Chapter 16 (Sadie)

After breakfast, my dad and I decided to drive out to the lake and get an ice cream, just in case we weren't already overdosing on sugar. It was nice spending time with him, but suddenly I felt sorry for Connor. Once his parents were divorced, he wouldn't be able to have moments like this with his dad whenever he wanted to. The anger I'd felt towards him earlier dissipated, and now all I wanted to do was hug him and tell that everything would be okay.

My mother was in her craft room when we got home, doing scrap-booking or Pinterest, or whatever hobby she was into these days. She has more Pinterest boards than anyone I know and they're all filled with useless crap, like how to remove a stain from a mohair jumper or how to make bland, gluten-free vegan pizza.

"Did you two get enough sugar?" she asked giving us a disapproving eye.

My dad smiled at her, and I remembered what he'd said about them being meant for each other. "For now," he said, teasing her. "That all depends on what kind of 'food' you plan feeding us later," he added with air quotes and a wink—My dad was cool!

My mom shook her head in mock defeat, and smiled up at my dad. For the first time ever, I noticed how cute they were together. I wondered what my mom was like when she was younger. She must have been a much cooler version of her current self for my dad to have fallen so in love with her. I guess in her own strange, special way she was rather "interesting." I did wish she criticized me less though, or was less disapproving of everything I chose to do.

"Heyyyyaaaa!" McKenzie barked as she came up just behind me, making me jump. She has an uncanny ability to appear out of nowhere, and always at the worst times.

I turned and glared at her. She had a wicked smile plastered across her face—What was she up to?

"So I see you have a guy sleeping in your bed, Sadie." She shot my mother a concerned look, adding to the drama of this no doubt well thought out moment. And she got the exact reaction she was hoping for...

My mom flew out of her seat. "What?! Who? Oh God, Sadie, you're not having s.e.x are you?" She spelt the word out, even though everyone in the room could spell, and then rubbed her temples vigorously while looking at me, as if she was trying to stop her head from exploding.

My sister stepped forward looking pleased with herself. "Relax everyone. It's just Connor."

"Oh." My mother's shoulders relaxed and she let go of her temples. I was waiting for her to accuse me of having sex with Connor, but she didn't. "Well, that's okay then."

Wait! Was I that far gone in the friendzone that even my mother knew it? That the idea that Connor and I would have sex was just so unconceivable to her. Suddenly, I wanted her to think we were up there all night getting it on.

I shoved past McKenzie, walked upstairs and, sure enough, there he was sleeping on my bed holding my pillow. I walked in and closed the door behind me, careful not to make any noise. I didn't want to wake him—He looks so beautiful. Soft light was shining through the window onto his face. I sat in my chair watching him, and, for a moment, I was overcome with the desire to crawl into bed next to him and just fall asleep. I could almost feel his arms wrapped around me and....

FUUUCCCKKK! Stop!

I couldn't afford to keep having these kinds of thoughts. So I moved over to the bed and gave him a firm punch on the arm—the arm I wanted to hang onto while I kissed him.

"Wake up, dude!"

Connor stirred and slowly opened his eyes. They looked red, as if he'd been crying.

"What's the time?" he said with an adorably sleepy voice. My heart melted onto the floor and puddled at my feet.

"Three o'clock"

"Shit." He sat up. "I've been here all day. Where've you been?"

"My dad and I went out for the day."

"Sugarfest?" he asked with a sleepy smile.

I nodded. "What are you doing here?"

"I came looking for you, I was worried when you didn't answer my messages." He glanced at my phone with a strange look. I'd left it next to my bed to charge and forgotten to take it with me. For a second he looked annoyed. Something wasn't right. Not that I was surprised. Nothing felt right at the moment between Connor and I. Everything felt very wrong.

"What's up?" I asked him.

He kept silent for a moment and then ran his hand through his hair. He always did that when he was thinking. So adorable.

"So you and Jarrod, hey?" he finally said after a long, hair stroking silence.

"What?" That was the last thing I was expecting to come out of his mouth. Why did he even care?

"Jarrod. You know... what's up with him? You guys....? Are you...?" he stumbled over his words as if he was tongue tied.

"We're friends," I said quickly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable by this conversation.

"Doesn't seem like it," he said, shooting a sideways glance at my phone.

"Hey." I picked up my phone up and shoved it into my pocket. "Have you been looking at my phone?"

"The message was splashed across the screen; I couldn't help it." Now he sounded defensive, bordering on angry, and I didn't know what to make of his attitude. An uncomfortable silence crept into the room. We stared at each other and I could feel something changing between us, and not for the better. There seemed to be an undercurrent of something that had never been there before.

Connor finally broke the awkward silence. "We're moving house."

"What?"

"My mom just told me that we have to sell it as part of the divorce. They bought it together." Connor swung his legs onto the floor and sat up. "That's why I came over."

"Wait, you're moving? Like you mean... house moving?"

Connor hung his head and nodded. "Apparently so."

It felt like someone had just driven a stake through my already fragile heart, and stolen my breath. "When?" I managed to whisper.

"My mom says we don't have to move for a while, but still...I don't want to move."

A dark cloud descended on both of us. The light that had been coming in through the window now seemed to lose its brightness and color. A storm was coming; I could feel it.

I flopped down on the bed next to Connor, and he lay back down beside me, our shoulders touching. Even though we were touching each other, he felt so far away from me. There was some kind of a distance growing between us, and it frightened me.

"I... I... " I stuttered. I honestly didn't know what to say.

"I know," he said softly, almost a whisper.

"This is turning out to be one of the worst weeks of my life," he finally said. "My parents are getting divorced, my dad just left, my mother is falling apart, and now I'm moving. And to top it off, I still can't find the girl that kissed me like that. She was the one thing I was counting on to make this week feel a bit better. "

My heart quickened at the mention of the kiss, but I also couldn't believe he was lumping that in with his parents getting divorced. He was acting as if it was the end of the world that he couldn't find her.

"Plus, you're dumping me for Jarrod." His voice had a slight acidic edge to it.

"I'm not dumping you for anyone."

"Well, it seems like you're going to be hanging out with him now..."

"I'm not going to be hanging out with him."

"Really?" He propped his body up on his elbow and turned to face me.

"No," I said softly, looking up at him. He was so close to me now. And he was staring at me. I melted. I wanted to pull him to me and hold him. I craved his closeness. I'd had a taste of it once, that kiss, and it had been cruelly ripped away from me. I just wanted to be, his. Even if it was only for a few moments. Like I had been for those brief seconds in the dark.

**

After Connor left that night, I had this sensation in the pit of my stomach that made me feel like I was falling. Falling further and further away from Connor, falling into a black hole from which there was no return. I could feel him slipping out of my fingers, and I was worried that he was going to slip so far away, so fast, that I would never have another moment with him again. He was moving house, and something was changing between us and I didn't want it to. I wanted to hold onto the old us so badly that it physically hurt. I wanted to reach out to him and pull him back towards me; but how? I craved the warm, closeness that we'd once shared, that for some reason now felt cold and distinct. I craved being open and honest with him. My feelings of love for Connor rose up in my throat again and blocked it. The feelings for him were so physical that they had the power to stop my breath, chock me and strangle the words that came out of my mouth. I just had to, had to, somehow, tell him how I felt about him, or else I was sure I was going to suffocate.

I needed to, desperately; but how?

And then a thought came to me, at first I wasn't even conscious of it. It was only an echo of a thought, just barely audible. But the longer I sat there quietly, trying to silence all the other messy thoughts in my brain and focus on that small echo, the louder it became. It turned into a whisper, and then, after a while, it was at normal volume, but before long, it started screaming at me. Loud and high-pitched and incessant. And the scream didn't stop, not for a second, not until I put my fingers to my keyboard and started typing.

I signed out of my gmail account with trembling fingers, and then made a new account. The whole time I was doing it, I didn't quite feel in control. It felt like something else was making me do it...but I didn't fight it either. And when I was done, I started at what I had written on the screen and gasped...

yourmysterymintkisser at gmail.com

What the hell had I just done? And what the hell was I going to do next?