Chapter 11: Where freedom of autonomy is encouraged

--LILLIE--

For my entire life, I hated the upper class and anyone beyond my own neighborhood. I thought them all to be greedy bastards who ruined my life amongst my community that struggled to get by on measly supplies and efforts. I thought for sure my life was miserable all this time due to higher class Masters who sought greedy endeavors against the lower class, enticing Keepers to ensue violence and control when needed. Not only was it my daily experience, but also the voices surrounding me as my parents spoke in such a way, as well as the social environment of others within my community.

So, entering into a new area and living under Historia’s roof posed new ideologies, philosophies, and a stream of different voices began to emerge. My old mentor pointed out the fact that my own parents had cast me from their home, creating fear of ever returning to my childhood home on accounts of being harmed by superstitious Tamarines who had all convinced themselves I was something to be purged.

Within the library, various people from all over the city and the four districts came and went, seeking answers, asking their questions, and never once looking upon me as if I was a monster. Even when they saw Sable, they beheld a genuine curiosity and only some aspects of apprehension, for he was a rare sight to behold.

Oh, Sable—how much guilt I still carried in my heart, yet each passing day proved less burdensome as I proudly watched Sable advance. He was one completely from another world and environment, unaccustomed to the ways of Cedrus City, yet he was seeking ways to conform and find a path for himself. Was that enough for us to settle within the city after all?

I did not know, yet my apprehension subsided when he had returned from his visit with Lord Orvin, informing me that he had officially accepted the position as the man’s personal messenger.

“A comfortable salary is provided,” Sable explained to me as he excitedly told me about his meeting. “He even asked if I wanted to live at the estate. I asked if you could come too, but, of course, I wanted to speak with you first.” I tapped the edge of the notebook I was writing in, preparing lessons for Historia while she was away, something I did most afternoons.

“I—I appreciate you considering my opinion first,” I said, and my stomach knotted at the thought of living on the sixth level. “But—don’t you think that’s a bit much all at once?”

“What?” Sable asked as he rested his hands on the surface of the table I was sitting at, and I placed the quill down while leaning back in the chair.

“First, he invites you to dinner, then offers a job, now a place to live—with him? It’s all quite sudden, don’t you think?”

“I mean—we did the same with Historia. And, I—uh, just stayed at your parents house.”

“No—I’ve known her for years and learned to gain her trust. You just met this man. And look what happened with my parents.” Sable’s wings twitched as he looked away, and the front door of the library swung open as a group of readers waved goodbye as they left. As the hanging glass clinked together with the sudden wind from the door closing, I rubbed the side of my face, feeling anxious of my mistrust for Lord Orvin, but also wondering how much was it my sense of prejudice of a man who Sable seemed a little too trusting.

“How about we just focus on getting you established with the position before we decide on anything further?” I said and Sable sighed deeply, lifting his large chest as he looked back at me. “I’m sure there is a lot to learn.”

“Yes, of course,” he replied, then crossed his arms. “I will go to the estate every morning, but I am unsure when I will return—Lord Orvin stated that the requirements may change each day according to need. But, it is not too far, and I can navigate a better way to get to his home from above, especially since he lives on the sixth level.”

“Hmm, sounds reasonable—wish I could just fly around like you.” Sable grinned, and his demeanor slightly relaxed, allowing me to feel more at ease with the newest arrangement, even if I didn’t fully trust Lord Orvin.

“So, then, we can live here for the time being as I settle into my position—maybe if I make enough money, we can buy a house.”

“Let’s get you settled first.”

“What about you? Will you return to Jadis? Learn to teach like Historia? Are you happy here?” I lowered my eyes as I gazed upon the writing lessons I was preparing for Historia, hardly able to put into words the feelings of turmoil I was hiding. Although I wanted Sable to find his place in his chosen life, the dreaded guilt of being the one to cause him so much burden lingered within my mind. Could we really make this work after all?

“Lillie,” Sable purred and he moved he hand under my chin and gently lifted, forcing me to look at him again.

“I—I don’t know exactly. I’ll probably just keep doing what I’ve been doing—helping Historia around the library. Probably attempt to find a better paying job.”

“You don’t need to worry about that. I want you to take this time for yourself.” I jerked my face away from his hand, and jolted up. As I nervously organized the papers on the table, Sable moved closer to me, placing his hand upon my lower back. “I want you to find your own way. Right now, I have an opportunity to support us, for Lord Orvin explicitly said my salary would be enough for us to live comfortably. So, why not allow this moment to be your time to devote yourself to your own self-discovery without any worries of money?”

“Because, I—I can’t put all the burden onto you,” I stuttered, feeling a choking sensation in my throat, but Sable once again gently grabbed my chin, and forced my face towards his.

“It is not a burden. No—it is an honor to allow myself to serve you in this way. You have always done this for others—let me do the same for you while you seek out the answers in which you desire. Obviously, Historia will also help us, but please, allow yourself the freedom of autonomy during this transition. Let me serve you.”

“But, what about—about—you know?”

“No.”

Sable’s crimson eyes were filled with determination as he gently stroked my chin and gripped my lower back with his hand, keeping me from escaping his gaze. Then again, the very idea of being free from all the burdens of life felt enticing in that moment. Sable had caught the attention of someone powerful and rich who appreciated his uniqueness, giving him a position suitable for his strengths, but was there any dangerous risk beyond the prejudices I had against the Masters?

Or, was I attempting to keep Sable hidden away still for selfish, but guilty reasons?

“Are—are you sure? Are you sure you want to do this?” I finally asked, and placed my hands upon his chest.

“Yes,” he replied while moving his hand down my neck. “I want you to find out more about your magical abilities. I want you to know who you are, and no longer worry about money, food, or any other type of insecurity you have always been burdened with. My love. My dearest love and greatest joy. Please. Let me take care of you.”

His deep voice lingered through the quiet library as only the swaying hanging glass clinked, and the outside world moved about in the busy afternoon. Yet, as I lowered my eyes, examining his covered chest under my hands, I felt the warmth of his body, the enticing desire to be close, and, for a moment, I allowed primitive affection to remind me what it meant to be in love.

“Well,” I said as I drifted my hand up to his smooth chin and rubbed his lower lip with my thumb. “We can take care of each other.”

“Yes,” he replied, casting warmth upon my fingers, and a shiver ran down my spine as he pulled me closer to his body.

“But—Hmm—okay—“

I couldn’t finish whatever sad excuse I attempted to make, for Sable pressed his lips onto mine, and I closed my eyes while I moved my hand behind his head and tugged at his hair along the nape of his neck. As my fingers entangled through his soft, black hair, a moan escaped my mouth as Sable’s hands drifted along my back as he pressed his body against mine.

His lips widened, and our tongues clashed, and all sense of uneasiness was swallowed by our affectionate caressing. He moaned softly, sending a shiver down my spine as our movements felt provocative, yet natural as our relationship was only progressing. For a moment, I allowed the fluttering in my heart to overwhelm my very being, and savored the flavors of love and desire from someone so devoted to my wellbeing.

Only by the sudden sound of the door swinging open was I reminded that such intoxicating moments never lasted long, something I could sense was becoming irksome for Sable as his groaning grew into growls of disappointment after his hands drifted further each time. For me, I did everything I could to avoid too much progression, even if others in my life were expecting it.

Yet, it was all new to me—freedom of autonomy and learning who I truly was.

***

I woke up the next day laying alone on the floor bed. Sable had left before the sunrise, and I noticed Historia was also not in her bed. I looked around the open house, wondering if this truly was my new life. Waking up last, and without any daily obligation? What was I to do? I felt paralyzed at the thought of having no one to force me to do anything or to bark orders by first morning light. How could I accomplish anything when there was no one who demanded anything from me? How did Sable live like this all these years?

I sat up and pushed off the blanket, deciding to go looking for Historia. I stumbled down the staircase after changing, and it was dark and empty. She had locked up the library and was nowhere to be found.

Odd—she usually keeps the library open in the mornings.

I returned up the stairs and noticed not even the fireplace had been previously lit. No trace of anyone cooking or eating could be found from that morning. Although Historia had invited us to live with her, she still lived by her own routine, did as she pleased, and only occasionally informed us of her plans, or asked for my help when applicable.

“What should I do?” I said out loud, feeling odd being left alone. Pushing aside the new emotions, I started a fire, and prepared a small breakfast for myself. I thought about my mother, who often was left alone in her house, cooking and cleaning and being miserable. Would I also come to such a fate? I thought about returning to Jadis’ shop, asking for work, but Sable’s encouragement from the day before reminded me that I had personal goals to achieve that demanded time and energy.

I need to discover more about magic.

I quickly ate a bowl of porridge, and went back down to the library. Historia and I had already begun searching through old books for clues about magic, but we had not yet found any information. I spent the entire morning in the dark, with only a single candle. The shades on the windows had been drawn, like Historia did every night, but I did not bother to lift them while I browsed the shelves. A few knocks came upon the locked door, but I desired to stay alone and do what was necessary to discover more about the powers hidden within me.

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The library was extensive, but I began to realize the limitations of content within the books. Although one could spend hours researching the essence of gemstones found within the mines, or the various ways to build a house within the cedar trees, I found very little information that seemed helpful for my particular niche of interest. Books about how to make paper were plenty, materials on how to properly run a business, no problem, but magic? Witchcraft? Folklore?

I wonder if these types of books are forbidden to be written—like the Sage of the Teragane forbidding their kind to write about their culture.

Perhaps magic was as elusive as the Teraganes themselves.

“But, they have magic too,” I said out loud, and began jotting down some theories upon a notebook. I thought about all the times Jamie spoke about magic in the mines, or when Tim had asked if I were a witch because of the full-moon rituals. I wrote about the eternal-flame that Sable had suggested, and wondered how the Sage were able to make it, create it—or, was it given to them by something else?

I skimmed through a poetry book with faded ink, wondering if Jamie had any old stories in which he based his songs from, then again, most folklore and stories were passed down verbally, rarely written, and the poems I read were rather useless beyond the occasional nod to witches and moons, the lightning storms causing fire—but, then again, maybe the answers had been hidden on purpose to keep magic a secret.

“Why do the Teraganes keep themselves and their magic a secret?” I asked while writing down my questions. I then looked at my hand and focused on the voice I had heard, and closed my eyes while reliving the emotional turmoil I had felt while Sable lay on the table.

With my eyes closed, I focused my attention on the beating of my heart, and thought about the antlers surrounded by blue light.

“Lillie,” a muffled voice called, but followed by the sound of the lock mechanism clicking, and I turned my face as the red door of the library swung open.

“My—gah! Smells terrible in here. Torie, don’t you ever dust the place?” an old man with thin arms declared as he rushed into the library carrying heavy burdens.

“Excuse me, of course I do,” Historia retorted while closing the door behind them. “I’m afraid that terrible smell is you.” The old man instantly sniffed at his armpit, and gave a rather intrigued expression while Historia shook her head.

“Well, it appears that you are correct! Now! Where are my trinkets? I must begin—“

“Oh, gracious, don’t even think about—Oh! Lillie, you are down here after all.” Historia pushed the old man towards the stairs who had attempted to unpack his traveling rucksack right there upon the floor, but she quickly beckoned for the man to move upstairs.

“Can you grab his bag, please?” Historia asked as the old man argued with her, yet began climbing up, and I picked up the bag that smelled dreadfully disgusting, and clinked as I carried it up the stairs after Historia.

“Grandfather, this is my current roommate, dear friend, and my most promising student,” Historia said after we had entered the main living area, and the old man scratched the top of his balding head, sending bits of dirt around as his wiry, grey hair stuck straight up.

“Ah, this is your grandfather,” I said as he then began cleaning out his ear while Historia nodded.

“Grandfather Maggie—Lillie and Sable are currently living with me. So, you must behave yourself around our new, young residents,” Historia said and the old man then squinted as he peered at me.

“Ehh, I don’t see two people,” Maggie said, and I placed a hand over my mouth as a laugh escaped, but Historia sighed, and her heavy set eyes were evidential of exhaustion. “Perhaps you need to get your glasses changed again—maybe you’re going blind.”

“Sable isn’t here, only Lillie, you silly man,” Historia said as she then suggested for her aging grandfather to clean up, asking me to step downstairs or outside while he bathed in the kitchen.

I returned to my study corner in attempts to focus on my personal task, but the sound of shuffling feet and loud cries above caused me to feel distracted. I had remembered only small tales from Historia about the man who had raised her, mainly about him being rather crazy.

“Damn—he gets more difficult each passing year,” Historia grumbled as she slumped down the stairs and moved over to the table next to me. I noticed dampness upon her plain blouse and she removed her spectacles while wiping her sweaty forehead.

“Where was your grandfather this time?” I asked as I closed the notebook and gazed upon my exhausted friend as she rested her head back against the wall.

“Not sure—he was supposed to be with my brother Daviis. I guess they had an argument and parted ways after visiting Maviir in Saasan.”

“Where?” Historia smiled as she placed her spectacles back on, and looked intently at me.

“Perhaps I’ll bring out a map one of these nights and show you the world beyond the cedar trees. Anyway, find anything today?”

“No—nothing useful.” I opened my notebook and Historia leaned closer as she peered at my rather messy notes. “Just questions—specifically about the Teraganes hiding themselves and their own use of magic.”

“Too bad Sable doesn’t have more knowledge about magic.”

“Yeah—he did say he had a friend who was training to be a Mage. But, they left a long time ago.”

“Well, and Sable was banished.”

“Is—does your grandfather still practice alchemy?” I looked over at Historia as she raised her brows and pursed her lips.

“Yeah, but it’s becoming less distinguishable. He made his success on inventions rather than alchemy. That only proved troublesome for him, which is why I worry about Daviis recently parting ways. Anyway, Maggie might know some useful information, so once he’s clean and settled from his journey, we can try to muster some information from him about magic. However, I’m afraid that could implode a whole new obsession. So, we must tread lightly around the subject.”

“Okay. Yeah, sounds like you’ve got your hands full. Is there anything I can do to help?” A loud thump echoed from above, causing both Historia and I to look up, and she sighed while lifting herself to her feet. I quickly jolted up and placed the notebook under my arm as Historia moved over to the stairs.

“Thanks, but I think you have enough yourself.”

“I can help. Just ask me anything.”

“You’re very thoughtful, but there’s no need. You can help me as you have been with lessons and the library, but other than that, it’s time for you to focus on what Lillie needs.” She pointed a finger directly on my forehead.

“But I—I don’t know what I need. I’ve spent my whole life being told what to do. Rarely did I think of what I wanted or needed. Only what I should do for others.”

“Then you start with that. Start thinking about what you want and need. Obviously, magic isn’t something recorded or spoken about beyond the superstitions of witchcraft. So, you may need to look in odd places to find your answers. Look into your past, try to find patterns, or early signs of these abilities. Speak to Sable more about his experience with his people. Maybe there’s a way to know more about the magic of the Teragane. Maybe even ask around for old superstitions of witchcraft, and figure out why it is looked down upon. You know, you’ve always been one to find your way. Maybe your old herbalist friend has some thoughts, if you think you can trust speaking to her about it.”

“I can trust Jadis—I think.”

“Yeah. Don’t lose hope in yourself just because you don’t have people demanding your time and energy anymore. Now, is the time for you to be in control. Take heart, take head, and plow your way in this new life that you’ve created.”

Suddenly, a loud scream came from upstairs, and Historia and I sprinted up the steps. Upon entering the living area, Grandfather Maggie shrieked while pointing a finger at the open window, dripping water all over the floor under his naked body.

“A demon!” he cried. “Torie! A demon came to the window!”

“Oh, dammit,” she mumbled, and grabbed a blanket to cover up her grandfather. I ran to the window, and peered out while calling for Sable. Across the street, his head popped up behind a chimney upon a rooftop, and then he sprinted over to the balcony, but stood against the wall, avoiding the window.

“Why is there an old naked man screaming in Historia’s house?” he nervously asked as I stepped over the window sill and onto the roof awning.

“That is Historia’s grandfather,” I explained. “He had just returned from his travels this afternoon. He’s pretty old, and seems a little crazy, so you gave him a bit of a scare.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to—“

“Of course not. You didn’t know. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Sable looked down as he brushed off some dirt from the front of his silk tunic. I observed his smooth hair he had pulled back, and noticed only a few strands swaying around, unlike the usual tangled mess it had always been before.

“You look nice,” I said and rubbed his arm softly, and he lifted his gaze, but still stayed hidden behind the outer wall while I sat on the window sill.

“You too,” he said. “Actually, Lord Orvin has asked me to return to the tailor to buy more clothes. Do you want to come and also get new clothes? Oh, also, there is a dinner event that you are invited to attend with me tomorrow.”

“More clothes and dinner? How could I say no?” I said sarcastically as I peered over my shoulder, back into the house. I saw Historia help Grandfather settle into getting dressed. She looked at me with desperate eyes, mouthing to keep Sable out of Grandfather’s view.

“If you don’t want to, there’s no pressure,” Sable said while slowly moving his head to peer through the open window.

“No, don’t. Grandfather is still going wild in there. Stay out of sight.” He moved away from the window, and leaned against the side of the building, tapping his fingers against his arm.

“What is a demon, anyway?” he asked. “It seems that is all anyone calls me these days.”

“Uh—to be honest, I don’t even know. It’s an old belief. Like a scary creature that tortures people. But, I don’t believe in that kind of stuff.”

“Why not?”

“They’re just stories to get people all worked up about nothing. I only believe what I can experience. Never seen a demon, and you’re obviously a Teragane—maybe because your people stay hidden from others, people began using stories to explain the occasional sighting of a flying person.”

“Lord Orvin spoke about the Teraganes being spirit guides—what are spirits?”

“Spirits?”

“Torie!” Grandfather screamed from inside, and I looked past the open window again as Historia attempted to calm the screaming man as he ripped at his clothes. “I saw a demon! I swear! After all this time—“

“Maybe I should leave,” Sable said quietly as the screaming man’s voice echoed from the house. Sable reached into a satchel and pulled out an envelope. “Will you give this to Jamie?”

“What is it?” I asked while grabbing the paper.

“An invitation to an event next week. Will you also please come?”

“Oh, okay. Yeah I’ll give it to him. And, yeah I’ll go with you.”

“I’ll stay at Lord Orvin’s tonight.”

“What? No, why?” I grabbed Sable’s arm, but the sound of the shrieking old man answered my unnecessary question. Sable gave a half-smile, then cupped my face while kissing my lips, but only for a moment. He moved away, gently rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

“I’ll come back tomorrow afternoon after I finish work. Hopefully Historia’s grandfather will settle down by then. Otherwise, I’ll just stay at the estate until it’s safe to return.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, there is a room for me—for us.” Sable’s eyes stared at me, obviously indicating a deeper desire, but as the old man’s shrieking began to fade, my own personal goals overwhelmed my mind—for what information did this man have that I could learn? How long would he take to accept a Teragane also living in the same house?

“Well, maybe it’s for the best—at least for tonight,” I mumbled, and Sable’s wings slightly twitched as I avoided his eyes as guilt and dread caused my neck to tense. I had no desire to be apart from Sable, but I also had the least bit of craving to stay at Lord Orvin’s house. The very idea of staying in a fancy house, tended by servants, and asked frivolous questions by the gawking Master was enough to make my stomach knot. I hardly understood how Sable could tolerate it all—then again, as Jamie had once said, he was difficult to impress—a hard egg to crack.

“Do—will you come with me?” Sable asked, causing only further nausea as I dreaded his soft, yearning voice. “There’s a bed big enough for us. I can even arrange for clothing, food—whatever you need to be comfortable.”

Ha. Like I could ever be comfortable in a house like that.

“Well—Grandfather Maggie may have some information about magic since he’s traveled and seen the world—after he settles, I may be able to—“

“Yes, of course—I understand. See you tomorrow.”

Without further plea, he took off in flight, flying high above the trees, and through the clearing he had created in the canopy, and I stepped backwards while leaning against the window sill. I looked behind me, and saw Historia disappear up into the attic, but the man was still hysterically claiming that the house was no longer a safe place for anyone. Despite the chaos within the house, it felt more enticing than staying under the roof of someone like Lord Orvin—even if the bed was more comfortable, or with an array of food options.

However, was it my pride holding me back from indulging in such luxuries?

Or was it something else that I was avoiding?