Ch 24: Hearts of Hope

You're turning eighteen, huh? My dad's voice filtered through the walkman.

Well, I'll keep this short. We love you kiddo. Your ma and I. We want the best and whatever you do with your life, just know what I always told you. You get the cards you're dealt and you gotta be the one to make 'em work. Life's shit most of the time. People screw you over. But there's family and love and all that. Ha, not being real eh, motivating am I? Look, I'm trying to say that we love you and there's people all around who'll love you and for all the rock bottoms you'll hit, there'll be those moments of joy that make just that make it just a little bit more worth it to enjoy our numbered days.....Ha, I'm rambling. Promise I'll get you a better gift next year. Love you.

After waiting centuries, I had finally forced myself to listen to the tape. It happened in the room of my parent's house. I'd decided to rent it out to some lovely old couple but they wouldn't be here for another week. For the time being, I'd celebrate my first day out of the hospital here. Tomorrow, I was heading back to the mansion to pick up my things. After a few weeks of dead silence, I had called Hans to let them know.

It was finally time to move on, I thought. I didn't spill the tears I thought I would quietly listening to the last present my dad would ever give me. There weren't any to spill. There was something a bit more peaceful, a bit more calming in the way feelings of nostalgia and longing washed over me. I felt...content. They were gone and still right by my side. Always would be. I leaned into the dusty old sofa and clutched the walkman close to me. My eyes shut tight.

"You won't believe this, dad. Don't tell mom! But damn, if only people knew what a delta could do. So, it started in this shitty old cell, alright? Dominic-fuckface-Seraz..."

-8-

The drive to the mansion carried about the same feelings as a medieval prisoner being led to the chopping block by the executioner. Or was it a bit more like slowly walking the plank and into the abyss of shark-infested waters? In any case, the time it took to get there felt dragged out and like I was going at lightning speeds. I couldn't get there fast enough, and I was going too fast. Explain that one, Einstein. I got this whole new angle on time relativity or whatever.

When the banged up car I had borrowed from Elise pulled up to the wrought-iron gates tangled with vines, something in my chest twisted. No, no, no Fitzroy. Shove those feelings down. We've gone over this. But still-

My inner monologue was promptly shut down as the gates opened, and I hesitantly  drove into the expansive driveway. The banged up blue Toyota seemed criminally out of place next to the sleek black Rolls Royce parked a few feet away. I got out.

The walk in was another whole chore that I pulled all of my willpower out to finish. A stout old woman answered the door with a smile, and I felt a touch of guilt not knowing her name. I had refused to let the help slave over me during my short stay but that led to some distancing.

"Come in, come in. Shoes over here, deary. I'll take your jacket, don't you worry! They're all in the living room on the first floor. Just a right over here." I was a bit flustered as she went about, grabbing my things and insisting I follow her down the hall. I had barely spoken, unable to relay that my temporary room had been in the opposite direction and so were my things. She paid little mind as I was led away in utter confusion. What did they want with me? I had said everything I had needed to in the hospital and they hadn't contacted me since.

"Really, I just need my things," I urged, following her quick steps. "I'll just pack and go-"

"So eager, aren't you? Slow down a bit." I jumped a little as a muscled arm wove its way around my waist and held firm. We'd reached the end of the hallway leading to the spacious living room. I looked up to see it was Joe who'd caught a hold of me. He was smiling. It wasn't his usual, condescending smirk. It was the playful smile from Portland, the smile on our hike all those years ago. I didn't have enough time to register his hold as he led me further in.

I finally took a tentative step away from the alpha but already, I could see that I was caged in. Sitting down before me were Misha, Ross, and Hans. Joe joined them on the wrap-around sofa, throwing an arm over Hans' shoulders and pulling the nervous omega close.

"Erm..." I felt myself flush a little. "What is...this?"

Nobody really said anything at first. Misha and Ross were talking in their secret language again, the one where they made eye contact and stared at each other before coming to some weirdly well-thought out set of ideas. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me even a little bit jealous. It still hurt. I wanted nothing more to turn away and leave them sitting here but Joe looked ready to pounce should I try for an escape.

At first, it appeared Hans, getting antsy as I was with the silence, would say something. Joe lightly squeezed the omegas hand and gave him a look that had Hans closing his mouth and leaning into the alpha with a whimper. I tried not to roll my eyes. Was I here for some egotistical display of dominance? I was about to say as much but Ross finally spoke up.

He stood and I backed up a little with tentative steps. The easy smile he put on threw me off.

"Conrad, I liken myself to a good enough businessman. I can only assume that's why the board of directors and my mother allowed me to inherit Thorephite. I find it's best to keep negotiations short and direct. So, with that, I'd like to ask you, on behalf of everyone present, is for a relationship. Platonic or otherwise. Mostly otherwise."

I started at him. His easy going smile, his lax posture with hands in the pockets of his levi jeans. I bit my lip and glanced over at the others. Misha was the picture of calm and expressionless. Hans wouldn't look at me. Joe had an eyebrow raised. I could feel my face heating up as I tried to process his words.

"Is...is this a joke?" I murmured, trying to keep my voice steady. "Because-'cause it ain't funny."

There was a variety of reactions. Ross lowered himself, the position of an alpha trying to appear less intimidating. There was a painful look in Misha's eyes and a struggling sigh from Joe.

"Oh god, he's a moron," Joe sighed. I crossed my arms and felt myself tighten up. I felt like a moron trying to figure whether or they were secretly all laughing at me or if, by some impossible miracle, they actually meant it. Could-could they? I shook my head. No. Not this again.

"We-well-" Fuck, my voice was starting to shake. "Great joke guys, real funny, but I'll see myself out now-"

"Conrad, for god's sake, sit down." Misha slipped in front of me, blocking my path to the hall. Ross put a firm hand on his shoulder and gave him a stern look. Misha backed down, looking apologetic. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the beta looked a bit shaken himself.

"I really need to pack-"

"Pl-please, could you sit down for only a little bit? We listened to you that day at the hospital and all we ask is that you listen to us now. Ok? We packed your things so you can leave as soon as you want but all we ask is that you listen first."

I was silent for a bit with a moment of back and forth in my head. Ah, what the hell? If they laughed at me, fuck them. I'd be out of here and back to my friends. With a huff, I muttered out, "Fine, but I'm standing."

Slowly, and with an eye on me I guess waiting to see if I'd bolt, everyone took their seats. There was another awkward silence before Misha spoke up.

"Conrad, we've-we've been discussing this for a while now," Misha began his eyes closing for a moment to complete a sombre look. "We care about you. I know it's hard for you to believe after everything that's happened. I know what I did was unforgivable, and we don't even want to ask as much as Ross implied. I-I..."

Misha took another deep breath. He seemed a mess, physically speaking and probably mentally. Nothing like the suave "agent" back then. "I'm-I don't have excuses for what I did except that I have always been a fuck up. I haven't  really had anybody before all of you, and especially you, Conrad, came into my life. I'm pathetic and I don't expect much. Maybe one day I can tell you about everything but not if you don't want to listen..."

He was  rambling. His hair fell into his tired eyes and Ross put a hand on his shoulder every now and then to steady him, to keep him talking. I closed my own eyes for a moment before opening them to see Misha's eyes looking deeply into mine. My heart squeezed. In many ways, it was more raw than the Misha I had ever known. There was another pause.

"I know...I know what I did and I know it hurts. I know you're hurting, Conrad, because of us."

"It's ok. I'm fine-"

"It's not ok. You're not fine. I know you aren't." It was harsh and final with no room for argument. Even if I was standing above them, there was some sense of panic trying to claw its way up as Misha's pine green eyes bore into mine. I bit my lip and narrowed my eyes. The words tumbled out even if part of me noted the broken, self-loathing ghost in him.

"Misha, I...you don't know anything about me. Maybe I am fucked up because of what you did, but how could you know? I don't know anything about you other than that I was a cover story for your work. So I don't need your support or whatever the fuck else you think it is that I need!"

"Sweethe-" Joe began but I quickly turned to him and scoffed.

"And you! Don't call me that like we're some high school sweethearts or some shit! I'll humor you. I'll pretend you really want me to be your boyfriend. So does that mean Joe's gonna have the balls to tell his family that he's dating a delta? A poor, broke delta? Or am I just gonna be some dirty little secret like last time, Joe?"

My words were enough to shut up any objection or contradiction. I let them settle, while trying my hardest to stop my hands from shaking. When I glanced back at Joe to see if he'd respond to my assertion I was disappointed to find an expressionless silence. Not surprised. Disappointed. It really was too good to be true.

"Unbelievable," I whispered but I'm sure it was loud and clear in the oppressive silence. I made another attempt to turn away and leave while salvaging what little of my mental stability I had intact. This time no one physically stopped me. I did, however, pause as Joe spoke up.

"I've already told Gavin."

I blinked, trying to recall the name. "Your lawyer brother from Houston?"

I had yet to turn but I caught the amusement in his tone. "You remember? Yes, him."

This time I did turn around, my face still flushed and a weird feeling growing in my stomach. "What did you tell him?"

Joe leaned back and crossed his arms. I swore I heard a tremble in his voice as he spoke. "I told him about Portland. And how it ended and why. The why being that I was an asshole as you've so kindly put it before. I told him we were planning on asking you again." A quick pause as Joe rolled his eyes. "He's indifferent but he went on a long lecture about just how well our parents would take this. He's a start. We...he's helping me to break the news to my family."

My head swam, dizzy with surprise and astonishment and...hope? Still, I kept my arms crossed as I gave them all a hesitant look. There yet another pregnant pause.

"This didn't go exactly as planned," Ross sighed and grasped Misha's hand."To be honest, Conrad, we want you to be happy. I know the two of us are strangers. Misha's worked for me for a while while he was being thrown around and forced onto other jobs. He had a lot of covers and identities, and they all melded together for Joe and I. Yes, at one point, you were just another cover for the job he'd taken. It is the honest truth. And that led to something malicious on our part. But we don't exactly plan on leaving you mentally abandoned after everything."

I gnawed at my lip. In a brutally logical way, it did make sense. For a fleeting moment, I'd been on the periphery of their lives. It wasn't too different from the works of CIA operatives or any other spy. Maybe that's why I had come to accept  the event that had taken place and planned on moving on, even if alone. As wide as the black hole was, I had planned on pushing myself towards it. Misha took in a breath as if preparing himself for the worst.

"Conrad, I say this knowing that what we did hurt your trust, your sense of self. At first, you were a cover for me. But as time went on, every moment with you became something genuine. The walks in Central Park, the late night talks, the cooking and baking. Hanging out with your friends. I can't speak for the others but we all agree that we care for you Conrad and we want to spend our time convincing you of that. Even if it isn't a relationship. We can't ask you that. It would be asinine to do so. But if you give us a chance, we want to be there for you."

Tears. Tears threatening to spill. Wouldn't that just be the best? To cry, as a full grown man, in front of all of them? They could already see the water works, the way I bit my lip, the way I tried to wipe them away and failing to be discreet about it. It was all a little too much, a little too good to be true, a little too much to hope for.

This time, I didn't even bother to try to contain the tremble in my voice. My feet were tired and my body sagged a little as I spoke. "I don't know. I just..I don't know if I can take it. For the third time..."

I jumped a little as I felt skinny arms wrap around me and a head bury itself into my neck. Hans felt warm and secure as he leaned into me, hugging me close. The omega was almost a head shorter than me, and I couldn't help the wave of protectiveness and something else that surged up as I looked down at him.

"It's ok," he whispered. He looked up at me, and my breath caught with one look at those wide gray-blue eyes. "You don't have to make any final decisions. Not right now. We understand. We-we just..."

"We don't want this to be the end," Ross finished for him. I was surprised to find him closer to us. Hans let me go tentatively before stepping into Ross's hold. The alpha gave him a quick kiss on the head before stepping over to me, a bit cautiously like I was some kind of wounded animal looking to bite. I didn't expect him to grab my hand or pull me close. To say I was flustered would be an understatement. I was a blubbering idiot probably with a face as red as a cherry tomato. When I tried to back away, his other hand was on my lower back, puller me closer and keeping me there.

"They're right, Conrad. It's ok if you don't want to something romantic with all that's happened. But if you think we're going to simply pretend you never existed after this, you're delusional."

I probably looked like a frightened deer caught in the headlights beneath his steely gray gaze. Finally, his hands dropped away and him and Hans were back on the sofa, both giving me expectant looks as were Misha and Joe. I sucked in a shaky breath and tried to straighten out everything in my head.

Hope. Dear god, they were giving me hope. Maybe it helped that everyone looked as exhausted as I looked and felt. Hans was giving me his wide-eyed look, those large and naturally sad eyes trying to read me. Misha faced me with a tired smile. Ross and Joe were trying to school their features into something more neutral but the tension was clearly starting to weigh on them.

I closed my eyes and sighed. I thought for a bit. I thought about the past, the wounds, and the hurt and the betrayal. I thought about the tears wasted on them. For some reason, Elise's words came to mind.

New York is your home and we're your family. Right. How could I forget? I wasn't alone. And I wouldn't force myself to be alone. Not anymore. I opened my eyes. I'd give them a chance. At least I had people to catch me if it came to the worst.

"I won't cut it off. But give me time."

There was beat of silence before they seemed to register my word. "You mean...?" Joe began slowly, leaning forward and looking ready to jump up.

I nodded. "Yes. I'll-I'll give you all a chance. A relationship. Maybe. But I need time to think."

They must have all been holding a collective breath since before I had stepped into the room; at least it seemed that way because something lifted as they began to understand. Some tension, some anxiety fell away. Ross smiled threw an arm over Misha. Joe and Hans jumped up. Before anybody could do anything, I held up a hand.

"Wait. Before anything else, I want to make this clear. I am a delta and I'm proud to be one. I don't want to be stepped on because of who I am. I want that much respect. Ok? No hiding me like some dirty secret, no being embarrassed. If this isn't some joke to you guys then I want to see that. I'm not dealing with anymore shit. I don't have the time or the energy. Got it?"

An arm wrapped around my waist, and I felt myself being pulled forward and right into Joe's arms. The little gasp of surprise was a mistake. Joe took the opportunity to kiss me. It wasn't the light, chaste kiss from all those weeks ago. My breath caught as his lips wrapped around mine, demanding, possessive, and his to control. My hands were on his chest, whether to push him away or pull him closer I couldn't really tell. For a moment, I let myself go. It was nice, to forget for a minute where I was and who was around and to just be in his arms, safe and secure. Of course, when I let out an involuntary moan he had to pull back and give me a shit-eating grin.

"You got it, babe," he winked. I growled in turn although I'm sure the effect was muted on the alpha.

"You're still an asshole," I mumbled and Hans agreed as he gave Joe a shove. It probably wouldn't have moved the alpha an inch but Joe smiled and took it. Of course, being the asshole that he was, he grabbed Hans and brought the omega with him. Hans, in turn, let out a yelp as Joe spun him around before finally pulling the omega into a kiss. As I watched them, almost in a trance, I felt a presence at my side.

I turned to find Misha giving me a nervous smile. As Joe chuckled and Hans complained in the background, Ross came up behind them. Misha asked for a hug. For a tense moment, I thought about pulling away or making an awkward joke. The moment passed, and I felt myself go for it.

As emotionally drained as I was, there some feeling bubbling up inside of me. It was nerve-racking to consider. But I suppose I'd already taken the leap. For first time in a long time, I let myself feel some kind of hope again.