CH 52

#52

Even Yihan was surprised after saying that. At that moment, Yihan really wanted to grab himself by the collar. He really had no idea why everything didn’t work as he wished when he was in front of Yeon Hwawoon. He only felt upset without knowing it. He strangely didn’t like how Hwawoon acted like he had nothing to do with what the emperor said or did.

If the love shouted by the past Yeon Hwawoon couldn’t reach Yihan as love, all the emotions shown by the current Yeon Hwawoon looked like none of them was love.

Even so, he didn’t mean to say that. There was no need to say that to someone, who came to express his gratitude and even prepared snacks.

“It’s not that I’ve changed, just that I’ve become a different person. Then, how will you… treat me, Your Majesty…?”

Yihan suddenly recalled the question Hwawoon asked him last time, then he bit his lips unconsciously. An unfamiliar apprehension came over him. It seemed as though Yeon Hwawoon, who didn’t change but became another person, had no feeling—whatever kind of feeling it was—for him. He knew that was possible. He knew better than anyone else that the emperor’s position wasn’t to be swayed by romantic feelings. However, strangely, that attitude of Yeon Hwawoon pierced hurt somewhere in his heart.

While Yihan couldn’t say anything more, Hwawoon said in front of him.

“… I also know that well, Your Majesty.”

As Hwawoon’s voice trembled, Yihan felt as if his heart also dropped. He felt like shouting because it seemed like someone put a fireball inside his throat, burning his inside. When the one, who looked calm no matter what he said, suddenly turned pale and had his voice trembling, Yihan felt like his mind got distracted completely.

However, actually, Hwawoon’s voice trembled not simply because of that. Hwawoon thought the words the emperor gave him were right, so there was no reason for him to get hurt. However, what shook Hwawoon was that the emperor brought up Yeon Hwawoon’s father.

The problems, which he had left the door closed so that he wouldn’t think deeply, since nothing he could do about them right away, flowed into his mind like the opened floodgates.

Yeon Hwawoon’s family. The very family that loved Yeon Hwawoon the most no matter how bad of a son he was. The moment he was reminded of those, who didn’t even know about their only son’s death, Hwawoon suddenly felt like he was surrounded by cold water.

Without a moment to escape, the rushing water filled Hwawoon’s mouth and blocked his nose. The coldness, which seemed to freeze to the bones, filled his lungs and he couldn’t breathe. He felt that he was not breathing properly, but he did not know how to breathe. His body collapsed and someone firmly caught him.

“… Yeon Hwawoon! Look at me!”

A thunderous voice slowly broke through the icy barrier, which was surrounding Hwawoon. A fiery touch wrapped around Hwawoon’s cheek and hugged his back to share warmth. The living warmth, born like the sun and burned like flames, pulled Hwawoon’s temperature that was falling down. When Hwawoon’s eyes, which dimmed, found back the light, the first thing that came into his eyes was the emperor, Yihan, who had embraced him and talked with a desperate voice.

“Follow me and take a breath! It’s okay. It will be okay. I’m here.”

Hwawoon’s hands, which were shaking due to the pain, grabbed the emperor’s clothes. It was a very weak movement without any force, but Yihan could feel the desperation in those hands.

As if longing for life; like a drowning man asking for help to live. Yeon Hwawoon was holding himself so desperately.

“Your Majesty…”

Hwawoon, who had barely managed to breathe out, called out to the emperor in a low voice like blown candlelight. It was a calling that was close to the feeling of finding a ray of light. The face that gave Hawoon the meaning of life on that day. Hwawoon was instinctively looking for the voice that had dispelled his nightmares when he was suffering from guilt.

Covering Hwawoon’s hand with his big hand, Yihan replied.

“I… I’m here next to you…”

As soon as he heard that, tears came out of Hwawoon’s eyes.

I’ve been hoping to stay next to him for a long time.

He felt sad because the distance got closer only after the two lives were erased from the world in different forms, feeling heartbroken about it; not knowing if he was really allowed to enjoy this.

Yihan, whose eyes were shaking at Hwawoon’s tears, quickly pulled him into his arms and caressed his back. Eventually, Hwawoon, who was holding on by biting his lip, burst into tears in the emperor’s arms.

***

“Is your master still not feeling well?!”

Yihan, who was holding Hwawoon in his arms, raised his voice to Ahjin, who was also surprised and turned pale behind him. Only then, Ahjin, who had come to her senses, hurriedly kneeled down and bowed her head.

“E-everything is this servant’s fault! The little human couldn’t serve His Highness properly. Please punish me!”

“Your Majesty, no. That’s not it.”

Hwawoon, who had been trying to mute his voice until then, was surprised when he heard Ahjin’s voice. He then hurriedly pushed Yihan’s chest with his arms and raised his head. When he burst into tears, he didn’t realize it, but when he came to his senses, he realized that he was acting so helplessly in front of the Emperor and he felt like his blood was cooling down in an instant.

How did I become so weak? Why am I engrossed in self-pity when I received things more than I deserved, and now even acting this shameless in front of His Majesty? He was ashamed of his shameless behavior.

Hwawoon hurriedly wiped his tears-drenched face with his sleeve, then tried to step back from the emperor’s arms. He cleared his voice that was close to hiccuping and opened his mouth.

“Ahjin did nothing wrong. I suddenly… so, I just suddenly…”

However, thoughts did not flow calmly in his head once he panicked, so Hwawoon stuttered without explaining the reason why he suddenly had a seizure. No matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t think of any reason to justify his getting so emotional when he heard about his father.

However, Yihan was not actually listening to what Hwawoon explained. Yihan was just looking at Hwawoon’s face. Eyes that were red from tears and wet cheeks. Actions such as shrugging his shoulders as he kept getting out of breath while crying and then biting his lip to hold it back. As if possessed, Yihan forgot his dignity and sat with one knee on the floor.

This was not his first time seeing Yeon Hwawoon’s crying face. There was more to it. If Yihan was to pick Yeon Hwawoon’s expression, which he probably saw the most, he could pick two scenes where he did evil things and cried. In other words, Yeon Hwawoon’s crying was nothing special to Yihan anymore.

Nevertheless, his face today—the face of Hwawoon crying at him today—was leaving a trace on Yihan’s heart with a very different feeling than before.

“Your Majesty…”

Eunuch Oh, who had approached, carefully supported the emperor. He had no time to stop the majesty emperor from sitting with his knee on the floor because Yihan moved so suddenly. However, Yihan pushed Eunuch Oh’s hand away. He gently wrapped Hwawoon, who was still at a loss in front of his eyes, carefully raising him up, and said,

“Enough. I won’t blame Ahjin, so calm down.”

Hwawoon, who was stuttering to say something, stopped talking and looked up at Yihan. In the eyes of the emperor who drew closer, there was a clear feeling of concern that could not be denied by any means. Hwawoon stared blankly at those eyes as if possessed, and when he tried to blink once, a drop of tears ran down his cheek.

Yihan’s fingers flinched at once. This was because the sensation he felt when he secretly touched the sleeping Hwawoon’s cheek that day suddenly revived. Therefore, Yihan clenched his fists so that no feelings in them could flow out, and said,

“Should I call the doctor for you?”

“It’s fine, Your Majesty. I’m really fine now. I… made a fool of myself in front of you again, Your Majesty.”

As he said so, Hwawoon raised himself completely, and once again pushed out the emperor’s arms, took a step back, and stood alone. Yihan felt more empty at the sense of his skinny body escaping from himself, but he didn’t want to continue holding him, so he gently relaxed his arms and let go of Hwawoon.

Perhaps he actually let go of Hwawoon because he wanted to keep hugging him. The feeling of not wanting to let someone out of his arms was a very unfamiliar sensation to the emperor.

“… It seems you haven’t recovered yet. Go back now and take a rest.”

“Yes, Your Majesty. I’ll… take my leave…”

No words could be exchanged more between Yihan, who had a lot to ask but couldn’t ask anything, and Hwawoon, who had a lot to say but couldn’t say anything. Hence, Hwawoon could only give his greeting and go back, and the emperor couldn’t catch him even though he was heartbroken by that back walking away.

Suddenly, Hwawoon moving away from him seemed to fade like fog, so Yihan did not know how to move from where he stood until Hwawoon’s figure became very invisible.