Part thirty one

Michy's POV

Punching my damn wall after I came back to my room didn't do anything to ease the pain that I'm feeling in my heart. My behavior towards her tonight isn't justifiable, I can't give  any reasonable excuse to make up for it. I've hurt her in a way I never meant to, a way I wish I can do something to erase.

The most embarrassing thing is, I know why I behaved like that. As hard as I hate to admit it, I was a pussy, a wimp. I took out my anger and jealousy on her instead of drawing her closer to me now, I've pushed her far away, further than I want.

I was in a bad mood, a very angry mood after that meeting with my mother. Today she made me relive the most excruciatingly painful memory I have tried my best all these years to buried.

It set me in a state of great anguish that I left there and went over to Drake's. Her annoying ass nagging wife was at home, she made my mood worse so I left, going to a bar. I wish I consumed a lot of alcohol into my system, that way I would have forgotten how shitty my life is at the moment, maybe then I would have been so wasted and gone to bed and not go over to Monae's to wait for her, all these could have been avoided.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I came back home, the stench of alcohol that was once comforting made me want to gag. Ever since I met Monae two years ago, I don't know what came over me but I chose to be a different person. I decided to do away with my bad lifestyle, I made myself better for her because I knew deep down someday I was going to meet her. I quit drinking and I stopped having promiscuous affairs.

I realized after coming home, how quickly time had flown. In my fist of rage, I had forgotten Monae was at school and I needed to go pick her up but I didn't trust myself to go there sanely so I sent over Michy. He came back to tell me she said she wasn't going to come home and that she left with another man in his car.

My Monae with another man? I immediately sent Alex to tail her to find out who she went out with. You know Monae is naive, she doesn't know how unsafe she is out there in the hands of other men.

I went ballistic when Alex told me the man is no other than Rexford Winchester, that prick! That scumbag! I started thrashing things in my room, how can she do this not only to me but herself? She gladly went into the arms of the man who's family had caused her so much grief.

How could she?! I thought they were friends but after asking her who he was, she said a special friend, the way her eyes shone and her face lit up I knew there was something more than that. Right there and then I allowed my anger towards Rex and my jealousy rule me and get the better of me. Now I'm paying for it, I know if Elias were to be here he will be bitching in my ears why I should always control my anger.

Thankfully he isn't here and I need to get rid of this pain in my heart, I never knew love could be like this.

I walked out of my room, banging the door. Her room was across mine and as I passed by it, I heard what sounded like sobs coming from there. I badly wanted to go inside there and comfort, wipe away her tears and make up for my actions but I know it's a bad idea. I caused her the pain, I caused her to shed tears, my presence will be torturing enough and she also told me to stay away from her. I love her so very much, more than I ever though I'll love someone so I'm going to respect her wish.

I went into the kitchen, to the cabinet where Asabrewaa keeps the alcohol out of my reach. I opened it, coming into contact with the stash of vodka, whiskey, bourbon and wine bottles. I picked up two bottles of vodka and three of whiskey, I haven't done this in a long time but tonight, I'm going to drink my sorrows away.

I'm going to drink away the pain in my chest till I feel numb, incapable of feeling any pain.

******

The vodka and whiskey combination I made feels hot and burns my throat as it passes through into my stomach, I gulp down another glass. I don't know how many that is, I've lost count of it, all I know is, the more I keep gulping it down the more it relaxes me.

It has made me forget what happened actually but the guilt is still there. I hope drinking more glasses will ease it away.

So I sat there gulping down glass after glass until I was beyond wasted. I got up from my the floor and as I do so, the alcohol in my system's effect immediate sets in fully. I stagger with every step and my head feels like it's reeling, my room looks like it's going in circles as I walked towards my bed.

Without caring to get out my clothes, I dump my body on the bed and belch noisily. I release a giggle as I cover my mouth and rolled on the bed, facing the wall. It must be the alcohol because I saw on the walk what looked like Monae's face which slowly evolved into her. She strutted towards me with a smile on her face but it dropped and turned into a frown

when she looked down at my wasted body.

I extended my hands to reach out to her and I swear I felt her, I touched her, she was so real. Her smiles, beautiful face and her great body. I pulled her on the bed, flipping us over till I laid on top of her then I swirled my fingers in her cheeks, along her jawline to her lips which I caressed with my thumb.

As I leaned in to kiss her, I saw her give me a wide smile and slowly, slowly she vanished. I fell back on my side, feeling disappointed it was only my imaginations. My wild imaginations that I direly want to bring to reality.

But she felt so real like she was actually here with me in the bed. I shut my eyes as sleep sluggishly took over my body.

********

Waking up the next morning was a nightmare. My head felt like it was whirling the minute I drifted to consciousness and when I tried to open my eyes, they felt so drowsy. I had to shut them again and I just laid in the bed, trying to awaken my senses till I finally got up from bed.

"Damn!" I groaned as I slowly sat up in bed. I feel like I just run a marathon after a long time, jeez my whole muscles are aching me so bad and my head? It is worse than my aching body.

I gripped it tightly and splines around the room, trying to process why I am in this state. My eyes caught the alcohol bottles on the floor and the glass I used. Like a jolt, my drinking spree the previous night comes into memory.

I cringed at the thought of it and grimace at the sight of the bottles, I gave up drinking years ago yet last night I didn't wait a single minute to resort to it. I mentally chide myself, I'm disappointed in myself for drinking and also the reason behind why I drank but I push it back, it's painful reliving it.

"Wtf!" I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I look badder than I thought. My clothes were disheveled and so were my long curly hair, it's like I've grown facial hair overnight and the bags under my eyes are worse than ever.

"Eww." I scrunched my nose after sniffing my body, it's like I was immense in a ditch full off alcohol. I'm ashamed of myself jeez, I need to clean myself up before Asabrewaa sees me in this state and scolds me.

With my throbbing headache and weak aching body, I trudged out of my room passing by Nae's door again. I looked at it silently and walked away from it, taking the elevator since I'm so weak to the kitchen, I need to get ibuprofen for my headache and something to settle my stomach.

Getting into the kitchen, I deliberated on whether to go back to my room or go inside there and have the scolding of my life from Asabrewaa who was standing behind the cooker with her back turned to me, she couldn't see me but I know she sensed my presence.

I walked timidly like a young boy who's going to face the music for his reckless actions and stood beside the island table.

Asabrewaa turned to me but didn't look at me in the face as she pushed a bottle of Advil in front of me then added a glass of water to it.

I took two pills from it, putting them into my mouth before gulping down water. I set the glass on the table, not knowing what else to do. Asabrewaa wasn't talking to me and her silence is killing me, she's definitely going to scold me so she should just do it, they will jolt me back to my senses, maybe then I'll know how to get Monae to forgive me.

"What else do you need, more alcohol?"

I shook my head, too ashamed to speak. She was the person who helped me overcome my alcohol addiction, in the course of it I promised I was never ever going to touch a single alcohol and I've failed her. "No." I replied, my voice thick with guilt and shame, this middle aged woman isn't just my cook, she's my nanny and mother, she's been with me since university years and I have massive respect and admiration for her, going against her is like going against my mother and I didn't remember it when I gladly drown my sorrows in alcohol last night.

"I'm sorry—"

"This isn't the time to discuss that, we will later. For now go and get some rest in your room, I'll send your food up when I'm done preparing it."

"Please—"

"You had too much to drink last night Michy, go and rest, I'm sure your head is still pounding you, talking will make it worse."

The finality in her tone made me sigh in defeat and stopped myself from saying anything further.

"Okay but just know I'm sorry, sincerely sorry for breaking my promise." I said defeatedly, standing there without making an attempt to leave. I was hoping she was going to say something, anything but she said nothing.

Her silence and curtness shows how mad she is, I don't blame her. I brought all this upon myself so I might as well face the consequences.

It's surprising how your senses leave you when you're getting drunk but return the next day and make you feel how shitty of a person you are.

**********

After drying my hair and changing into a white tank top and grey sweatpants, I tied my hair into a bun on my head and made for my bed, plopping my body on it.

Seriously it was really a terrible idea to get drunk, ha, I feel sick within me and I threw up while taking a shower. I just hope it doesn't go beyond this, like me vomiting, being weak and all that else Asabrewaa is going to kill me, really.

I pulled the sheets over my body and shut my eyes, going to sleep like I've been instructed to. Between drifting off to sleep and still being conscious, I heard the door open followed by footsteps.

It must be Asabrewaa bringing my food and prolly to scold me or maybe later? I pretended I was asleep but when I caught the familiar scent of vanilla, musk and amber, I was surprised. I wanted to yank the sheets off me and get a glimpse of her then apologize to her though she doesn't want to hear of it.

Hope and happiness gnawed at my heart. She's here? Then I got confused, she said she doesn't want to set her eyes on me so how come she rather come to my room like she's looking for me or something?

I shoved the sheets from my head and rolled to the other side of the bed where I can see her. I watched as she looked around the room, taking in the appearance before she set the tray of food on my beside table. Pain and hurt gnawed at my heart seeing her ignoring me, she didn't look my way. Not even when she came closer to the bed and was fully aware I was watching her.

So this is how we end up, I mentally said to myself and let out a deep breath. In a span of not less than twenty four hours we've moved from being friends to... I don't know how to refer to what we are now, strangers? Or maybe ghosts? Cause she's totally ignoring me though seeing my presence in my room.

And I can't judge her or be mad at her, everything that is happening is my fault. I miss her but I can't tell her, I want to pull her in my arms and tickle her sides but I can't, I've lost that right to be that way with her and even

friends.

But I'll do anything.. literally anything. I'm ready to give anything so we go back to being how we were. This distant and separation between us is draining the little energy I have in me already.

What do I do?

"Nae."

Silence.

"Nae please—"

"Save it, please. Don't start getting ideas that because I've come into your room what I said last night doesn't still stand or I care about you. I don't, I only came here because Asabrewaa asked me to and not because I care for you or your lame excuses to justify anything."

Within seconds, I scramble out of bed and walk to her, kneeling in front of her. I'm so desperate for her forgiveness that I'll do anything to have it, anything even if kneeling down and succumbing to her I will and I have.

"I know that no amount of excuses that I say can undo the pain I've caused you. I've caused you so much pain and I'm living every second of my life with the guilt in my heart and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but it will mean so much to me if you do forgive me. I promise on what I hold dear the most I'll never repeat my actions ever again." My voice comes out as a sob and I bite the insides of my cheeks to prevent myself from crying, it's so unmanly yet humane. I've embarrassed myself in front of her, I just don't want to do it's again.

She looks conflicted as she darts her eyes around. I was filled with hope that maybe she was going to forgive me when she opened her mouth to speak but she closed it and turn her back to me, walking away from me.

"I wish it were that easy to forgive you, I wish I could say I forgive you and that's that but no, the pain you've caused in my heart can't be undone by just a few words spoken out of remorse. It will take more than that and even I don't know how.." she snapped but her voice betrayed her, it was shaky like she was ready to cry any minute.

I couldn't say anything myself. Just one word from me and I'll be swimming in a pool of tears and her words, her words have pinched my heart. They have extinguished every hope of us ever bridging this wide gap that is between us now and now.. I'll have to...deal with being... away from her... for the rest of my life with the guilt of how I hurt her on my conscience every second.

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