16. 𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆

Hassan's Pov

Sitting by the window, I found my thoughts consumed by the growing distance between Halimah and I. That I caused. I feel like a jerk. But I'm genuinely convinced that this is for the best.

Halimah had gone out with her cousin but was first going to visit her parents and asked me to come with but I made up some excuse about having a headache to avoid seeing her parents in my current mental state. I'm already doing everything I can to not let halimah sense how sad I am. I couldn't possibly do the same with extra pairs of eyes on me.

These past days, I've been in a major slump. I have no motivation to get up and socialise. Halimah is certainly getting the brunt of it all. I just want this episode to pass so I can start acting normal again. I hope she hasn't given up on me yet. I wouldn't blame her if she did. But I would be totally shattered if she did and there's no telling if I will be able to get back up again after that.

I can see the hurt on her these past days of the honeymoon I totally  destroyed. But I'd rather she thinks I'm too busy than her finding out how messed up I am in the head. She doesn't need to find out. She can't. Shielding her from my internal battles is the right choice. This isolation would spare her from the burden of my depression.

While we were still in France , I would say I had meetings to attend while really I would just go to the other room I booked and wallow in self pity about why I wasn't normal. It's pathetic but I physically couldn't do much with all these depressing thoughts weighing heavily on my shoulders.

The weight on my shoulders grows heavier each day, a silent struggle that exhausts me. The sadness lingers, like a shadow refusing to fade. I'm tired – tired of wearing a mask, tired of pretending everything is fine. Keeping it hidden from Halimah feels like a never-ending battle, a constant act to shield her from the storm within me. It's hard to carry this burden alone, but I fear revealing it would only darken her world, and I can't bear to be the cause of her pain.

I broke out of my thoughts when I heard my phone vibrate on the table beside the chair i was sitting on, I picked it up and saw it was my father calling me. I took a deep breath before picking up the phone.

"Assalamu alaikum Dad"

"Assalamu alaikum Hassan my boy, How are you? How was your honeymoon? I saw Halimah next door and she said you weren't feeling well, and-"

"I'm currently in one of my episodes dad" I never could hide things from the old man. He's my best friend honestly.

There was silence on the line for a few moments then he responded, "Have you been taking your drugs Hassan?"

I hesitated as I tried to find the words to explain myself but he spoke again frantically, " You stopped taking them again? Hassan we have been through this. They help you better manage your emotions!"

"I can't risk her seeing my prescription bottle dad" I replied quietly.

Normally when I had my episodes, it would last for almost two weeks while I was on medication but I couldn't risk Halimah finding my anti depressants bottle lying down somewhere so I would hardly take them out of their hiding place. So no, I haven't been taking them as I should.

"She already knows anyways so why-"

He seemed to come to the realisation as he mutters to himself.

"You haven't told her?" He asked in a disappointed tone after another silence.

I start to shake my head but realise he obviously can't see me.

"No"

"Hassan. You can't carry this burden alone. Halimah cares about you, she deserves to know. Hiding your pain won't protect her, it only widens the distance between you both further."

"But dad-"

"No listen to me. I have witnessed you be so hard on yourself because you feel you aren't enough. Haven't I always told you that Allah tests those he loves? You think Allah would be letting this happen to you if he didn't know you could take it? Allah wants you close to him so he provided you with a situation where you will always have no other choice but to turn to him and talk to him. You say Alhamdulilah and you thank him for the ways he has blessed you and continues to bless you. You have sabr and love him even more. Do you hear me son?"

Tears welled up as I held the phone close, my dad's words echoing in my mind. Unable to contain the emotions any longer, I let the tears fall.

"Yes sir" I managed to say out after I contained my sobs.

"Good. Now you're gonna talk to her when she comes back and tell her everything and you must allow her to be there for you. You never even gave her a chance to show you she's there for you. Let your wife be the emotional support we both know you badly need. Stop torturing yourself. And think of yourself for once. Now I'm coming over to your house to talk about this more, I will try to leave before she comes back and you will tell her when she comes home, won't you?"

"I will dad, I promise"

"Good. I love you Hassan. May Allah put Khair in all your affairs"

"I love you too Dad, jazzakallahu'khairan"

" Wa iyakki. I'll see you soon"

We spoke for a few minutes and said our goodbyes and I was enveloped in silence again.

Would her love and perception of me remain the same once she learns my secret? Halimah has never given me any reason to doubt her love. She embodies everything I could ever wish for. My certainty about keeping this from her was unwavering, but my dad shattered my resolve. He understands me more than anyone; I owe him everything.

I love Halimah and can't bear the thought of her being apart from me. I need to tell her. Even if she decides to leave, I want it to be with me, laying bare my soul, with no secrets between us. I've made a mess of things. How do I repair this? Ya Rabb, guide me.

~

Halimah's Pov

I let out a tired sigh as I stared at the mansion that seemed to loom over me with promises of silence and tension. I wasn't tired mentally but definitely emotionally.

Ayesha had just dropped me off after our cafe date and I honestly was dreading going home and was trying to extend our date but she claimed she had errands to run. But I highly suspected she was going home to watch her tv shows. I probably would have done the same if I had something to look forward to. But this is not the case.

I walked up the pathway and unlocked the front door and as I entered i could hear the pitter-patter of footsteps approaching the front door.

Hassan and Uncle Adam were walking towards me as I took off my shoes.

I saw hassan looking as exhausted as ever but he seemed to be better. I don't know how to explain it but there was a a lot more energy from him compared to these past days.

"Assalamu Alaikum" I greeted as cheerfully as I could, as I felt Hassan's gaze on me.

"Wa alaikum salam" I heard Hassan answer quietly beside his father.

"Halimah dear, how are you?" Uncle Adam asked warmly as he beamed at me.

We conversed a bit then he had to leave but not before making us promise to come see them soon.

The resonance of the closing door echoed through the room as I circled around Hassan, heading toward the staircase. I wanted to escape the silence when a gentle yet firm hand landed on my shoulder, halting my steps.

A sudden stillness enveloped the air, and I stood frozen in shock, unsure of how to react. The weight of anticipation hung in the silence as I held my breath, wondering what was going to happen next.

Then, a nervous whisper cut through the quiet, breaking the tension. "C-can I talk to you?" he stammered. "That's... if you want to. I won't blame you if you don't, honestly, but I need to speak to you."

The vulnerability in his voice allowed me to catch a glimpse into the internal struggle he was facing. What sort of conversation did he have with his father? It obviously played an important role in the shift of his behaviour towards me.

"Please baby" He pleaded as he walked to stand in-front of me, taking my hands in his and rubbing them gently.

My resolve broke and tears welled up in my eyes as I heard the familiar term of endearment that I hadn't heard in what seems like years but really was probably a week as he touched me affectionately.

His face twisted in remorse as he heard me sniffle and saw the tears in my eyes.

"Okay" I responded quietly.

I honestly just wanted to curl up and cry because of all the emotions I was feeling at once. I was incredibly sad. I was relieved that there was some progress being made. I was happy because it seemed my Tahajjud prayer is being answered right this moment. I felt hurt that it took this long. I was feeling so many different emotions at once. But I know that I couldn't let this opportunity to have a conversation pass me.

He gently pulled me to the living room and we sat side by side. I turned to my left to properly face hassan as I fiddled with my hands in anticipation for what was to come.

He took in a shaky breath as he seemed to talk himself into whatever he was planning to tell me.

"I have no excuse for the way I have been treating you this past week. I was so in my head about how I should handle things that I never thought of how my actions would make you feel. I love you so much halimah and I thought I was doing this for us not knowing I was actually ruining our relationship. But Allah knows that was never my intention. He brought you into my life when I least expected it and I thank him everyday for bringing you to me"

This is the most hassan has spoken ever at once and I was left in shock as I heard what he just said. I'm so relieved and happy to know that he still loves and cares about me while acknowledging his actions this past week but I'm also scared about what has him so nervous right now. What is he going to tell me?

He reached down, beside the feet of the couch and grabbed a small plastic container-a medicine bottle?

"Please don't leave me" He whispers as his eyes well up with tears. I quickly looked up in surprise as I heard his words but he simply shook his head as he gave me the bottle.

As Hassan handed me the small plastic bottle, it's cool surface felt oddly weighty in my hands. I inspected the label, revealing details about the medication, dosages, and the prescribing doctor. Unaware of its nature, I couldn't help but be curious about the sound of pills gently shifting inside.

As I glanced at the contents, It dawned on me that this was more than just a routine medication. The realization deepened as Hassan, with a vulnerability that touched my heart, uttered,

"I suffer from major depressive disorder."

~

Eeeek! She finally knows.

Double update too, I was just so excited to get this out!

Let me know what you think.

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Jazzakallahu'khairan🤍!