Chapter 30

Content Warning: self-harm.

I had been crying in my room for hours. I felt like my heart exploded into a million pieces. I couldn't control my tears. After about an hour, I didn't even know why I was crying.

I know he betrayed me, so then why am I crying for a cheat? I should be happy that he is no longer in my life, right?

My mom caught me in tears when I was looking at the photos. She got a glimpse of them too. I knew my mom was also a sobbing mess, and that she would tell my dad.

I should be the one announcing my engagement with a smile on my face, holding Abhi's hands for support.

I didn't understand what happened. I didn't want to believe what I saw and heard. I felt that I should trust him despite all the damning evidence.

Realizing that, I took my phone to call him, still not reachable. But I didn't give up, I kept trying. If I held on, then maybe...then maybe he would pick up and tell me that everything is a lie.

I have been trying his phone for the hundredth time. Part of me knew that I was going insane, but the other part wanted me to hold on.

I wasn't going to believe anything until I heard it from him.

While I was madly pressing his number on my phone, my mom and dad entered my room.

I wanted to stop and acknowledge them, but something inside me pushed me to continue what I was doing like it was the most important thing in the world.

Mom grabbed me not so gently and pulled me away from my phone. My dad grabbed my gin, forcing me to look at them.

"I am okay, Mom. You don't have to worry about those photos. It's a lie. I know Ananya used Photoshop to make them look like this.

Look, that is why I am trying Abhi's phone, but it's not reachable," I told them, showing them my phone. I started dialling his number again, not listening to them.

Once again, my mom made me look at them, grabbing my chin. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, so my father pushed her away and came in front of me.

"Look, Aadhi, I know you have been hurting. So let it out, there is no use in denying it.

Only when you accept it, can you move on. So accept what it is. Cry, yell...do something to let it all out," my father lectured me with a stern face, determined to make me accept what I saw.

I looked at him with teary eyes for a moment and then I remembered what I saw in those photos. The tears that filled my eyes started rolling down my cheeks.

My lips curved upside down and the sobs that I was trying hard to hold back came out. That was it. I lost it.

Tears came out of my eyes non-stop, like water falling down a mountain. My sobs became weeping. My eyes and nose became red.

I couldn't hold it in, and crying was not enough. I cried more, which made me hyperventilate.

My dad and mom were trying to calm me, but it felt like the more I cried the more it hurt.

I needed to do something else... I looked around while hyperventilating. I wanted to stop crying. I had a crushing pain in my chest, and I didn't know if it was all in my head.

I didn't know how long I had been crying like that but I must have dozed off. I woke up in my mother's lap.

I sat up and found her sleeping while sitting, laying her head on the sidewall.

She must have felt me sitting up. She opened her eyes and I smiled at her. My eyes were misty seeing her like that. I felt so selfish for being like that when they were ready to do anything for me.

We both went down to find my father. He was cooking for us.

We had our dinner in silence. They didn't ask me or talk about that, and I was grateful. I came to my room to sleep.

I lay on my bed. My eyes were closed, but all I could do was picture everything in those photos in my mind.

My mom burned those photos. I tossed and turned and tried to get some sleep, but it was all I could think about.

There were so many questions on my mind and I wanted to find answers. I took my phone and tried to call him again, but nothing.

It made me frustrated. I stood up and started pacing inside my room.

The pain inside me was unbearable and I wanted to do something about it. I would have ripped my heart out if it would have helped.

I punched the wall in frustration. I yelled in pain. It felt like I broke the bones in my hand. But it felt good. It took the pain away from my chest for a moment.

I punched the wall again and this time I yelled so loudly that the whole street could hear me. I definitely broke a bone.

My mom and dad came running to my room. My mom started crying when she looked at me in that state.

My dad immediately grabbed my hand and examined me for injuries. I hissed in pain when he touched my hand.

They brought me to a hospital and made me wear a cast. At least I didn't feel the pain in my chest anymore.

As long as I felt physical pain, I didn't feel the pain inside.

I knew I couldn't pull this stunt again and I tried a new coping mechanism. I didn't want my parents to be involved anymore.

I started smiling... I smiled whenever I could in front of people. It was fake, but they didn't need to know.

While I was faking my happiness outside, I searched for all kinds of physical pain when I was alone.

I didn't want to feel that kind of emotional pain again in my life, so I tried to brush it off by using physical pain.

I started cutting myself with a small knife, blades, or needles, whatever was available. I even applied salt to my wound to feel more pain.

It helped to keep the devil at bay and I went on a self-destructive path. It was my cousins Sia and Ria who caught me first. They had doubts about me moving on so quickly.

My parents were so wrapped up in the fact that I was apparently happy again, that they didn't have a single doubt.

One day my cousins found me cutting my arm. They examined my whole body and found cuts usually hidden by my clothes. I begged them not to tell my parents and said I wouldn't do it again.

They hesitated at first but then agreed on one condition. I needed to stop this madness.

I agreed, thinking that they would believe me, but they didn't. They decided to stay with me until I got better. And the days they stayed with me were hell.

They tried their very best to make me feel all the pain. They caught me whenever I tried to cut myself.

It was so hard for me, the way they told me to deal with things, but eventually, I conceded.

I let it all out. I cried for most of the night without sleeping. I couldn't eat properly. I couldn't believe that Abhi betrayed me. It took me some time to accept the fact that he was unfaithful to me.

After the acceptance, there was still a tiny part of me that still loved him even after all the things he had done. It was hard to let go of that part of me.

No matter how much I tried, I couldn't help but wonder what I would do if he showed up and apologized and said that he loved me.

I wanted to forgive him. I would have if he had shown himself at that time.

Days went by. I cried every time I was alone. I tried to stay alone, brooding over all the memories, but my cousins helped distract me.

I started writing a journal. Writing everything that happened and what I felt I couldn't tell anyone. It helped me a lot. It helped me to move on.

I thought it was better to box up everything in a notebook than in the corner of my mind. Because I know if I box up everything without dealing with it, it would destroy me one day.

Those days I couldn't see any happiness on my parents' faces and knew that I was the reason.

I knew I was being selfish. They were supportive during my bad days and the least I could do was say yes when they asked me to get married.

I didn't show any interest in that marriage. I just did what I was told and tried my best not to look back from that moment.