14. 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒐? 𝑯𝒐𝒘 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒙 𝒊𝒕?

Birds chirped in the morning air as I arranged the breakfast I ordered for Hassan and I. It was a bright day and the room was already illuminated and it wasn't even nine o'clock yet.

After our Fajr prayers, hassan being uncharacteristically quiet had gone back to bed and he was still there, which again was not like him at all.

I just finished laying everything out on the table when hassan sluggishly walked into the sitting room of our suite.

"Hey sweetheart" He greeted walking over to give me a hug and forehead kiss.

"Hey" I reply softly as I hugged him back but tightened my hold on him when he tried to pull away.

"Okay?" I enquired. My mind was still racing with questions about the early hours of the morning. I was still haunted by the look in his eyes.

"I'm alright baby, I just... It's nothing to worry about. I had a bad dream and was shaken up about. Nothing to it" He responded as he looked everywhere but at my face. His posture stiff and uneasy.

A bad dream? That would explain how shaken up he was. And he's probably uncomfortable because he doesn't want to tell me what his dream was about.

"Alhamdulilah then" I responded giving out a sigh of relief as I grabbed his hand and pulled him down to sit beside me.

I grabbed a pancake off the plate and spread some chocolate in it then held it up to Hassan's mouth whispering bismillah and he said the same as he took a bite off of it. He wriggled his thick dark eyebrows as I also took a bite off the same area resulting in me blushing and giving him a light shove.

I got a plate that came in with the breakfast tray and served Hassan and myself breakfast, accompanied by glasses of orange juice. As we began eating, I tuned in the television and accessed Netflix to indulge in watching Harry Potter. However, after a brief moment, I noticed that Hassan wasn't eating at all ; instead, he seemed absorbed in contemplation, absently shifting the food on his plate.

I put my plate down and grabbed hold of his, startling him in the process as I playfully said, "If you wanted me to feed you, all you had to do was ask"

He stared intently at me, his eyes swirling with emotion as his cheeks tinted a light pink, giving out a light chuckle.

And that was how I fed hassan his breakfast while we watched harry potter together with me being a nerd by reciting my favorite parts of the dialogue word for word. Hassan was once again being unusually quiet.

"Nur Ayn?" Hassan called from beside me when the Deathly hallows part 1 ended.

"Na'am" I responded turning to face him.

"Can we...can we stay inside for the day?" He asked while looking at his fingers that were resting on my lap.

I felt my face twist into confusion as i took in his words. Stay inside? This came as a shock to me because he was the most excited for us to go out today and explore the Louvre museum as he was a history geek. He couldn't stop talking about it yesterday morning.

He noticed the look on my face and gave out an exhausted sigh as he rubbed his face roughly, " I'm sorry I'm being such a downer, I just don't have the energy today. I already feel exhausted and the day has just begun"

"Hassan, are you coming down with a cold or something?" I asked worriedly, as I took his hands in mine.

He hesitated as he replied, "Probably that now that I think about it" He must already feel bad about canceling our day out but all I really cared about was him getting better.

"Of course we can stay inside. Later on I'll order up some chicken soup for you"

"Thank you" He said, relieved as he got up and gave me a kiss on the forehead "I'm gonna go lay down for a while" He's already going back to bed?

"You want me to come keep you company?" I asked, peering up at him.

He turned to look at me in surprise, "You want to just lay with me, doing nothing at all?"

I approach Hassan, sensing something different from him ."I don't mind" I offer with genuine smile.

He looks away, his tone carrying a certain weight. "I just need some time alone right now," gently rejecting my offer.

I stand there, the unspoken emotions hanging between us. "Alright, then I'll be here," I say softly, left alone with a mix of concern, understanding and a hint of sadness.

As Hassan walked away, a silent ache settled in the air. I watch him, his steps heavy. The distance grows and I'm left standing there, a quiet observer of the unspoken heaviness that envelops him. I can't help but feel a sense of longing mixed with the understanding that, for now, he needed his solitude.

~

Hassan's Pov

In a small, bright doctor's office, the walls painted in light blue, I squirmed on the cold examination table. My dad sat beside me, wearing his serious face that he puts on when grown-up stuff is happening. I can't help feeling like this wasn't a happy visit. But this is how I always feel when coming to the doctors.

The doctor, with his shiny glasses, looked at me and said, "Hassan, it seems like you might have something called 'depression.'" I didn't really know what that meant, but it sounded big and scary.

My dad's hand squeezed my shoulder, "What can we do? How can we fix it?"

The doctor smiled kindly at my dad then turned to me, "Well, London has these super-duper good doctors for kids like you. They know all about feelings and how to make them better. Maybe we should visit them."

I looked at my dad, his face a mix of worry and love. The idea of going to London sounded like an adventure, and I love adventures but I was a bit scared too.

The doctor and my dad spoke in hushed tones while I played with my yoyo. I didn't bother trying to listen because grown up talks are so boring.

The doctor gave me a sticker with a smiling sun on it before he left the room, trying to make everything seem okay, but I felt like my world was turning into a puzzle I didn't understand. And I am really good at puzzles.

"But dad, all my friends are here" I whined when my dad asked how I felt about going to London. It took me so long to finally be henry's bestest friend and I just got in the football team!

"I know buddy, but don't you want to stop feeling tired and sad all the time?" He asked sadly, giving my head a rub.

He is right there. I just get sad or have no energy and it really messes with my play time! Maybe this could be what I needed.

"Okay dad. As long as I get to come back when I want"

He got up and gave me a warm hug- dad gives the best hugs after mom- and promised that I could.

Trigger Warning- depression

You know, sometimes it feels like there's this heavy fog, a kind of invisible weight that settles over everything. It's like I'm walking through this dense mist, and no matter how much I try to see clearly, everything remains hazy. The simplest tasks become a struggle, and the energy to engage with the world feels drained.

There's this disconnection, a distance that grows even in the midst of company. Conversations become echoes in my mind, and laughter feels like a distant memory. It's not that I want to push people away, but there's this force field of numbness that wraps around me.

Every step becomes a deliberate effort, and I find myself retracing the same paths, lost in the labyrinth of my thoughts. The colors of the world seem muted, and even the warmth of sunlight doesn't quite reach through.

It's like trying to hold onto water, slipping through my fingers, and the more I grasp, the more it escapes from me. There's this ache, a silent symphony of emotions playing in the background, and I'm left trying to decipher a language I can't quite comprehend. There's a dark wall in between us.

I wish I could articulate it better, put into words what's happening inside, but it's as if the vocabulary fails me. So, I search this internal landscape, hoping for a clearing in the fog, a moment where the weight lifts, and I can breathe without the burden of shadows.

When I would go through my episodes, I would spent countless nights crying to Allah to heal me. To remove this sadness from within me. I had soaked my mat as I would stay in Sujood for what felt like hours pleading for Allah to heal me. I would cry out into the night feeling helpless and lonely.

I would wake up for night prayers just to run away from the depressive thoughts plaguing my mind. Thoughts that would blare out in my mind that I didn't deserve happiness, that I was worthless, that I shouldn't be alive. I only ever found peace when I prayed to my Rabb.

I often found myself repeating the verse,

Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear

Nobody is burdened with any difficulties in which they are physically or mentally incapable of bearing.It means Allah chooses to test us even in the most challenging circumstances because he is confident we will overcome the challenge.  And this gave me relief, to know that Allah wouldn't have let this happen if he knew I couldn't get over it. And so I pray for my overcoming of this illness.

But the journey towards it is the hardest battle of my life. I would take my medication but I would feel like I hadn't. All it really did was make me feel groggy and tired, emotionally. It made me feel like I couldn't feel. It's like the drug just erases away any feeling since it can't stop the negative ones.

I would have to fight through my slump to get up and pray and would take extra long in my last sujood not wanting to leave.

But I was getting better. I was getting better for her. But all that changed yesterday night as these unwelcome but familiar feelings roused up in me, pushing me into a state of panic. I had rushed to the toilet to find my hidden bottle of antidepressants and apparently made too much noise as it woke her up.

She can't know how damaged I am. She can't be weighed down by my inability to be normal. Would she even want to be with me once she figures out how broken I am?

I had begged my father not to tell anyone about my disease. But I failed to take into account how i was supposed to hide my problem now that I lived with my wife.

No. She cannot find out. I cannot let her see me like this. I just got something good and I will do everything to keep things the way they are.

Even if I have to push her away for a while to do so.

~

Phew, heavy chapter huh.

You're loved, you're a gem. And u can get through this. Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond that it can bear. You got this!

PLEASE (guys this is getting out of hand) comment and vote.

#FREEPALESTINE  #FREECONGO

#FREESUDAN

Assalamu alaikum BYE!