run for those hills, my love

April

A terrain of unwashed plates and dirty clothes had expanded in Oikawa's bedroom. Half of the house was empty with Ainu's belongings gone and shipped to Taiwan. It became a ghost town, and the only ghost who lived there never really left his bedroom. I could smell the blues from across the room. Literally. Oikawa hadn't showered in days, nor had he had much to eat. His skin was pale and starved. All skin and bones. It felt like staring at a reflection of who I was back in the early days of winter, drowning in my own emptiness. It was 2:00 PM, and Oikawa was still asleep. Like how Kuroo and Bokuto took care of me, I'd brought over a warm meal. Homemade udon, to be specific (the things we do for the people we care about).

"Wake up!" I clutched onto his blanket and shook his body. "Rise and shine! C'mon now, you need to eat."

Oikawa pulled the blanket over his face and groaned into his pillow. "Hmph! Couldn't you see that I'm tired."

Rude motherfucker.

I grabbed his legs and pulled him out of his bed. "If that's how you're going to talk to me after I spent all morning preparing food for you, then you're getting in the bath." At first, he attempted to pull away and fight back, but in twenty seconds, he lost all motivation. I lifted him into the warm water and lathered his body. He remained expressionless, staring blankly at the soapy bubbles and shower tiles, even while I scrubbed his entire back and chest. The man was lost in his own sorrow.

I splashed his face with water and washed the shampoo out of his hair. He looked up at me, forcing a weak half-smile. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"What was that? C'mon now, say it louder," I smirked.

"Thank you, Hajime."

My heart stopped. It was the first time he had ever used my given name. I was still pouring water over his head. Oikawa grabbed the shower handle and turned it off.

"You're welcome." I blinked, glancing down at him.

He snapped in front of my face. "You there? Why are you spacing out?"

"What was I saying again?" I grinned. "Oh, right. Now that you're all clean, are you going to eat the udon I made you? I woke up early this morning to prepare it just for you, so if you—"

"I'm starving."

I threw a towel at his face. "Dry up. I'll be in the kitchen."

Oikawa slurped his noodles as if he hadn't eaten anything in weeks. I wondered how much food he actually consumed. He'd lost weight and looked more tired with each visit. Eevee snuggled between us as we finished our lunch and watched another episode of Cowboy Bebop.

The ending theme came on, and Oikawa placed a hand on my arm.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that. It's always hard when people catch me at my lowest points... but, for some reason, it was nice to be dragged out of bed by you."

"Don't worry about it. Funny enough, I know exactly what you're going through."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Sometimes, we all just need people who care. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I placed the vegetables from my bowl into his. "How are you feeling now?"

"Better." His head still hung low. "Thanks. For everything."

Eevee snuggled below his arm, and Oikawa soon fell asleep on the couch. Not too long after, the dog began snoring. Oikawa looked completely depleted. I imagined his outside world—the unsolicited headlines, interviews, rumors, and photographs—spreading like wildfire and burning through his life.

I covered him with a blanket. This was progress, I reminded myself. Last week, he was trapped in bed for what seemed like days, refusing to get up no matter what I did. Today, I finally dragged him out. He took a bath and ate the food I brought. I could only hope that this would be a continuous positive trend. Be patient, Iwaizumi. It'll take time. Baby steps. There was no way we could betray each other now. You got this. He's got this.

After a few more episodes of Spike Spiegel's bounty hunter adventures, I also grew tired. I then crashed on his couch. My legs intertwined with his. The cartoon galaxy and Oikawa's sleepy face were the last things I saw. I'll see you in my dreams, Space Cowboy.

~~~

May

"Why are you making me do this," he groaned.

We scaled the side of a recently abandoned Shinjuku shopping mall. Somehow, it was my idea. How the tables have turned, am I right? After nine stories of rickety ladders and afraid gasps, Oikawa and I finally reached the rooftop. We were face to face with Tokyo's brightest lights. Gigantic, neon billboards flickered all around us, showcasing multicolored signs and various advertisements for strange products, such as artisan beer, strawberry cheesecake, and some anime about a notebook that kills people. Every now and then, a distant screen would flash a sportswear montage of Oikawa shouting, "IF YOU'RE GONNA HIT IT, HIT IT UNTIL IT BREAKS!"

"Fuck, couldn't they just delete that shit. I hate that line so much. I don't know why they made me say it," he covered his face in embarrassment.

"I think it's funny, but look, it's gone now. Who's that?" The video had switched to new volleyball players who apparently emerged just this year. They were faces I'd never seen before.

"Stoic man on the left is Ushijima Wakatoshi. Guy on the right is Miya Atsumu."

"Are they any good?"

"Prodigies. I wish I could be like them."

Oikawa appeared both content and hurt by this fact. It was tough for him—seeing new players take his place, and yet, his love for the game of volleyball was so strong that any news of achievement in the sport uplifted him. If only his injury didn't hold him back. He would still be out there playing against those guys.

"I think you're brilliant the way you are. You fought till' the very end. You're the most hardworking human being I know."

He blushed. "Look at the stars. You have to look hard in the city. Beyond the light pollution and clouds, but they're there... or at least, I like to remind myself that they're still there, even if I can't see them."

We sprawled on our secret rooftop, gazing up ahead.

"Oikawa?"

"Yeah?"

"You never talk much about Taiwan. Do you want to?"

"I'm an open book."

I waited. He knew the questions I would ask. The elephant in the room.

"Where do I even begin?" He took a deep breath. "I went into it knowing that I would eventually leave. Taiwan was an escape. The most delicious street food. Friendly strangers who showed me around when I got lost. A sense of peace, away from the madness of Tokyo. However, at the end of the day, it was still an excuse to escape from my problems, and I knew I couldn't run away forever. Even before Ainu and I left Japan, I knew I would have to end things with her at some point. I think we both knew."

"Were the magazines true?"

"Everything is a half-truth, half-lie... but c'mon, you think I read those!? I would lose my goddamn mind!" he exclaimed. "The full truth is that Ainu and I had both outgrown our relationship, but this reality festered into deeper wounds. She was always so focused on her work, and instead of being proud of her, I felt neglected, alone, insufficient. The growing distance between us only made us resent each other even more. I took on bad habits, and that hurt her as well. The split was mutual, but it still hurt like crazy. Beyond that, my mind was consumed by someone else. Though, I don't think I need to explain that."

"Do you still love her?" I immediately regretted asking, but Oikawa's eyes showed nothing but pure honesty. There was no hesitation, nor was there the desire to sugarcoat the truth of his emotions.

"I'll always love her, but it's now a different type of love. No longer romantic, but the care is still there. Memories too. We never really stop loving all the people we've loved in the past, but I've moved on, Iwa-chan. Truly. As I said, my mind is consumed by someone else."

I thought about the ways we existed in each other's minds through the weeks, months, and even years. Then, I closed my eyes and imagined the stars concealed behind layers of midnight clouds. He was right: we never really stop loving all the people we've loved in the past.

~~~

June

By summer, Oikawa had regained his excitement for life. Now, he was the one pulling me out of bed after my late-night shifts. C'mon, C'mon, rise and shine. He was now also imitating me. Using my words and all. Great.

We trekked to the top of a large, grassy hill. It was a place located many miles outside of the city. The air was crisper, and the sky also looked bluer. Oikawa wore a loose, linen shirt tucked into a pair of gray shorts. His hair was disheveled and rummaged in the wind. He looked stunning. It felt like the time we explored the backcountry of our hometown. Oikawa led the way. He climbed the slopes gracefully. I was panting all the way up.

We sat on the large cliffside rock, overlooking the valleys and lush trees of the region. Even if you squint your eyes really hard, Tokyo was nowhere to be found. I didn't know I needed to escape the city but removing myself from the packed spaces of tight apartments and towering buildings made me feel like a person again. Getting out of bed to ride the morning train out of Tokyo was always the toughest part, but Oikawa and I soon realized that we needed the clarity and steadiness that only green fields and vast waters could offer.

"Could I ask you a question?" he asked, his voice a bit wary.

"Of course." I looked at him. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's okay," he replied, "I was just curious... Hm, how do I ask this..."

I raised an eyebrow, giving him a perplexed look.

"I mean, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but what was your relationship with Sara like? I've only heard bits and pieces from Bokuto, but you know, it's Bokuto."

"Oh." I paused to think about it. "Hm. Well, there was no romantic attraction between us, but there surely was everything else... but mostly friendship. A really wonderful friendship. I think we were two lost people, with similar struggles, who both needed each other's company and presence."

"I see."

"We got our lives off the ground with each other's help. I haven't heard from her for some time now, but the last time we talked, she's back with the person she loves." I smiled, thinking about Sara. I wondered if she was out there, somewhere beautiful, exploring the world with the girl she always spoke about—like me, in this very moment, with Oikawa by my side.

"I hope I'll get to meet her at some point!" He sounded enthusiastic.

"Me too. You both would get along." I meant that.

Then, he sprinted down the other side of the hill, jumping over patches of sweet lavenders and orange peonies.

"Catch me if you can!" he screamed right before tripping over and rolling down the grass.

"Oh, I will!" I raced towards him. The rain showers of spring had casted a spell of pastel flower blossoms. The breeze brushed against our skin. It was the perfect day.

We were both so unbelievably happy.

~~~

July

"Do you think we look like honeymooners?"

"Eh, maybe" I contemplated, "but people probably think we're siblings."

"God, don't say things like that." Oikawa made a stink face.

"Blame it on heteronormativity."

Hot and humid, after soaking in the sweat of subway lines and car smog, Oikawa decided that we should spend a weekend in the seaside town of Ine, right off the coast of Kyoto. The town was unique and unlike any big city in Japan. Wooden fishing houses lined the shoreline, and thus, the village floated on the sea. Sunlight entered through the gaps between the houses, casting reflections on the water. Fishermen loaded their boats, and small children waved as seagulls flew above their heads. It felt as if Ine was trapped in 1890, untouched by the frenzy of new technology and rapid changes. Even the people of the town took life slowly. Everyone carried on their days with a tranquil patience.

"Hungry? I could go for a yellowtail rice bowl." Oikawa's stomach growled, and he pulled me into the nearest place with an indication of seafood. We walked into a family-owned restaurant. It was run-down and looked like someone's unkempt kitchen, but an old man stood behind the bar counter. The cabinet was filled with bottles of sake and shochu. A giant pot of soup was simmering over a fire.

"Hello!" The man called us over. "Dinner for two? Are you two men hungry? Come sit!

We followed him to a small table by the open window. "Where are you from?" he asked.

I almost said Tokyo. "We're from the Miyagi Prefecture. West of Sendai."

"That is lovely, and I'm glad you've made your way to Ine. After all, nihon no kokoro, asoko ni naru." Japan's heart is in the countryside. He grinned an almost-toothless smile. "Have you been here before?"

"It's our first time," Oikawa answered.

"I see. You've come to the right place. We've got our family's ancient sake and endless recipes. Fresh oysters. Salmon, yellowtail amberjack, Spanish mackerel, and Japanese sea bass. Even the fish are international! Do you have something in mind or would you like the Chef's Special?"

"What's the Chef's Special?"

"We'll have to find out! I'm the chef!"

Oikawa and I looked at each other: a look that said, Fuck it, we ball.

"Sure! Chef's Special for two, please."

The old man returned with glasses of shochu, bowls of kaisendon, slices of kazunoko, unagi over rice, and a side of warm miso. Upon first bite, my tastebuds entered a new and beautiful world. I'd never tasted anything so savory. It was so good that Oikawa and I couldn't even talk while we ate. Instead, we listened to the old man and his plethora of stories.

The old man was named Uchida. We learned that he was born and raised in Ine, that he lived on the second floor of this building, and that the place had been passed down for five or so generations. We learned that his father was a fisherman, and so was his grandfather, and great-grandfather, but Ushida yearned for more: to learn how to cook the fish, how to prepare it... turn sealife into cuisine. Thus, this place was transformed from a boating house into a restaurant.

He taught his son how to catch fish and cook a good meal. They spent their afternoons out in the open sea with rods and nets in the water. They only returned to land once the moon appeared, when the town was quiet and ready for a good night's rest. Him and his wife slept in the bedroom upstairs for forty years. She passed away six years ago. He went back to describing his son—his ability to tie sixty different types of knots, his love for the ocean and animals that live in it.

Where's your son now? I asked. Is he still in town?

"He's also dead," he said with a stoic expression as if he had encountered grief on a day-to-day basis. "Leukemia. They found it too late, and by that time, he only had four months to live. I used to dream of passing this place down to him, but those dreams only exist in my imagination now."

"Your restaurant is one-of-a-kind. I hope it doesn't go away."

He chuckled. "Unlike you two, I am an old man now. My back's rusty and fucked-up, all right. This place is a labor of love. I love feeding the people who come in here to dine. Locals. Regulars. New tourists. Everyone... but, kid, when you're my age, you have to fight to keep your body alive."

I wanted to say something uplifting, but who was I to tell an elderly man what he already knew. All that I knew, he already had stored away. Instead, I had a more unusual request for him.

"Can you show me your kitchen?" I asked. We were the last ones left in his restaurant, so I hoped it would be okay to do so.

His eyes lit up. "Of course."

Uchida opened his liquor cabinet and gave me a taste of his homemade sake. He showed me how to make the perfect sweet and spicy sauce for grilled eel. Then, he taught me the best way to cut sashimi salmon, and afterwards, he handed the knife to me and I attempted it on my own.

Look at you! You're a natural!

We stayed there for hours, learning the rules and traditions of his sacred space. Before we knew it, it was dark, and we were all yawning. I was on the verge of falling asleep, but I didn't want to leave. Every minute in Ine felt precious. It was an inexplicably magical town.

"For a moment," Ushida confided, "I thought I had traveled back in time to cook with my son. It was a pleasure having you both as my guests for tonight. Please come back if you ever visit Ine again." He held his hand over mine. His eyes glinted with a mysterious hope. There was a gentleness between us.

"I will, sir." It felt like a strange promise, but it was one I would never break.