Chapter 5

"I'm sorry I put Mermaid to work yesterday. You were right, I should have considered the fact that she is yet to completely recover," Holly told her mother the following day.

"Mermaid explained it to me. You have nothing to be sorry for," Lori said. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't mean to come down so hard on you," she said, taking Holly's hand in hers.

"Its okay, Mom."

"I owe you an apology," Lori said.

"No, Mom, you don't."

"Please hear me out," she said softly. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel like you couldn't come to me when you had a problem."

Her carefully chosen words made Holly feel guilty for having run away when she'd convinced herself that she'd gone away to study.

"I love you. We all do. We hate to see you suffer in silence," Lori said.

She moved her thumb over Holly's cheek to wipe away a tear that had rolled down.

"I understand that you're not a little girl anymore and I have to let you make your own mistakes but I need you to understand that irrespective of the choices you make, nothing could ever change the way we feel about you."

She placed a kiss over Holly's forehead then released her. Holly closed her eyes, trying to push back the overwhelming emotions going through her and realized that sooner, rather than later, she was going to have to tell her family everything that had happened.

*

"I've got two tickets to the Linkin Park concert," Lana said.

"Wait! That concert has been sold out for weeks," Holly said.

"Let's just say, I know some people."

"So, who are you taking to the concert with you?"

"Well, I was thinking that maybe you cold accompany me."

"Are you serious? Please tell me you're not kidding," she said in excitement.

Lana shook her head. "I'm not kidding! We're going to the concert!"

Holly squealed in joy and ran into Lana's arms.

"What is up with all the screaming?" Cassie asked when she walked into the living room.

"Lana got us tickets to the Linkin Park concert!" Holly said loudly.

"The what?" Cassie asked playfully.

"Please tell me you're joking!" Lana said and Cassie laughed at the energy in the atmosphere as she sat down.

"She is. I've forced her to listen to the rock band and as much as she'd hate to admit it, she actually loves their music," Holly said.

"Please note that she used the word forced," Cassie teased.

"If I had an extra ticket I'd force you to come with us," Lana said.

"I'd ruin it for you two."

"You would try but trust me you would fail." Holly said as Hanna walked in.

"Hey Hanna, guess what?"

"What?" Hanna asked.

"Lana, my new best friend," Holly said, directing those words to Cassie who made a face. "Is taking me to the Linkin Park concert on Saturday."

"What? How did you get the tickets? The concert has been sold out for weeks!" Hanna said.

"That's what I said. Come on, let's go upstairs," Holly said as she blew Lana an air kiss and ran upstairs with Hanna behind her.

"How are you and Derrick doing?" she asked Hanna who had been dating Derrick for a few weeks now.

"We're doing great. He's such a good kisser!"

Holly laughed.

"Have you ever been kissed?" Hanna asked Holly who nodded at the silly question.

"What? When? How come you never told me?" Hanna asked as though she was offended.

"One, I don't kiss and tell and two, I didn't like it."

"With who? Come on, tell me."

"Mark," Holly said.

"Mark Carpenter? The same Mark who has had the longest crush on you?"

"Yes, that Mark."

"How did it happen?"

Holly closed her eyes and remembered the romantic night while she told the story. "You know his family and mine are close, so one night, his dad came over to the ranch and brought Mark along with him. They went to talk in my dad's office and Mark and I went over to the enclosure. We just talked, and laughed as we watched the stars." Fast forwarding to the kiss, she said, "I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but he was shy about it, so I kissed him."

"You made the first move?" Hanna asked.

"He was going to take forever before he did, so yeah."

"How was it like?"

"I remember the night more than I remember the kiss, what does that tell you?"

Hanna laughed. "What happened after?"

"We continued being friends, never talked about the kiss."

"That's a sad ending for Mark."

Holly thought so too.

"Any other confessions I should know about?"

Holly shook her head. "Nope, none."

"Okay, so you want to hear about me and Derrick or what?" Hanna asked.

Holly nodded and tried to listen as Hanna talked about her exciting new relationship. She was paying attention, but her mind was on the big concert she was going to attend on Saturday. Lana had surprised her. She's was a sweet person. Very beautiful too.

*

"I'm sorry I put you in that position with Lori. If I had known it'd be a problem, I wouldn't have asked," Mermaid apologized to Holly.

"It's okay, Mermaid."

"Did you work things out? Is everything okay now? Should I go talk to her again?"

"Hey, relax," Holly said, placing her hand over Mermaid's shoulder. "Everything is fine."

"How come you didn't say anything to defend yourself?"

"She was upset about something else. She knew I wouldn't make you do something you didn't want to do. Scolding me about something I shouldn't have done in the first place was her way of expressing herself."

"I don't understand. Are you saying that she wasn't upset with you?"

"She was upset with me, but about something else." When Holly saw the confusion in Mermaid, she dismissively said, "It's complicated."

"Holly, I know you don't trust me and I haven't given you any reason to."

Holly raised her eyebrow at the statement.

"I don't blame you. I mean, at this point, I barely trust myself because I don't know who I am. But I trust each and every one of you. I trust you," Mermaid said. "I see the way you are with your family and I see the way they are with you, and I don't understand why you push them away. I don't know if I have a family, Holly. But if I do, I hope to God they're as wonderful as yours. At the hospital, you said that sometimes it is easier to confide in a stranger, I really don't see why you need to confide in one when you have such an amazing family by your side."

The words knocked the air right out of Holly because of the truth and depth they carried, and as she stood there, watching the insightful Mermaid walk away, she wondered what she was going to do.

What was happening to her really had nothing to do with her family. It was personal. She was battling personal demons and so far she was losing.

There was a lot she had to tell her family, but what she was going through was a personal struggle, not even her family could help her.

*

"I can't believe how amazing that was," Holly told Lana after the concert.

"Neither can I. Do you want me to take you home or do you want to grab something to eat first?"

"Let's go to the beach. I love it there."

"What about your curfew?" Lana said.

"I don't have a curfew. My family trusts me. Besides, Cassie knows I'm with you."

"Okay."

Lana headed in the direction of the beach and Holly started singing one of the songs the band had performed live on stage. Lana joined her and stated singing along.

After a while, they stopped and Holly watched Lana while she drove. "Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked.

"No, I don't have one."

"Why not?"

Lana shrugged her shoulders and parked the car before she turned to look at Holly. "Do you?"

Holly shook her head. "No."

"Why not?" Lana asked.

"Because boys are silly and they're only interested in sex."

The blunt response had Lana laughing. They got out of the car and started walking down the trail to the beach.

"You think boys are silly?" she asked.

"Yeah, I mean, they're cool to hang out with and stuff, you know, when you're just friends," Holly said, removing her shoes to feel the soft soothing surface of the sand on the heels of her feet. "I don't like Teddy, Cassie's boyfriend. He's a jerk," Holly continued.

"Why do you think he's a jerk?"

"I understand he has that whole bad boy thing going for him, but my sister is too good for him. She deserves a guy who is as sweet as she is," she said, and then went to sit down.

"I'm surprised to hear you talk like that when boys are the only thing girls your age talk about," Lana said, sitting down beside her.

"Yeah, I know. Hanna talks about them enough for the both of us. She is always like Derrick this, and Derrick that. I don't know, it's just not that exciting for me."

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?" Lana asked.

"No, and its not that I can't get one, I just don't want one."

"I understand."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"How so?" Holly asked.

"I've had boyfriends before, but I've never really felt that pull or that deep attraction and connection to really want to be with them as much emotionally or physically as they wanted to be with me. It's just never been there," Lana said.

Holly raised her eyebrows. "That's exactly how I feel. I tell myself that maybe one day I'll meet someone who'll make me feel something powerful but in the meantime, I don't see the need to rush myself."

"Maybe it's not the boys, maybe it's you," Lana said.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe you're just into something else."

"Something else like what?"

Lana looked out into the sea and Holly wondered if she was going to answer her because she seemed to have all the answers.

"Come on, tell me. Something else like what?" she asked again.

Lana looked at her. "Close your eyes," she said.

Holly hesitantly looked back at her.

"Come on, close your eyes."

She closed her eyes at the request.

She didn't know what Lana was going to do or say but when she felt a pair of warm soft lips touch hers, her eyes shot open in surprise. But rather than pull back, the warm soft feel of Lana's lips made something strange stir within her.

Lana pulled back. She'd barely opened her eyes when Holly kissed her again. When Lana responded, Holly felt like something unfamiliar had invaded her. Something so unfamiliar that it opened up a part of her she'd never known she had. Her heart was racing, she thought it would explode but Lana's lips calmed it.

Holly loved how it felt like to enjoy the simple intricate thrill of a kiss, she loved how silky a moist pair of lips could alarm her but mostly, she loved how soft and wonderfully amazing a kiss could be. She couldn't remember her first kiss with a boy, but this one kiss, she knew she would live to remember.