Chapter 12. Conflicted

🎶 Shikayatein

Published on 25.05.2022

| AUTHOR'S POV |

Ayansh,

Let me start the letter by confessing something. I really, really envy your handwriting. It's actually so pretty! Whereas my handwriting has just downgraded over the years. I know this isn't something you write in a letter but then I really want to write a letter even though I don't know what do I write. There's so much I want to say but I don't know how to put it down. Thank you for your letter by the way. It helped me. I don't want to go into details but just know it did so yeah, thanks.

Much to your disappointment, I'm still proud of you. And to me, it doesn't matter if you believe it or not. I know it must have taken enormous strength and courage to step out of your boundaries and take a leap over your fears. You don't need to be some superficial hero, invincible and unshakeable or confident with a tinge of arrogance. You just need to be you, competing with yourself, trying to be better than you were yesterday. And you did exactly that. The man for whom we spoke up, will speak up for himself the next time and you see it's something to be proud of. It's the power of words. If used wisely, they inspire, they influence, they heal and if not, they hurt, they stab, they break you.

I don't like nights. Neither do I like to to lose myself in my thoughts. It's scary because my thoughts have a way to go down on the road which leads you to no destination. It leads you to destruction. It drags you to a scary place and traps you. It suffocates you. I dread it and I hate it so much. So, I prefer to sleep. Blank, dreamless sleep. A perfect escape. But there are days when sleep too don't provide any respite. The dreams get disguised as nightmares and haunt you, strangle you. It's in such days when you need a ray of hope. You're so disoriented that you don't even look for it but you need it. And if Ayansh, you're the moon then I'm the lost traveller aimlessly walking and your liquid light spilling from the spaces between the clouds is my ray of hope. Your letter, your words were my ray of hope in disguise.

Thank you for reminding me of hope.

Never thought there would come a day where we would be writing letters and reminding each other of something that we seemed to be forgetting. Life works in weird ways truly. It never goes as per our plan but I would like to hope that wherever it leads us, it's better than what we had imagined.

You too forget that I ever wrote this letter. I'm just in a sentimental mood. And don't you dare bring this letter up ever if you love your life!

Hope there comes a day when you're able to express everything that you want to without any hesitation, without needing the help of a paper and a pen to someone who deserves it.

Defectively effective,

Inaaya Rai.

🥀

Ayansh folds the paper and throws his head back, closing his eyes. He read the letter thrice and everytime he reads it, it makes his heart ache more than before. It disturbs him more than before. It's like every positive thing from the letter is dissipating and all that remains is questions and doubts.

He smiles when he reads how his confession about the cafe incident didn't change her opinion of him. She didn't want to convince him to believe her words and accept that he was brave and not a coward. She simply was stubborn to convince him that she stands by what she said and she'll always do no matter if someone else believes them or not. It's the way she is; stubborn, firm and unwavering. All the things that he isn't.

Ayansh frowns when he reads about how she despises her own thoughts. It's conflicting and hard to believe. How can someone not like to have their own space? How can someone find spending time with their own self scary? How does she find it suffocating when for him it's liberating? He wants to ask what it us which troubles her but he's aware that she won't answer. She wouldn't like him to ask that.

It's overwhelming to read that he reminds her of hope. Him? Hope? The one who has been nothing but a disappointment all his life, the one who hardly had anyone to call his friend, the one who rarely has memories of his family being there for him, loving him, appreciating him without any reason. How is he supposed to believe that what she has written it's true? It's too good to be true. But that's the thing when you've nothing. You want to clutch anything that you get with both hands and not let it go. He feels he's undeserving but he still accepts because he's selfish. Every decision he takes these days, every choice he makes these days stems from a deep selfishness rooted within him.

A knock on his room's door disrupt his thoughts. He needs to keep the letter safe. The diary. It's the safest place where he could keep it. Pushing his chair back, he pulls the drawer and removes the diary that lay in the back. He folds the letter and keeps it between some random pages and then keeps the black diary back in its place. It bothers him a little that the diary isn't his and he's using it to safeguard the letter. Again a selfish choice.

Only if he knew that the letter belongs exactly where he kept it.

Ayansh goes to open his door only to come face to face with his brother who looked a little irritated. Like a gush of wind, the reality slaps across his face reminding him of the purpose which is again a result of his selfish decision.

"What took you so much of time?" Rahul shoves him slightly and enters the room, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I was in the washroom." Ayansh lies, closing the door and going back to sit on the chair near the study table.

Rahul nods. "Anyways, what about the progress?" He questions, tilting his head.

Ayansh is fidgeting with his hands as he contemplates his answer. "Do you- do you think it's necessary?" His voice breaks, his heart pounding.

Rahul gives him a shocked look. "Don't tell me you're backing out!" He exclaims, the threat and anger in his tone not going unnoticed by Ayansh.

"No, no." He replies quickly, swallowing air. "What I meant was do you really think it will work? I- I mean are you sure it's her fault?" At this point, he doesn't even know if he's making sense.

Rahul leans forward as he watches Ayansh with scrutinizing gaze. "It's her dad's fault. But she was there and somebody needs to take the fall." He says solemnly.

"It's been years Bhai." Ayansh gulps. "It isn't her fault then why?"

"It wasn't my fault as well yet I hear taunts till date from Dad. It wasn't my fault yet I'd to take the blame, Ayansh." Bitterness dripped from every syllable he spoke. "I'm still carrying the blame. Somebody needs to take it away from me."

Ayansh threads his fingers and squeezes them tight. Anger, frustration, guilt, helplessness coursed through his veins. Gazing down at nothing he said in a small voice, "I don't think it will work."

Rahul clenches his jaw and takes a sharp breath to calm himself down. "Does she still hate you?"

Truth or lie? "No," he says the truth.

"That's a progress. You messed up when you listened to your stupid friends advice to directly confess to her when she didn't even know you. So her not disliking you is a huge progess."

"We aren't even friends." Then what are we? Strangers? But strangers don't write letters to each other. "She's putting up with me because we need to work on the project. The same project where you deliberately suggested my name. But we don't even talk. She tries to be cordial with me and I keep avoiding her, running away from her. I surely don't have a good impression before her. I won't be able to do it." He vents out, crying out in frustration.

Rahul looks at his brother unfazed. "Then, stop running." He says simply and Ayansh looks at him in disbelief. " You've a month. You- "

"Just two to three weeks are left." Ayansh cuts him off.

"There's time and you aren't giving up till the end." He retorts calmly, the vengeance overpowering every other thing.

Ayansh looks up to meet his eyes. "I did try, didn't I? I did as you said but what happened? The accident. You thought it will help us to better my image in front of her eyes, make her look at me in different light but she didn't even come to the hospital with me. Never even mentioned about the incident again." His voice strained as he says that, guilt coating it. Fake accident to bring her closer to him.

Rahul rubs his temple in annoyance. His brother was getting on his nerves. "Are you falling for her?" He asks directly.

Ayansh coughs, choking on air. "What? No." He yells, horrified.

"You agreed," Rahul reminds him. "And I'm not going to let you back out without trying. A month. We'll see what happens when the month ends. Become friends with her, get on her good side, pretend, do whatever you want to make this work if you even slightly respect and love me. I'm not asking much." He grits.

Ayansh thinks, his head bent down and hands resting loosely over his knees. A month. What could happen in a month? Nothing probably. He's going to disappoint as always. He has hardly done anything right in his life so what makes this time different? He won't be able to do it. He won't. He convinces himself. A month? He can go through this. He'll disappoint his brother. His path won't again intersect with her. She would never know. It's safe. No heartbreaks. He will let down his brother in the end but then when does he not? And then, everything will move on as usual.

His brother stands up to go. "Remember Ayansh," he says in warning, making him look towards him. "You've to make Inaaya fall in love with you, not fall in love with her." Rahul walks away, the door falling close behind him.

Ayansh lets out a shaky breath. Covering his face with his palms, he groans.

What has he gotten himself into?

***

Another short chapter. Expected this from Ayansh, yes or no? I thought it was kinda obvious but would love to know your thoughts.

Vote and comment ❤️

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