Chapter 4- Hold On

SPENCER / AMBROSE

She smirked and put her head on her hand the way I had done for her. “It’s ok. I have that affect on people, it just means you’re a good person.”

I was smiling just looking at her and then I realized I was staring and not saying anything. She seemed to realize what I did at the same time I did and smirked at me.

“I’m sorry, I planned to ask you more about work but I’m not sure how to do that without sounding like I’m hitting on you in the worst way.” I ran my hand over my head, feeling my soft hair but she seemed torn between being sad and expecting my response.

“And you don’t want to do that.” Her tone was bland and she picked up the coffee I hadn’t noticed the waitress give her.

I felt like I had missed something. “Do what?”

She pulled out her phone and seemed to reply to a message before facing it down on the table. “Hit on me. I’m not offended, I like making friends, and now that you know all my favourite songs you’ll fit in well with…”

“What would make you think I wouldn’t want to hit on you? I mean I know I’m not very good at it… truthfully I’m out of practice. I haven’t been dating since…” I stopped myself and drifted off before I sighed. “I’m sorry, now I’m rambling,” I muttered, trying to cover up my train of thought but she had caught it.

She smiled and reached out for my hand across the table. “It’s okay. Sometimes sharing your pain is exactly what you need to feel better.”

She could feel my pain, and I knew that, but I wasn’t sure if she knew that.

“There was a choice, and she paid the price so I could live.” My voice was soft and she squeezed my hand.

When I looked up there was a tear I don’t think she noticed running down one cheek. “She loved you more than air and that is so, so special. You are…” the word seemed to elude her and she shook her head. “In my culture there is no .. nothing more...”

Her mouth seemed to freeze on the words like she physically couldn’t get them out. That she could feel the depth of my emotions after so little time and so little information from me was astounding. I became absorbed in the wonder that filled her eyes, losing my train of thought and forgetting everything but her.

She squeezed my hand again. “I know it would be hard for anyone to compare to your moon.”

The word struck me. “What makes you say that?”

She smiled and it shone like she was reflecting back my admiration. “Because you were obviously her sun. She shone because you were in her life and that was something too precious for her to let leave this earth. It’s okay to miss her a little always.”

I kind of wanted to cry, thinking back on the loss of mymoon, except here was this equally amazing woman in front of me. Not that I had a lot, or any experience really, in telling girls about this lost love that I could only feel, but I wasn’t sheltered into believing this was the sort of positive experience others had in doing it. I was always purposefully vague on any details, giving just enough away for people to drop the subject, but they always told me to move on like it was that easy. I knew they wouldn’t understand that I was born with this feeling in my soul, and before Evadiene I hadn’t wanted to love another.

“No one has ever spoken about her like that to me. People always tell you to move on, that she would want me to be happy and find new love..”

“Who says you can’t be happyandmiss her? Nothing can replace who she was and what she did for you.” She stood up and rounded the table to sit beside me.

Her smell engulfed me and my wolf whimpered at how much she felt likehomeas her arms wrapped around me. She held me tightly to her chest and didn’t let go until I let a long, relaxed breath roll over her shoulder.

She pulled away slightly, staying sitting beside me. “You have an amazing energy, like a fresh breeze rolling off a mountain top. I bet she felt the same thing, like she was always home with you.”

She pulled me in again for a smaller hug. “You are so strong.”

I chuckled into her hair, resisting the urge to kiss her head. “How am I strong?”

“Giving your life for someone you love is easy, it is one of the easiest split second decisions you can make. Living with the gift they gave you, without them, that is hard.” She squeezed me again before letting go.

“We need pie, I’ll get us some.” She stood quickly and went behind the counter, calling into the kitchen like she knew everyone and serving up something from the rotating case of desserts.

We were the only ones in the 24 hour diner, aside from a couple of truckers that had dozed off on the other side. When she returned she had three different slices on two plates and two spoons. She smiled at me and handed me one of the spoons. Evadiene took the first bite, and then reached for her coffee across the table.

I didn’t even realize I had just been staring again until she took a piece of the chocolate pie and brought it to my mouth. She continued this through the slices, pointing to one and gauging if I’d like it and then scooping me a bite.

I know I ate more than she did, but I also knew she really only got them for me. I filed it away that she likely snacked when she was upset, as people often offered you what they would like when they feel the same. While she fed me and took the odd bite, mostly from the rhubarb pie, she talked to me casually and my silence was comfortable. She told me about her cat, her car, and how she was the eldest but hadn’t seen her family in a long time. Then, she started to tell me about her day job at an expense restaurant for socialites. Her father owned it but didn’t know she was working there.

When the pie was gone it was nearly four in the morning and she tsked her tongue. “Well I am not ready to open the restaurant in three hours,” she beamed, “but I was bound to get fired anyway. It was really just something I knew I could get hired at quickly, it couldn’t last forever.”

I laughed and wrapped my arm her. “I still can’t believe you used your family name to be your reference under a fake name.”

“He never would have hired me if he knew,” she giggled, but her face sunk anyway. “I should still go. Sequoia, my cat, will be hungry.”

She slid from the booth and leant in on the other side to grab her bag. I expected her to turn to me, but she turned towards the door and barely paused to speak.

“I’ll see you in traffic?”

She had nearly made it to the door when my brain finally rebooted into processing that she wasleaving.

“Wait, hold on. Evadiene!”

I caught the door as it was closing and reached her when she reached my car.

“Evadiene, wait a minute. Just like that? No goodbye, no number, no second date, you’re just gone?” I pleaded, avoiding grabbing her hand, I wouldn’t hold her back but I would say my piece.

“Not a date,” she said, but I could hear the sadness.

“Fine, not a date, but not just goodbye either. I have never smiled so much in my life.” She stopped but didn’t turn towards me as I continued, “let me know you.”

Continuing to eye her car she muttered, “you were supposed to be a jerk.”

“What?”

“I was going to meet you, talk to you and then you were supposed to be a jerk so I could get you out of my system.” Her voice came out clear and still left me wondering.

“Why did you need me out of your system?”

She turned to me now, clearly struggling for words. “You can’t.. be… around me.”

I moved towards her now, reaching for her hand and she let me take it. “Do you not want me around?”

She chewed on her bottom lip but didn’t answer.

“Do you not want to see me?” I tried again but she switched to gnawing on the side of her top lip. “Did you not enjoy my company? Please Evadiene tell me what I did wrong because I would do anything just to know you.” I was close to begging.

I would get on my knees in the ice if I thought it would help, but I was sure the minute I did she would turn tail and beat me to her car.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, quite the opposite really,” she mumbled looking into my eyes and then quickly away. “People I’m close with get hurt, and I feel like I’m already to close to that line.”