CH 6.1

The doctor treated John by giving him unknown contraceptive drugs. After resting for a few days in the nearby mansion, John boarded a private jet with a bag full of inhibitors when he had recovered. Everything happened, surprisingly, very quickly. The situation he was in had changed so fast, that John laughed uncontrollably.

So it was this easy, changing everything.

As if she couldn’t face John, Grace walked away with a tearful face, and Ryan couldn’t see John off, as he had to cope with Valentine.

Everyone tried to hide John, but it seemed that Valentine was keen on finding him, putting everything else aside. Anyway, all of this had nothing to do with John. It felt strange, the fact that John felt numb even when he heard Valentine’s name.

Due to such circumstances, it was only Carter, who brought him to this house for the first time, who saw John off. In front of the mansion near San Francisco, the two remained silent for a long time facing each other. As if not knowing what to say, Carter frowned.

“Did you really have to leave, and go all the way to America?”

“…”

“Well, it’s not that I don’t understand why you want to stay away from the house, but still… I have always tried to make your stay here as comfortable as possible, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“…I’m thankful to you until the end, Carter.”

At John’s dry farewell, Carter let out a heavy sigh. His expression collapsed when he saw how hurt John was the few days before.

“It was me who brought you here first, and I will be the one to see you off.”

“…”

“I cared a lot about you. I was proud of you. I loved you, but now… I regret it all.”

Carter reached out carefully and cupped his hands around John’s cheeks. John hesitated, but didn’t avoid him. Warm fingers gently touched the bloody lips. As always, affectionate eyes gently scanned John’s face.

“If I had known the time we had spent together was this short, I would have taken better care of you.”

“…”

“I know that I don’t feel happy about your situation. It doesn’t need to be said, but it hurts. A lot.”

The words brought tears to John’s eyes. Trying not to fall into despair, John bowed his head, somehow trying to hold back his tears. The tears were sticking out and blurred his eyes as he saw an envelope.

“Take it, John. I’m sure you’ll be able to get through for at least a few years with this.”

John pushed the envelope back, his eyes, shining and red, as he spitted out.

“…I’m sorry, but Carter, anything that comes out of that house… I don’t want it.”

“Don’t you already know that’s impossible? You have to take whatever this house gives you, because reality is always crueler than you might think.”

“…”

“And I’m taking care of this on my own. It has nothing to do with them, so take it.”

Carter, stubbornly, took away John’s bag and threw in the envelope. After putting the bag back on John’s shoulders, Carter felt around in his pocket and handed over a business card.

“This is my number, which only Mr. Lindbergh knows. Call me anytime if you need help. I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“…Thank you.”

It wasn’t until he saw the business card in his hand, that John realized that he was alone from now on. John felt like he had a hole in his heart, like his whole body was being swallowed up by the darkness. Carter was just standing there, as if he couldn’t take a step further.

The two were just standing for a long time, and it was John who turned his back first. Turning the metal handle of the door revealed inside a clean and spacious interior. John, after he closed the front door, collapsed with his back against the door. He just sat there, leaning his head against his knees and motionlessly sat there, as if he were dead. He heard the sound of the engine, which he had not heard for a long time.

It was only after a long time had passed, did John get up from his seat. Walking to the window, he looked at the sky coming from the east. The blue dawn came from the edge of the sky. The sky of his hometown, where he returned to after a few years, was strange. As if he had never seen it before.

“…”

Anyway, time goes by and people keep living.

I’m alive…That’s why, I’ll be fine.

Trying to comfort himself, John closed his eyes. The breeze swept gently over his forehead.

***

The sensual beat of the song was mixed into the weekend’s night air.

Located on the rooftop of the R Tower on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, there was the club Lillyn. As a representative lounge club in Manhattan, on Friday night, the club was crowded with people inside and outdoors. In the center of the outside lounge, there was a wide and luxurious pink pool, where a group of 20-year-old female Omegas occupied the VIP area as they ordered a few bottles of champagne. Their eyes were fixed on the bartender, John, in unison.

“Melissa, when will you go talk to him? We’re going to stay here all night if you don’t do anything.”

The short-haired woman said, feeling bored as she rolled the mint leaf she had in her mouth. Then, as if tired of waiting, the woman was pressured by all of her friends to do it fast.

“It’s already been an hour.”

“Melissa, if you don’t think you can do it, do you want me to go for you?”

“What on earth are you scared of?”

“Can you all be quiet, please?”

The pale blonde woman, with flamboyant features looked nervous, although that was overshadowed by her arrogant appearance. In the end, she couldn’t stand her friend’s nagging and reluctantly stood up.

“Alright, I got it. I’ll go… Now.”

Melissa walked toward the bartender, leaving behind the cheers of her “good” friends. Her heart staggered along the thumping beat.

Two months ago, Melissa visited the club for the first time and fell in love with the unknown bartender. The bartender seemed to be a Beta and didn’t look rich, but he was exactly Melissa’s type. To the extent that she didn’t care about his lack of money at all.

He left such a cold impression on her that it was hard to put it in words, but when he laughed, the atmosphere evaporated and he became like an innocent young boy. Such a trivial thing caught her eye, and when she came back to her senses, Melissa had fallen in love with him.

Since then, Melissa came to this place every weekend, but she never had the courage to talk to him. All of her friends, who couldn’t stand her sighing as if she were still a teenager, had come to Lillyn together.

“If I had known they would have been like this, I wouldn’t have told them.”

Even if she regretted it, the milk was already spilled. Melissa, who arrived in front of the bar, let out a short breath.

The bartender was lightly shaking the cocktail shaker. Every time he moved, the black shirt around his body tightened. He had such a fucking sexy back. On his smooth back, where no excess flesh could be found, the Chinese characters 逆鱗 (king’s wrath) was embroidered in an intense and powerful way. The hanja, which could seem old-fashioned in a way, looked very good on him.

Once again, Melissa took a deep breath and looked at him, as she sat on the stool at the bar. Just in time, the man finished the cocktail and gave it to the server, approaching her with an attractive smile.

“What would you like?”

“…Bourbon, please. Double, on the rocks.”

The bartender gazed at Melissa with glaring eyes and frowned gently.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Excuse me?”

“It looks like you have been drinking a lot. Will you be fine if you drink more?”

As the man had been watching her, her fast-paced heart almost burst for a moment. Melissa shook her head in haste, unable to control her red cheeks.

“I’m still okay.”

“If that’s the case.”

“I’m going to drink it here.”

Shrugging his shoulders, the bartender gave Melissa the whiskey. She gulped down a sip of alcohol. The whiskey smoothly went down, raising her body temperature, making it feel as if it were fire. At the same time, she felt an impetuous amount of courage spring up, accompanied by a faint dizziness. For her, there was only Melissa and the bartender there.

“The… The cocktail you made is the best I have ever drank.”

“Thank you. That’s the best compliment.”

The bartender smiled nicely at her, his eyes were squinted. From his relaxed attitude, this didn’t seem to have happened once or twice. Even though her courage disappeared a little by the fact, Melissa didn’t give up.

“How long have you been working here?”

“Not that long, about a year.”

“I see. I’m Melissa.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ethan.”

How can even his voice sound so nice? Melissa opened her eyes, feeling admiration inside. She was feeling a little confident, since the conversation was going more smoothly than she originally thought.

“Ethan, when did you get here?”

“Don’t know. How about you?”

“I’m here because of college, so about two years.”

“You must have lived in London before that.”

“That’s right. My parents were in the U.S, but I lived in Chelsea all the way through college until I graduated. You’re from England, right?”

At Melissa’s words, the man slightly smiled instead of answering. The smile, his eyes that were squinted along with the thin lips that were loosely asymmetrical, was both cynical and attractive. The man, who remained silent as if he were trying to choose the right words, nodded as he wiped his wet hands.

“Well… That’s right.”

Melissa thought it was time to muster all of her courage, since Ethan had been smoothly answering all of her questions. Taking a deep breath, she slowly opened her mouth.

“The truth is, I want to know more about you.”

“About me?”

“Yeah. I want to get to know you better… Can you give me your number?”

She wanted to speak lightly, pretending to be fine, but her voice trembled. Melissa stared at the man in a desperate mood, like a prisoner waiting for his sentence. At that moment, the man with his round eyes twisted his mouth, as if he felt troubled.

Whenever a bad premonition would occur, Melissa always had a nagging feeling. This time, there did not seem to be an exception to the rule. The man looked around and leaned close to her.

“I’m sorry if I led you on and created a misunderstanding…”

“Pardon?”

“I’m a married man.”

It was a swift rejection, cutting off something that hasn’t even started. Caught off guard, Melissa was momentarily speechless and blinked. It felt like there was a hint of hope and was quickly dashed, resulting in a broken heart.

“Liar! You don’t wear a ring.”

When Melissa, who came to her senses, responded as if she was screaming, the man furrowed his brow and responded.

“I can’t wear it when working, it’s the policy.”

“But… No matter how old you look, you don’t look that old to be married.”

“About that, stuff happened in high school. I already have two kids.”

“No way.”

Melissa shook her head, feeling the shame creeping up. What should I say when my friends are looking towards us, with their eyes shining with excitement? Feeling a little miserable, Melissa clenched her lips. After two months of excitement and anxiety, she felt like a fool. The man offered words of consolation, but there wasn’t any kindness to them.

“I’m sorry. This happens a lot, so I thought I had better get it out quickly.”

“…You’re very smart.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

In front of the sullen Melissa, the bartender handed over a glass of lemon juice that she had never ordered.

“But come over often. Even if I don’t know anything else, I can make you a nice cocktail.”

The bartender’s green eyes glistened playfully as he laughed. Just in time, the wind blew by and distracted her. Looking at the bartender smiling like a young boy in front of her, with the dark blue night sky and sparkling lights acting as a backdrop, Melissa was once again hypnotized. Coming to her senses, she mumbled helplessly with the straw in her mouth.

“I was actually here to ask you out today. What do I even say to my friends…”

“Well, even if it’s not me, I think there is a line of guys who will want to go on a date with you.”

Melissa muttered, halfway resigned.

“If that doesn’t work, can I come over and talk to you sometimes?”

“Anytime.”

The bartender nodded with a fresh smile. He must have been older than her, but he was a man who felt like a breath of fresh air every time he laughed. How old would he be? He won’t tell me his age when he drew a line like this. No, he’s a married man for now.

Melissa sighed inside once again.

It’s against the rules to be a married man and smile like that…

* * *

“Grant, I’ll get going.”

“Sure, Ethan. Good job today, too.”

When the dim dawn came, John left the building tapping on his tired shoulders. After stopping by a 24-hour fast food restaurant where he often went to buy sandwiches, he got in an old used Ford.

New York, which was always noisy, was now holding its breath in the dark dawn. As he slightly lowered the window, fresh air entered the car, as if it had been waiting. John, putting a cigarette to his mouth, increased his speed as he drove along the road.

As he entered the Queensboro Bridge, he had a cool view of the beautiful East River. White clouds were floating all over the place, as if they were cotton balls placed against the backdrop of the dark blue sky. There were buildings standing tall along the river, shining brightly against the cobalt blue.

About thirty minutes later, John arrived at an old apartment outside Queens. Since there was no separate parking lot, John parked the Ford in an appropriate place and went into the building.

The first thing John did, when he entered the apartment, was to roll the blinds. Elaine, his roommate, seemed to be staying out tonight again. John left the sandwich he bought in the refrigerator and headed to the rooftop.

In winter, it was bone chilling cold, and in the summer, it was so hot that he felt like he was in South America, but John liked the fact that he could freely use the rooftop. The rooftop was in poor condition due to the poor management, but it had a pretty good view.

“Haah.”

Lying on the old sofa, John placed his arms under his head, getting in a comfortable position. The sofa was damp, but it wasn’t really bothering him.

Over the breathless city, the dawn spread endlessly through the sky, being completely bright soon. The vast sky and the cool wind passed through the tip of his nose, everything was perfect. John didn’t resist the sleepiness, becoming more and more drowsy as he relaxed.

Time was fair to everyone, and that was the same for John.

At one time, it was so painful that John felt that he would rather die than continue living. Where did all of the emotions, which he had been pushing to their limits, go?

“…”

The sound of the police car’s siren ringing loudly and moving away vaguely echoed in John’s ears. He also heard the tenant of the opposite building get up, or the Jamaican music with strong beats flowing through an open window. From somewhere, the sound of a loud fight in Chinese was mixed into the music.

No matter how one looked at it, they were all unpleasant noises, but to John it was like a familiar lullaby. John calmly closed his eyes, moving his hands over his stomach, focusing on the breeze he felt at the tip of his nose. He felt the sunlight penetrating through his thin eyelids.

A peaceful morning was beginning as usual.

* * *

Shortly after arriving in the United States, John’s life was literally like a living hell.

It was a rough process, in which his heart broke repeatedly.

For Johan, that Prom had been like a natural disaster that he had never expected. Suddenly presenting as an Omega was already hard enough to handle, but then the series of events that happened next were enough to completely destroy John’s life.

As soon as he was left alone, a terrible hallucination and nightmare struck John as if it had been waiting. Unable to sleep properly, his troubled soul was quickly dragged into the abyss. John suffered from an intense hatred that consumed him, which bursted into an unclear resentment, and repeatedly collapsed in breathtaking despair. The wound was so deep that even a specialist’s treatment wasn’t very helpful to John.

Feeling so lethargic that it was hard to even lift a finger, John thought.

Am I going to keep living like this?

Alone, slowly dying here…

‘John, how are you feeling today?’

It was the old Omega doctor who was in charge of John. She visited John every week, she was always neat and tidy. As the days went by, she gave him a benevolent, but robotic smile.

‘Are you not in the mood to talk today again? You don’t have to try, but I want to talk about something very trivial. If it’s okay with you, I want to discuss how you can share your pain, and how to get out of it by working together…’

‘The pain I feel?’

‘Yes, John.’

‘Haaa… I… They’re all disgusting, Alpha, Omega and whatnot. Ryan and Valentine… I think I’ll just be okay if they die. Can you help me? Everything is crazy. I’m going crazy because of pheromones.’

‘John, I understand how you feel now.’

‘Doctor, tell me. You’re an Omega. Don’t you think you’ll be raped someday?’

In his first few months, John felt extremely terrified just by being in the same space with an Alpha. Unfortunately, John had to deal with having an irregular heat cycle as he was a Recessive Omega. This meant that an unexpected heat cycle could occur at any time if he did not take the medicine every day. Normal daily life wouldn’t have been possible without it.

After enduring all kinds of terrible fantasies and barely falling asleep, Dominic appeared in his dream. He soon changed to Valentine, then to Ryan and Grace, who criticized him, one after another. They opened their bloodshot eyes and spat out criticisms which were as sharp as a knife, tearing apart John’s heart.

‘You twisted Valentine!’

‘Did he knot you?’

‘Let’s start with a contraception.’

‘Don’t tell anyone about this.’

‘Leave this place’.

‘Don’t come back.’

‘Get lost!’

Far from reality, the grotesque criticism was another face of guilt and shame lurking inside John. When John, who was driven to the limit, woke up suddenly, his eyes were wet as always.

How could Ryan… Have left me so easily?

Ryan had never wanted to do it, and John was also his son. John had believed so, but now that he thought about it, maybe John was the only one who was truly absorbed into the family play.

What was he like in that house?

John couldn’t answer that question.

But as time went by, John’s anger towards them gradually began to lose power. It was because John also realized that he had left them in an unfair position.

What happened during Prom wasn’t because of John’s will. Even so, it was undeniable that John had an abnormal attachment to Valentine. It would have been unacceptable for him to even have such feelings for his half-brother.

‘So I… I’m just a sinner to them after all.’

Trying to think that way, John buried his unstoppable anger deep inside his heart because he wouldn’t stand it anymore if he didn’t do it that way.

Ryan didn’t visit John in person, but he carefully took care of John by sending him an agent. It didn’t matter if it was surveillance under the guise of protection. John just waited for the right time to come: the date of full repayment of the debt that could completely end their relationship, which had been forcibly tied. It was unclear when the time would come, but John silently endured the given time.

This way, it was John who managed to patch his broken self together through defensive justification for Ryan, but John just couldn’t do it for Valentine. Until then, John’s small world was filled with him.

Valentine was no different from John. He was a brother, best friend, and the person John loved the most in the world.

When Valentine was by his side, John turned away from his heart and hoped all of this confusion would disappear. Only now, when everything was broken beyond control, did John finally admit his feelings.

John loved Valentine. Even if it was an emotion that began with distorted dependence and lust, it couldn’t be denied that it was love. It would have been the same for Valentine.

That fact made John’s existence even more unbearable.

The fact that Valentine, who was like no one else, had pushed him into the abyss. It was because if Valentine also had a deep affection for John, like John did, that would have been impossible in the first place.

It was John, who was suspicious of Valentine. He wasn’t sure if Valentine saw him as an equal person or as a person who could only be free under his control. Valentine’s choice turned John’s distrust into conviction.

What kind of person was the real Valentine?

What about the one that was reflected in my eyes?

Maybe Valentine treated the orphan, who had nothing, as if John was his brother in front of him, and laughed at John behind his back. As if Valentine saw that John was a puppet placed in his palm. How ridiculous would Valentine have felt if he had been infinitely soft to John. The dullness of not knowing how to reject someone wasn’t even all that fun. Seeing John become swayed by this mess until the end… What type of satisfaction did Valentine want to feel?

If Valentine hadn’t stolen John’s everything like that, John would have given Valentine whatever he wanted.

However, Valentine had easily turned a blind eye to John’s desperation, and it was such a lame ending that was waiting for them.

The sense of loss, betrayal, wounds and ridicule were all mixed together, damaging John’s memory. After continuously thinking about Valentine, John gave up all his thoughts when nothing was left. Then, all of the emotions disappeared at once. Like a fountain that had dried out. It was around that time that the unstable shaking eyes were completely calm.

Thus, John put all his memories of Valentine inside a box, tightly locked them, and buried them unconsciously.

That’s how I think I can live.

***

John, who had quietly lived behind Ryan’s shadow, decided that it was the right time after living in the USA for two years.

Although he was already mentally broken, John thought he might be able to live a moderate normal life. However, as time went by, a lot of that hope had disappeared.

‘Is it not possible to just submit an application?’

‘I’m sorry, John, but your final education was at Willingham School. I can’t do anything about it because you don’t meet the minimum application requirements.’

‘But I completed the entire course at Heritage College with excellent grades. Even though I didn’t graduate, if I had a certificate of enrollment, I might be able to persuade you. I would like to talk to my father.’

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m sorry I can’t help you.’

Ryan’s agent never mentioned anything about Valentine, but John knew he was still looking for him. Otherwise, there was no reason for Ryan to control his every move like this.

John received regular psychological counseling, a good education, exercised regularly, and ate high quality food. In terms of objective facts alone, he was still a rich young man who grew up well managed. However, John didn’t have that common high school graduation certificate. He was living a life where even going out of the house, let alone have a social life, was restricted. The prison-without bars like life lasted for a full two years.

‘He wants me to do nothing.’

‘…’

‘You didn’t deny it.’

As it became clear that what Ryan wanted was to control, not protect him, John became rather calm. Ryan imposed no sanctions on the perpetrator Valentine, and the attitude of isolating the victim, John, from the world was selfish, but John didn’t care much. This was because he had already hoped and had it been crushed too many times.

In the summer of being 20 years old, John looked at himself in a mirror. He had turned paler, due to the lack of sunlight and put a faint smile on his mouth. Perhaps, because John had lived without looking at himself for a long time, his smiling face was foreign to himself.

I have done everything I could have…

For the first time, John asked Ryan for an interview. Ryan wondered about it, but he didn’t turn down John’s request. For the first time since the incident, two rich people faced each other. What flowed between the two was the coldness of facing a stranger.

It was John who broke the silence first.

‘I want to be away for a while.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You know, I haven’t been out of town for a long time.’

‘…’

‘As you may have heard from David, I’m continuing my consultation with Dr. Estella. I’m fine enough to have no problem with my daily life.’

‘But John, you need to reconsider this. It’s too early.’

‘I know what Father is worried about, I’m sure that it is what I need, to know if I’m really okay.’

Swallowing a sneer inside, John calmly waited for Ryan’s answer. Ryan didn’t say anything. He was wondering if his conscience and guilt, which he didn’t even know existed, had been touched. John spoke in a calm voice.

‘I just want to cool off. I promise I won’t cause any trouble. I can call you every day if you want.’

‘…I see. But you need to be safe, so take David with you.’

John, as he got permission from Ryan, immediately took out a business card that he had kept well, avoiding the prying eyes. It was the number Carter gave John when he had just left for the United States. Carter was Ryan’s man, but John decided to gamble on a feeble hope. John was nervous, thinking that the number might have changed, but fortunately he got through after a few rings.

‘Yes? It’s Carter Simpson.’

John was calm even after facing Ryan, but as soon as he heard Carter’s voice, he suddenly felt his throat burning. After swallowing a gulp and dry saliva, John rubbed his trembling lips.

‘…Carter, it’s me.’

‘John, is it you?’

Carter’s voice calling John’s name at once showed the same concern and affection as before. John sighed, as he rubbed the hot area around his eyes. The voice flowing through the lips one beat later wasn’t as terrible as he had feared.

‘Yes, it’s me. How have you been?’

‘I’m always the same. How are you, John?’

‘…’

‘I asked you a misleading question. Actually, I was always worried about when I would be hearing from you. On the other hand, I didn’t want that to happen. Did you change your mind?’

John bowed his head with a bitter smile. The box of emotions that he usually buried deep in his heart was about to open with a rattle. No, not now. Before he became obnoxiously emotional, John cut right to the chase.

‘I don’t want to lie, not to you. The truth is… I‘m not okay. You know, you’re the only one I can trust.’

‘John…’

‘I want to live a normal life. That’s all I want… But I don’t think it’s possible on my own, so can you help me?’

His call with Carter didn’t last long.

A month later, John left for Mexico City as scheduled. His disappearance from Centro Histórico, the old town, happened a week after the trip began.

One day, John, who disappeared from the streets during a Cinco de Mayo celebration, which was crowded with passerby, never showed up again. Ryan used all of his power to search Mexico City, but failed to find him.

Within half a year after John went missing, there were dozens of unidentified bodies that could have been John. Since the half skeletonized dead bodies gave Ryan no clues, he found it difficult to even confirm John’s survival.

About a year after his disappearance, John quietly died. The decision was made secretly in Ryan’s study, and Carter only nodded without any comment at Ryan’s instruction to take legal action.

It was a moment when both John Lindbergh’s existence and legal rights were terminated from the world.