Chapter 16

"What's going on?" Holly asked as she watched Mermaid putting clothes in a suitcase as though she was packing to leave. "Mermaid, what're you doing?"

She demanded as Mermaid hurriedly moved from her closet to the suitcase. She was in such a rush she didn't even take the time to neatly arrange the clothes.

"Allison," Holly said.

Mermaid stopped.

The fact that she responded to her real name frightened Holly. She knew Mermaid, she knew her heart but she was yet to know Allison. It didn't matter whether it was the same person, the fact was, she was unaware of Mermaid's past and it was building up to the person she was becoming.

When Mermaid turned around, it was Allison looking back at her.

"What's going on?" she asked.

There was fear and panic in her eyes. It was so evident, it was penetrating into her.

"I have to leave the ranch," Mermaid said as she straightened up. Even her posture was different.

"Why?" Holly asked, knowing what she'd long feared had now become reality.

"I don't belong here." She picked up the clothes she'd dropped on the floor and put them in the suitcase.

"You remembered," Holly said.

"Everything," Mermaid said.

"And you're going to leave just like that?" Holly felt like Mermaid was holding her heart in the palm of her hands.

"Yes," Mermaid said.

"Don't they deserve a proper goodbye?" Holly asked, taking herself out of the equation as she referred to her family.

"They do, but I'm not brave enough to do it," she said.

"Mermaid." How could it have come to this so soon? Why was she leaving? And why in such a hurry? Hadn't she said she wanted to live there in the ranch?

"My name is Allison," Mermaid said.

Holly felt her heart breaking. "What about us?" She took a step forward, desperately wanting to reach for her.

"There is no us."

An uncontrollable wave of anguish overcame Holly. "What are you saying?" This wasn't Mermaid. She couldn't be the one standing there, saying those horrible words.

"I wasn't myself." She turned away from Holly.

"So everything that happened..." Holly could feel the tears burning the back of her eyes.

"Wasn't real," Mermaid finished the statement for her.

"So this is how it ends?" Holly asked, her voice heavy with emotion.

*

Mermaid took a deep breath. She was doing everything she could not to go to Holly. There was a part of her that wished she'd drowned in that sea. Why had she been spared? To come and hurt these innocent people? She'd given up. She'd died. Why was she still alive? Hadn't she suffered enough? And now, here she was inflicting pain on the woman she loved.

If Owen had not seen her face that day at the supermarket, she would have happily continued living her life in the Mackenzie ranch because it was the happiest she'd ever been in her entire life.

But the fact that he had, the fact that he'd recognized her from the shocked look across his face, that changed everything. It was just a matter of time until Shawn came for her.

She'd witnessed him kill a man. She knew he'd not hesitate to kill any one of the Mackenzie's or anyone else that got in his way. She couldn't risk putting them in such danger. Not when she'd come to love them so much, which was why she was being so cold to Holly. She could not submit to weakness when the result meant causing her harm.

"Yes," she said, answering her earlier question.

She couldn't bring herself to stand there and hurt Holly anymore, so she picked up her suitcase and headed for the door.

"Allison."

She stopped, feeling like the name did not belong to her. She was no longer that person. In this ranch, in these people's lives, she was Mermaid.

"What did you remember?"

She couldn't bring herself to answer her, even though she knew she owed Holly an explanation.

"What did you remember that scared you so much, you'd rather run away than face it?"

Mermaid had to remind herself that no one else knew her better than Holly.

"You said your past didn't have to change anything, unless we let it. Why are you letting it?"

Mermaid reached for the doorknob, but Holly walked up to her and leaned herself against it, blocking her exit. Mermaid met her gaze and it broke her to see the tears in her eyes.

"Holly, you have to let me go," she pleaded with her now.

"You can tell me anything."

"No, I can't." The least she knew the better and safer it would be for everyone.

"We will protect you. All of us. Whatever you're running from, we can protect you," she said that with so much conviction Mermaid almost believed her.

"No one can protect me," she said, finally embracing who she was as her own tears started falling down her cheeks. "I should have died. You should have left me there." She hopelessly dropped the suitcase and kicked it in frustration.

"You had no right to bring me back," she said now, with anger and fear in her voice. "I wanted to die." Realizing she was being hysterical but not caring, she continued as Holly watched in shock. "He always finds me. I've tried running before but he always finds me. This was supposed to be the end."

She recalled how she'd embraced death and laughed at how it had turned on her. The one thing she'd thought she could trust. Now, she no longer wanted to die. She wanted to protect this family. She wanted to protect this woman she'd come to love so dearly. "You should have let me die," she said as she stood a breath away from Holly.

Holly closed the distance between them and kissed her. Mermaid could taste both hers and Holly's tears. When she pulled away, Mermaid opened her eyes. There was a burning anger in the depths of her soul.

"I will come with you, wherever you want to go," Holly said.

Mermaid took a deep breath and leaned her forehead against Holly's. It was because she loved Holly that she was now more vulnerable to Shawn.

Under his influence, she'd grown accustomed to his abuse. She'd learned that in order for him not to hurt her, she had to stop caring about herself. That was why she'd wanted to die, because in death, she would've found freedom.

But now, her heart was beating in such turmoil. Her body was alive with needs she'd expelled from her being and her senses were alert and starved, as though they'd not been used in years.

For the first time since she'd forced herself to shut down every part of herself that could feel, she wanted to know how it was like to be a woman again. She'd been with Holly countless times before, but she'd been unaware of her past, and everything she'd promised herself she'd never do.

She might have made love to her with the presence of that hunger, that savage need burning within her at that moment, but she'd never been conscious of it, what it represented or even why it was there. Now she knew and with the knowledge, she was dying to have Holly again.

Her gaze softened as her desire awoke with a disastrous hunger, and then she moved closer to Holly, so close their bodies were touching from head to toe.

Mermaid leaned forward and kissed her and Holly responded, wrapping her arms around her neck. It began in a slow and passionate manner then her kiss became more urgent and demanding. She pressed Holly back against the door and deepened the kiss, taking all that she could.

Suddenly, she started undoing Holly's buttons and when her hands did not match her hunger, she ripped open Holly's shirt, and sent the tiny little buttons flying in all direction. It was as though the more she demanded, the more she desired as her hands moved all over Holly's body.

Unable to contain herself, she quickly unbuckled Holly's belt and unzipped her pants, pulling them down along with her panties and quickly led her to the bed. She tried to remove her own clothes, but the possessive need to want to have Holly had her behaving in a manner she herself couldn't recognize.

"Push me away, Holly," she said, having lost all control.

"I don't want you to stop," Holly said, arching her head back as she lifted her chest up.

Mermaid suckled her nipples, taking everything she pleased and giving back all that she could. Her entire being was consumed by desires she had not predicted would grow over the period of time she had imprisoned them.

She couldn't believe that it took her death to bring them back to life, because she had died in that ocean. She had drowned, and she had no idea how she was still alive. She had no idea she was capable of loving someone else so intensely much.

"I love you, Mermaid. I love you with all of my heart," Holly said and Mermaid somehow found the strength to slow down, though she didn't stop.

She moved back up and captured Holly's lips with her own, letting everything she felt for her flow like a waterfall. She parted her legs and touched Holly in a manner that she'd never touched or loved another woman and slowly, she devoured and possessed her until they were both one.

*

"I've seen the world in black and white turn to gold and diamond. I've seen it from two different perspectives. I got a fresh new start and I couldn't have imagined living it any other way," Mermaid said as she drew a circle around Holly's navel with her fingertip.

"Are you going to tell me what you remembered?" Holly asked as she absently ran her fingers through Mermaid's hair.

Mermaid was lying on top of Holly. She'd not said a word since she'd tried to tell Holly to stop her when her control had slipped. They'd made love like two starved lovers and were now lying naked in bed, both lost in each others world.

"If I had known who I was before I met you or your family, I never would've set foot on this ranch," she said.

"Who are you?" Holly asked.

"If I had been just Mermaid, without a past, I would be so happy being here with you like this. I would've moved in with you because nothing would've made me happier," Mermaid said distantly.

"When my father found out I liked women, he forced me to marry his long time best friend, Shawn Dupree. He thought he was saving me from myself, but instead, he was sentencing me to a lifetime of pain and misery." She leaned her cheek over Holly's flat belly and remembered.

"My father and I, we didn't have a conventional father-daughter relationship. After my mother died, as soon as I was old enough, he sent me to boarding school. We hardly saw each other over the years so I barely really knew him. In high school, I met a girl named Crystal. She was my best friend. She taught me to accept myself.... who I was."

Thinking of the past made her wonder what had happened to Crystal because after she'd been forced into marriage, she'd never seen or heard from her again.

"When I went back home, it wasn't long after my father found out and I was forced to resent myself for it. I accepted his demands because he could be very controlling and to be honest, I was a bit afraid of him."

She knew Holly was incessantly listening as she smoothed back Mermaid's hair from her face.

"Shawn abused me. He humiliated and tortured me, physically, emotionally and psychologically. He almost succeeded in killing me."

She felt Holly tense at the words.

"He burned my shoulder with the cigar to remind me that he owned me. He hired hookers and forced me to have sex with them as he watched. He degraded and destroyed me. The first time I tried to run away was right after my father died. It took him two days to find me."

At the memory, she got off Holly, hoping she could make her understand why she needed to leave.

"When he found me, he chained me to the bed and locked me up in our bedroom for days without food or water. I was so dehydrated I had to be taken to hospital."

The ugliness of her life made her feel like she had no right to be with a woman as sweet and wonderful as Holly. She got off the bed and covered herself up.

"I tried to run away again almost a year later. I had been planning it, every step of the way. It was hard because Owen, his henchman, was always around me, but I did it. I changed my identity, changed my appearance, I changed everything and fled New York. I always had to look over my shoulder. I was never safe. It took him almost a month before he found me."

She could not believe how much fear she'd lived in. "When he did, he was furious. He'd battered me before but that night, I thought he was going to kill me. I was on the floor, bleeding on the carpet and he wouldn't stop kicking me. He cracked three of my ribs, broke one hand and dislocated my shoulder. He beat me into a coma, Holly." Tears threatened to fall at the memory.

Knowing Holly could not take any more of the gruesome life she'd led at the mercy of her husband, she decided to skip to the end.

"After suffering so endlessly under his wing, it got to a point where I grew resistant to it. I didn't put up a fight whenever he came up with a new way of humiliating me or hurting me. I just did as he asked but in order for me not to let him affect me anymore, I had to disconnect myself. I stopped caring about my own existence."

Holly got up from the bed and went and wrapped her arms around Mermaid. After a moment, Mermaid pulled away. She needed to get through this so that Holly could see why she needed to leave.

"We were on a cruise ship. I saw him shoot a man right before my eyes. I never thought he was capable of murder despite everything he'd done to me, which come to think of it was a bit daft.

"That night, after he killed that man, I told him that if I ever got a chance, I'd tell the police everything but the reason why I was threatening him was because I wanted him to kill me."

Since she'd gotten married to Shawn, she'd felt like her life had been building up to that moment. But he'd been unsuccessful. Now, she wondered whether he'd use Holly and her family as influence to get her back under his control.

"He ordered his henchman, Owen, to shoot me but there was a storm that night. When Owen shot me, I thought that was it. It was finally over. I embraced death. It was my only way out." She was suddenly engulfed by tears again.

Holly embraced her.

"If he finds me this time, he will not hesitate to kill me. That is why I must leave," she said, pulling away.

"But he doesn't know if you're dead or alive," Holly said.

"I saw Owen that day at the supermarket. I didn't recognize him at the time but when we were leaving, he saw me. That is what triggered my memories. That is when it all started coming back. Once he tells Shawn that I'm alive, they will come for me. If I don't get out of here, they will not hesitate to hurt you or your family and I can't let that happen. You mean too much to me." She searched for understanding in Holly's eyes.

"I couldn't bear to knowingly hurt you, Holly." She leaned forward and fiercely kissed her. "If any harm comes to you because of me, I'll never be able to live with myself," she said against her lips.

"We can tell the police what you saw. He can be put in prison for that man's murder," Holly said.

"I'll be dead before I can confess the truth to the police. No one can protect me. But I can protect you and that is what I choose to do."

It was dark now, so it was not safe to travel but first thing in the morning, she would leave and go wherever life would lead her.

"I can't let you go."

"Holly, please understand that I can't risk the safety of your family. I can't risk putting any of you in danger. I'd rather live the rest of my life running."

"I won't let you," Holly said stubbornly.

"I never had anything to lose before. That's why I was so willing to die. But this time, I will fight because of you. I will fight because I have everything to lose," she firmly said.

"Let me come with you."

Mermaid saw the fight in her eyes but still, she shook her head. "This is my fight, my life and I must face it alone."

"But you're not alone, not anymore. It's my fight and my life too."

Mermaid fiercely wrapped her arms around her. To be loved so much, God, she'd never thought that would ever happen.

"Why are you crying?" Holly asked when they pulled apart.

"I never thought I'd ever be so happy. I never thought I'd ever be lucky enough to be loved this way." She embraced that love now, letting it live and thrive within her because in several hours, she would have to say goodbye to it and everything else. "You have to tell everyone why I left. You have to let them know that I was grateful for everything they did for me."

"Don't talk that way," Holly said as Mermaid moved away from her.

"Holly, this is the only way. You have to let them know how much I love you. How much I love them all."

"Mermaid, please," Holly said as she placed her hands over her ears as though to block out what she was saying.

"Listen to me, I love you and I'm glad I stayed long enough to get to experience it and get to say it," Mermaid said as she gently moved Holly's hands from her ears. "When morning comes, I won't be here. So I need you to know that if you had not found me on that beach, I never would have known what real happiness is, and that is all I've known since I first saw you."

She kissed Holly now, persistently telling herself she was going to be strong enough to let her go. She had to be. If not for herself, then for those she loved. She'd gotten a chance to start all over again and every second of it had been worth it.

They got back in bed and shared one last night of love and passion. For a while, Mermaid forgot everything. She forgot her fears, her plans, her pain, her sorrow and thrived in that moment as though it was the single most important moment she would ever have. And maybe it was.

"When morning comes, I'll pack my things and we'll leave together. We'll go far away where Shawn will never find us. We'll not drag our family into this. It'll just be you and me," Holly said later when they were lying silently in each other's arms.

Neither one of them could sleep.

Mermaid was enjoying the solitude and joy of being with Holly one last time. "Holly," she said in protest.

Holly stopped her. "I've never stood up for something I loved before but I'm standing up for us. I can't let you do this alone."

They couldn't keep going back and forth. Mermaid didn't want to fight about it anymore. "You said our family," she said when she replayed the statement in her head.

"They are our family, aren't they?"

Mermaid recalled the warmth every single member of the Mackenzie family had extended her. "They are." Allowing herself to be caught up in the moment, she said, "Promise me we'll have a big family together."

"We'll have so many kids we'll run out of names for them," Holly said.

Mermaid held her tight, tears brimming on her eyelids.

"Everything is going to be okay," Holly said.

"What will we tell everyone?" Mermaid asked.

She was afraid to believe because anything could happen. Maybe she needed to have a little bit of faith.

"We'll tell them you remembered that you had a family and we want to go find them. They will understand and they will let us go," Holly said.

"I don't know if I can be selfish enough to take you away from them, especially now when they just got you back."

"You don't have a choice, Mermaid. We'll tell them that we'll come back, even though we won't. That way they won't be so mad at us."

Mermaid didn't want to lie to the Mackenzie family.

"If we tell them the truth, they'll not let us go and Shawn will come here and who knows what he'll do."

She had a point. For the sake of protecting them, they could make something up. "Where will we go?" she asked, since Holly had made it clear she wasn't leaving without her.

Her initial plan had not gone beyond leaving the ranch. She'd only thought as far as protecting the Mackenzie family.

"I have some money saved up. We'll leave the country. We can go anywhere we want."

Holly tried to make it sound like an exciting adventure, but Mermaid could tell she was just as afraid.

"All that matters is that we're together. You'll never be alone again." Mermaid relaxed at Holly's reassurance.

Maybe she'd survived so that she could learn to live again. She'd survived to learn how to hope, to love, to not be afraid. For a brief period of time, she'd experienced all of that. What happened from that point on, only time was going to tell.

The knock on the door the following morning startled her awake. Somewhere along the night, she must have drifted off to sleep and in her dreams, she'd been far away with Holly and she'd been happy.

The urgent knock on the door stirred her awake from the last remnants of slumber and it seemed to have a similar effect on Holly who moved beside her.

"What's that?" Her voice sounded husky and deprived of sleep, but she sat up on the bed.

"Someone's at the door." Mermaid got off the bed and reached for a robe from the suitcase she'd packed hours earlier.

"Mermaid?"

She opened the door at Michael's voice.

"Sorry to wake you up. There is someone here to see you," he said.

She was briefly confused, but when she met Holly's gaze, she remembered their conversation the previous night.

"Who is it?" Holly asked from the bed.

"I don't know. I think it's your father," Michael said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"Tell him I'll be right down," Mermaid said and locked the door.

"Your father?" Holly asked, still obviously half asleep for she still hadn't figured it out.

"It's Shawn. He found me."