Ch 18: Regrets

When I was young, I had a very sharp bite of a memory in my head of five-year-old me and my mother going to some Wiccan shop on a street corner of Tulach Hills where the cicadas were especially prominent. The white noise of there frenzied buzzing blurred together in the background of the memory as we walked into the funky smelling shop. The first book I spotted was a detailed guide on astral projection. The  way the old lady behind the counter explained it would be much the way I felt at the moment.

I was no longer Conrad, standing and observing the ordered chaos of the firefighters or the paramedics. I was above it all, somewhere, a few feet, looking down at my pale and trembling body hugging itself in the chill of the night. Thoughts of Elise, of her fate, of the last words said between us were some distant memory that belonged to some stranger I had never known. They didn't feel like my own.

There was numbness as I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was easy to believe that no feeling could possibly come back to me again. Everything hurt too much.

"Conrad." I blinked. The voice was rough. Angry. No. Furious. The hand on my shoulder tightened. I tried to pry myself away but was turned around instead to face a well tailored suit and a black tie. I hardly had to look up to know that a certain very pissed alpha was standing before me, if not for the scent of rage that threatened to engulf  me as his alpha pheromones went crazy, than at least for the grim scowl that had taken over his face.

He motioned to a sleek black car that blended in with the night. "Get in." His voice was tight. Quiet. I couldn't read anything in his eyes but it certainly couldn't be anything good. I took a shaky step back but his tight grip remained, growing ever tighter.

"Ross, I..." I tried to start off with a reasonable tone. Apparently, that was very much no bueno.

"Get in." His voice was louder. Much louder. Very no nonsense and all that. A few firefighters still on the scene looked over.

At this point, there was no fighting it. I had broken a rule that was an important stipulation of the deal, and I could see it was taking everything within Ross to keep himself from absolutely blowing up. The only mystery here was why he cared. At the moment, I was overstimulated.  My mind had little to no capacity in trying to go about answering such questions. I hesitantly walked to the backseat. If I had any say in any of this, it was that I refused to sit shotgun.

The ride was long. I didn't pay much attention to our destination. Thoughts of Elise and our last words hounded me. Thoughts of the little control I had over my life before meeting Hans quickly slipping away from my tenuous grasp also jumped around my head and not enough breathing exercises in the world could keep my heart steady.

The ride was quiet for a  while creating just the perfect setting for me to drop myself down a few dozen rabbit holes over the next hour or so. Ross eventually did speak.

"You're going to be staying with us for now. The Blue Dragons are after you. This was a warning."

I grit my teeth. Couldn't he just let me grieve in peace before dropping another bombshell? I went to protest. He quickly interceded.

"I'm sorry. It's too dangerous for you to work there. It's for your own good. Understand?" He looked back at me with steely gray eyes through the rearview mirror. They narrowed when I didn't respond.

"Doesn't matter if you don't. Whine all you want. We have to take care of you."

I clenched my jaw and continued to stare out the window, stubbornly refusing to meet his gaze. I wasn't going to cry. I was a grown man. I wasn't some fragile omega. I wouldn't cry. Not in front of him. Nope. The tears were definitely not ready to spill. Bastards, I thought. Is this what omegas had to deal with? Did all omegas fear losing any and all prospects of happiness with a single word from their alpha? Their parents denying them school, their siblings keeping them single, their mates refusing to let them work. In this day and age, most omegas were not as likely as in the past to live with such oppressive family but archaic control laws hadn't been changed yet in some areas.

I slumped. For once, I was happy to be a delta. Or would be. Now I was being treated like an omega but without the part where the alpha apologizes at the sight of a tear and drowns you in rose petals. The thought would usually disturb me but as thoughts of the mechanic shop disappeared into the distance, a wave of loneliness and despair overcame me. I realized I didn't really have anyone with them. Misha was deathly silent and seemed to be actively avoiding me. Joe would raise a brow and tell me I was being disrespectful to their authority. Hans and James weren't here, and I wouldn't be allowed to see Elise and Declan for a long time.

I spent the rest of the ride with my head strictly against the window, trying my best not to cry.

-8-

It was further away from the city than I had anticipated. Still on the precipice, if you will, but to someone who'd lived not too far away from the hustle, the skyscrapers, and the lovely  ambience of city smoke clogging up your lungs, it definitely felt like the countryside.

Hans wasn't kidding about the multiple homes, and the media wasn't kidding about the money. Although, you'd think I'd know that by now. It didn't matter. Money didn't bring Ross any much needed charm.

We parked up a long and winding driveway made of gray and red brick that lead up to a house-well, a mansion, of pink and beige stucco. The lawn was an expansive patch of green with oases of flowers every now and then. Modern and gothic. Those were the words that settled in my mind as Ross finished parking and went over to open my door.

"I got it," I huffed gruffly, but he was silent as he opened it for me. The way he slammed it after I'd gotten out didn't do much to calm my frayed nerves. Touchy, I thought, as I followed him at a distance. The night sky was grayish brown and the moon nowhere in sight. It was a muddy, dreary kind of night, the kind that made you want to crawl into bed and forget about the world.

"When can I go back?" I muttered as we walked in through the overly extravagant double and glass oak doors. I took the time to examine the spacious greeting area as a servant quickly grabbed my coat. A glance down the hall got me just enough of a glimpse of the living room for me to be impressed. I didn't show it. That would be the last thing I'd want to do.

My eyes were very carefully not on Ross. His words, however, had me up in arms.

"It'll be awhile. If you even can go back."

"What?!" I spun around to face him. All the hesitancy and nervous apprehension at being around an irritated alpha dissipated. My pointer finger was practically jabbing at his chest as he looked down at me with a raised eyebrow. "So what? You're just going to keep me prisoner? That's kidnapping!"

He chuckled but it came out with a bitter edge. "Your shop was set on fire. Your friend is in the hospital. You aren't exactly in a reasonable position. This was the agreement you stuck to."

"Yeah, well-well-"

"Enough," he growled. Hesitantly, I stepped back as he stepped forward. "Your in danger. I don't know why I have to spell it out for you."

"I can take care of my-"

"I'm sure you can." His words surprised me. His tone was also surprisingly calm. I drew into myself further as he kept walking towards me, only for him to make a short stride past me and down the hall. With a bit of exhaustion, I followed.

"You don't have to," Ross continued as we stepped into a spacious living room most likely bigger than my entire apartment. He pulled out his phone. "Just stay with us. I don't think this house is exactly prison-like."

He was almost half-joking by the end but I felt too tired to truly argue. Instead, I asked "Why do you care? Why does it matter what happens to me?" There was a bit of a pause. At this point, Ross had his eyes strictly glued to his phone screen. I could vaguely see the reflection of the messages app light up his face. He had heard the question, however. I knew he had. I didn't press further.

"Pity," he said, finally. I stared at him. He had a quirk in the corner of his lip so it was obviously a joke but he had no idea that my mental state was currently not favorable to jokes. I didn't say anything. It was almost satisfying letting the moment pass on into another awkward and drawn out silence. After another minute or two, Ross motioned to another hallway leading to a set of stairs.

"I'll have a servant bring you to your room."

-8-

I woke up with a start, covered in cold sweat and with the hints of a painful migraine becoming apparent. Exhaustion had overtaken me last night and I thought myself ready to blackout as soon as my body had touched the mattress. Then, all I could think about was Elise. Elise. I imagined her driving to the mechanic shop, alone. Thinking about my words. I imagined her at the shop, rummaging through old files, re-checking the accounting books, calling back some clients, probably still thinking about my words and then-.

I shook my head. And then the fire. Regret was such a simple word. Maybe too simple for me to feel that it accurately described the absolute torrent of guilt I felt each time I thought about our last conversation. Nevermind that the fire was probably meant for me. It only dawned on me just then how much danger my friends would be in.

My night was spent pondering all this and now it seemed like my morning would be as well. I jumped when there was a knock on the door. It was Hans. There was some partial relief in that. He was smiling although it looked slightly hesitant, even a little nervous.

"He-hey. How are you?  Oh, ah, Ross wanted me to let you know they have some clothes for you in the closet."

I shot him a quick smile as I glanced down at the rumpled clothes I'd slept in. With a sigh, I strode to the closet. "Doing fantastic. Being kidnapped and all. How's about you?"

Hans turned away, his face a funny red as I began to undress. "Erm, fine. I'm so-sorry about all this. They're just worried."

I opened a door that lead to the bathroom, glancing over to him. "Real mystery is why they care. Hold on, I'll just take a few minutes."

Hans nodded as I closed the door. After a quick shower I was dressed in a tight black T-shirt and some expensive looking jeans that weren't my taste. I didn't exactly have any options however. Most of my junk was still at my apartment.

As Hans gave me a tour of the unreasonably large house, my thoughts were caught between my current predicament and Elise. As we walked along, I tried to gage Hans mood. He seemed happy. Content. No longer the nervous ball of anxiety he had been when I'd first met him. Granted, he was dealing with some attempted kidnapping at the time.

"Mikhail doesn't talk very much but he has been kind. He's been a...bodyguard of sorts. Joe is, um, a bit much...he has some traditional views like my father."

I scoffed. "Oh, you don't know the half of it, kid." I recalled Joe's monologue from the ball.

"Yeah," he flushed red when I called him kid, which had me grinning. He was showing me another kitchen (they had two?!) of granite and ebony as we talked. "Ross has been amazingly generous. Busy most days. But kind."

I raised a brow. "What about the shit he said when you were practically crying and asking for a place to stay?"

Hans fidgeted. To say he was uncomfortable would have been an understatement. I sighed, thinking about whether or not I wanted to give him a break. Ross had been nothing less than a bastard the first time I had seen him interact with Hans but the omega didn't seem too keen on elaborating further on their past.

"I, er, well-he-he...."

Just then, my phone rang. It was the same phone Ross had given me to keep in contact with them. I made it very clear I wasn't taking any handouts.  I'd throw the phone back at them as soon as the deal was done. In the meantime, it was convenient. The caller ID seemed to shake away some of the grogginess plaguing me. Elise.

Hans peeked over my shoulder and smiled. "She must be doing well, then!" I decided not to tell him about the last time we had spoken. With a sigh and a shaky heartbeat, I pressed the answer button. The phone in my ear was a bit of static and white noise at first.

"Hey, asshole, you forgot your wallet in my car. Who the fuck keeps their social security in their wallet? Well fuck, it's mine now."

"Elise?" I said bewildered.

"Yeah, who the fuck else would it be?" A pause. Then, "No, don't tell me you've  been cheating on me."

I hadn't really noticed the smile that had overtaken my face till I caught sight of my reflection in the fridge.

"You didn't happen to notice the six or seven times I called you last night?"

"Well, y'know, you get caught up in some things. Like being on fire and all that. Can't really answer the phone, y'know?" I chuckled and my hands fumbled with the phone. All the relief washing over paradoxically had my nerves jumping about; I'd been prepared for the worst. We said another thing or two that I hardly processed. My mind was already jumping to the second worst conclusions.

"Are you...? The fire, did it...?"

"I'm fine." Her voice came out a bit tired. "I was actually further away, I think, in the garage. My car was being weird. Went to check up on it when the whole place burst into flames. Caught parts of the thai restaurant too. Thought a fucking bomb had gone off without a sound."

She'd turned out fine if for a few minor burns that would eventually heal. Apparently, the thai restaurant and everyone else around the area was fine. "I got the cops on it...but, like you said, don't know how helpful they'll be if..."

I nodded forgetting she couldn't see me. Hans was looking at me patiently, if with a slight crease of concern in his browline. There was a  lull in the conversation before I took a breath and, running a hand through my hair, spoke again.

"Look, Elise, I...I'm sorr-"

"Me too."

That was that. It always short and simple with Elise which I liked. Still, I knew more had to be said. "Look, this whole thing. They wanted me to stay with them so it wouldn't happen. I....it's my fault-"

"No it fucking ain't. Whoever set this fire, it's their fault. Got it?" Her voice was firm and final. I sighed. I knew it wasn't technically my fault. But emotions hardly ever worked in the realm of technicality. I didn't say anything to contradict her though, as she continued.

"Look, I know about this whole Blue Dragons business. Maybe it's good that you're away. You know Tony and his men, right?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. My stomach felt heavy.

"They've been around the pub way more often. Declan usually has you scheduled at times they're likely not to show up. Just be careful and all that, ok?"

The very fact that Tony and his goons were out there seemed to hit me harder after last night. Part of me was worried for Declan. Would they hurt him too? No. Not if I stayed away they wouldn't. It hurt to know but it hurt more to know my presence would put them in danger. It was starting to look like I wouldn't be back to Tulach Hills for a long while.

I pushed away the ache as Elise and I said a few more things before hanging up. Hans smiled up at me. I returned a much weaker one of my own.

At Hans hesitancy, I forced myself to brighten up to a beam and waved a hand. "Well, you gonna show me the rest of this place, kid?"

The rest of the morning and afternoon was spent exploring, Hans arguing that he was, in fact, not a kid, and me trying to keep my psyche together. As the evening slowly made its way to us and the sun dipped into the horizon, we decided that dinner was the best course of action. I was invited out into a veranda connected to the kitchen and overlooking the west garden while Hans cooked up a simple pasta dish. I frowned at the option of wine and happily went for a bottle of whiskey as Hans filled our plates. It was all very peaceful and...home-y in a way. Sitting outside, eating dinner, drinking, and watching the sunset. A bit too familiar.

"This is really good. Jeez, could you cook for me all the time?" Hans smiled as he watched me scarf down my second plate.

"It's like you've never had this before."

"I mean, not this fancy,"  I argued. "This is some five star hotel shit."

"Language," Hans sighed, slightly exasperated.

I grinned up at him while mid-diving for another helping. "Sorry."

The yellow and crimson hues faded to soothing blues and violets as the sun hid behind a hill. Hans leaned back and took on an almost thoughtful expression.

"So...how did you get to know the others?"

I snorted. The question seemed out of left field. Or maybe he was trying to make small talk. Mimicking him, I leaned back in my seat as well.

"Ross I met when I first brought you to him obviously...Mikhail I met here after coming back. Joe, I met in Portland. He was the first one."

There was a lull in the conversation. We both stared at the sunset. I shook my head.

"Fuck."

I could already feel his soft, blueish-gray eyes on me, probably filled with concern. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't say what compelled me to keep talking. Maybe it was the sunet. A peaceful glance over the gardens. Maybe something needed to come out. In less then a day, my life seemed to be falling apart. Either way, I kept talking, albeit with a note of hesitancy at first.

"Just...everytime I think of them...first time I saw Joe in years all I could think about was this stupid memory."

Hans leaned a bit towards me. "What was it about?"

"Joe took me on a date. Except it was to a mountain. Real romantic." I was a bit sarcastic, holding up my whiskey cup like it didn't really matter to me. Still, the touches of nostalgia began to formulate at the back of my mind. I could just about imagine the scene with every little detail. Everything from the crunch of gravel beneath my feet to the way his jaw moved as he talked.

"It was a gray sky. Looked like it was gonna rain. Still, it's that feeling you get when you're staring at a sunset together." Nevermind that that was what was happening right now. "And then he asked, in this stupid, kinda smug voice if he would get a kiss or not."

I found myself smiling. There was that ache again. I could feel Hans eyes looking me over, observing me, trying to gage my mood. He looked ready to say something. I was about to say something back. There was a sound from behind us.

We both jumped up to find Joe coming onto the veranda, sliding the glass door open and waving at Hans. There was no expression. A clouded look in his eye. A quick "Ross wanted to talk to you about something" and then he was off. Hans and I made eye contact. Nothing was really said or conveyed but did anything have to be? At the very least, we had to be thinking the same thing. Neither of us spoke as he walked back in. I stood out there for another good minute trying to process the events that had transpired. It was only then that I noticed my heart beating a hundred miles a minute.

-8-

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