Chapter 36. Lost

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Published on 18.09.2022

| AUTHOR'S POV |

"Inu?" Her's mother's voice hits her when she tries to open her eyes, the lights blinding her, making her shield them with her hand.

She blinks a few times before getting adjusted to the light and Kartik helps her to sit straight. Before she could ask anything, she's pulled into the warm embrace of her mother.

"I was so worried." She cries out in relief. "Are you alright?" She puts the back of her palm on her forehead to check for fever and sighs to know her temperature is normal.

"What happened?" Inaaya murmurs, taking the glass of water handed by her brother as her head throbbed.

"You fainted. Emotional stress. The doctor just left sometime back." Her Dad who's presence she didn't notice answered in a neutral tone. He either didn't feel any emotion or he was simply too good at hiding them.

"And you aren't even having your meals on time! What the hell is wrong with you!?" Anita scolds her and Inaaya looks quizzically, wondering if her mother knows the truth or not. Her gaze shifts from her mother to her brother in an unasked question.

"I know." Her mother answers and Inaaya bows her head down, staring at her nails and pursing her lips. "We all know."

"I'm sorry." Inaaya breathes out, embarrassment coaxing her and tiredness weighing her down.

What would her family think of her being a fool and a blind in love? Being so dumb to give up on everything else just to be with him and in the end being left all alone in a place which she forever wanted to escape? Maybe she did deserve the heartbreak and grief for being so naive. Maybe she did deserve for not learning her lesson from the last time.

She shivered at the thought and her breathing laboured.

"Inaaya?" Her mother sits on the edge of the bed beside her, holds her hand and starts rubbing her back.

Kartik grips her other hand with both of his and gestures her to take deep breaths.

A lone tear escapes her eye and Anita gently wraps her arms around Inaaya's shoulders and brings her head to her chest.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything." She softly murmurs to her daughter who silently weeps.

Inaaya stays, letting some warmth of her mother's love replace the cold of the harsh reality, letting her words be the only ones she heard and echoed in her brain. She didn't even understand more than half of the things her mother whispered but it felt good, it felt like relief to hear anyone and anything but him. For that moment, it weren't his lies cloaked in sweet promises that tormented her. For that moment, it weren't his arms giving the false illusion of home that held her.

She heard footsteps and slowly pushed herself away to look at the door. The cook had come with a bowl of soup and at the same time, she saw her father leaving the room with a slight shake of his head.

"Have the soup, take the meds and go to sleep." Her mother's voice pulls her from the reverie for she was staring at the entrance for long.

Inaaya nods in a daze.

Anita makes Inaaya drink the soup, taking care of her as she was again a little kid, dependent on her mother entirely. Silence encased the room but nobody complained. Inaaya wished she could silence her head the same way. It was so loud in there that it rendered her helpless. She wished her mother would speak again so that she could ignore the voices in her head. She hated feeling so weak but she couldn't do anything.

"I'll stay with her for the night."

Inaaya turned her head to the source of the voice to find her brother looking at their mother solemnly.

"I'll be here. You go and rest." Anita states calmly, leaving no choice for argument.

"I want to be alone." Inaaya intervenes, exhaling deeply and staring at the door idly.

"I'm not leaving you alone." Anita hands her the glass of water and the meds.

"Mom, please. I'm fine." She feigns determination even though her voice shakes.

"Inu- "

"Bhai, please." She sighs. "I- I don't want this constant sympathy. It's- it's suffocating. Just let me be on my own."

A silent conversation traverses between Kartik and Anita before the former gets up and picks up the tray and empty bowl and leaves the room.

Anita stands up and places a long kiss on Inaaya's forehead. "If you need something, just call me." She gives a sad smile and Inaaya hums in response turning her head away. "I love you."

"Good night, Mom." She mouths and waits till she hears the door closing before pressing her hands to her face and exhaling tiredly.

Inaaya puts the blanket to a side and straightens up. She walks to her wardrobe and takes out the box.

"Alisha told you were in a bad mood and apparently that was because of pmsing so I thought this would make you happy and feel better."

"Fake." She mumbles looking at the wrappers she never discarded. After eating those chocolates, she tried to straighten those wrinkled and curled up wrappers as much as possible and kept them neatly in the box. They were that special to her. The tears that were dried up reappear at the corner of her eyes and slowly trail their way down her cheeks. Her eyes fall on the lavender hoodie and she pulls it out from the corner after keeping the box in.

"Keep the hoodie."

"Why?"

"Maybe because it suits you more than me."

"Smooth." She remarks bitterly and chuckles at herself as a teardrop falls on the fabric, darkening the spot. "But then I can't even blame you entirely right? You asked me not to fall for you and yet I did stupidly." She fists the hoodie in her hand and then throws it back in before closing her wardrobe roughly.

She bites the inside of her cheek to not break into a whimpering mess. She had cried enough but the tears don't seem to end. She should throw away everything that belongs to him, the letter, the wrappers, the hoodie and yet she doesn't has the heart to do so. How is it possible? After everything he did, why couldn't she hate him enough to not cling onto his memories? She catches her reflection in the mirror and stumbles a step back.

She looked distraughted. Wrecked. Broken. Defeated.

Exhaustion weighed heavy on her shoulders. Her hand touch the slight hint of dried blood on her lower lip and she winced. She rubs her eyes to get rid of the moisture, tugs the rubber band out of her hair that looked no less than a bird's nest. Even her off-white shirt looked crinkled and dirty. Her chest hurt. She wished she could numb her pain, sedate herself somehow. She thought she was fine, maybe even strong, strong enough to not let anything affect her to the extent that day did years ago and all it took was one man, one man whom she trusted more than anyone to shatter that belief, to make her crumble like she never stood at all.

Inaaya walks to her bathroom after grabbing her towel. She turns the shower on and the water sprinkles like rain. She strips out of her clothes, leaving her undergarments on and steps into the shower. The cold water hits her skin and she gasps, another sob breaking out of her to realise she forgot to warm the water. Everything was being so cruel to her. Everything felt so draining, so unkind, so hurtful. And she wasn't able to do a thing right.

Helplessly, she slids against the shower wall. The water had drenched her already. She could feel herself shivering and pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"You've given me too much leeway, I fear."

"I did, didn't I?" She mutters, trying to hug herself more, trying to comfort herself and failing royally. A painful whimper slipped past her lips as she struggled to find something that could soothe her aching heart. When did she become so dependent on him that her own arms weren't enough to hold herself anymore?

Her eyes fall close and his face flashes before them. His soft brown eyes searing through her soul, overwhelming her, making her cry harder.

"You trust me so much?"

"Is it a bad thing?"

"Not until I break it."

"You won't?"

"I won't."

"Liar." She sniffles, the warm tears a stark contrast to the cool water smearing against her skin. She grips her knees harder, her nails digging into her flesh, leaving marks underneath them.

"I feel like I'm resembling the moon cloaking behind the clouds while the sun's light try to push me, bring me to the forefront so that I could shine too. You're the sun; persistent and patient, giving and forgiving."

She opens her eyes and leans her head back, taking deep breaths, accepting that now there was no sun and no moon, no shine and no light. All that was left for her was a never ending blackhole.

"I forgot to tell you that I was good in sprinting too. So, don't even think of leaving me or running away from me because I'll chase you and eventually catch you too. Your efforts will be nothing but a waste."

She laughs and shakes her head. "You really had me fooled so bad, making me believe all your pretty lies." Another sob rakes her body and she coughs when the water enters her windpipe, suffocating her even more. She rubs her chest till she stops struggling and drops her head on her knees.

"Ask me to kiss you then."

A voice in the distance whispers and she sniffs, feeling a pain so deep cutting through her chest, splitting it open, making her arms wound around her stomach in an agonizing grip. "Fucker." She screamed in her barely audible voice and whimpered.

"If a tiring Sunday means I get to spend time with you, then I guess it's worth it."

"You can trust me."

"I'm always there for you."

"Liar, liar, liar!" She complains, pressing herself to the wall, curling up in her arms, whimpering, trembling, sobbing. "I hate you." She whispers brokenly, hugging herself closer. "I hate you so much."

🥀

After a couple of hours, Ayansh managed to stumble back into his house. His eyes were droopy and he struggled to walk straight. It was quarter past eleven and apart from his family, Sarya, Kabir and Neha were also present. Kabir and Neha rush towards him when their eyes fall on him. He looked so aimless, so devoid of hope that it was astonishing that he could even walk somehow instead of letting himself get succumbed to the darkness which seemed to have surrounded him.

"Ayansh!" Kabir holds his arm and Neha does the same from the other side.

"Where were you?" Neha asks frantically. "And what— what happened?"

Ayansh pushes them away from himself and limps towards his brother who tried to not show any emotion on his face.

"Why— why did you do that?" Ayansh croaks, his hand falling on his brother's torso as his eyes glaze with fresh tears.

"Go to your room, Ayansh." His brother commands in a stern voice and looks away.

"Why did you do that?" He cries out and drops his head on his brother's chest.

His Dad comes near them and pulls him away, shaking him by his shoulders. "What's wrong with you?" He yells, looking at him incredulously.

Ayansh stares at him vulnerably. "What— what should I do now? What am— am I supposed to do now? What should I do without her?" He sucks in a sharp breath and clenches his jaw. He looks at his brother, betrayal gleaming in his eyes. "You— you told me you won't say anything to her if I did as you said. I did what you wanted." He shoves an accusing finger at him. "I tried. I tried to do everything you wanted. Then why? Why Bhai?"

"Ayansh, stop it!" His Mom screeches, watching her son in horror. "What are you even talking about?" She holds his chin in her grip and makes him look at her. "He's your elder brother. Stop. This. Nonsense." She grits her teeth.

Ayansh pushes her hand away and focuses his attention on Rahul. "You— you need to tell me why did you do that." His body shakes as he speaks. "I know you— you don't love me at all, don't care about me at all but how— how can you be so ruthless? If you had issues with me, you should've hurt me. Why— why her? I did what you wanted. You said you won't say anything to her then wh— why?" He takes his hands in his and begs. "I did everything you told me to. I did everything for you then why— why did you— "

"Because you did everything for her!" Rahul shrieks, pulling his hands back, making Ayansh lose balance and fall to the floor. He inhales a shaky breath and runs a hand through his hair. Ayansh stares in disbelief. "You were ready to steal a file, to breach privacy and all for her, because you wanted to protect her. Newsflash Ayansh Mehra, there was no file of that name. I just made it up to test you. I didn't think you had it in you to actually do something so ethically wrong as that and yet you went forward with it. For whom?" He narrows his eyes and looks at him with betrayal. "For her." Anguish laces his tone. "What was I supposed to do then? Lose again just like I did years ago? The deal then and now, my brother?"

Ayansh's heart drops to his stomach and his mouth falls agape. He couldn't believe his ears.

Neha scrambles to his side. "Ayansh?" She curls her fingers around his arm. "What's going on here? What happened? How's Inaaya?"

A strangled sob leaves his throat at the mention of her name. "It's over." He gasps. "It's all over. I fucked up." He sniffs, dropping his head in his palm and sobbing.

Neha looks at Kabir for some help. Sarya comes near Rahul who looked gutted. "What's going on here?" She asks with dread.

"Can someone do the honour of letting us know what exactly is going on here?" Ayansh dad's voice blooms in the living hall. "Stop talking in riddles."

Ayansh slowly looks up and rubs at his cheeks harshly and crawls on his feet to his brother. "Are you— you happy now?" He asks curiously. "You wanted exactly this, right?" He trips on his foot but Rahul catches him before he could fall. Ayansh chuckles. "I've fallen far enough already. Don't try to save me now."

Rahul eyes his mess of a brother, a heavy emotion tugging at his heart to witness his disheveled state. "I'm sorry." He mutters in a small voice.

Ayansh freezes for a second, frowns at him and then shakes his head with contempt. "I said the same to her." He smiles ruefully. "I— I pleaded to her. Nothing changed. She— she didn't even shout at me. Didn't yell. Didn't stare at me with hate. Just looked at me as if I was some stranger and left." He adds, stepping back. "How— how would you feel if Sarya someday looked at you as if you were a stranger?"

Rahul's head whipped at Ayansh, anger and disbelief swimming in his gaze. "Don't drag Sarya in this." He warned.

"How would you feel if it was Sarya in Inaaya's place, you in mine and me in yours?" He furrows his brows, challenging his brother.

"Ayansh, don't— " Rahul glares at him.

"What if Sarya— "

"Ayansh, fucking stop!" Rahul yells and pushes him back.

"Rahul!" Sarya shrieks in horror.

Ayansh yelps in pain and then laughs, pulling his knees up and resting his hands on them.

Mr and Mrs Mehra eye the scene unfolding in front of them in disbelief.

"Y'all want to know what happened right?" Rahul addresses the people present in the hall. "I'll tell y'all from the beginning."

He narrates everything. The day from years back, the desire for revenge, the planning, the execution, how everything went wrong when his disappointment of a brother fell for her and chose her above him. Sarya looked at him with hurt and he averted his gaze feeling remorseful.

Kabir kneels in front of Ayansh, making him look up at him with glassy eyes.

"She fainted in front of me." Ayansh murmured, lost and helpless. "Unconscious. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't help her, reach out to— her." His voice broke at the end and he covered his mouth with his palm.

"Ayansh?" Neha called out in a low and firm voice. "Look at me."

In a daze, he turned his head. "She looked so hurt, so broken. I did that to her, didn't I?" He said as tears fall from his eyes, leaving their streaks on his face. "She walked through right beside me and didn't even look at me. Pretended as if— as if I didn't exist. As if I never did." He gasped for air as another sob raked his body.

"How could you do that to her?" Neha murmured, her own eyes welling up. "How?"

"I'm— I'm sorry." He swallows and looks down.

Neha presses a palm to her forehead and stares up at the ceiling. "I used to think," she began and paused to take a deep breath. "I used to think she would break your heart oneday. Never thought you would be the one doing that to her." She shakes her head as a single tear rolls down her face.

Ayansh turns his head to look at Kabir but his heart sinks when his friend looks away, refusing to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry." He whispers feebly.

Sarya comes near him and crouches down. "Ayansh," she calls out gently and holds both his arms. "Get up and go to your room."

Ayansh stares up at her in bewilderment.

"Get up." She coaxes him and tugs at his arm. "Go." She orders in a soft voice.

Ayansh sniffs and stands up on his feet, letting himself be escorted till the stairs by her.

He reaches his room and slumps against the door. Hastily, his hand goes to his pocket in search of his phone and he pulls it out. Disappointment fills him to find no response from her. His lips were parched and his throat was dry. He got up to fetch himself a glass of water.

After that, he moved towards his cupboard and carefully removed the photo frame she had gifted him. An involuntary smile curves on his lips while looking at the memories they had created being spread like paint on canvas.

"I'm so sorry, Inaaya." He murmured as another tear slips from the brim of his eye and falls on the glass.

He had waited outside her house after she had fell unconscious. He never knew he was capable of feeling so much pain until he felt it, capable of feeling so much love until he fell in it. He struggled to get one glance of her, to make sure she's fine but the guards restrained him. He was there when the doctor arrived and Kartik came outside to receive him. He scrambled towards the doctor only to be stopped by Kartik. Kartik ushered the doctor to go in as he dealt with Ayansh. Ayansh begged, hands folded to let him know if Inaaya was okay. Kartik trashed him with words and even shoved him on the ground, on the dirt and he took everything without any complain for he knew he deserved them.

Asking for just one thing in return, the update on her health. He stubbornly told Kartik that he won't leave until he makes sure Inaaya is okay and reluctantly, Kartik agreed to inform him when the doctor leaves.

"I'm so sorry to put you through this." He whimpers, his fingers tracing a smile on her lips. The lips he had the honour to kiss, the same lips that would curve into the most beautiful smile at his cheesiest of lines, the same lips who uttered the kindest things he had ever heard, the same lips that quivered in heartache today, the same lips that uttered the words that broke everything between them. He coddles the frame to his chest and sighs deeply.

Ayansh places the frame on the bed and sits on the floor, leaning against the footboard. Sending a series of messages to Inaaya again, he drops his head on the frame and drips into a world where they're still together.

🥀

Inaaya stayed in bed for the next couple of days. Being in the shower for so long had further ruined her health but she couldn't bring herself to care much. Breathing, staying alive was proving to be a mammoth task. She had her friends visit her, behaving as if things were the same, the usual and not like her entire life had fallen apart. She didn't have any update on Ayansh, didn't even want any.

Kartik made sure to change her number the very next day and Inaaya was grateful to have something that didn't remind her of him. She still had his pictures, the memories, the smiles, the blushes but atleast she had stopped receiving notifications from him.

Studying for exams kept her busy and her mind off from everything that hurt her for the most time. In the day, she felt she was getting better but the night was a time of painful realisations and bitter truth. She would cry herself to sleep, clutching her pillow to her chest, wondering what did she do to deserve this.

Inaaya put on her denim jacket and paused when a memory of him and library flooded her mind. She shook her head and proceeded further to put on her eyeliner and the button earrings. She still looked pale but atleast she didn't look like a living corpse. Tying her hair in a half ponytail, she put on her wrist watch. It was her third exam and she hoped it would go well just like the first two.

"Bhai, let's go." Inaaya says when she reaches downstairs.

"Have these sandwiches in the car." Anita gives her the tiffin box and wishes her luck.

Inaaya blinks and smiles and gives her a hug.

"I'm done." Kartik stands up, emptying the orange juice in one large gulp and they make their way out.

Kartik told her that he would drop her at college and Alisha assured him that she would drop her home. Nobody wanted her to face Ayansh even coincidentally. Inaaya didn't protest. She too didn't know how would she handle herself if she faced him again.

Inaaya completed her paper before time, almost twenty minutes early. She slids her backpack around her shoulders and walks out of the class. The corridor was empty and eerily silent. It was the same corridor where she had walked with Ayansh when he had paint on his shirt due to her. Her eyes drag themselves to the end where it was the boy's washroom. She remembered her staring at him as he washed the stain. Her eyes sting and she bites her lip and turns around. A heavy, unsettling feeling unfurling in her stomach makes her feel nauseous. She walks away till she reaches the exit of the college.

Every fucking thing somehow had a way of ending up to him. Every fucking second she regrets the moment she decided to not leave for Cambridge. She heaves a shaky breath when she walks out of the gate and let's her shoulders drop. She looked around towards the college, so familiar and so nostalgic. The vast empty expanse spread out in front of her, the same path where she had had rushed with her lehanga bunched up in her hand to reach up to him and he stood exactly in the same place where she's standing now, turning around to look at her as if he could simply sense her presence near him. Oh, the mirages of something as beautiful as love.

Her heart hammers in her chest suddenly, her hands tremble and she could feel her blood going cold. As if hit by a deja vu, she spuns around only to find his eyes looking at her from across the road. The same eyes that she seeked in times of sorrow and happiness, in laughter and cries, in love and pain. The same eyes which seemed so distant and foreign. The same eyes which once filled her with assurance were now muddling her with doubts. She knew she was losing herself again. She knew a traitor of a tear had slipped from the corner of her eyes and trailed down her cheek. She knew she should simply dart her gaze away and leave, pretend as if he was a stranger.

But she couldn't. She couldn't do any of it. She stares at him longingly, hoping foolishly that he would come to her, maybe hold her or say something. She didn't know why was she even expecting. She pleads silently through her eyes while he looks at her with conflict swirling in his gaze. A heartbeat passes between them, the wave of hope starts simmering down and then it crashes completely when he turns straight and walks away. Her hand flies to her mouth as a gasp leaves her lips.

He left just like that, without any thought, making her realise once again that she was a fool to have fallen for his words and believe he would chase her if she ever left him as he had said.

Inaaya locks herself in her room when she reaches home. Nobody knows she saw Ayansh in the evening. She lies on her bed, legs dangling from her edge, eyes fixated on the ceiling, mind blank of all thoughts. She had dinner in her room. After taking her meds, she opened her laptop to check her emails and her eyes widen in surprise.

—

Ayansh's Mom knocks on the door before entering his room with the plate of food.

He sighs irritatedly. "You don't have to do all this out of guilt. I'll move out of the house soon anyways." He moves back to working on his laptop.

"I don't want you to get admitted in the hospital again because of your low vitals. And— and I'm sorry." She says, her voice softening in the end.

Ayansh scoffs. "For what?"

"For treating you the way we did throughout the years."

"Don't be. I deserve to suffer anyways." He chuckles and she grimaces.

"You're being too harsh on yourself. Things will be fine." She places a hand over his and stops him from typing furiously on the keyboard.

Ayansh hesitates and blows out a breath. "I— I saw her today." He murmurs lowly. "Grandma used to talk about a miracle. She used to tell me to take care of it when I receive it." His eyes moisten and his mother's fingers wrap around his. "Inaaya was my miracle and I lost it."

***

● THE END ●

Is it really the end?

Well, it is actually.

But, stay tuned to know more.

And y'all better vote and comment on this chapter!

A question. For whom do you feel more bad? I kinda felt more for Ayansh while writing this chapter which was quite surprising.

• Thank you for reading •