Chapter 9

"How come it always came so easily and naturally to you?" Holly asked Cassie.

"It didn't. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have."

"But you were still the perfect daughter. Nothing you did, no matter how bad, was ever worse than anything I did," Holly said.

"If you asked both mom and dad, who between you and me was an easier teenager to raise, trust me, they would pick you. I dated the worst boys, went to crazy parties, got drunk several times and stayed out later than I was supposed to countless time. I got grounded more times than I can remember, and Michael made it worse because he always told on me," Cassie said.

"I don't recall any of that?"

"How would you? You were never home to witness it. Remember how close you were to Hanna back then? You two were attached at the hip. You spent morning, noon and night together."

Holly dejectedly remembered.

"Maybe its time somebody told you that you didn't cause this family any harm. We stood by your side because we loved you. What you did or what you were did not make a difference to us, Holly." Cassie said, a little more softly now.

"Maybe not to you and Michael," Holly said as she pushed away her plateful of food. They were having dinner in her cottage.

"You didn't shame anyone, even mom and dad. I think the reason why you think you did, is because you were ashamed of yourself. The truth is, we don't choose who we fall in love with. Sometimes it just happens, even when you're not looking for it," Cassie said. "We were not mad or disappointed in you."

Holly silently listened, knowing every word Cassie said was true.

"To be completely honest with you, I wasn't surprised when I found out."

Holly looked at her in amazement. "You weren't?"

Cassie shook her head. "I saw how you and Lana were like together. Plus before that, you never used to talk about boys, or go out. You and Lana were a lot alike. I didn't like the way things ended between you two and I truly wish I had been able to bring her back for you after the truth came out," Cassie said, reaching for her hand over the table.

"Michael and I tried to reach out to you but you created so much distance between yourself and everyone else. You treated us like you expected us behave the same way the kids at your school did. You pushed everyone away. Mom and dad wanted to help you but they didn't know how. Right now, because I'm a mother, I understand they let you go because it was what you wanted. They thought it would give you a break from everything. They were trying to protect you."

Holly held back her tears, realizing just how wrong she had been. "I was so wrong about everything."

"With family, Holly, you always get a second chance."

She felt like a fool as she replayed everything that had happened in her mind. After a long moment, she broke into laughter.

"What?" Cassie asked.

"Life is so funny. It's amazing how situations change," she said and went on to explain. "Hanna told me that the reason why she outed me was because she wanted me to break up with Lana so that we could be together." She continued to laugh at the irony of how badly Hanna had treated her back in high school.

"She did what?" Cassie asked, laughing along.

"She showed up a few days ago and admitted it to my face." After laughing a while longer, she went quiet. "I didn't marry Nick because I was in love with him," she confessed a moment later. "I got married to him because he loved me and I thought that along the way, I'd learn to love him the same way."

She looked at the understanding expression on Cassie's face.

"And did you?"

She shook her head.

"I forced myself to stay in the marriage because I didn't want to admit to myself that I had made another mistake."

"Why didn't you tell us? We would have come to the wedding."

"I don't know. I was scared. By marrying Nick, I was trying to right the wrong I thought I had done back home. He's a good guy, he always was. But for some reason I just couldn't bring him here to meet you. I couldn't."

"Why did you leave him?" Cassie asked gently.

Holly took a deep breath, burying the pain deep inside her heart. "I got tired of lying to myself," she said.

"Did you tell him about you and Lana?"

She shook her head.

"Were you happier with Lana than you were with Nick?"

She hesitated.

"You're my baby sister, Holly. I love you, and would never judge you."

She saw the sincerity in Cassie's eyes and said, "I loved her."

"Do you still question who you are then? You cannot force other people's morals and beliefs on yourself because then you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

Their conversation was long overdue. If she'd been more open, the guilt, shame and remorse would have disappeared a long time ago. But she'd distanced herself because she'd been terribly afraid of being rejected. The loneliness she'd endured during that period had become a part of her.

"Thanks, Cassie," she said as she got up and went to hug her.

Long after Cassie had left, Holly started thinking about talking to the rest of her family. She wondered if it'd be as easy as it had been talking to Cassie. She wondered how she'd talk to Nick, get him to understand why she could never go back to him, and that fear crept up inside her again. It was a little evil monster that crippled her decisions and judgment.

*

"Are you okay, Mermaid?" At the sound of Mark's voice, Mermaid nodded.

"I think so." There was a lot going through her. She hadn't stopped thinking about Holly and their last conversation. It felt odd because she couldn't understand herself. It had been much easier just going with the flow. She didn't know how to deal with the hurt or confusion.

"You want to talk about it?" Mark said.

She turned to face him.

His eyes were kind and warm, his sandy-colored hair swayed against the rhythm of the breeze and his gentle handsome face was filled with concern.

She looked at him and she could see his heart. She could see the kind, hard working, loyal, sometimes shy, and friendly man he was.

"I know I haven't been here very long but I know all of you. I love all of you as if you were my own family," she said, seeking some sort of release and Mark felt like the right person to talk to.

"I keep thinking I know Holly. She's told me a lot of things that have happened to her and I sympathize but sometimes she's so distant, it's like I don't know her at all."

He nodded as though he could relate. "She was really shaken up when she decided to leave, you know?"

She'd seen it in Holly's eyes when she'd opened up and spoken about it.

"All her friends turned their backs on her. Sometimes I think she left because she was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

Mark stared into the distance. "Afraid her family would turn their back on her as well, afraid she'd never really be accepted for who she was, afraid for being different, just so dreadfully afraid." He trailed off, his voice had grown softer and his eyes sparked in something Mermaid could not understand.

"If Lana had stayed, it probably would have been easier for her, but she was all alone." His grief was so palpable, it opened her eyes to a truth she hadn't been expecting.

"Were you in love with her?" The question came out before she even had a chance to process it, but the look that came upon his face answered her and though he struggled with words, his response spoke of innocence and love lost.

"A long time ago."

She placed her hand over his shoulder, trying to offer him some sort of comfort.

"Did she ever know?" Curiosity drove her to ask the question.

"I doubt it, but I don't think it would have made any difference ."

It probably wouldn't have.

"I would have expected anything from her, but I never expected her to come back home as another man's wife." He might have said he'd loved Holly a long time ago, but his tone sent a different message.

"It just got complicated. She was alone and confused. She probably thought she was doing the right thing getting married." Mermaid tried to explain from Holly's point of view.

"But why not marry from Reedsdale? Why marry a stranger from New York? Someone no one knew?"

"He didn't know her past like everyone else here in Reedsdale. Maybe that's why."

He went silent, as though absorbing everything she'd just told him and a wave of sympathy traveled through her. "Come on," she said softly as she took him in her arms.

She drew as much comfort from his arms as she offered him, while the soft thud of his heartbeat synchronized with hers. She wondered if a man had ever held her like that in the past, and if it had felt as reassuring. When she pulled away, she looked at his face and touched his cheek.

He completely took her off guard when he leaned forward and kissed her. Momentarily frozen, she felt him brush his lips against hers as he gently wrapped his arms around her waist and a strong surge of disdain overcame her, followed by a blurry image of another man kissing her.

She could not see his face but he was brutally forcing himself on her. Suddenly embraced by horrifying fear, she placed her arms against Mark's chest and used as much strength as she could muster to push him away.

A look of surprise and guilt covered his face, as he realized how wrongly he'd misread the situation. "Mermaid," he said softly.

She took a step back in fear.

"I'm sorry, I thought..." He trailed off and guiltily ran his fingers through his short hair.

Mermaid continued to look at him in despair and fright. When he took a step towards her, she backed up and then took off running. She ran until she felt like her lungs were on fire, like they would burst if she dared take another step.

When she stopped, she tried to catch her breath as she looked around, trying to figure out where she was. She'd never been in the Mackenzie ranch fields. She was surrounded by crops. She couldn't even tell which direction she'd come from.

She was lost.

Heavily heaving as her chest burned in lack of air, she tried to catch her breath as she fell to her knees. Her mind recalled what had happened with Mark right before the memory had been triggered.

Such crippling fear had gone through her, she'd felt like she'd been momentarily paralyzed. Mark's only fault had been triggering the memory and kissing her without her consent. The unexpectedness of the kiss had stirred up the emotions she'd probably felt when whatever had happened in her memory had occurred.

Her hands shook now, as did her entire body as she crawled on the surface of the fertile land.

Had the man in her memory forced himself on her? What else could explain such fear? Why had she been unable to see his face? Why were her memories playing such a cruel and unjust game on her? Why were they coming back a piece at a time, forming a puzzle she could not make any sense out of?

When she came into a clearing, she deeply inhaled as though it was her first time to breathe in such clean crisp air. She looked at her hands and pants, which were now covered in dirt and slowly got up as she made her way over to a tree that stood alone.

Who was this person she had been? She wondered as she rested her back against the tree and closed her eyes.

She'd seen the look of guilt on Mark's face. She'd probably have to talk to him and tell him it wasn't his fault. Though he had triggered the memory and awakened that fear, he really wasn't to blame.

Shaking off thoughts of Mark, she recalled the sensation of dread that had gone through her and she could feel it crawling underneath her skin. Her body had stopped shaking and though her lungs still ached, her hands continued to tremble.

It was such a strange reaction, she was afraid to find out more about who she'd been. What if she'd been a bad person? What if she ended up hurting the Mackenzie's? They were nothing short of wonderful and she couldn't bear bringing them any harm.

They already had enough going on, what with Holly trying to reconnect with them. She could not add to that. And Holly, she was so delicate. She did not need to get tangled up in another line of deceit and heartache.

Wasn't that what she was doing by keeping the truth to herself? Deceiving Holly by not revealing she had recovered a fragment, now two, of her memory? Maybe she needed to go through the recovery process on her own. That way, once she knew her true identity and nature, no one would be affected.

She needed to leave the Mackenzie manor in order to protect them from who she could potentially be. Who was to know what could happen? She started thinking of what she would say, how she would break the news to the family.

They would let her go. After all they barely knew her. It would be hard for her to let them go, but she had to. She wondered if by leaving like that, she was running. And if she was, what was she running from, her fear or the blurry face behind it?

She was so lost in thought she did not hear the approaching horse. She was there for so long, she did not notice the sun had started setting. The cool breeze made her shiver in the cold as Holly's whistling voice accompanied it.

"Mermaid?" Her voice was filled with concern. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Mark told me you ran into the fields." She got off her horse and quickly rushed over to her.

*

"Are you okay? My God, you're freezing." She removed her jacket and placed it over Mermaid. "You're so pale. How did you get so dirty?" She started wiping off the dirt from Mermaid's knees and hands. "You have bruises and scratches all over your hands," she said as she scanned Mermaid for further injuries.

Her long sun kissed hair swayed over Holly's skin, touching the pale flesh of her cheeks and her blue eyes were dark and troubled.

It was something Holly had never seen in her before and it scared her. She sat down beside her, wrapping her arms tightly around her cold body in an attempt to share her body heat.

"What happened?" she asked, sensing something disconcerting had brought Mermaid there, as she pushed her soft strands of hair from her face.

"I need to get out of here," Mermaid said in an indistinct voice that did not resemble the warm natured woman Holly knew.

"Let's go back to the house. You'll be warmer there," Holly said, inadvertently and absentmindedly placing a kiss over Mermaid's forehead.

"I need to leave the ranch," Mermaid said, a bit more clearly now and Holly thought she'd misheard her.

"What do you mean you need to leave the ranch?" She pulled away to look at Mermaid.

"I need to recover my memory on my own." She got to her feet and moved away from Holly.

"We can't let you leave without having recovered your memory."

"I can't stay here," she said.

"Did someone do something to you? Did anyone make you feel unwelcome here? Something must have happened." Holly was trying to figure out what had taken place.

"This has nothing to do with anyone."

"Then why the sudden need to leave? I thought you loved this family."

"I do love this family."

"Then what?"

"I'm not who you think I am. Before I came here, I had a different life. I was someone else. I need to go out there and figure out who I was. I can't do that here." Mermaid said as she removed the jacket Holly had placed on her. "I'm not one of you." She handed the jacket back to Holly and started walking away.

"The day my mother brought you here, you became one of us," Holly said as she followed after her.

"Well, I don't want to be. Not anymore." Mermaid said as she stopped and whirled around.

"Why not?"

Holly had never seen Mermaid that upset.

"Look at you, Holly. You're so unhappy and the people you'd think you can go to, the people you'd think you can rely on, are the people you keep at an arm's length. So maybe I'm doing what you're doing. My way is just a little less subtle."

She didn't know what to say because Mermaid had called her out on something she'd actually done. "I don't want to hurt them. That's why I'm the way I am. I don't intentionally push them away. I just don't want to cause them any more pain."

"I want a family I can go to when I have a problem, a family that understands that I cannot intentionally hurt them, and a family that sees me for who I am. I haven't known your family for very long, but you've known them all your life, and you're still struggling. I don't understand if it's for you, or for them.

"If I turn out to be the exact opposite of who I am right now, will I have to work just as much to be perfect? Will I always feel inadequate? Will I always be unhappy? This woman, standing in front of you, this woman you rescued, she's Mermaid. But who is the person underneath? Who was the woman before Mermaid? I can't let you all like me, just to resent me in the end."

Holly had to admit, she had strong grounds to be cautious.

"You're not me. My mistakes are mine. You don't have to do what I do. My family will love you no matter what," Holly said, unsure of whether she was preaching wine but drinking water.

"It'd just be best for all of us, if I left Holly," she continued walking away.

"Don't leave me." A ripple of desperation went through Holly at the thought of losing Mermaid. "Do you remember when you told me that I made you feel safe?"

Mermaid stopped and faced her as she nodded.

"I feel the same way about you. Only, when I see you, I see hope in the desolate world I'm living in. You make me feel things stronger than I've ever known I could feel. You make me feel like I don't have to try so hard to be perfect when I'm with you, like I'm already perfect just the way I am. If you leave, you will take all that away."

A tear trailed down Mermaid's cheek. "Don't do this, Holly."

"You may think I rescued you from that beach, but the truth is, you rescued me. Stay, stay for me."

Mermaid was the only person who seemed to understand her when things went wrong. She couldn't lose her.

"You're not a prisoner here. You can leave if you want. But I am asking you to stay because I need you."

Mermaid fell to her knees. She arched her head back, stared at the sky which had now gotten dark, and then she bent forward and grappled the ground with her hands as though she was fighting a losing battle with her willpower.

Holly ran to her, and knelt before her. Her heart was pounding and her breathing was heavy. She hadn't realized just how afraid she was to lose Mermaid. Perhaps this was the result of having pushed her away once too many times.

Mermaid had studied her, learned her habits and now she was using them to define herself. Holly knew that was her fault. Perhaps she should have been more forthcoming with her family. That way Mermaid wouldn't have to feel like she needed to be perfect to be loved.

But how could she explain she was battling some personal demons? How could she tell her family that she was such a failure as a woman and risk them resenting her? Yes, they loved her. But would they still love her if they knew the truth?

If she was pushing them away, it wasn't because she wanted to. It was because she was having trouble dealing with her reality herself. How could she even start to explain it? It was too painful. Yet as she looked at the stars illuminated in Mermaid's tears, she felt such a weakness overcome her.

She was responsible for those tears. She was responsible for her wanting to leave. She was responsible for everything. How could she take that away when she didn't know how she had instilled it? How could she replace those tears with the sweet innocence and happiness that had been there before?

"How long do I wait till you let go of the reins?" Mermaid asked.

"I won't let go. I promise," Holly said as she wiped away her tears.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Holly."

Under the circumstances, she had to, even though Mermaid had a point. "I want to be your friend. I want to get to know you."

Mermaid released a soft laugh. "You already know me."

"The other part of you. The part you're so afraid we'll not like."

"I don't know that part yet."

"Then give me a chance to get to know it along with you." Holly wrapped her arms around Mermaid and held her for a while. "I have to take you home now."

"Home," Mermaid said softly.

"That's right. This is your home and you better accept that."

"I will on condition that you do the same," she said as they got up and walked back to the horse.

"I will."

"That means talking to your entire family and setting things straight," Mermaid said as she got on the horse after Holly. "Tonight," she added.

"Alright. I'll talk to them during dinner."

As they headed back, Holly hoped everyone would behave the same way Cassie had; with patience, an open mind and understanding.

When they got back, Mermaid went to Holly's cottage and took a shower and a change of clothes. She did not want to alarm anyone with her condition.

After the shower, they went to join the family for dinner and during dessert, Holly opened up and told them everything.

She apologized profusely and was thoroughly pleased when Nick did not join them for dinner because he was not present to hear her say she had never been in love with him.

She explained her reasons for marrying him and Joshua and Lori were quick to reassure her. Everything Cassie had said about them supporting her decision to leave for New York because they had not known what else to do was true.

She was massively relieved, though Michael failed to say a word all evening.

"How long are you going to stay mad at me?" she asked him after dinner when he was leaving for his house. "For as long as I deem it necessary."

She watched him leave. She didn't know what to do but hoped in due time, he'd come around.

*