Chapter 34

I wasn't feeling nervous or anxious after that encounter with my husband until I reached that hell of a coffee shop because I was so sure about what I was going to do when I left home.

Stay calm...listen...don't get angry.

I have repeated these words in my head while walking. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional until I saw him.

I saw him when I was about to enter the coffee shop, holding the door handle in one hand. That made me stop in my tracks.

I was standing there with one leg inside the shop and the other one on the outside.

I saw him through the glass door. He was sitting on the corner table looking at his phone.

After a moment, he inserted his phone in his pocket and looked around, tapping his fingers on the table, and I know that means he is nervous. Good.

I hid from his sight when he looked around. I don't know why I did that, but it was kind of a reflex. Maybe I just needed a minute to compose myself, or maybe I wanted to take it all in.

My heart was pounding like crazy. I was looking at the face I had been yearning to see all these years.

There was a time when all I wanted was a glance at that charming face, even if he didn't want me. I used to sleep with his photo under my pillow so that I could see him whenever I wanted.

I was an addict, and he was the drug. I used to look at his photo and pretend to talk to him.

I told the photo how my day went, how I fought with my cousins, and about the weird behavior of a stranger that I saw on the road.

Now, looking at him...everything flashed back before my eyes. It was overwhelming because I remember how I felt at that time, but I didn't feel it anymore.

Not even a drop of a tear formed in my eyes.

Looking at him, my heart weighed like a stone but other than that, I didn't feel the love I had for him nor the pain I felt because of him. This was quite confusing for me of course.

I mean what is wrong with me? I am meeting the love of my life, and I don't feel anything at all. I am not even angry anymore.

I closed my eyes for a moment to recall all those feelings, maybe it just needed a trigger.

Wait a second... Why am I even thinking about going back? I don't even know why I am having these thoughts. Why do I want that pain back?

I never wanted the pain to go away because it was the only reminder that I had of him.

I used to think that moving on was like betraying my love for him. I was too stubborn to let go of those feelings and memories because I thought it made my love fake.

I didn't know how all those memories faded. They were still there, but cloudy and not so vivid anymore. I felt guilty as if my love for him wasn't true.

I don't know how long I was standing there looking at him. I entered the shop with all these confusing thoughts banging inside my head.

He saw me immediately. It was as if he was expecting me to enter at that very moment.

He had this wide smile on his face. I used to think that I would do anything for that smile to stay that way on his face forever.

But then it faded away. Instead, he looked at me with wide eyes in shock.

I turned to look back but there was nothing unusual there. Reaching for the chair across from him, I greeted him.

"Hi."

He was still not moving so I fanned my hand in front of his face to bring him back to this world. It seemed to do the trick.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked him, concerned. It felt weird talking to him after all these years.

"Wow... You really are married." He blurted it out like he wasn't thinking about what he was saying. There was this hint of sadness in his voice too.

"Umm...yeah... I told you." This was so awkward. I didn't know what to say.

"I didn't believe." His voice was low and sad.

"So what made you believe now?"

"I...I saw your wedding chain." His voice croaked a little like he was about to cry. Maybe I just imagined it.

"Oh." That is all I could say. I felt a little sad too. I know how it felt when you find out your loved one belongs to another. But I was not the one he loved, so why was he acting like this?

"So, what do you want to drink?" There was this fake smile on his face when he asked me.

He went to get our order after I had told him what I wanted.

From the moment I saw him, I couldn't help but feel guilty. I knew I shouldn't, but I did. The fact that I made him sad made me even sadder.

Maybe it was because I used to feel that way when I was with him, and I needed some time to break that habit.

He came back with two cups in a tray and sat on his chair. We sipped our drinks in silence. I wanted him to be the one to start talking, so I waited patiently.

I couldn't look him in the eye. It felt so awkward. I stole a glance or two when he wasn't looking, and he did the same. I can feel his eyes on me.

"I thought you would wait for me," he said suddenly.

And that sparked anger inside me.

I raised my eyes from my coffee to look at him, thinking that maybe he was kidding, but he looked serious. He looked at his cup, playing with the handle.

"So this is all my fault?" I tried very hard not to raise my voice.

"No. It's just...I thought maybe...just maybe you will wait for me to come back to you. You always do and—" Before he could finish, I stood up and started walking out of the shop.

How dare he say that? How dare he come here and the first thing he did was to blame me.

He can leave without a word, and he can betray me but it was wrong that I didn't wait for him? He didn't even apologize for what he did to me. I am a borderline moron. I shouldn't have come here.

Anger was seeping out of me. I was burning with uncontrollable rage. I felt like beating the shit out of him, but I continued walking away.

He came running behind me and grabbed my wrist. I released myself from his grip and slapped him forcefully.

My tears failed to stay put and started rolling down my cheeks. I could see that his eyes also welled with tears.

"How dare you accuse me?" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Everyone was looking at us on the road.

He didn't talk back. His eyes started watering and he lowered his head to hide it.

"Do you have any idea what happened after you left? Do you know how much pain that caused me?

You didn't apologize, you didn't explain what happened, but you dare to accuse me? You know what I don't even want to look at your face." I turned away to leave.

He came running in front of me, blocking my way. "Aadhi, just hear me out. I wasn't accusing you... Please just listen to me. I am sorry," he pleaded.

That made me calm down a little, and I wanted to know what had happened between us to make him leave me, and finally, he apologized.

"You should have started with that," I stated simply.

He just nodded and tried to guide me back to the coffee shop, but I refused. It was a bad idea for us to talk in there, so guided him to the park nearby.

It was about noon. There weren't a lot of people at this time. We found shade under a tree and made ourselves comfortable.

"I am really sorry. I know that isn't enough for what I did, but I don't know what else to do," he apologized again.

I just looked at him without trust because I didn't know if I wanted to believe him or not.

If he was truly sorry, then that would be the first word to come out of his mouth when he saw me.

"Why?" I just asked the one word that's been nagging me all these years.

He lowered his head guiltily, looking at his finger like he understood what I asked. He didn't answer immediately.

"At that time, I was desperate to get that job and I was ready to do anything.

I know you think it was easy for me to choose my job over you, but it wasn't and I thought you would have understood and waited for me."

He sounded sincere, but that didn't affect me. I just simply nodded. It wasn't very convincing.

"Okay, but what about those photos showing that you slept with Ananya?" I couldn't hide the hurt and anger inside me.

He sighed deeply and started talking. "On that night when we were out, you rejected me and that scared me.

I was scared that I might lose you. I thought that you didn't trust me and you might leave me soon. So I went to get drunk the next day, and Ananya happened to be there in the pub.

Even now, I don't really remember what happened that night. She just told me the next day, and I didn't believe her.

She didn't push me about it after that, but I didn't think that she took pictures and waited for us to fall apart."

"At least she wasn't the one that made us fall apart," I said with a sore smile. He looked at me confused. "She sent those photos to me after you had got engaged with her."

He looked like he was caught red-handed. Did he think that he could put all the blame on Ananya?

"I didn't know any other way, so I thought I would just do it to get the job and after some time I will come back for you.

I don't really care about her, Aadhi. I only ever loved you. Please understand," he pleaded.

"So, you were going to betray her too after you got what you wanted?" I didn't know that he could stoop this low.

That made him shut his mouth. He looked like he realized what he just said.

"So, is that it?" I asked him, annoyed.

"Please try to understand me. I just did all I could to get the things that I love. I love my job, and I love you so much. I got the job, and I am here to get you.

Do you remember the day I proposed to you on that beach?" I thought he was trying to remind me how mad at him I was.

I stayed silent and looked at the ground. A small flower fell onto my lap from the tree above my head. It looked like a smaller version of a white lily.

I picked it up and started playing with it. And slowly, my mind drifted off to somewhere else.

I remember my husband and me sitting on the beach eating ice cream and laughing.

I remember him coming to my home, which was miles away, just to apologize because he got angry with me.

I remember him buying me flowers showing all his love in his eyes.

I remember him trusting me and sharing his greatest secret.

I remember lying on his lap and expecting him to kiss me very badly when he bent down.

I remember him saying that he loved me, looking at my eyes.

I remember him promising that he will be with me forever.

And I think I believe him.

I was brought back to the present by Abhi grabbing my shoulders and shaking me vigorously.

"Are you listening?" he asked me.

It took a moment for me to realize the situation.

"I think I love him," I blurted out of the blue. I didn't know why I said that.

Abhi was looking at me like I had grown two horns out of my head.

I took a moment to think and realized something.

"I love him." At first, it was more of a whisper.

"I love him," I said a little louder, looking at Abhi. I was smiling widely, realizing what I just said and that I meant it with all my heart.

It wasn't just my mind that was somewhere else, but also my heart.

I stood up in a rush to go home. I even forgot that Abhi was here until he stopped me by asking what the hell I was saying.

"I don't love you anymore, Abhi, and I knew it the moment I saw you in the coffee shop, so don't expect anything from me. Thank you.

You just made me realize what was I missing and what kind of love I wanted. I don't know if I deserve it, but I am sure as hell going to cherish it as long as I live," I said with a smile.

He looked shocked, but I didn't care about him anymore. I ran to my house happily, expecting my husband to be there. I just wanted to shout it out to him.

Suddenly, I felt this overflowing emotion overwhelm me. I just had to share it with him.

I ran up to the entrance of my house, and immediately, my smile dropped.

He is not here.