to allow that right?"

She still doesn't acknowledge me.

''He can't get married mom. His life will be ruined, he's just eighteen, he needs to go to college and work on his life. You can't let that happen, right mom?" I say and lean my head on her shoulder.

She continues the hair brushing, looking straightforward to the mirror.

I hug her tightly, trying to stop myself from crying. ''Mom'' I whisper, ''Mom, I need you. I need you so much, I can't do this anymore. We all need you, please come back. Come back to us.''

I'm hugging her, but she's not hugging me back.

''I'm tired mom. So, so tired. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of being this broken. I'm sick of this heavy heart on my chest. I'm sick of carrying it every day. I need someone, mom. I need you to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'm going to be fine. I need you to protect us. I... I just need my mom.'' I breathe out.

''Please do something.'' I look at her, ''Don't let him do that to Luke, please.''

She stands still unblinking. But she has stopped brushing her hair.

''Mom?" I call touching her cheek, ''Do you hear me? It's me, Joel''

She looks at me, blinks and her brows furrow.

''It's me.'' I repeat, ''Your son. It's Joel.'' I say as a tear slips from my eyes.

''Joel.'' she smiles.

An empty smile.

''Hi mom.'' I smile back at her, ''You're not letting father marry Luke, right?" I ask with a bit of hope.

She looks at me and then brushes my hair.

"How was school honey?" my heart drops.

My heart starts crying and weeping inside its cage.

A tear falls down my cheek and I wipe it with the back of my hand.

"It was good mom.'' I nod, ''School was good.''

I kiss her on the forehead and get out, closing the door slowly.

Luke and Avril look at me as I arrive at the top of the stairs.

They look at my terrible state and nod. I can see that they got their heart broken again.

''I told you.'' Avril says between tears as she walks toward her room.

I enter my bedroom and slip on the floor. I sit with my back against the door and cry.

I let it all out. The anger, the sadness, the disappointment. I cry.

I reach for my phone at my pocket through sobs.

I go to my gallery and play Olivia's video when she's singing to me.

Putting on my headphones, I rest my head at the door and listen to her voice and it calms me.

My heartbeat goes to normal and my breathing too.

Her voice calms my heart, but it doesn't heal it.

It still hurts like hell.

Can you die from a broken heart?

Cuz, I feel like I might be dying from all this pain.

*Today*

''What the hell are we going to do now?" Avril whispers looking at her phone.

Fucking Royal Academy News!

''I don't know.'' I sigh rubbing my forehead.

Luke left.

I know that he's just acting strong and unaffected, but he's broken just like the rest of us.

I envy him for his patience and well held emotions.

''The fuck?'' Andy says, ''He's getting married?''

''Hey Joel.'' he calls me, but I don't turn to look at him.

My elbows are on the table and my face is between my hands.

''Is it true that your brother is getting married?" he asks and I clench my teeth.

Just mind your damn business, idiot.

''Yo-''

''Leave him alone Andy.'' Olivia's soft voice interrupts him. ''Let's just go.''

''Pourquoi?'' Andy complains, ''Wait, we need to find out what's happening.''

"Get up.'' she tugs him by his arm.

''Not good chérie, not good.''

She drags him with her, and I look at her face.

Beautiful.

Painfully beautiful.

Suddenly her head is turned at my direction and she... smiles at me.

My heart does a weird thing on my chest.

She's smiling at me?

Is the first time she's smiling at me. And it's a real smile, a real cute one, but it has some pity on it.

She feels sorry for me?

She shouldn't.

And she shouldn't be smiling at me.

I narrow my eyes and glare at her, and her smile drops. She looks away quickly and leaves with Andy.

My heart breaks to pieces.

Avril slaps my arm. Hard.

''What was that for?" I look at her, clutching my arm.

''She just smiled at you and you fucking Glare at her!?'' she gawks at me, ''Are you an idiot, you idiot?"

"Are you asking me if I'm an idiot while calling me an idiot?" I look at her annoyed and she slaps the back of my head.

''Auch, stop it!'' I push her away.

'''Why didn't you smile back?" she asks.

''I don't want her to get close to me.'' I admit quietly.

''What the fuck?" she curses, ''You were crying last night that she wasn't enough close to you and now you don't want her to be close to you, you fucking bipolar?''

''You don't understand.'' I say.

''No, I don't.'' she puts her hands in the air.

I can't allow her to get close to me, otherwise I won't be able to let her go.

''Stop scaring her away, Joel.'' she looks at me.

''I have to.'' I swallow, ''Me and her it's an impossible thing Avril, it's better if she stays away.''

''You're such a coward.'' she leaves, and I stare at my hands.

My phone vibrates with a message, and I clench my teeth as I read it.

Father: Come to our family's restaurant at 1pm. Don't be late.

We are going to meet the Miller family.

Luke's fiance.

How fucking ridiculous is this?

I saw her picture today, Avril found her on Instagram. She has black hair and dark brown eyes. She has a pretty face though; I can't say that she's ugly. But she's not the right person for Luke. From all I could see from the pictures, she seemed like an outgoing person, extrovert that likes crowds and parties. All the opposite from Luke.

And she wears to much purple, I was sick from the purple color because of her pictures.

And I hate her. She's stupid. I haven't met her, but I know that she's stupid.

She's just a stupid girl.

And she's going to be my fucking sister-in-law.

Luke's wife.

I lean my head back and groan.

I hate this fucking situation.

''Joel?" A soft voice calls and my heartbeat quickens, ''Are you okay?" Olivia asks.

''Yeah, I'm fine.'' I say clearing my throat.

''Are you sure?" she says looking down at me.

No, I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I can't stay this close to her without being able to hug her and kiss her.

Because I need a hug from her so much.

I need it as I need my breath.

''Yes.'' I let out a shaky breath and get up to leave.

''Joel.'' she touches my arm, stopping me.

Breathing is getting hard for me. I struggle to inhale and to exhale the air from my lungs.

Her touch burns.

It burns my skin.

I touch her hand gently and drop it from my arm.

She looks at her hand and whispers, ''Sorry.''

''Is there something wrong?'' she asks, ''You... you don't seem okay.''

She needs to stop.

She needs to stop doing this to me. Because I can't take this, this is too much.

Too much.

''You... stop, okay?" I breath out and she looks at me confused.

''I didn't do anything to you.'' she whispers.

''Stop.'' I raise my voice, ''Sop acting like you care about me when you actually don't.''

''But I-''

''Stay away from me, you hear me?" I interrupt her, ''I FUCKING HATE YOU!''

She stares at me, her chest raising and falling, and I leave the cafeteria.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

I need to punch something.

☯☯☯☯

''She wasn't bad.'' Luke says as we enter his room.

We came back from the meeting with the Miller family.

I have no idea how I survived that bullshit of a dinner.

''She wasn't bad?!'' Avril gasps, ''She was a fucking bitch!"

"Careful with the language, please.'' he sits down on his bed.

That girl was a hell of a headache.

She talked like a fucking little girl and was more spoiled than a princess on a palace.

Her voice annoyed the fuck out of me.

And the way she threw her hair behind her shoulders, million times made me sick.

She continued talking and talking about clothes and new shops and I wanted to poke her eyes out with my fork.

''She was such a pick me girl.'' Avril sits down, ''I hate her so much.''

''I have to say, I hate her too.'' I say.

We both look at Luke who isn't saying anything.

''You don't hate her?" Avril asks him and he shrugs.

"She hasn't done anything to me, she's trapped in this marriage as much as I am.'' he says.

''What are we going to do to stops this?" I rub my forehead.

''What if we ask Samantha to stop the marriage?" Avril asks and our heads snap at her.

''Will she agree to that?" Luke asks.

"We have to try.'' Avril says.

''Ask her that when you two meet again tomorrow.'' I say. ''Maybe her father isn't like ours.''

☯☯☯☯

We're in math class.

The teacher is explaining geometry.

Olivia's desk is far away from mine. I have to fight myself from dragging it backwards.

I'm too focused on Olivia than on the lesson and the triangles the teacher is explaining.

Her hair is beautiful.

My phone rings with a call from father.

I frown at it.

''Excuse me miss?" I raise my hand, ''May I go to the restroom?"

I leave the classroom as the teacher dismisses me.

''Yes father?" I answer.

''What are you doing Joel?" his sharp voice says.

''I was at the class, father.'' I say.

''You're not doing anything stupid, are you? Considering Luke is not there to hold you and your stupid behavior.'' he says, and I swallow.

He has zero trust on me.

''I'm not, father.'' I say.

"And you won't.'' he says, ''Listen here Joel, do not try to ruin this marriage. I'm not a fool, I know that you three are trying to do something to stop this, but it won't work.''

I gulp as he talks.

''You're the one with the genius stupid plans to destroy the company, so I'm telling you to stop thinking whatever you are thinking. Do you understand?"

"Yes, father.'' I say, my fist clenching.

''If this marriage is ruined, you're going to take Luke's place.'' he says and my face drops.

What?

''You're going to marry me if this marriage doesn't work?" I ask.

"Yes. I have plenty company partners with young daughters, I'm sure they would be pleased to have us as in laws.'' he threatens, ''Do not make a wrong move Joel, I'm warning you. Or you're going to say goodbye to your teenage days.''

''Do you understand?" he says.

I take a deep breath before answer, ''Yes, father.''

''You would be useful if I married you, but we'll talk about that another time. This is for now.'' he hangs up the phone.

You would be useful if I married you.

I'm struggling to breath.

Oh God not again.

Not again, please.

You're useless.

Shut up.

Disappointment.

Shut up please.

Nobody loves you.

I walk from the hallway toward the pool. My whole body is shaking and I'm struggling to breath.

I got an itch on my throat and my chest is on pain.

I hate this. I hate it when this happens.

I hate it that I can't stop this panic attack grabbing a hold of me.

When will you stop being a disappointment?

Stop.

I arrive the pool and fall on the ground, leaning my back against the wall.

I try to breath and calm myself down.

But it doesn't work.

Because my brain is my number one enemy.

You're a horrible person.

You're worthless.

No one likes you.

Everyone hates you.

Stop please, I beg you.

Stop.

I open my phone with shaky hands as my lungs start hurting from the lack of breath.

I put on Olivia's singing video and listen to it to calm down.

It's not working.

Useless.

''Come on, please.'' I cry, ''Help me.''

Please.

I put my hands on the cold floor, struggling to breathe as my body shakes.

Why?

Why is he doing this to me? Why does he make me feel this way?

All the damn time.

I lie down and try to control it.

But I can't.

This is the longest panic attack I have ever had, caused from my father.

I get my phone again and text Olivia.

Me: Come to the pool.

Me: Please.

I know she won't come. Why would she?

My own father doesn't care about me why would my enemy do?

I curl like a ball, as the shaking continues, my heart going wild on my chest and my breathing is still a struggle.

After a minute I feel a gentle touch on my shoulders.

''Hey.'' Olivia whispers and I take in a deep breath.

I look up at her and shift on a sitting position.

She looks at my horrible state and knees in front of me.

''Shh, it's okay.'' she grabs my face on her hands, ''You're okay.''

''Take a deep breath.'' she says, and I do.

''Breathe with your nose.'' she says pushing my hair out of my forehead, ''You can do this.''

My breathing comes to normal a little and she smiles.

It feels good breathing again.

''There you go, good job.'' she places a kiss on my forehead.

My chest bursts out in flames at that sudden move.

She realizes what she did and then shifts a little bit away from me.

No.

I grab her waist and hug her.

''Don't go.'' I breathe out, ''Please.''

I put my arms around her hips and drop my head at her lap.

And she hugs me. She shields my body with her own, she kisses my forehead again and presses her cheek at my temple.

And I break.

I start crying on her arms, shaking violently.

And she holds me tightly, brushing my hair with her fingers.

''Will you tell me what's wrong?" she asks quietly after I'm calmed down.

Our position is the same, she's still holding me, and I feel good.

I shake my head.

''You don't want to tell me?" she asks, and I nod.

''Okay.'' she says, ''You can tell me whenever you like, okay?" she says, and I nod again.

I get up and she looks at me smiling.

She's smiling at me, and I like it.

I look at her beautiful face with a painful sting on my chest.

How beautiful would it be if she was mine?

Mine to kiss, mine to hug, only mine. I would hold her on my arms forever.

I hold her face between my hands and look at her eyes. There is question on them.

''What have you done to me?'' I whisper and she looks at me confused.

''I'm falling so hard for you.''I say.

''What-'' I kiss her.

She gasps as my lips connect with hers.

I back away to look at her reaction and she licks her lips, frowning.

Her breath is hitched as she looks at me.

I kiss her again.

''You're making me go insane.'' I whisper on her lips, ''I can't stop thinking about you, your lips, your taste, your scent.''

I kiss her lips, her cheek, her jaw.

And she stays in place unmoving with a strange look on her eyes.

''You win.'' I look at her before kissing her again.

It's strange, that she's letting me kiss her, and she's not doing anything to stop me.

''I don't care about the bet or anything else,'' I say between kisses, ''You win, I lost. You can do whatever you want with me, I don't care.''

I realize that my hands are shaking as I push her hair out of her face.

''I'm falling in love with you Olivia Meyer and day by day is harder.'' I whisper looking at her wide eyes.

''I thought you hated me.'' she whispers.

''I thought I hated you too.'' I say and kiss her.

This time she kisses me back.

She puts her arms around my neck and pulls me closer.

She kisses me with a passion I have never felt before.

I touch her waist, her shoulder, her neck, her cheek, her hair and I kiss her with a desperate need.

I found out something, I love kissing Olivia Meyer.

And I love the taste of strawberries now.

We break the kiss and I rest my forehead on hers.

"Can I ask you something?" I whisper and she nods, her forest-like eyes shine looking at me.

''Do you still hate me?'' I ask.

She makes a thoughtful face and my heart bums loudly on my chest.

I don't think I can handle another panic attack if she says that she still hates me.

''I could lie very easily.'' she says and gives a light kiss on my lips and my breath hitches, ''But I won't.''

''I don't think I still hate you.'' she says.

"You don't?" I ask with hope.

"I don't.'' she shakes her head and I smile.

''Fucker.'' she hits my chest and I laugh.

I feel my heart very light; it feels like I have reached the clouds of happiness.

I missed this free feeling on my chest. It's weird that it only comes when Olivia is with me.

Is she my happy feeling?