CHAPTER 28: Confessions

CHAPTER 28: Confessions

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After Neo drove away Ella stood there for a moment and thought how it really was a very sweet date.

Ella turned around and walked to her apartment on the first floor, her exhausted legs working without another thought carrying her close to her bed, but she froze in terror when she realised there was someone sitting on the stairs right in the way to her door.

"What the hell!"

"What- what's wrong?" A familiar male voice asked.

The lights were dim and she blamed them for her horrific imagination as she forced her eyes to focus, "Jay!" she scolded, "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

He smiled a sheepish smile under those dim lights as he looked up at her "Sorry? The resemblance to Boo is not intentional"

She rolled her eyes at his unsure apology and ignored his super-Mario Joke, "Why are you sitting here? I was about to trample all over you."

Jay scoffed as he rose to his full height towering over her, "I would have let myself inside if I had a key or a Nora, but sadly I have neither."

Ella looked at her phone to check the time. It was fifteen minutes past midnight. "She sleeps like the dead", she probably won't hear a stampede of a thousand elephants right outside her bedroom, but still manages to wake up on time every day, fishing the keys from her pocket she unlocked the door and let them inside.

"Sounds like a talent," he muttered as they entered and switched the lights on.

Ella walked into her room and screamed, "Aah! Goddamit, why is everyone doing this?!"

Jay was beside her instantly. Both of them stared at a passed out Nora in Ella's bed, she was tangled in sheets, sprawled, taking up all the space and her hair was a wild mess on the pillow. Jay pressed his fist to his mouth and tried to cover his snickering. He failed.

"She could have slept in her own bed," Ella said as she left her bag, phone and keys on the desk.

When Jay pulled out his phone camera and zoomed it on their friend's face. Ella instantly grabbed it, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Can't I take a picture of her drooling?" He asked, looking excited. "This is gold."

"Do you want to end up dead in a drainpipe?" Ella raised her eyebrow and he thought over it for a moment before stuffing his phone back inside his pocket.

He pouted. "I hope to perish in a little more dignified manner than that."

Turning the lights off they both left her room and went inside the kitchen. "Why are you here?" she asked as she reached for a bottle of water and uncapped it, "do you want to raid the fridge, didn't go grocery shopping again?" She took a sip of her water.

"I'm not here for that..." He stood there with his hands in his pant pockets and shuffling from leg to leg.

"Then what?" Ella asked, exasperated and a bit tired. Jay didn't speak.

"Are we making a habit of these late night conversations?" She asked, a small smile touched his lips at her reminder of last time when that happened.

"I wasn't planning on it... " Jay's smile slipped away, his gaze was fixated on the single purple tulip sitting in a glass of water.

"Neo gave that to me, sweet right?" She explained fondly.

Jay forced himself to look away. "H-how was your date?"

Ella frowned at his sudden seriousness, but answered anyway "It was great, he was really sweet actually, I was so nervous in the beginning but as the night went on it felt nice to be hanging out talking and sharing stories, I felt like I was overdressed at first but it ended well."

"You look cute." He said, almost as if he didn't mean to blurt that out, but didn't try to take it back or say anything else. His eyes were open yet a little guarded as he looked straight at her across the counter.

Ella was conflicted about how to respond, Jay suddenly had this intense aura around him which was so unlike him, and she felt a little embarrassed at his compliment, "Thanks, I guess..." she murmured.

"Are you going on a second date?" he asked, and waited for her to answer but her mind was suddenly all over the place.

Neo didn't ask her out again so she didn't think about it, but even if... "I-I don't know, why are you asking-"

"Because, I-I like you Ell."

Ella blanked. For a moment everything drowned in silence like they were plunged underwater. His blunt words hung between them, reverberating around her, he had just about whispered them but he might as well have yelled, as they seem to echo in her. Across the counter they stared at each other, his eyes bright and vulnerable and hers wide with shock.

The staggering halt of a moment came to an end when she broke eye contact, looked down at the countertop and reached to hold on to its edge, wanting something to ground her. Her fingers felt brittle as she put the water bottle down on it and took a deep breath.

"You like me...as in, more than friends?" she asked to confirm, knowing she wasn't reading this wrong.

"Yes." his blunt affirmation again, staggered her.

"Jay, Wha- When? How?" She tried to make sense of the situation, but the pieces didn't quite fit together. "I don't understand.." she mumbled under her breath and met his gaze with troubled eyes.

"Ell, I know this must be too much and too sudden and I didn't mean to just drop this on you but.... I had to tell you. I couldn't keep this to myself, not after you went out-" he stopped abruptly as his eyes tracked back to the purple tulip.

A moment passed, the silence stretched as they processed everything that transpired. Jay was exasperated, he didn't mean to put her on the spot but couldn't help himself, he paced the tiny length of her box sized living room, locked and unlocked his fingers and stole glances at Ella who still seemed quite confused and unsettled in her own unmoving way.

"I don't know what to say..." she finally spoke in a small voice, admitting her conflicting, indecisive inner thoughts as she looked into his defenceless eyes.

"You don't have to say anything..." Jay said, shuffling from foot to foot. "I just- damn I don't even know what I'm thinking, this is not why I came here..." he spoke under his breath.

"I can't not say anything Jay, this is clearly important..." Ella worried. Their friendship was on the line, she didn't want to lose him as a friend, but she had to be honest, tell him what was true, "I don't- think of you that way..."

He didn't try to hide the anguish he felt at her words. Ella watched him helplessly as he ran his hands through his hair and looked away. She wanted to go to him and hug him, but she couldn't decide if it was the right thing to do, maybe he needed space.

The silence was heavy with trepidation and distressing concern and it broke so easily with his whisper, "Why? Because you like him?" He asked in a lamented voice as he struggled to gather himself without outwardly showing it, not waiting for an answer he spoke again, "Don't answer that- it doesn't matter." He began pacing again, "damn it, I've messed it all up."

Ella watched him with concern, she decided to be honest with him- he was so brave and it might have taken so much courage for him to say the things he did tonight, she figured it was the least she could do.

"I should go..." he said as he looked towards the door but Ella ignored his words and began speaking.

"I'm not going out on another date with Neo, he didn't ask and I don't think he's going to..." she said softly, Jay met her gaze as he listened, he then walked closer approaching the marble counter. "The date was nice, but I didn't feel anything romantic towards him so there's that..." she sighed, preparing herself for all that she was about to confess.

"There's someone..." she started again, hesitantly but decided to commit, "I write to." unable to meet his eyes she looked down at her fidgeting hands, "It began with a diary, remember the one I lost a few months ago?" he nodded, "it was that one. I accidentally found it. It had letters and I wrote back and I've been exchanging letters with this guy, I haven't met him...it's just the letters, but it's more than that, I don't know how to explain it Jay but he's more than just those words on the paper... we understand each other, you know?"

He didn't speak so far, didn't interrupt, just listened like a stone- unmoving but the surprise in his eyes was undeniable. "You don't know who it is?" He asked.

Ella shook her head, "Not a clue...you don't need to tell me how absurd that sounds, I know, I just- I don't know what to do." she hid her face in her hands and leaned forward. "I'm so screwed."

When she finally raised her head and looked at him, he looked like he was submerged deep in thought staring at the floor, his eyes met hers eventually and he asked, "Ella he could be anyone, a psychopath who entraps unsuspecting women by writing letters to them, are you even hearing yourself?"

Ella's spine straightened; she looked him square in the eye, feeling defensive as a wave of unease arose in her veins for what he said and the way he said it, "He's not like that." She said firmly, her eyes pierced through him, but her words wavered with uncertainty, "I've read his letters, he's not lying."

"Are you sure about that?" He asked.

She didn't have an answer.

Just as he began to nod in a self-assured manner she spoke again, "He's a student at our college- a science student, he often visits the willow tree, he loves reading fiction, he's smart, witty, thoughtful, compassionate and a very real part of my life and I'm gonna find out who he is."

Jay didn't have anything to say, he looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time, there was a spark of admiration in his eyes and his lips had an upward curve.

"You don't doubt him at all?" He voiced his curiosity.

"He has given me no reason to..." she said within a beat, a smile emerged on her face as she heard her own words and accepted them.

"I guess I don't stand a chance huh?" Jay mumbled softly.

Ella frowned and hesitantly met his eyes with an apologetic gaze, but he didn't look mad or sad or too pained. He looked astute but in an understanding way and she was glad he didn't spiral into negative emotions.

"I can't believe you write letters... what happened to good ol' emails and text messages?" He asked playfully, and Ella rolled her eyes.

"It's what we prefer." she shrugged.

"I'm intrigued, can I see any of those letters?" He requested but Ella was shaking her head even before his words were out.

"No." she said sternly, "They are personal." He pouted like a kid.

Another moment passed in silence but this time it wasn't so awkward or bitter, both of them seemed to be considering some things.

"What will you do if he's not like you expect?" he asked carefully.

She looked at him and simply said, "I don't know... I'm just trying to keep my expectations in check."

"This whole thing sounds like you are setting yourself up for disappointment." he voiced his thoughts.

"Maybe..." She gave in, "But it can't be helped, I want to keep writing and I want to meet him... I don't even know what'll happen when we do, what I want to happen, or if he even feels a fraction of what I feel for him..."

"What if it doesn't work out?" Jay asked and instantly a harsh frown marred her face.

"I don't want to think about that."

"But it's a very real possibility." He insisted.

Ella stood up and returned the bottle to the fridge, evasively she said. "You should go, it's getting late."

Jay's jaw dropped dramatically, "You're kicking me out after rejecting me..." he placed his hands on his heart, "So cold."

She rolled her eyes, but a smile graced her lips, he was acting normal again. Good sign.

The silence was broken with his grumbling stomach and he coloured in embarrassment. "You didn't eat?" She asked, concerned.

"I wasn't hungry." He said simply, slightly avoiding her gaze, finding interest in the floor pattern of her kitchen.

She knew there were no leftovers she could offer him, so she picked up some candy bars from the fridge drawer and stuffed them in his hands, "Here."

"Are you giving me chocolate to help me nurse my broken heart?" He joked.

Ella flushed in embarrassment, "Shut up, you're clearly hungry so eat up and leave before I kick you out for real..."

Jay's grin almost split his face, "Okay fine, I'm going and I'm gonna blame you for my cavities."

"I take no responsibility."

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