17. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈

A surge of shock and disbelief coursed through me, my eyes widening as his words registered in my head. The gravity of his revelation sank in—depression? That can't be. Hassan, the one who often outshines me in smiles, how could he be battling with depression when he was always making me me laugh and always in a good mood ? How could I have missed the signs?

His gaze avoided mine, lingering on the floor. My heart ached with empathy, realizing the courage it took for him to reveal such a personal struggle.

"I know this isn't what you bargained for but I swear I'll do my best to feel better for you. I will not weigh you down halimah. Please don't let me go. I just need you here with me. I know I should have told you but I was getting better, wallah. Please Nur Ayn"

He looked at me with pleading eyes as he anticipated my response.

Seeing Hassan so open was a surprise. He shared something deep, something he hadn't really shown before. It made me realize there's a side of him I haven't really seen, and I want to explore that more. His honesty and how he let his feelings out were like discovering a whole new part of him, and it got me curious about what else might be hidden beneath the surface.

I feel my eyes well up in tears as I threw my arms around hassan and he just melted in my arms, his strong arms tightening around me as he let out a sigh.

We pulled away from each other after a little while. I almost didn't want to let go and even Hassan seemed reluctant to let go.

"I want to know everything," I implored, scooting closer, my tone apologetic. I couldn't have known but I knew that something was going on with him. Yes, I did ask and he would deflect but I should have pushed harder.

He took a big breath and then spoke, "The disease creeped up on me. It took away the one thing I was always known for. I was always a happy kid growing up. You'd always catch me with a smile. I don't even know why but I guess that was just childhood innocence. My mom would always say how I was the perfect baby and toddler, I hardly cried at all. I started getting into these moods when I was six, I would just get either so mad or so sad and the exhaustion. I would feel so tired and wouldn't want to do anything. I had no motivation to do anything. And this was weird because I was an energy ball. My Parents started noticing the changes in me and figured it was just a phase but then it got worse when I wouldn't even get out of bed. I mean what six or seven year old wanted to be cooped up in their room all day? So my Dad took me to a child specialist and he diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. He recommended me to a children's hospital in London that had the best facilities for what I was dealing with and we went there. My dad decided I should just continue school there and live with his sister so I could be closer to the hospital and get treatment. He would visit as much as he could but I still felt so sad without my immediate family and friends. I held grudges then to be honest but as i grew older, I understood."

He gave me a sad smile as he continued, "This depression has weighed down my life halimah. The world was black for me. I would have to force myself to even get up and pray. But I would because I only ever found solace on the prayer mat. I would beg and beg for Allah to heal my sad soul. To remove the voices in my head telling me I was worthless and should harm my self. Astaghfirullah. I would go months sometimes without being depressed and then it comes and maybe lasts for a week or three? It was the toughest time ever. I needed to get away from the loneliness and was getting sucked in and it's like Allah sent my Dad to visit me and when his visit was coming to an end, he suggested that I come with him and so I decided to finally come visit home after so many years to be surrounded by loved ones... and you halimah"

He gave out a soft chuckle as he rubbed my hands gently , "Whenever I would call home, my sister would complain about you and your pranks to each other and I would feel jealous that my sister got to experience that with you. The girl my father would always tell me about, as if I didn't already think of you all the time. The little girl that would wear her small hijabs, which you could always see the bumps of her pigtails that made her look like she had horns, that I always had a crush on. When I was in my teens before I started my business in the Uk and stopped coming for every holiday , I would sit by the window hoping to get a glimpse of you, which I rarely did because you hardly came out."

My heart melted as my cheeks reddened with my mind racing.

Hassan had a crush on me as a kid?

I couldn't help but let out a surprised laugh, my eyes widening with realization. Memories of our childhood flashed before me, and suddenly, the shy glances and teasing took on a whole new meaning. A gentle smile crept across my face as I reflected on the innocence of his feelings.

"You made me want to become better halimah. Whenever I would come visit and catch glimpses of you, it's like I had this new motivation to get better. Then I would go back and it catched up to me. It was a never ending cycle. So exhausting wallah. But one prayer I would always make was for you to be mine one day. And Allah granted it to me. I just thought he would have taken away my sadness so I would avoid making your life harder but I can't hide this anymore because I don't want to lose you baby" He leaned forward and grabbed the right side of my face, his thumb caressing it slowly.

"Please don't leave me" He whispered.

My heart squeezed as I realized Hassan had been carrying this burden alone, "Hassan, why would you think that I would love you any less because of your illness? Have I ever shown you that that's how I would behave?" I asked, the hurt evident in my voice. I couldn't fathom the idea that he felt compelled to hide his pain from me.

As he hesitated, searching for words, I could see the conflict in his eyes.

His reply came with a mix of remorse and vulnerability, " No. Halimah, It was about me and this fear that if I let you see the depth of my struggles, you might see me as weak or burdened. I didn't want to burden you with my pain; I just wanted to be someone who could make you smile, not someone you had to worry about. It's my own battle, and I thought shielding you from it was the best way to love you." His words hung in the air, heavy with the weight of his emotions.

"Baby- I.." I was short for words as I tried to think of how best to express to him about how much I care about him and the depth of my love for him.

Hassan's eyes softened as he heard what I called him. A mixture of surprise and tenderness flickered across his face. He hadn't expected such a term in the midst of this serious conversation.

"Baby," I said again, my voice gentle, "you don't have to carry this weight alone. We're a team, and I want to be there for you in every way. Hiding your pain doesn't make you stronger; sharing it does. We face life together, the good and the challenging. Let me in, Hassan. Let me be there for you." His expression shifted, a blend of gratitude and vulnerability.

"I love you" I said again as my voice cracked with emotion. "I love you so much for the sake of Allah. Please let me in Habibti"

I struggled to keep my tears in as I stared at into his eyes unmoving.

In our vulnerable moment, Hassan's defenses crumbled, and the weight he had carried for so long seemed to lift as he pulled me into a tight embrace. His arms enveloped me, seeking solace in the warmth of the connection we shared. As he held me close, I could feel the subtle tremors in his frame, evidence of the emotions that had long been kept bottled up.

His tears fell silently, each drop telling a story of the battles he fought within himself. The silent embrace became a sanctuary where words weren't necessary, and the language of shared pain and understanding spoke volumes.

As we held onto each other, I whispered reassurances, letting him know that he wasn't alone. He can never be alone. I will always be here for him. His family will always be here for him. And even if he had no one, he has Allah. For you have everything when you have Allah.

"I love you so much" he whispered achingly, as if it hurt to love someone this much.

"I love you more" I whispered back, kissing him on the forehead tenderly.

"Impossible." He replied back as he hugged me tighter, as if he wanted to mold us into one. And would I mind? No. Because Allah created us for eachother. We went through different life experiences that shaped us into who we are. And even though we were countries apart, Qadr of Allah made sure we reunited because Whatever Allah wills will be.

A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm sure an even bigger one has been lifted off of his.

In the quiet aftermath of vulnerability, with our tears gently wiped away the room settled into a tranquil stillness, soft smiles played on both our lips, and in that fragile yet beautiful silence. I felt at peace again, in that silence with my hassan.

~

I love love😭.

Assalamu alaykum, Started school so Schedules gonna change, but it will still be weekly. Please vote and comment and lmk what you think so far of Halimah and Hassan's journey.

Byeeeee💗