Chapter 30: The Truth but More Lies than Anything

ELAINE

I stirred in bed, my body aching as if it were on the verge of shattering. The pain was like icy needles prickling my skin, drawing a moan from my lips.

A familiar shadow sat on a chair near my bed. His long silver hair moved gently with the breeze from the fan.

“Hey,” Yuki greeted, his smile soft as he reached out to hold my trembling hand.

“Connor,” I croaked out. “Where is he?”

Yuki’s smile faded into a frown.

“He’s outside talking with Sorin and your brothers,” he said quietly.

I sighed, sinking deeper into the pillows that did little to ease the pain radiating through my body.

“Elaine,” he began, prompting a hum from me.

I gave him a moment to gather his thoughts. I knew he had a lot on his mind, given everything that had been happening. Like my cousin, I understood his worry. But what concerned me was how he would express it, how he would twist his words to make me feel like crap.

I waited for him to speak, but he just continued to frown.

“Have you ever considered that what happened long ago might be connected to what you’re going through now?” Yuki asked.

I stiffened, my mind spinning as I stared back at him. He couldn’t be serious. Of all the questions, he chose to ask that one now?

“Would you mind explaining what the ~fuck~ you’re talking about?” I snapped.

“Don’t speak to me like that. You know exactly what I mean,” Yuki retorted. His eyes darkened to pitch black, his nails digging into his pants.

“No, sorry, I don’t remember,” I lied. A pang in my chest made me shift uncomfortably in bed. “You’re not going to enlighten me?”

“You know, so stop pretending,” Yuki said, leaning in and grabbing my wrist. “You remember what you did on the tower all those years ago.

“You know why mates are so rare in the packs, and you know why you were punished!”

I tried to pull away from his grip, but he held firm.

Tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. Yuki was crossing a line I didn’t need crossed right now. Not when I felt so sick. I needed something to make me feel better.

“Call Connor,” I demanded through my tears.

“Not until you answer my question, Elaine!” Yuki insisted.

“You want to do this now?” I shot back. “Weren’t you the one who told me to stay away from it?”

“Yes,” he smirked, “but given the circumstances, you have no choice but to confront what you hate the most.”

“I don’t hate it!” I growled.

Yuki chuckled, a hollow laugh that sent a shiver down my spine and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

“Fine,” he said, finally releasing me and leaning back in his chair. “But don’t come crying to me, cousin, when everything comes out and you have nowhere to hide.”

“Are you threatening me? Your queen?” I challenged, summoning Ashina. “You—”

“You think I wouldn’t?” Yuki smirked. “Then how about this?” He leaned in, pulling me closer until our faces were inches apart.

I winced as pain shot through my body. I could barely sit up. Everything was a blur.

With a kiss on my cheek, Yuki whispered, “Don’t forget, I know who your true mate is, my dear, beautiful cousin. Don’t force me to reveal that secret and ruin everything, even for him.”

I felt dizzy. Yuki released me and stood up so quickly that I barely had time to register that he had opened the door and called for Connor.

***

The next time I opened my eyes, I could hear soft snores in my ear. I squinted, realizing I was wrapped in Connor’s arms.

The room was bathed in the soft light of the morning sun, warming our bodies just right. I glanced out the window and saw the white streaks on the trees.

It had snowed last night, and I had no memory of it. So much had happened that I felt like I had lost a day or two.

With a soft sigh, I rested my head back on Connor’s chest. I didn’t want to wake him, but I knew we needed to talk, to sort things out.

As I shifted away from him, he stretched and woke up with a groan. I waited for him to notice me. His honey-colored eyes glowed in the soft sunlight filtering through the clouds.

“Hi,” I whispered, bringing him back to reality. Connor sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, his face creased with worry as he looked me over.

I smiled at his concern, but something else was nagging at me.

“I’m better,” I assured him. He let out a sigh of relief before leaning back against the pillows.

I watched him as he draped an arm over his face. He looked exhausted. I knew it was my fault.

“Sorry,” I murmured, looking down and fiddling with the quilt that covered us.

Connor didn’t respond right away. I knew he was probably at a loss for words, but when he did speak, his words took me by surprise.

“God, Elaine, I’ve been so worried,” he confessed, pulling me into a warm hug. “You have no idea how much I wanted to see you up and feeling better.”

I rested my head on his chest, wrapping my arms around him. Connor was warm, comforting, as…

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, prompting a nod from me. “Are you hungry? The doctor said you might be.”

“No, I…” I cleared my throat and sat up. “We need to talk.”

Connor frowned, his eyes searching mine. He had dark circles under his eyes and a growing stubble on his face.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble, for making things worse, for breaking down—” I began, but he silenced me with a finger to my lips.

I glanced up, my eyes meeting Connor’s. His expression was one of heartbreak, as if he was carrying a heavy load, and that load was me.

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn’t know where to begin. Yuki’s threat echoed in my mind, and I felt a piece of me snap back into place.

How could I have been so foolish?

Everything I did was for a reason, my reason of becoming queen, of making my dreams a reality.

“Elaine?” Connor’s voice was barely above a whisper. I blinked as his thumb gently traced my lips. He was watching me, and all I could do was swallow hard.

“Talk to me, Elaine,” he urged. I shook my head.

“It’s not important. Forget it,” I lied.

“Forget it? Can’t you see how upset you look?” he shot back. I tensed, hating the way he made me feel. “I’m worried about you. I—I just want to help.”

“I don’t need your help!” I retorted. I looked away, my hands clenched in the quilt. “I don’t need you to fix my problems. You should be worrying about other things.”

“You are important,” he murmured. I froze, letting his words slowly seep into my mind, my heart. “You are the most important thing right now.”

Confused, I slapped away the hand that was caressing my face. My eyes stung as I felt tears welling up.

What was he talking about?

“The most important?” I muttered through gritted teeth. “The most important thing should be finding a cure for this!”

I held up my wrist, intending to show him the purple glow, but I was wrong. There was no purple glow. It had returned to its usual white, soothing hum.

My eyes widened in shock as I stared at my wrist.

“What…” I stumbled over my words.

“It happened after midnight. I was in the hallway talking with your brothers when I felt it,” he explained. “Then I felt it, the searing pain that shot through me. Since then, I haven’t left your side.”

I backed away, panicking like the first time it happened. I was back to being tied to him, chained like a dog to an owner I despised.

The tears I had been holding back spilled over, cascading down my cheeks like a waterfall. Why was this happening again? Why now, when my world was already falling apart?

A sob escaped my lips as I covered my mouth, stumbling backward. Connor was quick to catch me before I fell.

I fought against him, furious that we were back to square one.

“Don’t fight me, Elaine!” Connor pleaded. “Please stop fighting me.”

“I hate you!” I pounded on his chest. “~I hate you so much!~”

Connor didn’t retaliate or let go. He held me until I gave in to the exhaustion and pain that was consuming me.

***

“You should eat something, even if it’s just the fruit,” Connor suggested, pushing the small plate toward me.

I eyed it warily. I wasn’t hungry. All the worries weighing on my mind didn’t allow me to relax.

He was in the same boat. He was urging me to eat, but he had barely touched his own food.

With a sigh, I laid back down. A soft knock startled me. I looked at Connor, who just shrugged.

Hearing Jyn’s voice behind the door reminded me of my goal here, which I had foolishly forgotten.

“Hey.” Jyn smiled as he peeked through a small crack in the door.

I just lay there in bed, staring at him as if he were a ghost. Yuki’s words echoed in my mind again. I knew what had happened. I knew why packs were lacking mates.

And after all this time, I thought I could forget.

“Hi.” I forced a smile and let him in. Jyn glanced over his shoulder, and I noticed Sorin behind him.

His eyes were bright, but his face told a different story. They both looked as worn out as Connor.

“How are you feeling? Are you better after spending some time with Connor?” Jyn asked.

“I need to talk to Sorin,” I interrupted, ignoring his questions. “Can we have some privacy, please?”

Connor stood without even looking at me, but I could see his muscles flex as he walked out of the room.

Jyn looked between Connor and Sorin, then with a sigh, he turned and left, closing the door behind him.

I gave Sorin an awkward smile, and he returned it.

“Sit,” I offered.

Sorin rubbed his hands on his thighs as he let out a loud sigh.

“What has Connor done to you?” Sorin blurted out before I could say anything. “You’re too forgiving.”

“I’m not forgiving,” I frowned. “If you think Connor is to blame, yes, he is, but so am I. I’m chained to him like a dog. I have no choice but to deal with the Goddess’s tricks.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Sorin whispered. He gently took my hand in his, stroking my knuckles. “You lost a pup, your child, your blood, because he fought you.”

A lump formed in my throat, making it clear how uncomfortable I was.

It wasn’t the way he said it. It was the fact that I was suffering because I lost the pup.

I knew what I had told Connor before, but I felt it. I knew it.

I had chosen to ignore it. I was a terrible person.

“Hey, love,” Sorin whispered, catching my attention. “Don’t blame yourself for what happened. It wasn’t something you were aware of.”

I pulled away, my eyes wide with guilt. Sorin frowned, then sat back, shock on his face as he realized what my reaction meant.

“You knew?” Sorin voiced the words I had been too afraid to say out loud. “You knew?”

He stood up so abruptly that the chair toppled over.

“You kept it a secret from everyone? How?”

“I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant!” I hissed, my eyes closed. “You know that unless it’s mating season, I can’t get pregnant.”

“Who says so?” Sorin asked. “Do you—”

“I know!” I snapped. Muttering under his breath, he sat on the bed.

“Elaine, you can get pregnant whether it’s mating season or not. I know you didn’t have your mom around to—”

“Don’t you dare bring her into this!” I snapped, feeling Ashina’s fury pulsing in my mind. “Don’t you dare, Sorin, because I swear—I mean it—I will ~never~ air your dirty laundry!”

My nostrils flared as my nails grew, shredding the quilt on my lap. Sorin raised his hands in surrender as I growled.

“I can’t get pregnant outside of mating season,” I insisted. “I know because they told me.”

“Who?” Sorin shot back. “Who lied to you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, a flicker of worry creeping in.

Sorin spun around, flung open the door, and hollered for the pack doctor.

Within moments, the doctor was in the room, glancing between Sorin and me.

“Please explain to her that she can get pregnant outside of mating season,” Sorin said through gritted teeth. The doctor turned to me, surprise etched on his face.

“I know I can’t.”

“No, my queen, you’re mistaken,” the doctor corrected.

“Mating season just speeds up the process, but you can still get pregnant outside of it. Everyone knows that,” he explained.

A cold sweat broke out on my forehead. This had to be a mistake, right?

“That’s impossible,” I murmured, my mind spinning. “There’s no way.”

“~There is~. You can mate as much as you want, but it will take longer for you to get pregnant. During mating season, one night could result in twins,” the doctor sighed. “Why are you so confused?”

I shot Sorin a glare, who was staring at the doctor.

I had to stop him from opening his mouth, from revealing what I’d been hiding.

“Sorin!” I warned, feeling Ashina surge forward.

“She knew she was pregnant, but she didn’t want to admit it,” Sorin blurted out, causing the doctor to spin towards me.

“What?” he asked.

I rose from the tangled sheets that had wrapped around me. How dare he betray me like that?

How could he?

I had trusted him, confided in him, and he did this?

As I reached for his arm with my claws, my vision suddenly went black.

I stumbled forward, caught by two strong arms. With a gasp, I lifted my head to see Connor’s eyes wide, his face drained of color.

He was so pale that for a moment I thought he was the one about to faint, not me.

Worry washed over me as I reached for his face, but he jerked away from my touch, leaving me aching.

“Don’t!” Connor growled as he hoisted us up.

“Connor?” I whispered. “Damn you, Sorin!” I spat.

“Don’t fucking blame him, Elaine!” Connor roared, making me flinch.

I couldn’t stand the thought of him looking at me with those eyes. And yet, strangely, I felt like something between us hadn’t just broken, but had also deepened.

It was a strange sensation, but I had no time to dwell on it. I had to fix this, and fast.

“You knew you were carrying a pup?” Connor snarled as I closed my eyes.

I heard the shuffle of feet as I clenched my fists in anger.

“Answer me, Elaine. You ~knew~?” Connor asked, his voice trembling. “How could you?”

“I didn’t know,” I said, opening my eyes.

Connor stared down at me. I was hiding my emotions, but I knew my eyes betrayed me, as did his. His honey-colored eyes looked so empty as everything he felt shattered, beyond repair.

Gently, he set me on the bed and quickly moved away when I tried to reach for him. Connor seemed so distant, so cold.

“You knew?” Jyn asked this time. “What have you done, Elaine?”

I snapped.

“I didn’t want an heir!” The words tumbled out before I could stop them. “I didn’t want it. Do you hear me? I didn’t want to carry that awful thing!”

The room fell silent as everyone stared at me, speechless. Even Yuki looked shocked at my words.

With shaky legs, Connor turned and left the room.

I gasped for breath as I watched him stumble down the hallway. I waited for the pain that would numb my feelings, but it never came.

Now all I felt was an aching need to cry, to find something to punch until my hands bled and I felt nothing.

“And here I thought Connor was the monster,” Jyn choked out. “How wrong I was. The real monster has always been you.”

Jyn’s words hit me like a punch to the gut.

He didn’t need to say more. I already knew what a monster I was.