Chapter 32

#1 most important birthday gift idea by xinfinite_thoughtsx ily ❤️✨ might make one for myself too XD

And onesie idea by girlsandgaysOnLy I MIGHT DRAW HIM IN ONE THO 😳😳

Ryder

I sit on the damp grass, replacing wilted flowers with fresh ones. The late afternoon air is chilly as cicadas hum softly in the background. Aunt Cam used to bring me here each year, but now I mostly go alone. It still looks the same as before, with the same patch of flattened grass from the previous years where I sat.

Ida Elizabeth Davis Dela Cruz

1978-2002

Friend, wife, and to-be mother

“Death doesn’t scare me. Cockroaches scare me more than death does.”

I chuckle lightly; it never fails to make me laugh, no matter how many times I visit. My mom sounds like a total bad-ass. Maybe that’s where I got my badassery.

Aunt Cam used to show me pictures of my mom before . . . well, me. They were college friends. Most of the pictures showed my mom and Aunt Cam as inseparable. The woman with the choppy brown pixie cut and bright smile is always recognisable as Aunt Cam, and the other woman beside her is never a stranger. Sleek black hair with purple highlights. Sparkling turquoise eyes. A smile so wide I’m sure it hurt. . . .

Aunt Cam once told me that my mom wanted to dye her hair green as a joke. Like toxic-waste green. And I laughed because I could imagine her with painfully neon green hair. It seemed very her. Or how Aunt Cam likes to put it, “Ida-fucking-esque.”

I mindlessly play with the grass, running my hand through them like I always do. I have so many things to say, but I don’t know if I’m able to get them all out.

“Mama, it’s me, Ryder. Your son.” This is how I always start. “I turned 18 today, and uh . . . you’re 42 now. Everything’s still the same. Same old pain, I guess.

“Well, not only that. Remember when I told you that I’ll probably stay single forever? Well, uh” - I scratch the back of my neck - “I actually have a boyfriend now. His name is Nathan Adler. Really sweet and cute and smart and brave and- ”

A cool breeze touches my cheek, distracting me for a second. Then I shake my head, smile, and continue: “I really love him. Everything about him is perfect: the way he smiles, laughs, the way he tilts his head when he’s confused, and uh, his eyes change colours too, like a mood ring.

"And uh . . . fuck . . .” Tears start to blur my vision. “I just love him so much.” I always get choked up about this subject. There are too many feelings and I can’t handle all of them.

“Did I really just come here to talk about a boy?” I laugh as I wipe my eyes. “Anyway, I just- I wanna say sorry for existing in general. If I wasn’t born, you would still be alive, and Pa wouldn’t be the way he is now and- ” I shouldn’t be crying. “ - I’m sorry, Ma, I just  . . .'' I sob a little, pinching myself to stop. And I do, after a while.

“But I’m happy now. I’m enjoying life - surprising, right?” I chuckle drily, wiping my eyes. “I’ve thought a lot about it because Nathan brought it up and . . . I’m going to therapy. You must be thinking, Why didn’t you go sooner? I haven’t told Tita Cam, but I’ll try to talk to her today.” I take a deep breath. “We’ll see how it goes.”

I stand up, dusting off my jeans. Patting my mom’s headstone, I say, “I have to go now. Until next time.”

Pause. Then I whisper, “I love you, Mama.”

*

When I open the door to my house, a sudden chorus of “Surprise!” almost gives me a heart attack. Damn it, I already mentally prepared myself but I still fall for it every time.

A bunch of smiling faces greet me: my grandma, Aunt Cam, Aunt Mars and their kids, Josh and Nora; Nick, Sin, Vahn; and lastly Mae and Connor. My living room is full of black and blue balloons - my favourite colours - and a banner that says “Happy Bornday” hangs on one wall (I’m sure it’s Mae’s idea). The kitchen table’s full of food - typical of my grandma. I smile and roll my eyes.

Aunt Cam huffs, “What a way to greet us. Nice to see you too, Ryder.”

Grandma rushes forward and engulfs me in a big hug (I have to bend down a little to hug her back). She smells the same: classic wooden furniture, simmering pots of food and fresh linen. “My god, Ryder! You’ve gotten so tall!” She laughs.

God, I’ve missed her. A wave of relief washes over me, and I sniffle.

“Wag kang umiyak, anak [Don’t cry, my child],” she says, squeezing me tightly. “Kamusta, Ryder? [How are you?] I haven’t seen you in a-” She checks her watch. “ -Year?”

“Okay lang po, Lola [Okay, Grandma].” I smile. “Besides, it’s not even a year; I visited you all last Christmas.”

She wags a fat finger at me. “Still a year. If it’s after December, it’s a year.”

I smile, pull away, only to see everyone’s expectant gaze on me. A little niggling thought of Nathan’s smiling face eats at me and I try not to look upset in front of everyone. Where is he? Then Mae squeals, bouncing, “Here he comes!”

For a split second, I imagine my dad behind the door - for whatever reason - and my throat constricts. I stop in my tracks and take a deep breath. Now isn’t the time to have a panic attack. I gulp again and try to even my breathing. Come on, just open the door. Pa won’t be here - why would he? It isn’t him.

Nick gives a whoop, snapping me back to reality. Taking another deep breath, I walk to the door and carefully open it. And here he is. Standing in front of me with the biggest smile plastered on his face.

In the cutest frog onesie I’ve ever seen.

“Happy birthday!” says Nathan.

And within seconds he’s in my arms and my head buried into his neck. We’re both laughing and I think I’m crying, but I don’t know. I hear cheering and whistling but I ignore them and hug him even tighter.

“Hey,” I whisper. I’m so relieved it’s Nathan.

“Hi,” he whispers back.

I slowly release him as I turn around to Aunt Cam’s intrigued look. “Who’s that?”

Taking Nathan’s hand in mine, I smile. “Family, friends, meet Nathan,” I say, “my boyfriend.”

Nathan

Instant cheering. I stumble backwards, overwhelmed, but Ryder holds me steady. Everyone’s patting my and Ryder’s backs, saying congratulations and wishing all the best for us. I’m still confused by what’s happening but I brush it away.

A woman, who has platinum blonde hair with an undercut and tattoos that snake up her arms and neck and who’s carrying a baby, speaks up. “My money was on Nick or Sin, though,” she says, and the petite woman beside her (with curly brown hair) elbows her.

Ryder scoffs. “But Nick’s like a brother to me and Sin’s already taken!” He gestures towards the latter whose hand is in Vahn’s. And I think Vahn’s actually blushing at that remark.

I’m still thinking about that when Ryder squeezes my hand, bringing me back to reality. “You okay?” he asks softly while everyone else is already digging into the food.

I nod, squeezing back. “Just a little overwhelmed.”

“Sorry,” he whispers. “I guess I was a little dramatic just now.”

“It’s okay. It’s your birthday!”

Ryder’s mouth stretches into a big smile and he squeezes my hand again. “Come on, let’s have fun!” he says, and the rest is a blur. A lovely blur of emotions and laughing and lots of good food. I’ve never had this much fun in my life before.

Ryder

Aunt Cam finds me at the balcony a while later. “So, Nathan, huh,” she says, sipping on her cup of punch.

“Yeah.” I smile, but when I look at her, it fades. She leans against the railing, her expression unreadable. My stomach drops and I study the tattoos on her arms instead.

“You didn’t tell me.”

I feel a twinge of guilt in my chest, and my head drops in shame. “Sorry, Tita Cam,” I mumble.

Aunt Cam looks at me, then smiles. “It’s fine, Ryder. I’m happy for you,” she says. “I just thought . . . that I did you a favour by making you and Juno Frey go out together.” She refers to the guy she paired me up with, but I don’t tell her that I politely rejected him. “I didn’t realise how shitty that was. I should’ve just let you explore your sexuality on your own, diba [right]?”

I don’t know what to say to that, so I just nod. Then Nathan’s words ring in my ear: “Just go to therapy, okay?” This is the perfect time to tell Aunt Cam. I can do this. My insides turn cold just at the thought of it, but I can do it - I must.

“Uh, Tita Cam?” I ask and she turns her face to me, expectant. “I need to tell you something.”

“Ano yan?” [What’s that?]

Taking a deep breath, I tell her about the nightmares and uneasiness that I’ve been feeling ever since I left that place. I tell her how I’m still able to hear my dad’s voice taunting me and how much pain it brought. I tell her how badly I cried every time even though I try to avoid situations that remind me of my childhood. Then I tell her what Nathan said to me before, about therapy. I’ve done some research on my end about therapy and medication costs, and I can’t help but feel shame burning my face when I think about the money she’s about to spend on me.

“Oh my god,” she whispers in shock. “Shit, Ryder. Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve gotten you to therapy ages ago!”

Again, guilt stabs at me. “I- I didn’t want to worry you. Plus, it’s expensive as hell, Tita Cam.”

“Fuck that,” she says. “Don’t worry about the money, worry about your mental health. My god!” She downs the whole cup. “You’re going to therapy. And if you chicken out, bahala ka sa buhay mo. [Whatever.] But I’ll drag your ass to therapy.”

I laugh, and watch as the evening breeze brushes through the trees and messes both our hair. I run a hand through my hair. “Opo [Yes], I will.”

“You know what? Nathan’s good,” she remarks.

Through the glass door that leads to the brightly-lit living room, we can both see Nathan, Aunt Mars and Sin on the sofa. Nathan’s holding Josh in his arms, playing with him, while Aunt Mars and Sin are talking about something animatedly. From time to time, Nathan laughs at something they’ve said. Then he catches me staring at him through the glass and grins. I smile and wave.

“I can’t believe Josh didn’t cry when he’s with Nathan,” Aunt Cam says, laughing lightly. “That kid hates everyone.”

I reply, “Nah, Nathan’s just good with children.”

“Do you think you and Nathan will get children?”

The question catches me off guard and I choke on air. “Tita Cam! God, can you not?” I laugh. “That’s way too fast.”

Aunt Cam shrugs, a mischievous grin on her face. “Joke lang. Don’t need to get your panties in a twist like that, Ryder.”

Nathan

Ryder and I start cleaning up the mess in his house.

Everyone has already left a while ago, and it’s already late. Mom texted me a while ago and said that I could stay for the night (even if I didn’t ask, but I'm grateful for it.) Ryder locks the sliding doors leading to the balcony and drags the floor-length curtains to cover it, the mighty evening blue gone in an instant. I feel great about today; it’s my first time going to someone’s birthday party who isn’t a distant cousin or one of my parents’ friends.

Though I’m bad at small talk, I managed to bond more with all my other friends. Also, Vahn’s surprisingly into Moomin, so we had a long conversation about that. Then Nick joined in and talked about the Moomin knife meme, which attracted Sin to our space. Soon after, Connor and Mae came and said something about using machetes to slice strawberries. Ryder appeared out of nowhere and started a whole debate about strawberry milk and chocolate milk, which determined who is ‘The Elite’. (It was the strawberry milk drinkers, so tough luck for Sin and Mae.)

“Hey, I told my aunt about it,” Ryder says, cleaning the dining table.

I look up from the sink. “How did it go?”

“Okay. She was just mad that I didn’t tell her before, but she agreed to send me to therapy.”

“That’s good to hear.” I smile. “So, um . . . when are you going?”

“Maybe a week after our finals. She still has to find a place and book an appointment.”

“Well, at least you’re doing it.”

“Yeah. Thanks, by the way,” he says, coming up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist. He kisses my neck softly.

“You’re welcome, bub.”

*

I can’t look. I nervously fiddle with the pant leg of my onesie as Ryder takes my gift in his hands.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked.

“Yes, of course,” Mae said.

“What if he doesn’t like it?”

She scoffs. “Stop worrying, hon. Ryder’s a total sap - he’ll love anything you give him, trust me.”

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up from the sofa and into Ryder’s concerned gaze.

“You okay?” he asks softly.

I nod, but I know my eyes will betray me. Then his hands find mine and so do his lips. It’s a quick peck, but it takes the worry off me immediately.

“Don’t worry so much, Nate.” He boops my nose and I smile. But my heart is still palpitating wildly in anticipation. I really hope he likes it.

He removes the lid of the box and nearly chokes on air. I startle, my heart ready to jump to the ceiling. “Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god,” Ryder says excitedly, holding his gift up. “You bought me a leather jacket!”

He grins so hard that relief floods me. I hold a hand to my heart, laughing as he gleefully puts it on and stands up, looking at himself.

“Whoa, I look so bad-ass.” Ryder laughs. He sits and hugs me tightly. “Thank you so much, Nate!”

I smile and tighten my arms around him. “I’m glad you like it!. You, um, you still have another present.”

Ryder pulls away to dig around the box, then gasps as he takes out an earring card with frog dangle earrings on them. “Nate . . .” he trails off and says nothing for a while.

My heart rate escalates. “I-I made them myself. With polymer clay,” I say, filling in the speechless void. “I, um, painted them and . . . it was supposed to be, uh, our first lab session with the- the frog. So I thought. . . .”

My fingers find their way to my onesie again, unable to stop fidgeting. I chew on the inside of my cheek anxiously, watching Ryder’s shocked expression.

“Do you . . . um, do you like it?” I ask him, my voice small.

Finally, he looks at me. “Do I like it?” he scoffs, but his turquoise eyes are glassy. A shaky smile forms on his lips. “I fucking love it,” he whispers, shaking his head.

This sudden influx of contradicting information is confusing me. My head dips to the side. “So . . .” I try again. “Do you like it?”

His head drops, and his shoulders start shaking. For a second I thought he’s laughing, but a few seconds later I heard him sniffle. Panic rises in me as I rush forward, holding his face.

“Ryder!” I wipe the rivulets of tears from his face. “Are you alright?”

He nods, then shakes his head.

“I’m really confused right now.”

He looks at me and bursts into another round of tears. I wrap my arms around his shaking shoulders and he does the same, burying his head in my neck.

“You’re scaring me.”

Ryder laughs softly in the middle of his sobfest. “I-I love them so much, I wanna wear them now, but- ” He sniffles. “ -I’ll cry even harder before I can do it.”

“Why?”

“I’m just a total sap.” He gently pulls away and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “You can give me something simple like a card and I’ll cry buckets over it.”

“I do have a card for you,” I say.

He covers his face, embarrassed. “I’m seriously going to cry again. I swear, Nate, you should stop that,” he says, then he peeks at me between his fingers. “Can you, uh, help me put the earrings on? My hands can’t stop shaking - I have to press them against my face so they don’t shake so noticeably.”

True enough, his hands are trembling. “Oh, sure,” I say and Ryder lowers his hands, knotting them nervously.

I remove his black studs and replace them with the pastel frog earrings. “Are they too heavy?” I ask.

He shakes his head, smiling. Then he fishes out his phone and opens the camera app, checking himself out. “Oh my god,” he whispers, “they’re so cute! Nate, I- ” He swallows, fresh tears forming in his eyes. “I love you so much.”

Taking his cold trembling hands in mine, I smile.  “I love you too, Ryder. And, um, I still have a card for you . . . but I suppose that’s out of the question- ”

“No, just give it to me. I won’t cry.”

*

He ends up crying, anyway.