8: Shame & Censure

Alexander Kilroy was having a very unenjoyable evening.

For the last three and a half hours, he'd been sitting in his eldest brother's study, in various uncomfortable positions, being berated by each and every family member he had.

Four hours earlier, he was being berated by a complete stranger in a hallway.

Four hours and five minutes earlier, he'd been about to kiss Rosemary Albright.

He supposed not all parts of the evening had been unenjoyable then.

"What on earth are you smirking about, Alexander?" Lucas snapped from across the room where he stood behind his large desk, his pale face pinkened by fury.

Alex raised his eyes from the floor, running a hand across his face to smooth out whatever twist in his expression had irritated his brother. Like much of the censure aimed at him that evening, he did not feel the need to respond.

"Lady Elliot has not wasted a minute – her tale has already been spread throughout the house twice over," Lucas continued, a muscle in his jaw twitching as he glared at his youngest brother.

Alex let out a slow exhale and let his gaze drift across the room as the man repeated himself for the umpteenth time. Lucas and Peter had led him directly to the study, casting him scowls whenever he'd tried to speak. They maintained their silence until their mother, James, and their wives had joined them, and then insisted he tell them every detail of the evening. He had, though he'd glossed over what had been said about his mother and father, and then they'd demanded he repeat the story again. And then a third time, with interjections to tell him how stupid his decisions had been.

The worst part was that Alex agreed with them. It had been entirely thoughtless to be alone with Rosemary, especially after Miss Evlington had warned them off only the night prior. And it was especially embarrassing to stand before his mother and sisters-in-law and describe how closely he and Rose had been standing... and how exactly they had been positioned for Lady Elliot to be so sure that Rosemary was 'compromised'. He was hopeful his dark skin hid most of the colour in his cheeks. His mother's narrowed gaze suggested his hope was in vain.

But now the chairs in the room outnumbered his relatives at the late hour, the women having long since abandoned them for their beds. Peter was sitting in a plush armchair to Lucas' left and struggling to keep his eyes open, and James' elbows rested on his knees as he pinned the rug with a slight frown.

"I'm sure even the kitchen staff are aware by name of the damage you've done to Rosemary's reputation..."

How had Lucas not run out of steam, Alex wondered. Did his title provide him with endless energy for reprimanding his lessers?

"... and our family name!"

Alex's slow exhale caught in his chest as he froze, and it was a long moment before he could inhale again, turning quickly back to his eldest brother.

"Well then you need not fear, Lucas," he said, meeting the man's fiery gaze with the icy chill that had crept up his spine. "As Rosemary has said many times tonight; she is a widow, and she cannot be compromised." Whilst this was true to some extent, Alex did not believe it entirely. Rosie was too young, pretty, and wealthy for society to let her escape their clutches entirely. But his brother did not need to know that. "And as for your 'family name'..." he shrugged, the movement sharp and uncomfortable, "I think you'll find it unaffected by anything a Kilroy does."

Lucas was not put off, his lip twitching his disdain. "Do not be pedantic, Alexander. You are still our brother, and society will hold us just as accountable for your mistakes."

Alex could not help his snort.

"Do you have something to say, brother?"

But there was still no point in replying. With a sigh, Alex pushed himself to his feet. He inclined his head as Lucas, nodded and Peter, and offered his father a brief, mirthless smile, before he turned towards the door and made his exit. His bed called to him, promising him a reprieve from the incessant inquisition and judgement, and he longed to put the intensity of the evening behind him, if only for a few hours.

"If he can be relied on for nothing else," Lucas muttered in his wake, "at least we can trust Alex to run away."

He stumbled over nothing, catching himself with one hand against the door frame. Pain stung the heel of his hand, but it was nothing compared to the knife wound that seemed to tear through him.

"What?" The word escaped on a strangled exhale, barely loud enough for him to hear, let alone his brother. Slowly, he turned back to face the room, swallowing against the sudden dryness in his throat. "What did you say?"

His brother shook his head, raising his blue eyes towards the heavens. "I know you Alex, and I know the moment you meet resistance you wil-"

"You know nothing!" The words thundered out of Alex's chest, sweeping through the room and forcing all three of his audience to wince away. "You do not know what it costs me to be here!"

Peter was wide awake now, any bleariness long gone from his eyes as his gaze flicked between his two brothers and the tension that thrummed between them. Their father was half out of his seat, his own concerned frown fixed on his youngest son as he held a stilling hand out in Alex's direction.

Alex ignored him.

"Every moment," he hissed as he took deliberate steps back into the room, "that I am here, I am reminded that I should not be. I field snide remarks from lords about how 'lucky' I was to be raised above my station, and cutting comments from mamas about how ineligible a bachelor I am, and the moment I am found alone with one of my oldest friends, I am accused of seducing her like my father did my mother." He had reached his chair once more, his fingers curling into the chairback until his felt the wooden frame biting against his nails. "I am told with every word, look, and action, that I am a product on an unsuitable union, and that I bring shame to my family by my existence."

He felt his frustration welling in his eyes, threatening to overflow as he stared down his elder brother, but he made no move to dash the tears away. "Do you know how intolerable it is to be caught between two worlds? I will never be good enough for the Ton, never earn their respect, and yet when I try to break free of their hold, I am said to be ungrateful. My family tells me I have abandoned them."

His lip quivered and he clamped his jaw shut, swallowing down any emotion he could. He felt torn open, like his beating heart was on display for the most important men in his life, and he feared at any moment it might break free entirely. As it was, he did not dare look away from Lucas' wide eyes, scared what he might see reflected back at him in the faces of the other two.

"You do not get to call me a coward, Lucas," he said into the silence, feeling a single tear cut a warm path across his cheek, "Not when I have borne their criticisms alone."

Lucas' mouth was slightly ajar, hi eyes bright as he stared back at Alex. He seemed stunned, so surprised by Alex's outburst that he could not construct a response, but after a long moment filled only with the sound of rapids breaths, he broke their gaze and cleared his throat. Slowly, he rounded his desk and closed the distance between them. As he raised a hand, Alex wondered for a brief moment if his brother was going to hit him, but instead the hand settled firmly on his shoulder.

"You are not a coward, Alex," Lucas said softly, giving his brother a tight squeeze, "but you are an idiot."

Alex blinked.

"What?"

His eldest brother shook his head at him. He was not smiling, but neither was their anger in his frown. "Say what you will, Alex, but it has been your choice to suffer alone. We have never wished that of you. And since you have forced yourself into..." he hesitated for a moment, locking his light eyes with Alex's dark ones as he found the words he was looking for. "... into isolation, you have not seen that the Ton criticises us all. And that we bear their censure together."

The man paused only long enough to clear his throat. "I'm sorry for what has been said to you and the shame you have borne, Alex. But perhaps it is not society," he shrugged lightly, "that is your greatest critic."

Alex looked at his brother and wondered if this was the first time he had ever truly seen him. The pride and haughtiness, the judgement and resentment... it had all receded. It was not gone completely – Lucas was still Lucas, after all – but for the first time, he saw the love his brother had for him, without a single condition attached. Slowly, the tension he'd carried for more than half his life began to eek out of him, leaving in its place a hollowness that he did not know what to do with.

"Not to be a bother..."

Alex flinched at the sudden voice, reminded there were people in the room other than him and Lucas. His head jerked to the side, and he found his father and Peter staring at them. Both men's eyes were bright with emotion.

Peter cleared his throat and continued. "But should we return to the original discussion? About Rosemary?"

It was evidence of Alex's exhaustion - physically and otherwise - that it took him a moment to remember exactly what his brother was talking about.

The man continued quickly, shrugging up at him from his chair. "Why not just marry her? You've always been a little in love with her anyway."

Alex's mouth fell open. "I am not in l-"

Unbidden, flickers of memory cut through his mind and interrupted his denial. The kiss they'd almost shared, the way his hands had fit around her waist as he'd lifted her over the fence, the twinkle in her eyes as she teased him. And then older memories; trotting through fields and rivers as children and being so contented to have her on his heels, sharing stories and dreams in various libraries and studies as they ignored their energetic extended family, seeing her descend the steps at her coming out ball and realising that somewhere along the way she had become beautiful.

And then, abruptly, his most recent memory of her: her hand pulled from his as she declared to the world, "I will not marry Alexander Kilroy."

~~~

Hello Lovely Readers!

Goodness me... I am emotionally exhausted after writing that chapter! What do you think? I was determined to get it out tonight, so I apologise for any typos of half-finished sentences! Nonetheless, I hope you found it to be an interesting chapter - I personally understand Alex and his turmoil a lot better now and I hope you do too :)

xx Flo

P.S. Please remember to vote and comment if you're enjoying Alex and Rose's Adventure!