Chapter Nineteen

REMINGTON'S POV

The sound of the rain pattering on the conservatory glass roof was hypnotizing. A roar of laughter dragged me from my daydream. It was Monday, the day of Sean's dinner party to celebrate his birthday, and here I was moping in the corner.

I'd left Matthew in the hospital and said my goodbyes. That was it now. We'd be better off ending this thing before it started and one of us got hurt. But hadn't Matthew already been hurt? I was doing him a favour by keeping him away. He'd find someone his own age and have a good life. And I…

I’d just get on with my life like I had been.

Two of my closest friends, Nolan and Lewis, were entertaining the dinner party by regaling us all with their latest crazy story.

"And that's when Nolan realized it had said: use sparingly. Not liberally. I swear, we both looked like we'd been tangoed."

The table erupted in laughter, and I feigned a smile.

"Lewis, how was I supposed to know it contained self-tan? I mean, really, who puts self-tan in an after sun lotion?"

"I can see you both now. Arriving back at Dublin airport, decked out in your holiday finest and glowing like two radioactive tangerines." Sean laughed and lifted his glass in mock toast.

"If it wasn't your birthday, I'd tell you to fuck off." Nolan winked and we all laughed.

These parties were always fun. Close friends, good food, and wine. I'd have taken my turn, adding some recent story of something that happened on a trip I'd taken, but instead, my thoughts floated between Matthew and the emptiness I felt. I couldn't deny that it felt a little odd being here at a party, knowing he was in the hospital, injured and alone.

I had been alone for the last decade, so I could survive without him. I just had to remember how. It was ludicrous that one week, one single week, was all it had taken to undo my comfort with solitude and revert me to a lonely, shell of a man. The only person that had ever made me feel that empty was—

I couldn't let my mind go there. They were different situations, different people.

Nolan and Lewis had been living together for the last five years and lived in a beautiful house outside the city. Nolan came from money—a lot of money. His family members were the heirs to a chain of stores that had made his grandfather a millionaire. His father and uncles had taken over the business, and by the time Nolan took the helm, they were billionaires.

We'd met at an auction house a decade earlier when he'd outbid me on an item and had come over to apologize. I had thought he was trying to lord his win over me, but that was because I didn't know he was the most humble and wonderful man.

We'd been friends for the last ten years, and I had the honour of helping him add to his magnificent collection of art and sculpture.

His younger brother, William, was also at the dinner, along with his latest flavour of the day. It was impossible to predict who he'd show up with to any of these dinners. William was Nolan's half-brother, a son from his father's second marriage. He was much younger and had about as much class as a dishcloth.

He was also a writer, a successful one, but he was self-conceited and had the arrogance of someone who had everything handed to him too easily and expected the world to follow.

Tonight, he had brought a young man to Sean's party. We had all looked at each other and grinned. There was something about the young man's demeanor that made us suspect that he was being paid. Not paid to attend the dinner, but rather for the services he was most likely going to provide once they'd left.

Much to Lewis's annoyance, Nolan felt responsible for William, especially since he always seemed to be on the verge of going completely off the rails. I didn't hate the guy, but I didn't particularly like him.

Across from me, my friend Declan smiled and mouthed, "You alright?"

I nodded and smiled back, forcing myself to appear happy. Declan was a pilot, and his young friend Jamie was a primary school teacher. Declan travelled constantly, and he lived in a new build about four miles outside the village. When the parish school had taken on a new teacher, Declan had offered his spare room and Jamie had moved in.

They'd been living together for two years now, and they were so funny, always bickering on the verge of full-blown arguing, and then next you would find them sitting in the corner yapping on about something.

It was plain as day to everyone but them that they were meant for each other. But neither of them had managed to figure that out yet. Jamie leaned over, placing his unwanted vegetables on Declan’s plate and I stifled a laugh. One of these days they'd have to realise it, right?

I sipped my wine and tried to focus back on the conversation. Sean's son had arrived for the weekend, along with some work friend called Michael. I'd noticed how nervous Sean seemed, bumbling around as he chatted with his son's friend, and I wondered whether... No. I was going crazy, clearly.

Everything had escalated so quick with Matthew that I still hadn't processed the past week. It was such a short amount of time. And yet, it felt like a loss or a death, and I didn't know how to rationalize it. One week isn't long enough to fall in love.

The dinner was a feast of roasted duck, braised beef, a vegetarian pasta, and a full spread of beautiful vegetables, salads, and potatoes, all fresh from Sean's farm. We'd stuffed ourselves to the point of bursting, and the conversation was flowing as much as the wine.

William was leering at his date, and the cutlery rang as the table bounced in direct response to a knee slamming up into it. We all turned to see his left hand hidden under the table, and his date's face burned red with embarrassment.

"Will, darling, if you could un-manhandle your date, that would be great. Not at the dinner table." Nolan glared, giving his brother a death stare.

William grinned and placed both palms on the table dramatically. "Happy now?"

"Ecstatic."

There was something in William's eyes that reminded me of someone on the edge of madness. He was wild and out of control, the opposite of his brother.

"Fantastic dinner, Sean. You always throw the best parties," Declan said, and he lifted his glass in a toast.

Sean nodded his appreciation and looked puzzled as his son stood up.

"Everyone grab your glasses and follow me out into the garden. I have a little treat for my dad."

The patio was lit up with small round lights that resembled globes. A roaring firepit sparked orange and yellow.

"What are you up to, Quinn?" Sean said, and he poked his son in the side playfully.

"Wait here. I'll be back in a minute." Quinn disappeared inside, leaving us to take our seats in front of the fire. Seconds later, he returned with a silver tray carrying a huge birthday cake covered in white marshmallows that looked like a...

"It's a sheep!" Jamie laughed as the cake was placed in front of Sean.

"Quinn, what did you do? I'll kill you."

"No, you won’t, dad. You can't have a birthday without a cake."

"Thank you, son." Sean pulled Quinn closer to him and kissed his cheek.

"Dad, stop. Now, blow out your candles. We couldn't fit all fifty million on there."

We all chuckled.

"Ha-ha. You're very funny."

"Oh, and Mikey helped me organise the cake," Quinn added.

Sean nodded at Michael, smiling in thanks, and I couldn't help noticing the way he was looking at the young man.

Turning my gaze, I saw William with his date perched on his lap, caressing his thigh slowly and sliding his hand up dangerously close. It was highly inappropriate but that was William in one word: inappropriate. Oh, and maybe insane. That was also a good word to describe him.

Nolan stood up and lifted his wine glass to make a toast. He was standing beside the roaring fire as he looked at all of us before turning to Sean.

"Sean, can you stand up, please?"

"Oh no, don't. You promised you wouldn't."

We cheered until he stood up, bashful and shoving his hands in his pockets. Quinn was slicing the birthday cake and passing it around, and for a moment, I wished that Matthew was here, joining us and meeting my friends.

"Sorry but you should know me well enough by now. I'm not going to let any occasion go by without a proper toast." Nolan cleared his throat and we all fell silent. "Hello, and welcome to my attempt to embarrass this guy." He pointed at Sean, and we laughed. "If you're all like me, you're happy to be here for our wonderful friend, Sean, to celebrate what is both a happy and sad occasion. It's happy because another year is a blessing. And it's sad because I'm a little bit devastated that he still hasn't redone the kitchen and removed that awful green paint."

We all smiled and cheered. Sean was mortified, hating being the centre of attention.

"Are you done embarrassing me?" he asked good-naturedly as he edged back towards his seat.

"Almost. Just one more thing."

We were still sitting in a semi-circle, tucking into the fluffy sweet cake.

"We didn't know what to get you, so we all came together and bought you something we knew you'd actually like." Nolan winked at us and waved at me.

I set my cake down and jogged around the side of the Manor to my Jeep. I'd left the gift there, wrapped in packaging paper and taped up. When I arrived back, Sean’s mouth gaped open.

"What is that?"

I carried the large rectangular gift and handed it to him. "Happy birthday, from all of us."

He bit his lips and then set about ripping the paper off, tearing strips and then whispering, "No way," repeatedly.

"It's eighteenth century, to match the Manor," I explained as I looked at the old painting, a warm scene of grazing cattle beside a river. The varnish had cracked and threaded the surface with a veiny appearance.

"It's beautiful. I absolutely love it."

My mind flashed to that day at the auction house, Matthew vibrating with excitement and watching him jump up, delighted as he secured this painting. I hadn't told him it was for a friend. Not that it mattered. He wouldn't be meeting Sean again. And I wouldn't be seeing him.

I swallowed hard and then felt it, two tears slipping down my face. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I quickly dragged my hands across my cheek, but another tear fell, followed by another. The last time I'd cried was after Geoffrey had...

I'd failed to shed a tear in eight years. Panicked, I jumped up knowing that I needed to get out of there.

"Excuse me," I muttered, racing inside and into the downstairs toilet. I sat on the edge of the old bathtub and took several deep breaths.

What was happening? This was so unlike me. I couldn't be upset over something I never had.

But I was. The pain was so raw I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't hold it in anymore and tears continued to fall, and I felt it then, the massive aching hole inside me.

I was empty.

Completely and totally hollow.

Shit.