chapter 20: everything

Rose

Twigs snapped beneath my feet and trees turned into a green blur as I raced through the forest. I had to find Sebastian. I had to stop him. My lungs ached, my hair clung to my damp forehead but my footsteps never faltered for even a second. I refused to slow down or take a moment to regain my breath.

The glint of the knife he carried so easily flashed into my mind and filed me with a fear I had never felt before. The image rang in my head like a siren as I forced my legs to move faster, following the now-familiar path to the clearing.

I pushed away thoughts of impending danger. When Sebastian pulled out that knife, for the first time since I met him, I found myself questioning his sanity. But none of that mattered. My fear was locked into the depths of my mind. His safety was my first priority and I refused to let him hurt himself over a girl who was already gone.

A little voice in my head screamed to listen to Sebastian — run back to my cabin and lock the door behind me. I drowned out the unwanted warning with the sound of my heavy burning as I pushed my legs to their limit. The last time I had ran this frantically was to the hospital when I received a phone call that Caleb had gotten into a car accident.

I refused to lose Sebastian, too. And I knew he wasn't Caleb but he was all I had.

Out of breath, I reached the clearing and resisted the urge to collapse onto the ground to regain my breath. I could see Sebastian's silhouette from beneath the thick tree foliage and I pushed past it, ignoring the branches that dug into my skin, drawing blood, as I burst into the clearing.

"Sebastian!" His name came out in a strangled screamed, weighed down by exhaustion, but still caught his attention. His chin shot up and his eyes met mine. He stood in the centre of the clearing, feet planted squarely as he held the knife in his hands with fierce determination.

"You weren't supposed to follow me," he said.

I wanted to roll my eyes at how idiotic he was being. Instead, I took a cautious step forward. "Let me help you," was all I could manage to say as my eyes remained locked on the knife in his hand that glistened under the morning sun.

All I needed was an alternative — another idea that would give him a glimpse of hope small enough to abandon this plan.

"Go home, Rose." I remained where I was and pretended Sebastian's words didn't hurt. His eyes left mine as he turned away from me but I walked towards him, determined, and planted myself in front of him.

He couldn't get rid of me that easily.

"We can think of another way to get her back!" I was sure I looked equally crazy as I stood in front of him, sweaty and exhausted, fighting a man over a ghost. "I'll help you, Sebastian. We can —"

"This is the only way," he snapped. The anger took over his already dark eyes until I could see nothing in them but vast darkness.

I felt tears well in my eyes as I glanced down at the knife hovering between us, a metal barrier. With all hope lost, I reached out and wrapped my hand around it, too.

"Let me do it," I pleaded. "I'll be quick and then...And then this will all be over." I tightened my grip on the knife. "Give it to me, Sebastian."

And, to my surprise, he did. Sebastian's hand dropped to his side quickly as he let go of the knife. I held the weapon in my hand and stared at it in awe. I had expected a fight, for him to protest but he just ...It was then that I realized the lengths people would resort to for not only love, but guilt.

My hand held the knife carefully and all I could think of in that moment was Caleb. His green eyes, larger-than-life smile and the warmth that I felt whenever he was around. That, if I was in Sebastian's shoes, I would have plunged this knife into me without a second thought if it meant being able to see him again, even if only for a second.

But this wasn't real. It was an illusion. And as Sebastian opened his mouth to speak, I spun around and flung the knife off the edge of the clearing and watched it sail away.

A breath of silence hung in the air before Sebastian's scream broke through. I watched, frozen, as he ran to the edge and stared down helplessly. For a second I expected him to jump, but he stood there, shoulders slumped, staring before him.

The knife was gone. I finally allowed myself to breathe again.

My relief quickly turned into fear as Sebastian turned towards me, his face contorted with foreign anger. His eyes were wild as he ran a shaky hand through his dark hair. I felt my heart beat accelerate as I took a step backwards, my feet stumbling over a rock.

I waited for him to scream, to blame me for ruining his only chance at getting Violet back, but the silence only stretched on between us as Sebastian sank to the ground with his head buried between his knees. I stood there, frozen, until the sound of him crying urged me to move. I kneeled beside him as he muttered "she's gone" beneath his breath, over and over.

Ever so gently, to not startle him, I placed my hands on his knees. "I'm sorry," was all I managed to say. And suddenly, I was transported back to the day of Caleb's funeral where I was drowning in a sea of meaningless apologies. I finally understood the helpless feeling of watching someone in pain and not physically being able to do anything to stop it.

I hated this. I hated every second of his tears and the defeated feeling of not knowing how to help him. All I could do was hold Sebastian as we sat in the clearing, surrounded by trees and a sky that slowly faded from blue to the orange hues of sunset. Sebastian's sobs had quieted, but neither of us said a word.

A moment later, his head rose from beneath his hands, red eyes latching onto mine. "What is wrong with me?" he asked.

I reached out and placed my hands on either side of his face, his light stubble brushing against my skin. "Nothing," I reassured him, wiping a tear off his cheek. "You never had a chance to mourn her, Sebastian."

"Because she's not gone."

I smiled sadly. "Yes, she is. And it's only when you accept it that you can begin to move on — begin to heal."

I was startled by my own words. Is that what this was for me, the healing?

Sebastian shook his head frantically, the familiar crazed look taking over his face again and interrupting my thoughts. He stood up suddenly as he began to walk around the clearing in circles, eyes trained on the ground.

I followed him and sat up, watching him wearily. "What are you doing?" I asked cautiously

"Looking for something sharp," he mumbled beneath his breath.

I let out a long sigh as I watched him spiral into another manic episode. The only thing he would find in this clearing was a sharp stick, and even that scared me.

I watched him pace back and forth. Slowly, I began to not recognize the man standing before me. This wasn't the Sebastian that I painted, with the darkest eyes and the brightest smile, that kissed me in a moment of weakness and reminded me of my own strength.

While I thought back to our kiss, slowly, an idea began to form in my mind. I clung onto it with every ounce of hope I had left as I ran to Sebastian and grabbed his hands in mine.

"Kiss me," I said frantically.

Sebastian's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "What?" he asked.

"The last time you spoke to Violet, you said it was about our kiss. Right? That she was jealous that you kissed me!" I said quickly, waving my hands excitedly as I spoke.

"Well, yeah, she was jealous of that but — How is this going to help, Rose?"

"Sebastian!" I screamed, grinning ear to ear. "Violet appeared that night to speak to you because she was jealous. Pain isn't the only thing that brings her to you," I emphasized, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them lightly. "Jealousy does, too."

"You think if I kiss you, it will make her jealous enough to come back..." His voice trailed off as his mouth curved up into a smile. "That's brilliant," he breathed.

I nodded triumphantly as I took a step closer to him. I knew what we were about to do was borderline crazy — hell, it was far past crazy, but crazy was beginning to feel like our new normal.

"Kiss me, Sebastian," I begged, a little too eagerly. "Let me help you get her back."

A silence seemed to wrap around us as Sebastian let out a long breath before holding my face gently between his palms. I could still remember what it felt like to have his lips on mine and, against my own protests, my traitorous heart was pounding out of my chest with budding anticipation.

"I don't want to use you like this," he said quietly, his face hovering in front of mine.

"It's just a kiss, Sebastian," I reassured him as I rested my hands on his. "It doesn't have to mean anything."

But as his lips gently pressed against mine, I knew it was a lie. Because although we both clung to the desperate belief that these kisses meant nothing, neither of us were naive enough to believe that as the truth.

All hesitations, along with every ounce of guilt, seemed to vanish as Sebastian's hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me against him. I ran my fingers through his long hair and was transported to another world where it was just the two of us — where the pain of past loves weren't wedged deeply between us.

Just as my knees began to go weak, Sebastian pulled away slightly, his forehead resting against mine. And although I knew it was selfish, I heard myself say, "That's not going to make her jealous enough," as I crashed my mouth back to his.

That kiss a moment ago was a warm up, but this...this was everything. I felt myself walk backwards, Sebastian's mouth never leaving mine, until my back was pressed against a tree and his body was pressed against me. My hands clawed desperately at his shirt until they slipped beneath the fabric and my fingers pressed into his warm skin. Sebastian moaned softly as his mouth moved down my neck, kissing my bare shoulders before his mouth locked onto mine again desperately.

His hips pressed into mine and I lifted up my leg, wrapping it around his waist and pulling him tighter against me as I tugged up his shirt. I ran my fingers along his back, his skin blazing under my touch, as his body held me locked against the tree.

I wanted more. I wanted him.

I wanted to take off all of his clothes and touch every inch of him. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be wanted and adored and loved. Kissing Sebastian almost felt like that, but it wasn't enough. My fingers hovered over the button of his jeans as a war raged on inside my mind. Just as I began to fumble with his belt, Sebastian pulled away.

It was always too soon.

We stood there, sweaty as our heavy breathing filled the silence between us, both taken aback by what started out as a meaningless kiss had turned into. Sebastian had someone and so did I. And the fact that the people we both loved were dead wasn't enough for either of us to move on.

Sebastian cleared his throat awkwardly as he pulled his t-shirt back down over his chest. I readjusted the straps of my tank top and smoothed the hair off my forehead, looking anywhere but his face.

"You should go," Sebastian said suddenly. My head snapped up as my cheeks warmed in embarrassment. His eyes widened as he took in my startled expression. "Violet only shows up when I'm alone," he clarified, smiling awkwardly.

Right, I thought. Violet.

"Yeah..." I breathed, as I tugged down the hem of my tank top."That makes sense." I managed a small smile before I began to walk away, my heart beat never returning to normal.

"Rose," I turned around too eagerly when Sebastian called my name, filled with hope. When our gaze locked, it was as if the kiss we shared never happened as his eyes were lost in a familiar sadness. "Thank you," was all he said.

I nodded once as I walked away, my heart sinking in my chest.

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