Chapter 23

Q

~You crawled into the darkness, set my monster free, so scream, bleed, call out to me, but never say stop, never flee…~

I stood in front of Tess ready to do something I’d never done in my life. Something I didn’t know if I could stomach. Something I didn’t know if I could walk away from.

~“Merde.”~ I hung my head, running hands over my bruised face. The entire journey carrying Tess here, I tried to think of another way. A way where I could keep my fucked-up sanity and still fix her.

But I couldn’t see any other logic.

There was no other way.

I had to let her take away my ownership, my very fucking life.

Tess stood there with her arms straight by her sides, her blonde curls so wild and carefree compared to her closed-off detachment.

I hated her in that moment—hated the coldness, the lack of connection. The way she left me to flounder and die of a broken heart. I wanted to throw her on the bed and make her scream.

I wanted to do all sorts of things to her to get a reaction. I wanted to hurt her until she used the safe-word again but this time, ignore it.

I wanted to push past her barriers and make her see the truth.

~I can’t.~ I wouldn’t be responsible for destroying her mind.

Gritting my jaw, I ran hands through my hair. I couldn’t stand still. I was like a fucking schoolboy about to lose his virginity all over again.

And in a way I was.

~“Tu ne sauras jamais ce que ça me coûte.”~ You’ll never know the cost of this, I murmured, looking up for the first time. “The amount it’s taxing me.”

Tess’s gaze softened. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to do it. I’ve caused enough damage.”

I growled, hating that I offered so much and she had the nerve to deny it. “It’s not a negotiation, Tess. You’re doing this. I’m just letting you know how much this will hurt me.

“How much I’m willing to put my life on the line—for you.”

She froze, nostrils flaring.

The word ~mistake~ danced in my mouth and I swallowed it back. This wasn’t a mistake. I fucking loved her, and it was time I told her that.

“I love you,” I snarled, as if it was a terrible thing—an abomination.

Her eyes widened and she looked away. “Don’t do this, Q.”

I moved closer and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me. I let go of everything, every barrier, every smoke and mirror. I let her see everything I was.

All the fear I felt, all the love I burned with. “You could be anywhere and I would still hurt, ~esclave.~”

Her eyes stayed cold, even after I showed her how much I needed her. She shook her head, trying to get free. “I can’t give you what you need anymore. I’ve tried.

“I’ve tried so hard to unlock whatever space I’m trapped in, but it’s no use.”

I ran my nose along her jaw, breathing her in, imprinting her scent of frost and orchids into my soul. When Tess did as I demanded, I doubted I’d want to be this close to her.

“It’s not about what I need. It’s about what ~you~ need.” I paused, gathering my tattered courage. “I’m going to give you what you need.”

Tess sucked in a little breath.

I flinched, eyes delving into hers, trying to see if she felt something, reacted to what I said.

But nothing glittered, nothing shone.

In that moment, I wanted to tear the room apart. I wanted to kill the bastards who took her all over again. Damn it to fucking hell. The fucking bastards. The fucking screwed-up world.

Tess touched my cheek, grounding me. “Are you okay?” I wished she asked me out of concern, but I knew better.

“How can you ask that? How can you honestly think I’m okay? I had everything I ever dreamed of, then had it all snatched away. I miss you so damn much, but you don’t care. You don’t love me anymore.

“You took everything from me and you have the nerve to ask if I’m okay.” I laughed with the black humour of the situation. “I’m going to either ruin you or heal you. It’s one or the other, Tess.

“Starting now. This will either fix us or leave us in fucking pieces.”

“What will?”

“I want you to take me.” My voice shook. What a sap. I tried again. “You’re going to do whatever you want to me.

“You’re going to take everything I have to offer by any means necessary.” I pressed my mouth to her ear. “You’re going to hurt me, Tess. And hurt me so fucking much.”

Her mouth dropped open. She gawked, unseeing, unspeaking.

“I’ve fucked you. I’ve hit you. I’ve loved you in my own way, but it’s not enough to fix you. I can’t whip what happened out of you.

“You need to help yourself, and I’m offering to be the one you take all that rage and pain out on.”

The air grew thick and heavy; I couldn’t breathe. She knew. She was too smart, too intelligent, not to realize what I offered.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

Of course, I fucking knew what I was saying. I was going against every little cell in my body. I was going against nature. I was shooting the beast inside me with a shotgun and handing over my balls.

Ignoring every instinct. Every desire I’d ever had.

“I know exactly what I’m offering,~esclave.~ Take it. Before I change my mind.”~Before I run away screaming like a little girl.

Before I lose you.

Before I lose myself.~

“It’s not that simple. Even if I do hurt you, it won’t make a difference, Q. There’s no point putting yourself through something you’ll hate.”

“There is a point if it brings you back. I’m not leaving until we get this over with. I don’t make this offer lightly. I don’t expect you to turn me down. You owe me.”

She coughed. “I owe you?”

“Yes.” I nodded hard. “And I’ll tell you why. Whatever you lived through was terrible, awful, and hellish, I know that, and I know you don’t want to talk about it—that’s why I don’t push.

“But try and think what it was like for me. You were stolen from my office! My care and protection. You were taken away from me for seventeen fucking days.

“Every lead I chased was a dead-end, every hope, a fucking tease.” I hit myself violently in the solar plexus, reliving that horror, the panic at not finding her.

“Don’t you think all of this is hard on me, too? You owe me, so hurt me. Make me suffer because I wasn’t able to save you.”

My chest heaved and the truth burst free. “It’s all my fucking fault. All of it. The building contracts. The saving of slaves. The fact I thought I was invincible.

“I never thought to think of enemies and anything happening to you. I was a selfish fucking moron.”

I had to stop and swallow around the lump forming in my throat. “It’s all my fault you’re like this. So if I order you to make me suffer, it’s the least you can do.

“~Libère moi de ma douleur,~ Tess.” Free me of my pain.

I cupped her cheek, drowning in her eyes. “I asked you once to give me your pain as my pleasure. This time take my pain as your pleasure.”

It was a night of firsts, and I dropped to my knees, bowing my head against her thighs. “Please~, esclave.~ Don’t make me keep asking.

“I don’t have the strength.” It felt awkward and horrid being in a position of submission, but at the same time, so right and perfect. The two emotions tangled, making me quiver with anxiety.

I didn’t move. It was up to Tess now.

It felt like a full year before Tess shifted. Her gentle hand landed on my head. She threaded her fingers through my hair, soothing the never-leaving headache, making me groan.

Was I making this worse by forcing her? Causing more damage to her already strained mind?

“I can’t, Q.”

I looked up, locking eyes. “You can. And you will.”

She tried to untangle herself from my grip, but I tightened, not letting her go. “You’re letting the bastards win, ~esclave~. Do you want that?

“Do you want them to rule your life?” I stood, never letting go of her. “Where’s the fight I’m so used to? The Tess I knew, the ~esclave~ I fell for, wouldn’t lie down and not fight to the death.”

The seconds ticked past, and doubt shaded her face. She bit her lip, looking anywhere but me. I was sure she’d disagree again, and thoughts ran riot on how I could force her to hurt me.

I didn’t know what it would mean if this failed.

Finally, her eyes settled on mine; she whispered, “Are you sure?” Such caring, such gentleness shone from her face, that even though there was nothing else there—no soul or deep emotion—I took happiness from hope.

This would work. It had to.

I stood, bending to press one soft kiss on her lips. “I’m sure. ~Je suis à toi, tout à toi.~” I’m yours. All yours.

Her chest rose and she nodded. “Okay.”

I didn’t waste another moment. Grabbing her hand, I led her across the room.

She stood where I positioned her by the bed while I went to the cupboard. This room had a history. A history I would rather not think about, but it came stocked with apparatus and things required.

Opening the doors of the cupboard, I stopped short, panic running down my spine.

I was about to do something that would cripple me. I wanted to wipe this day free from my mind once it was over. I would destroy this room and everything in it so I never had to remember.

With nerves lodged in my throat, I pulled out ropes, cuffs, bondage of all types.

Tess watched remotely as I piled my arms full of things and headed back to the bed. Placing them on the towel at the foot of the four poster, I looked at Tess. “Tie me up.”

I never thought I’d ever say those words. But I needed her to bind me. I wouldn’t be able to go through with this if she didn’t. I’d run like a fucking coward, or lash out and hurt her.

She picked up the leather cuffs, the buckles clinking. “Where?”

Trying to curb the terror and anger and so many fucking things, I forced myself to sit on the mattress and lie down.

My heart was a fucking crazy thing going a billion miles an hour; I couldn’t look at Tess. I couldn’t look anywhere but at the large canopy above my head.

The four posters were sturdy—half a fucking tree sturdy—once she bound me, I wouldn’t be able to get free.

My stomach rolled and I swore I would be sick. Shit. Oh, shit. ~What the fuck am I doing?~

Tess glided closer to the bed, looking like a malnourished ghost. She eyed the cuff, then my limbs. My fists pressed against my thighs, every muscle locked tight.

I hadn’t undressed. The element of having jeans and a T-shirt on was my only armament; I wanted to keep it that way.

I gritted my teeth, spreading my legs for her.

She swallowed and obediently looped the soft leather around my ankle.

Black spots appeared in my vision as she tightened the buckle around the bedpost. She fastened it and I wriggled.

“You need to do it tighter. I can get free.” I hated every word. I wanted to chop out my tongue for being such a traitor, but I wasn’t doing this for me. I was doing this for Tess.

To somehow break the barrier she’d fortified. If it took dynamite in the form of making me shatter, then so be it.

Tess nodded, tightening the buckle until it bit into my skin. Heat traveled up my leg, causing me to shiver with helplessness.

Torturing me with fluttering touches and slowness, Tess secured my other ankle before sighing heavily. She looked at me with a thousand wishes in her eyes and no hope.

Moving toward the head of the bed, she chose a length of silk rope.

Our eyes never left each other as she bent and captured my hand with hers. The moment her delicate fingers touched my trembling skin, I bucked.

My cock roared to life and all I wanted to do was kiss her, fuck her, never let her fucking go again.

She bit her lip, her eyes darkening just a little.

“Embrasse moi!” Kiss me, I demanded, capturing her hand with mine.

We stared so long, so hard, I wondered if I’d die waiting for her to obey. Finally, she bent in half, lowering herself toward me. My legs might be bound, but my arms and torso weren’t.

The moment she was in grabbing distance, I wrapped my arms around her, dragging her hard against me.

She let out a small cry before my lips crashed onto hers. I speared my tongue into her mouth. She froze for the briefest of moments, then struggled as I held her tighter.

She whimpered as I bit her bottom lip.

I groaned as her taste filled my mouth. She reminded me of happier times, of confused times, but most of all, the love I’d lost. The love I wanted to get back.

Her hands pressed against my chest, pushing me away.

Reluctantly, I let her go. She bolted upright, breathing hard. My heart lodged in my throat at the panic in her eyes.

Something had eroded, showing a little glimpse of all that emotion locked inside her.

Shaking her head, she grabbed my wrist and slammed my hand above my head. I didn’t fight even though the beast inside wanted to tear her into smithereens.

Her fingers fumbled around my wrists, jerking them with every knot of the rope. She grimaced as she pulled harder, tightening the restraints to the point of pain.

I never took my eyes off her as she circled the end of the bed and climbed onto the mattress to restrain my other hand.

I placed it above my head for her, drinking in her rising fear—the scent of turmoil and panic.

After weeks of nothing but coldness, the onslaught of her emotions intoxicated me better than any whiskey.

Every second that ticked past, Tess lost the glassy sterile look, descending further into crazed and scared.

It’s working. The curse around her fucking heart was breaking.

Tess tested the rope on my wrist one last time before scrambling off the bed and staring at me with such a soul-crumbling look in her eyes it undid me once and for all.

I fucking loved this woman. Not just for now. Not just for tomorrow. But always. Now and forever, I was hers.

I nodded, gritting my teeth. “Do it, esclave. Do whatever you want to me. I’ll accept whatever you give.

“I’ll live and be happy with whatever scraps you let me have.” My voice was rough, laced with sorrow, but I kept going. “I give you myself, Tess.

“If it doesn’t make you come back to me, then this is it. This is the last time I’ll have you close, and I want to see passion in your eyes one last time.”

I waited for a tear, a twitch, some recognition of how much I offered, but only terror greeted me.

She stood stiff as a fucking board, no longer looking at me, but back there—back in the place where her nightmares brewed.

“Tess…” I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, to let them take her. That I’d be with her every step, but she shook her head, gripping her hair with desperate fingers.

She mumbled something under her breath, before exploding to the other side of the room, heading toward the open cupboard.

I strained to see what she collected and my heart bucked when she came back with whips, floggers, scissors, and vials.

She dumped it all between my splayed and bound legs.

Her eyes evolved from dove-grey to icy blizzard, glittering with hatred. She no longer looked at me from the eyes of my ~esclave~—my Tess. She morphed into a complete stranger.

A woman with a vendetta, a wish for death and destruction.

I nodded in response to her harsh breathing. “Wherever you are, Tess, don’t hold back.

“Relive what happened, face your demons, inflict whatever you need to on me.” I might’ve sounded strong, but inside I was back to being a fucking boy who buried his mother and shot his father.

I felt so alone. Always alone.

Her eyes closed, and a cape of horror came over her. Her energy changed from weak and closed off to ferocious and angry, so, so angry. “You made me do so many things.

“And yet you think you can order me again?”

~Oh, shit.~ She’d left me. Her mind had regressed—she’d done exactly what I told her.

She sneered, picking up a thick paddle, running it along the inside of my thigh.

I didn’t mean to move. I meant to stay frozen and let her re-enact whatever she needed to, but the beast inside couldn’t do it. I struggled, jerking my wrists, wincing as the rope dug deeper.

“You think you can get away? You can’t. Not after what you made me do. Not after everything.” She picked up a whip in the other hand, brandishing both. “Would you prefer radiating pain or sharp pain?”

My eyes hardened, realizing I’d asked her the exact same thing when I placed her on the cross.

I knew she didn’t mean to sound creepy as fuck, but she looked like a little wind-up doll asking me which murder weapon I preferred.

How much longer must I endure this agony?

~As long as it takes for her to come back to me.~

I snarled. “Anything. Fucking use anything if it means you’ll use something.”

She didn’t flinch at my rage. Her head bowed as anger flushed her cheeks. “You always were an asshole. Telling me to hit and maim and kill.

“But you never let me choose the weapon before.” Her eyes snapped to mine. She snarled, “Use the baton, little girl.

“Pull the trigger, bitch.” She cocked her head as her arm flew high, holding the paddle. “Let’s see how you fucking like it.”

She struck.

The paddle slapped against my jean-clad thigh and I tensed, rippling with anxiety.

The power behind the strike was nothing but a fucking bug bite, but the fact I willingly let her strike me made me die a little inside.

She reached out, patting where she hit me. Her smile was pure maliciousness. “Did I do it right? You were always telling me I didn’t do it hard enough. Bite harder, little girl. Scratch deeper, bitch.

“Never satisfied.”

I couldn’t do this. ~You can~. Staring at the dark red canopy above, I yelled, “No, you didn’t do it fucking right.” This was wrong. It wouldn’t help her. She’d obviously lost herself too deep.

I couldn’t save this woman in front of me—not like this. “Tess, this was a mista—”

The sharp wallop on my thigh came from nowhere; my eyes popped wide. Tess breathed hard, pointing the paddle like a gun. “Is ~that~ how you like it?” She hit me again.

Fire building in her gaze, nursing the hatred, the fear she’d lived with for so many weeks.

I stopped breathing. Was I seeing what I wanted to see, or was it the truth?

That spark. The flare. The ice blue smouldering to soulful grey.

“Yes,” I murmured even though my answer was fucking hell no. I hated it. Hated being strung up. Every cell in my body hated it, but this was the woman I loved.

This was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

“Hit me again, ~esclave.~ ” My hands curled into fists; I gasped as she delivered another stinging wallop. She hit me hard across my stomach and I tensed, clenching against the pain.

“Always orders with you. Do you know I wished to kill you so many times? Every second of every day I existed in a drugged stupor, I thought of ways to exterminate you.”

My heart raced. Tess no longer saw me. She no longer knew where she was nor cared. Her mind had cracked, and I was both elated and petrified.

“You like it when I hurt for you? You like it when I take orders from you?” Her voice raised an octave. “You like it when I ~kill~ for you?”

What the fuck? She killed for them? They broke her by making her commit murder? Everything that happened in the last few weeks suddenly made sense. How she avoided all human contact.

She stopped feeling. Stopped reacting.

She took a human life. That did something deep inside. It irreversibly changed a person forever.

Fuck, I would never get her back. I knew the darkness of taking a life. I could live with it—the darkness was part of who I was—but Tess… she was never meant to be such a monster.

Her arm swung, putting her entire body weight behind the strike. Her body twisted, her face scrunched as she belted me across the groin.

~Holy, fucking fuck.~

My cock hollered in agony; my balls disappeared into my body. The pain ricocheted into my stomach, making me want to vomit.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” she whispered, her tone dark and sinister.

I couldn’t say a fucking thing, only gasp like a dying fish. The pain. I’d never been hit so hard in such an off-limit area.

Her body language went from angry to radiating manic hatred. “You fucking made me hurt them. You made me burn them, break them.” Her arm rose and she hit me across the chest.

“You made me kill one of them! And I’m done. I’ll kill you. I’ll do what I should’ve done months ago.”

I squeezed my eyes, no longer able to watch her come apart. To see the pain she’d bottled up inside spewing forth like a black disease.

“I hate you.” She struck my knee.

“I hate you.” She hit my side.

“I~ hate~ you!” She pummeled my chest.

My eyes flew open as she hit my cock again. I groaned with agony.

Each time she hit me, her voice rose and cracked until finally, the one thing I’d been waiting for, begging for, started to fall.

Tears.

They glossed her eyes, trembling on her bottom lashes. “You made me into one of you!” She threw away the paddle and grabbed a thick flogger.

The strike landed across my face, cutting deep into my skin.

I grunted with the pain. I wanted nothing more than to dive at Tess. Pin her to the floor and turn the tables. I wanted to hit her. Inflict the same agony. I wanted to sense her submission.

I wanted to be turned on and fuck her.

There was nothing sexy about this. My cock wanted no part in it. It wasn’t right in my world, and every part of me screamed to end it, but she needed to kill her nightmares.

I had to give her my body because she already owned my heart.

I knew the dark place she lived in.

I knew the horrors of being a killer, and I knew the moment she gave in fully, allowed herself to release all those ugly memories, she probably wouldn’t stop until I was dead.

But if it meant she could purge herself and move on from hell, I would do it.

I would sacrifice myself for her.

Taking a deep breath, I whispered, “~Je t'aime~, Tess.” I love you. “~ Nous sommes les uns des autres.~ ” We are each other’s.

Tess cocked her head, breathing hard against the tracks of tears falling endlessly from her eyes. It didn’t register, and I was glad in a way. I spoke to her fractured soul, not the broken woman.

Sucking in my pride and honor and every last fucking shred of decency I had left, I growled, “You’re a fucking disappointment. Did we not teach you anything? You killed—so what. You’re useless.”

“Pathetic.”

Tess made a strangling noise.

“You’re worthless. You can’t even follow orders correctly.”

Her mouth twisted. “I hate you for eternity. I hate your operation. I hate your stench. I hate your clothes. Your voice.

“Your lack of humanity.” Her eyes glazed, turning deeper and deeper into her nightmare.

A sharp burn started in my throat at the knowledge I had truly fucking lost her.

Tess put aside the flogger and picked up the cat-o'-nine-tails. The same tool I used to break the memories of her rape.

There was no warning, no build-up—she struck.

The multiple threads whistled through the air and bit into my clothes. The tiny beads shredded my T-shirt.

The next hit landed on my thighs, burning me through the denim. Tess went feral; double fisting the whip, she struck and struck.

A particularly violent hit landed across my throat—it sent shock waves echoing through my body. Tess was nothing but pure rage, gushing from a soul that had finally had enough.

Time ceased.

Tess hit and hit and hit.

She broke my skin and blood ran free, dripping and staining the towels below.

My clothes ripped with every strike until they hung in fucking tatters. The pain amplified, building and building until every part of me trembled. I wanted to scream and rage and curse.

I needed an outlet. I needed to run. But I never made a sound as Tess whipped me closer and closer to death.

Through swollen eyes, I didn’t recognize Tess anymore. Sweat matted her hair and tears shone on her cheeks.

My heart broke into a billion fragments for what I did to this wonderful woman. I wanted to wrap her up and never let anything happen to her again.

I never wanted to lay another finger on her or cause her any pain. I just wanted her to be happy.

Her next strike caught my flayed chest, tearing deep into my skin.

I couldn’t help it— I cried out. The first sign of weakness and Tess pounced on it. “You like that, you bastard.”

She hit me again and again. “Die, you murderer. Just die.”

The ache of tears shot up my spine, bruising my eyes.

I’d never cried.

Not once.

I always thought I was incapable. And yet, as I lay taking the brunt of everything Tess lived with, I felt myself coming apart. I’d never had the urge to give up my life to save another.

I was never weak or selfless enough to put another first. But falling in love with Tess took away my balls as well as my heart, and now I would pay for it.

A single tear escaped my control. The caustic pain of salt burned the cuts on my cheeks. Another tear rolled silently, motionlessly.

One tear for what I lost.

One tear for what I gained.

One tear for being helpless.

One tear for being in love.

Six tears until my body gave out, my blood ran cold, and Tess beat me into oblivion.

Cold water drenched my face.

I winced as my fiery eyes opened to a tearstained, furious Tess on top of me. An empty glass rested in her hand.

I looked down, noticing I was naked, dripping with blood, and crisscrossed with lacerations. She’d cut off my blood-soaked clothing, leaving them on the bed beside me.

“You used to wake me up like that every morning. Time to hurt another, you’d say. But now it’s over. I’m done hurting you. I’m going to kill you.”

She scooted off, moving to stand by the side of the bed. Her eyes no longer burned with hatred and the need to maim; now they held resolution and satisfaction.

My overworked heart thudded with happiness. I might’ve been able to help her after all. My life for her life. ~I’m glad.~

“This is for those women you made me ruin. For the life you made me take.

“I hate you and I hope you rot in hell.” She raised her hands above her head, fingers wrapped around the handles of sharp silver scissors, holding them like a dagger over my heart.

“ ~Esclave—” I tugged on the rope around my wrists, not ready to die. I~’m not ready to fucking die.~

My life raced before my eyes: how much I’d miss. How much I hadn’t had time to do.

I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let her send me away. Not now. Not after everything.

I did the one thing I swore not to do.

I screamed.