Chapter 8-The Guilt

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Chapter 8-The Guilt

Brendon Kingston's POV

Guilt.

Self hatred.

Contempt.

These were terms I hardly could use to describe myself. In fact, I would use words that were more demeaning and worse.

Looking down at my hands, self loathing filled my entire being and I shut my eyes and leaned back against the chair I was sitting on. I was a fool. A bloody fool who knew only how to destroy.

Her face full of hurt and sorrow flashed through my mind and the ache in the pit of my stomach intensified. I never intended to hurt her. But I did. And I couldn't turn back the clock even though I wanted to. It was too late.

Looking at the bruises on her neck, all I could feel was anger. Anger and rage at myself for messing things up between us. The moment I first saw her, I was entranced. Not because of her beauty but because of the fire and passion in her.

Standing up against someone who was obviously going to win, I admired that. She was everything that I wasn't. I for sure was definitely on the list to rot in the deepest pit in hell. There wasn't a doubt about that. But Sydney was full of hopes and dreams and I had snatched and destroyed them all in front of her.

Now that she was mine, all I got was ice and coolness. And I made it worse by hurting her instead of trying to win her over. What kind of chosen was I? A fucking terrible one. Looking at her yesterday during the welcome party, she was breathtakingly beautiful and I wanted to tell her that, but I didn't know how to especially after the way I hurt her.

All I could manage was a mere 'you look beautiful' and that was that. I had wanted to carress her cheek, look into those blue eyes of hers and murmur to her softly that I thought she was beautiful.

I knew it was going to take more than gifts and compliments to show that I was sorry and that I deserved to even breathe the same air as her. And I knew I didn't.

I had to show her that I was worthy of her, that I deserved her. There was a time that I was such a person, but that part of me had died when my mother had passed and my father had changed. Now, I was cold, ruthless and merciless.

Not the ideal chosen for anyone. I thought darkly and scowled broodingly out of my study window. But I had hoped that Sydney would like the items I had gotten her. And she did. I had seen a glimpse of happiness flash through her eyes as she caught sight of the art materials I had given her.

I never meant to hurt her. But each time that she mentioned that she would reject this pack and me, I would feel dejected. I knew I was a terrible person and the wolf part of me hated rejection. You could say that it was the darker side of me.

It longed for something other than hate and I got that a lot. It didn't help when she would keep bringing up her chosen. I didn't like being second but the wolf hated it. Resented it. It saw it as rejection and each time that Sydney did reject me, frustration would start before the rage.

And because of the wolf hating rejection, sometimes he would take over and when I was back in control, I realised that I had hurt her-Sydney.

And remorse would fill the pit of my stomach especially two days ago when I had pushed her against the railing and she had gotten hurt. I wasn't even aware of that happening until the wolf part of me had released control back to me.

And each time that I've hurt her, I could feel the wolf regretting each action. And to punish myself further, I had never blocked Sydney's emotions out. I wanted to make sure that I felt all the pain, the hurt, the sorrow and the anger that she was feeling.

I wanted to apologise, but each time when I wanted to, my tongue felt like it had been cut off and also, I didn't know how. I wasn't one to apologise and how could I when it wasn't me that hurt her but the wolf part of me that did? It was a bloody contradiction.

I'm sorry I hurt you, I never had any intention to, it wasn't me but the wolf in me.

What would I even say to that? Especially Sydney? How would she react to that? Probably hit me and I would welcome the pain but that action would most probably provoke the wolf.

Suddenly, the door to my study opened and Cara demanded. "How could you Brendon? How could you?!"

I shot her a dark glance before turning back to my glass of scotch. "What?" I knew what she was referring to but I didn't do talking about my actions to others.

"Sydney. How could you? I know you forced her to be your chosen. Why? I also saw the bruises on her! How could you?!" Cara exclaimed frostily.

I turned towards her and snarled, the wolf in me saw this as a challenge and thirsted for blood. I forced it down, Cara was my only family. And I refused to let the wolf hurt anyone else.

"Drop the tone." I gritted out and Cara glanced away immediately. "How could you hurt her Brendon?" She asked quietly and once again, guilt stabbed at me with a sharp dagger.

"It is none of your business Cara. Leave." I said forcefully and Cara shook her head as she gave me a look. A look full of disappointment and hurt.

"I'm your sister Brendon. Albeit only half but are you really going to shut me out? Sydney is my friend too and I can't just stand by and watch you hurt her." Cara said softly as she looked at me sadly.

Christ, I really had a one-way ticket to that pit in hell. I remained silent and all I could see when I looked at Cara was the small infant that was shoved into my hands when I was ten by the woman who gave birth to her before she disappeared.

Cara shrugged casually as if my silence didn't hurt her but I could see glimpses of unshed tears in her green eyes. "Fine. Be that way." She spoke out casually and turned to leave but I knew that she was deeply hurt by my refusal to let her in.

"She made the demons go away."

Cara stopped at the doorway and turned towards me at my response. "Oh."

Cara looked like she wanted to say something but held it back and instead made her way to the chairs in front of my desk.

"It was something about her that drew me in. And I guess the wolf felt the same way because I wanted her and it had been submissive ever since she lashed out at me that night."

Cara's eyes grew round. She knew that the wolf was never submissive to anyone. Not even family. Thus, I had to restrain it with utmost concentration. But with Sydney, it seemed as if the wolf wanted to please her and that very night, it retreated to the back of my mind instead of always being on the verge of taking over.

All werewolves had a wolf side of them. Some were tame and easy to handle while there were some like mine. It didn't help that I had a temper and with the wolf's more intense emotions, I was a volcano, ready to erupt any moment.

And whenever Sydney talked of leaving, the wolf would lash out. And she would be the one receiving the other end of the stick even though we didn't mean to hurt her.

I turned away from Cara's scrutinising gaze and she spoke softly. "Brendon, if you really want her, you have to start winning her over. Not hurt her. Hurting her will only push you further away from her."

I turned and eyed her, "I know. I never meant to."

Cara's gaze softened and she looked like she wanted to say something but held it back. "Spit it out Cara." I said as I watched her mouth open and close several times.

"Why her? I mean why Sydney?"

That made me stop, why did I seem so drawn to her? Something about her reminded me of something when I was younger. It seemed as if there was an air of familiarity about her. And she seemed like...home.

I remained silent, not wanting to discuss my thoughts about why I was so drawn to Sydney to anyone. Cara took the hint and sighed heavily before getting up to her feet.

"If you want her love and respect, you have to earn it." With that, she closed the door softly and was gone.

***

I knocked on the door and opened it to see Sydney working on the canvas furiously. And the moment I stepped into the room, I could her shoulders tense up and her body posture was stiff and rigid.

Sydney turned and looked at me warily as she stopped painting away at the canvas and all the emotions on her face disappeared and she stared at me blankly.

I could feel the wolf howling at the sight of her. She was beautiful and she had that seemingly innocent feel about her. Her blonde hair was stuffed into a bun and some splotches of paint was smeared on her face. But I thought she was breathtaking.

I wanted to take her into my arms and kiss her and caress her paint smeared cheeks. But I knew I couldn't. My mind raced through things to say but nothing could come to mind. My eyes wandered over to the canvas where she had been painting on and I could see the dark coloured canvas where haunting strokes of grey and black were splattered across it.

"I didn't know you were that good." I offered quietly and Sydney watched me cautiously. She didn't say anything but I could sense the turmoil in her.

I knew she was wary of me, that I would hurt her again. And I knew I would do my best to restrain my wolf and my temper. I didn't want Sydney's fear, I wanted her love and acceptance.

Looking at the canvas, I could see that she was pouring her heart and soul into the painting from the angry strokes of the brush and the dull and haunting colours it.

"Have you had a tour of the pack lands?" I questioned lamely and Sydney eyed me for a moment before nodding. "Yes. Cara showed me around this morning."

"Good. Come, I have something for you." I said roughly and turned to leave the room. I could feel Sydney scrutinising me warily as she went towards me.

I was a little glad that she was coming with me without any of my harsh commands but I guessed she thought that I would punish her if she didn't.

We continued walking down the hallway when we stopped in front of a room that had a letter 'S' painted on the front. I turned to see Sydney watching me cautiously and glanced at the door before looking back at me.

"Open it."

At my request, Sydney pushed the door opened hesitantly and stared amazed at the large airy room with a balcony. The room had shelves and boxes of art supplies. Easels and art materials and equipment filled the room. It was literally an artist's dream.

Sydney was silent as she entered the room and I caught sight of her hands curling as if she was trying to prevent them from touching anything to everything in the room.

I watched enthralled as she stepped out onto the balcony and the wind breezed through her hair. I was contented with just watching her like that.

Suddenly she turned around and looked at me with an expression on her face which was full of disgust and contempt. Immediately, my heart sank at that.

"Is this to ease your conscience?" She demanded.

I just looked at her passively, hiding my true feeling inside. I knew what she was really referring to. About trying to ease the guilt of hurting her in me by buying her off with gifts. "No, I just want you to be happy here." I answered.

Sydney scoffed and looked around the room. "Why would you care if I'm happy or not? I'm stuck here and if you think that buying me gifts like these would make me even like you or accept my fate here, you're wrong. Dead wrong."

I remained silent as she glared at me and I opened my mouth and responded roughly, "They are here to make you happy, and are to compensate for my ill treatment of you. And I hope that you would accept it." I said quietly and Sydney scoffed.

"Why do you even care? You didn't seem to care much when you slammed me against the railings the other night." She said scornfully but I could detect a hint of hurt in her voice.

Inwardly, I winced and the wolf was now pacing agitatedly in my head. It felt that it was being challenged. I had to leave now before I hurt her again. "No matter what you choose to believe, I do care Sydney." I said softly and with that, I turned on my heel and left.

***

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the late update. The good news is, I've finally finished my tests! Which means more faster update for you guys!  Yay! Anyway, thanks for being so patient and I hope that this chapter of Brendon's POV makes up for it. Do tell me what you think and comment and vote! Please? Ahahah thanks for reading!