Flings and PJs

I saw his eyes turn from adoration and love to hurt and confusion. I really didn't want to do this but I have to explain myself. It's obvious, even to him, that I am attracted towards him. He took a few steps backwards and I immediately missed his warmth and comfort.

"But why? I know you know I like you. You told me that I confessed when I barged in your room the other day. You know how I feel about you and I was of the impression that you feel the same way about me." He said with hurt clear in his eyes.

"I do Gray. I do feel the same way. I like you but that's the problem. I don't know how to say it." I said fumbling with my words. I looked down and tapped my legs nervously.

"It's alright Claire. Just say it. I can take it."

"I am sorry Gray but I can't trust you. You have no idea how much I want to but I can't. You have a reputation of a playboy; someone who is only interested in casual relationships and I thought I wanted that too. But I started liking you; more than I should have for a fling. I like you a lot and I really want to be with you but I am afraid of getting hurt. And I can't ask you right away because I am not sure if I really know you." I said and he looked at me with a blank expression.

"Olivia, that will happen with everyone you talk to. Every stranger that comes in your life, you have to trust some of your secrets, some of your personal life with them so they can share some stuff with you too. That's how you build trust."

"I understand that Gray and on some level I am ready to do that. But before I could even open up to you, I started liking you more than I ever thought I was capable of. But you have reputation Carter; in your last school and this one as well and it's not a good one."

"So that's it? You are going to judge me with my past?" He said his voice on the edge.

"No, never. I am not going to judge you with your past but I need time to process your present. I need time to believe that you are not your past anymore." I said and he stayed still processing whatever I said.

"Is there any other way?" He asked at me, more like whispered. I pondered about it for a while but even I didn't know what he could do.

"I don't know Gray." I said quietly.

"How long will it take for you to trust me?" He said after a while.

"You can't rush me. I am sorry but this is something I have to do on my own." I said and looked down. I thought he would say something but after staring at me for five seconds or so, he left without any explanation.

I started cleaning the kitchen without thinking about whatever happened because if I did, I will convince myself with any reasoning possible that what I did was wrong and I should take everything back. I know I was right. I can't date him or be his girlfriend while thinking about if he is cheating on me with someone else or not. I can't do that because that would be much more painful, for both me and him. I am aware that Carter told me things that I am pretty sure he wouldn't tell anyone. He took care of me when I was drunk, he understands me and most importantly, he is a gentleman. But those things are not enough for me. And I can't have that kind of relationship that takes a huge toll on me. Not again.

I went back to my home after cleaning as much as I can. Obviously, I wasn't prepared for a food war and hence I was out of cleaning supplies. I made a mental note to carry some the next time I go in the shop. Carter's laughing face flashed in front of me when he dumped the flour on me. A smile crept on my face involuntarily and I chuckled at our childishness. I don't even remember when was the last time I had this much fun. I haven't laughed like that in a long time and it felt good to let lose. It felt good to not care about the after effects and just live in the moment. Carter's shocked face popped in my head when I put eggs in his head. I have heard that eggs are good source for protein even if you apply it directly in your hair so he will probably have shiny hair tomorrow at school. He looked so cute jumping up and down when I put ice inside his shirt. He looked like a small baby who is scared of a puppy. A chuckled escaped through my lips and betrayed my attempt to remain unaffected by what happened. I kept thinking if we will ever have this kind of fun again. Even when Mark started dating Emma, he never let me feel alone. He came to the bakery to help me out with cooking, he appreciated my skills and respected my work and my ethics. Carter's hurt expression came in my head and shrugged it off in annoyance. I like him and to know that he was hurting because of me was just a kick in the nuts. I wanted to be the reason for his smile but after today, I don't think that's happening. I knew I was right but I also knew that understanding my side of the story will not be easy for him. It might happen that he never does understands my perspective and that thought broke me. I wanted him to wait for me until I trust him enough to say yes to us but I knew that would be selfish for me to ask. He has the right to be happy but so do I. It felt really tiring and depressing just thinking about it.

I wasn't in a mood to cook. I wasn't in a mood for anything. I went straight to my room and went inside the bathroom. I stripped off my clothes and showered. It took me about forty five minutes to drain the sticky flour from my hair. I almost got irritated and cut my hair but I kept my cool till the end. I wrapped myself up in one towel and dried my hair with the other one. I let my hair dry naturally. I didn't have anywhere to go. I wanted to let my girls know but things are already tense because of Mark's accident so I decided to let it go. I put my ketchup filled clothes in the machine and changed into more comfortable PJs and lose t-shirt.  When I went down, my mom was already making dinner for us. Good for me because I was not feeling like cooking today. I know my mom will guess something is wrong with me and I don't plan on hiding it anyway. She is the perfect person to talk about this and she can tell me if I did the right thing. Not that I can reverse whatever happened but I will know what to do and how to think in these kind of situations in future.

"Hey Peach!" She said not looking at me. She was making tortilla sandwich with three fillings but I was way too depressed to be excited about it. I kept thinking about Carter's face and how sad he looked. I could see the emotions in his eyes change from desire to confusion to hurt. I wanted to ease his sadness, I wanted to do anything I could to make him feel better but it just wasn't in my control. I want to trust him but it's not that easy. I am afraid that in every intimate moment we share, I won't be able to shrug the feeling that I am just another one of his accomplishments.

"Peach, are you okay?" Mom asked me pulling me out of my thoughts. I told her whatever happened today including Mark's accident and the almost kiss I shared with Carter.

"Okay first things first. Is Mark okay?" She asked me after a while.

"Yeah, he is fine. Emma was talking care of him. His parents are also there. He will probably get discharged by tomorrow morning."

"Okay that's good news. Now, tell me how do you feel about Carter? We need to sort things out honey." And I did. She listened to everything I said and nodded furiously.

"Peach, whatever you are doing is fair and only logical. Sweetie I won't say that he should feel okay with it. He probably is devastated right now but we can only hope that he is understanding. It's a reach but if he really loves you, he will figure out a way. I know its not possible but try not to think about it. Just remember that the wrong kind of love can destroy you to your core. Take your time to realize if he really is your right love." She said and I smiled sadly at her.

"Thanks mom." I said and ate in silence. As soon as I was done, I went upstairs and decided to bury myself in the pile of works. I decided to complete weeks worth of homework, including the ones that haven't been taught yet. I completed weeks of practical lab reports and project research. I was tired but I was afraid if I stop, Carter will haunt my thoughts and that's the last thing I want. I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard text alert tone. I picked my phone from the night stand and there was Carter's message on it. My heart hammered against my chest. I was terrified to my bones to open it. With shaking hands I tap on the screen and read his message.

Gray: Are you busy? Okay not very informative but not aggressive either, I thought. I looked at the pile of work I had done to distract myself from him.

Liv: No

Gray: I am outside your house. Will you come down? I bit my lip in happiness. He was polite and he didn't seem angry either.

Liv: Yeah. I will be out in five. I quickly went to my wardrobe and picked out my favorite black narrow fir jeans paired with a gray sweatshirt.

"Mom, Gray is here. I will tell you all the details when I will be back." I shouted before leaving without waiting for her reply. He was leaning on his car facing towards my house waiting patiently for me. He was wearing black jeans and dark green casual t-shirt. He looked like a billionaire model waiting for his girl. I blushed at that thought and quietly walked to him.

"I need your help with something." He said with a blank expression. I bit my lip anxiously and he stared at my lips.

"Am I allowed to ask what do you need help with?" I asked and he sighed. He pulled his hair back and I imagined him doing that in slow motion. He looked like a rich mafia boss or something like that.

"You were right. I made many mistakes today. First, I shouldn't have tried to kiss you without your consent. That was totally wrong. I got caught up in the moment."

"No actually, you know what happens when someone kisses me without my consent. You saw the guy on the floor with his hands holding his crotch. I would like to be kissed by surprise." I said and he smirked.

"Noted. Second, I do have a player image in my previous as well as this current school. Although, I told you the reason behind it, still I don't see why you should trust me. It's fair on your part. Which is why, I need your help." He said and looked at me hopefully.

"With what?"

"I am going to apologize to every girl I ever screwed."

.........

Carter understands man! He seems like a Prince Charming to me XOXO