115 | lobster; the beauty in terror

Wisteria dove into the depths of the mountain, deeper than Kaden could've wandered to alone. The space around them was isolated, a simmering danger thrumming in the air.

They flew until the light bled away and only darkness remained. Kaden blinked, his eyes slowly readjusting to his surroundings.

He swallowed. This darkness reminded him of the Room, an isolated space driven away from life and daylight, trapped.

His chest squeezed and his breath caught in his throat. It was suffocating, the air around him stiffing, yet he could not turn away in light of his fears.

They all told him that he was always running. This once, couldn't he run towards Noah, instead of away?

If he did that, a thing nearly impossible to consider realistically, how would his world change?

Would he break free of the cycle of misery he put himself in?

But that was frightening; rather than a fleeting happiness he couldn't predict, he preferred the despair that he knew.

Wisteria's faint and gloomy voice filtered into his mind. "Are you already frightened, human? It will be like you can't breathe, ash, and soot coating your lungs as you gasp for breath. Turn back."

Kaden pressed his palms flat, uncomfortable. Noah's expansive back and his beautiful scales were much more comforting.

"Would you let me? You're the obsessive, clingy type of brother, aren't you? You remind me a little of somebody I know," mused Kaden, putting on a facade of confidence.

"I would," hissed the dragon irritably. "And I would fly you far away and dump your body in an isolated space he'd never find you."

"He would be upset."

"He would be alive," retorted Wisteria quietly. "And I wonder if he will be if he chooses you."

Kaden settled into his body, trying to relax his stiff limbs. He gazed ahead, seeing nothing but planes of rock and never-ending darkness.

The wind rushed past him as the dragon dove and swept across the air, and it was liberating.

Like nothing he'd felt before. He'd never ridden on the back of a dragon before, flying through the air as if he dominated it. All these new experiences, all these things he would've never known.

He smiled faintly, taking a deep breath. "I can assure you, little dragon—"

"I'm not little."

"—I will burn this kingdom before I allow his death." Kaden looked down at his hands, scarred and ugly underneath gloves. "Even if I burned with it, I'm confident that I could do it."

"You couldn't. That is not in your nature."

"And I didn't think it was in my nature to need somebody as much as I do," replied the man quietly. "And here we are."

The dragon dropped, sending Kaden's heart leaping out of his chest as he gasped. Wisteria flapped his wings, lifting them back up, annoyance prickling on his back.

"Hah. What's with the full flip? Humans are full of lies."

"It's not a flip."

There was no sudden confidence or certainty—he felt entirely ill and terrified, horror making itself known in his stomach. His mind argued with him, a reminder of all the things he thought he knew.

Kaden was still terrified, pathetically horrified, but he was going to Noah anyway.

Wisteria scoffed, snorting before he deposited Kaden onto the uneven ground, causing the other to groan in pain. The dragon rose in the air, coldly peering down through slitted eyes.

"Walk forward. It's already too late for you to turn back."

"I won't be turning back." Kaden turned, squinting into the darkness that led a straight path through the jagged stone, a narrow crevice that could barely fit a person before him.

He walked over, pressing himself between the stone, breathing slow and steady. It nudged at his back and front, compressing his chest.

Slowly, he continued to inch himself through, focusing on controlling his stuffed breathing.

It was narrow and dark and he could barely move, he felt trapped and—breathe.

He didn't know how long it was as he shuffled down an endless tunnel when the glow of purple and blue hues pulsed at the corner of his eye.

He was at the heart of the mountain, power and ancient wisdom pulsing in the veins of the stones and all around him. Jagged rocks protruded from the walls like the skeletal fingers of a primordial creature, long deceased.

Pushing past the last space, he tumbled into an open space and gasped, pressing his hands flat against his heaving chest.

He raised his eyes slowly, the fractured reflection of the crystal clear water dancing across his vision. It glowed, lit from within by a rich and luxurious shade of purple.

Above, stalactites covered the expanse of the ceiling, clustered together like hanging icicles, their sharp points ready to collapse at any moment. Along the cracks of the jagged stone walls, little plants sprouted with a glow of purple and blues, small clusters of mushrooms huddling in the tiny crevices.

And there, across the lake, a slumbering beast curled into himself, powerful wings folded beside.

It was a scene from an ancient legend, a depiction of power and fantasy illustrated into reality. A majestic and quiet beast, their every breath sending a strum of power across the water's surface.

A drop of water pooled at the end of the stalactites, delicately dropping into the lake.

The air was thick with the scent of moss and mud and the unmistakable stench of blood. Kaden stood, staring across the water.

The pair of fathomless black pupils slowly revealed themselves, reflecting the myriad of colours that painted the night sky in his gaze.

The dragon jerked, struggling to lift his body. "...You're here."

Confusion. Uncertainty. Fear.

"You called," said Kaden quietly, stepping into the cold water as it lapped against his legs. "All this time. And I never answered."

"Leave," The dragon dragged his body closer to the wall, retreating into the shadows where the glowing light couldn't reach. "Return at once, Chauvet."

"I'm answering you now, Bellamy. With every truth I've withheld from you in my cowardliness."

"I'm not suggesting, I'm demanding. Leave, fool."

He lifted his body and slumped to the ground, a carving pain rippling across the sleek black scales pebbled with pure white scattered across.

Kaden was half submerged, the fabric of his shirt floating around him, water creeping up and around him.

He felt weightless in the water, purple streaming around him as he slowly made his way across. The water wasn't deep; his feet grazed the bottom as the water crept to his neck.

Then the cold twisted, filling his wounds and injuries, and his entire body began to burn, heated from within as pain pressed underneath his skin.

Noah, still injured, growled lowly and struggled to drag his body closer. "Get out. If you weren't injured, it would be fine."

Kaden hissed but did not move to leave. "What is this?"

"The water, when consumed or touching injuries, inflames and amplifies your pain. It... it is used when we lose control. That is supposed to clear our minds."

"Clear your mind with agony? Pain?"

Horror wrote itself over Kaden's face even in his discomfort. He imagined the young dragon, learning to control his abilities in this small cave.

Beautiful, at a glance, but poisonous. The tempting water was an agony, and what were those plants? Prickling with danger?

Noah read his thoughts, resting his head on the ground with a huff. "If you've realized, then leave. This is no place for a human. Full of temptations, yet nothing is a treasure."

Dragons loved beautiful things. Young dragons, unaware and blissfully possessive and wanting, would try to capture everything in this cave.

The shimmering lake that shone with luxuries, the plants that pulsed with a tempting glow of life, the stalactites that hung like polished icicles. All were temptations—and if they lacked restraint and sought to covet them, they would be met with unbearable pain.

It was a training, a punishment, and a ritual all in one. In order to train restraint and serve as a reminder.

When they grew older, this space served as a reminder of their teachings. The injured would sip at the water, and the pain that flared up their insides would startle them into awareness, ensuring they didn't become a liability and danger to the outside world.

For Noah, it stripped him of his human skin and reminded him of his hideous, frightening disposition rooted in nature.

The cave was designed for dragons; therefore, the poison would not affect Kaden as harshly, although its effects were unpredictable.

Noah wanted to shrink away, to melt into the shadows that were second nature. In his human form, he could be cold and calm, restraint was easier when he was pretending to be what he wasn't.

Here, everything was exposed and his mind was blurry as it desperately grasped onto his restraints. He didn't want to see Kaden.

Kaden squirmed in the water, feeling the burn penetrate his skin deeper as time passed. But he had come here, not to run away again, but to be somebody worthy of this dragon.

Noah's return to him was a startling reminder; of his need and want, his inability to live without.

He continued through the water calmly; if there was anything he knew how to endure, it was pain. And a treasure awaited on the other side, the large dragon shrinking back, sharp eyes glaring.

When he reached the other side, Noah was fully pressed against the concaved wall, venomous.

Kaden pushed back his hair dripping with water, the air prickling painfully against his tender skin that was shaded red.

He shook off some water, squeezing the excess from his shirt. "I look like a boiled lobster, don't I, Bellamy?"

"Head back, Chauvet," came a low growl.

"Do you fancy double-boiled shellfish?" Kaden tilted his chin, green eyes gleaming in the lapping glow behind him. "If you do, I'll swim back. But I'll have to swim here again, and it'll be triple-boiled."

"I've no interest in your jokes today."

"Then tomorrow?"

Was this how Noah felt, always pursuing and being rejected? Denied of the care he wanted to provide?

They fell into the webs of each other's company, unable to untangle themselves. And yet, both were unwilling to show their ugly sides, frightened of being abandoned or rejected.

Kaden wanted Noah to live; even if he himself became a withered and ugly shell, bathed in blood and death, never to see light again.

Noah wanted Kaden to live; even if it meant denying all his own ugly sides, possessive and cruel, and never being seen.

Weren't they ridiculously complicated for no reason?

"I already can't go back, you all ruined that for me when you blew a hole in my home," started Kaden as he approached, carefully maintaining distance. He wanted to be closer. "I've had to reinvent my thinking, dragon dearest."

"You're frightened, Chauvet," remarked Noah as his tail dragged across the ground, his movement creating small murmurs in the ground.

Kaden looked down at his shivering, red arms and the goosebumps lining his skin. He could not deny, in the presence of Noah's failing restraint, he felt a deep-rooted fear.

He smiled awkwardly. "I know."

"If you know—"

"But I won't be leaving." Kaden inched closer, squatting down with a soft sigh. "I'm scared, Bellamy. That my being here will ruin you rather than save you, that I should've stayed in the castle."

"I'm scared that everything I've done will boil into nothing, and that I've made no mark, no change. I'm scared, now that I'm without Reed, you will abandon me too." His expression twisted, falling into wrenching despair. "Is it impossible for my time to start moving again?"

He failed and failed, and failed. The first life, his misery, and compliance ruined him. In that second, he accomplished nothing and died alone. In this, he fell into the same path and lost sight of himself.

Could he save nothing? All his talk and no success?

Who would die next in the companions he found?

Had he not changed, after all this time, stuck in the body of a sinner that had nobody, destined for death?

"Chauvet," Noah closed his eyes and saw the outline of a quiet, lonely figure that falsely smiled at him. He blinked, and the image disappeared. "You are not the same as you'd been."

Kaden stared at him, swallowing. "Can I come closer?"

"No. Leave or stay there."

Kaden remained for a few seconds, red-skinned and dripping with water like an abandoned but obedient dog. He painted a pathetic and miserable image that made Noah frown.

Then, he slowly moved. Unlike Noah, he wasn't considerate or kind, he wasn't obedient and patient, nor could he pretend to be.

Had the dragon known his thoughts, he would've sneered.

Kaden took it in fully then, no distractions to steal away his fixed gaze. The beautiful curve of large, deadly wings that would carry him through the skies.

The brush of scales across his body, in the deepest night with pebbles of pure white, like the stars scattered across the evening sky.

Sharp, menacing talons that could steal life with one swipe, a fathomless glare, swirling with venom and violence.

An ancient power that strummed in the air, trembling in the space that surrounded the lying beast, and a single twisted horn protruding from his head. There was a second, merely a stump of what it'd once been, sliced at its root.

Kaden tentatively brushed the dragon's wings and Noah flinched, jerking away hesitantly. His movements caused his wings to sway, and a thin slice of blood was drawn across Kaden's cheek.

"Chauvet," Noah warned, seeing the red bloom in the thin cut. "Leave."

Kaden ignored the injury, pressing closer. He quietly slipped off his gloves, wincing at the hideous and marred skin that had worsened in the years, disfigured by scars and bruises.

Noah, deathly frightened of adding another injury to Kaden's already pained body, remained deathly still.

A hand pressed against his wing again, and he stiffened, every muscle tensed. The hand was warm but calloused, rough against the thin membrane but not uncomfortable.

Noah's fear and disdain towards himself were unmistakable; Kaden had never considered the weight of the dragon's abhorrence.

He pressed a kiss to the shivering wings, gentle and fleeting. "Noah," he started softly, the fears and thoughts of the dragon vivid. "Do not fear what you are."

To this dragon who comforted him for all these days, the one who bandaged his injuries and reminded him of what it was to feel alive, in pain and sorrows, in happiness and struggles.

"You're beautiful."

He continued the unsteady patter of light touches and kisses, an attentive adoration in his every moment.

Noah shivered, gritting his teeth. Kaden moved, reaching the dragon's scaled and frightening face, the sharp points of his teeth and the cat-like eyes, slanted and dark.

"I never told you my answer back then, Bellamy."

He swallowed, hesitant. But despite his hesitation, despite his fears, despite the words stuck in his throat and refusing their exit, he would not run away again.

"More than loving you, I fear losing you more. You had the misfortune to meet me, but I think, even if I were to turn back time, I would hope for you to meet that same misfortune."

Kaden choked. "I'd wish you all the misfortunes in the world if that meant having you."

That was his selfish truth.

The dragon's body rumbled, twisting and jerking as his large body shrank, scales digging back into his skin as the jarring cracking of bones echoed across the cave.

Rock fragments and dirt kicked around him and within seconds, a man with one horn tilted his head down, pressing an urgent kiss onto the sinner.

Expansive, black and white wings engulfed the battered pair, covered in injuries both old and new.

"You're not a misfortune, Kaden," exhaled Noah in between their frenzied kisses, the warmth of their bodies intertwining.

Kaden smiled wryly, breathing heavily. He felt uncertainty surge up his body and pressed another clumsy kiss against Noah's reddened lips. "A boiled lobster, then?"

"My boiled lobster," he said and felt ridiculous saying it.

He sunk his weight onto Kaden, draping his body over the sinner with a deep, exasperated sigh.

"You're adding possessive terms now? I don't think I gave my consent," Kaden teased, raising his eyebrows.

Noah shook his head with a huff. "For once, I don't care for your opinion."

"What happened to the patient, stupidly heroic dragon I knew?"

"I'm not—"

Kaden lifted Noah's head, stealing another kiss. His eyes softened at the corners, any dullness gone. "I know. And I'm sorry it took me so long to understand."

Noah closed his eyes, a deep pain still throbbing in his body. But he lowered his head, listening to the quiet, rhythmic beats of Kaden's heart, a constant and reassuring sound.

Exhaustion settled in his body and they both fell backward onto the ground, with Noah's weight draped across Kaden.

Soon, Noah's breathing settled, relaxation softening his body. Kaden laughed quietly—the dragon must've been exhausted, constantly alert, and in pain, only to relax now.

To think that he could be a comfort to another person.

Kaden closed his eyes, and for the first night in many years, he dreamed of nothing.

———xxx———

Lukiyo says,

There are days I look at my closest friends and feel a startling awareness of how little I know them. I wonder about their deepest worries, how they behave around their family versus friends, what justifications they make themselves, what they think in a quiet car as they gaze out the window.

I wonder all those things and more, and the knowledge that I have no answers to any of it and will likely never know is both strange and uncomfortable.

But sometimes, I feel a little grateful. Because knowing somebody can be frightening, and to know the ugliest truths of a person can make you disillusioned. Even if you think you can accept everything, what if the very character you defended was all an elaborate act?

But a person who 'pretends' to be somebody else isn't exactly faking it either. It's more like displaying one side of themselves and hiding another. If that 'false' persona is the face they wear, then it is them. It isn't a lie.

Anyway, I'm rambling (as always). We're here with Noah's ugliest self-hatred and worries, the extent of his possible violence (although he makes a working attempt to keep his emotions steady). These are all the sides that in the beginning, Kaden refused to see.

I think they're coming along to knowing each other more. Maybe, if it's them, they'll be able to learn the answer to all those things I wondered.

But even if they didn't, I think they'll be okay now.

See you Thursday ^^